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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is not my business but I need a rant...

237 replies

PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 22:00

DH and I fall out sometimes about god not encouraging his DDs to take responsibility for themselves. They are 12 and 14. He still has to remind them to brush their teeth and shower etc.

They were here this weekend. We live 200 miles away but DH works in the same town as them all week so brings them back with him on a Friday and drops them off on a Sunday on his way back.

I washed their school uniform and DH ironed it. He moans that his ex never irons it and it only gets ironed here. I have suggested he teaches them how to iron it themselves but he doesn’t (he taught my DD to iron with a travel iron when she was about 10).

Tonight he has dropped them off (he rushes around gathering their things and something usually gets left, like school shoes or coats) and they have left their uniform in his car.

He has asked his ex to meet him (it’s a 30 mile round trip from where he is to her) and she says she can’t as she has had a drink.

He says he will meet her tomorrow after work meaning the kids will be unable to go to school tomorrow as they have no spare uniform.

So what the fuck does this teach them about taking any responsibility? That they get a day off school? I think it’s bloody disgusting from both parents.

OP posts:
Seniorschoolmum · 10/02/2019 23:51

Your 12yo must be cleaner than mine. Smile His clothes are only fit for the wash by Wednesday. Suggest buying an extra uniform anyway for when they get toothpaste down it. Or honey. Or biro.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/02/2019 23:52

I agree with you. It’s not me enabling it’s my DH

Oh OK - I just saw your words above and thought you were making excuses.

I really don't think this is fair on you. I think you need to sit with your DH and discuss and/or seek counselling or advice.

Most of all I don't think you personally should be financially penalised.

Of course they should be able to iron at that age.

I was ironing as a child even before I went to school - iron on low and only the handerchiefs showing my age aren't I

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 23:56

YetAnotherSpartacus

Me too.

And we have talked etc etc he just gets defensive.

I don’t understand why he needs to defend his children to me when all I am doing it trying to equip them with the skills for life.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 10/02/2019 23:59

I've read a few of your threads re your DSD's there always seems to be something.

I'd sit down and speak to your DH about the list of things that annoy/concern you.

Dotty1970 · 10/02/2019 23:59

Tesco are not the only ones that cap, ID mobile definitely does and sure 3 does too.

SingaporeSlinky · 10/02/2019 23:59

Why couldn’t your DH just drive back to his ex’s house tonight with the uniform? 30 miles is a pain, but it’s partly his fault for not checking the DC had taken everything out of the car, and better than them missing school tomorrow?

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 00:01

I have.

He does listen sometimes but I think I am struggling with him parenting them completely differently to how he expected me to parent my children and the expectations are lower.

I love them but they have recently become lazy and rude and he panders to them.

I am a family worker too so it frustrates me beyond frustrated.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 11/02/2019 00:04

I agree they could iron, mine do some of the time although also choose to go to school with crumpled shirts rather than iron them which I let them choose (as there is a blazer on the top!)

However, it's a bit harsh to expect them to always check the boot on a Sunday when dropped home- they are traveling 200 miles (either way?) most weekends and this must be both tiring and disruptive. It is the perfect conditions for forgetting, as they arrive at home which is presumably quite stressful as their parents negotiate the hand-over. Your husband should have checked and driven back when the clothes were found to be still in his car, it really isn't just on them.

I expect my children to mostly manage their school clothes and books (teenagers) but I do also facilitate this by providing several sets of uniform, washing it, reminding if they have something special on and helping out (running the odd thing quickly through the wash) if they stuff up.

Going to school, with a 85% attendance rate, is simply the most important thing you have to do as a family right now, and so spare uniform and a bit of slack cut around them forgetting in what is a slightly stressful two home environment is reasonable.

Everything else you say sounds stressful, but take the uniform stress out of it and then tackle the rest- if you can as it sounds like it is not driven by you anyway, but that you are constantly compensating for some really quite shit parents around you.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 00:05

I have told him he should take it in the morning xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 00:06

Sorry kisses Grin

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 11/02/2019 00:08

Poor kids. Mum's a loser, Dad is off with the fairies and Stepmother resents them.

Missingstreetlife · 11/02/2019 00:08

The hardest thing about being a stepparent is watching the parents cock it up. These kids will soon grow, hang on op.

Orchiddingme · 11/02/2019 00:10

LOL, least it wasn't to your work colleagues!

OP- you are doing a sterling job, I would get the uniform issue sorted asap this week (as one skirt might be a bit smelly anyway and they need lots of shirts for same reason) and then tackle the more emotional side. It does sound like your husband is scared to be firm with them and this is leading to problems with their behaviour. So hard for you.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 11/02/2019 00:10

I dont get this obsession posters have with the OP buying spare uniform. Even if they did buy some the girls would "forget" to take it so they would be no better off. The OP and her DH don't drop the girls at school ever so what use would spare uniform at their house be?

That said I would buy them a couple of shirts each that they just pack and take home so at least you know they have a way of changing mid week. I don't get the argument about money when he is prepared to pay for expensive phones, shirts dont cost that much and some charity shops have a school uniform section now or ebay is another place to try.

But no yanbu!

PookieDo · 11/02/2019 00:13

I can see a lot of outrage over 1 uniform but my DC only have 1 too I didn’t realise this was so dreadful. I cannot afford double uniform it is so expensive. I buy them new things when they need them. I bought all new school shirts a few months ago and they won’t wear them (say don’t like them) and continue to wear the grey ones

My DD’s wash their own clothes by the way

Singlenotsingle · 11/02/2019 00:16

I don't see why the phones have to be expensive! I've got an Android at £15 pm from Tesco with a cap of £18 max. £30 deposit.

PookieDo · 11/02/2019 00:18

I was just about to go to sleep when I remembered that my DD16 has had the same school jumper since year 7! I think not losing it, wrecking it or growing out of it must deserve some of medal? £30 well spent obviously! She leaves this year 😂

My DC do not care what their uniform looks like in respect of ironing - they seem to customise it all by tying up the jumpers shirts and skirts with hair bands to make them fit a certain way 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 00:19

They have the same but that is another £36 a month on top of £550 maintenance, on top of petrol on top of buying them clothes for here, on top of coats and shoes.

We aren’t rich - we don’t go out a lot and we haven’t been on a holiday for a few years.

The last one we went on was a camping holiday with his kids).?

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 00:23

Their mother seems to have a good job with a company car and she has a partner.

She seems to be absolutely useless with money though and I wonder if we should pay maintenance to the pub.

They eat out about 2 times a week with the kids Sad

OP posts:
turnaroundbrighteyes · 11/02/2019 00:25

Those poor girls, they need several shirts, a second skirt, bras and sanitary products.

If they are being neglected without these basics id:-

  1. Re-refer to social care
  2. Write mum a very clear letter saying "dad's breasts are showing through her shirt she needs bras, DD hasn't any sanitary products, etc we provide these on our weekends as the resident parent please buy them for her to use on your time withing 7 days. If you do not we will buy them for the girls as they are basic necessities and will deduct the cost for the ones to be kept at your house from the £550 monthly maintenance". Then do it and keep the receipts.
  3. If she doesn't buy them self rep in the court for residency based on her neglect the girls deserve better, won't know how bad "home" is until they're out of there so can't choose, at the moment both parents are failing them. Mum by neglecting them, Dad by knowingly allowing them to be neglected.
JasperKarat · 11/02/2019 00:35

If their mother is a drinker, who sends them to school in dirty graying uniform, when she can be bothered to send them and didn't prioritise their needs, well being and best interests (which your posts clearly imply), why doesn't your DH apply for custody? Although having them full time would cost more than £500 a month and you would have to buy them some uniform

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 00:38

If my DH applied for custody the views of the children would be taken into consideration at their age and they have said they do not to want to live here, so we would risk traumatising and possibly alienating the children.

Social care deem it “good enough”.

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 00:40

And we do buy them coats and shoes and pants and bras.

OP posts:
JasperKarat · 11/02/2019 00:41

They definitely do need to learn to iron their own clothes and that phones aren't endlessly replaced. Reading this thread makes me feel a bit spoiled, my parents weren't well off, working class often had multiple jobs or lots of overtime to make sure we had what we needed. When I was at school I had five shirts, and five bottoms (2 trousers, 3 skirts) , 2 ties and a blazer. The whole lot got washed on a Friday with DBs who had the same amount (no skirts though) . I feel sorry for those girls, teens are cruel at the best of times without dirty/scruffy uniform to make them stand out

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 00:42

We are still paying off a £15,000 debt from travel costs when OH was based a long way away and still had them EOW.

I have students to help pay for everything.

OP posts:
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