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Original poster

This is not my business but I need a rant...

237 replies

PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 22:00

DH and I fall out sometimes about god not encouraging his DDs to take responsibility for themselves. They are 12 and 14. He still has to remind them to brush their teeth and shower etc.

They were here this weekend. We live 200 miles away but DH works in the same town as them all week so brings them back with him on a Friday and drops them off on a Sunday on his way back.

I washed their school uniform and DH ironed it. He moans that his ex never irons it and it only gets ironed here. I have suggested he teaches them how to iron it themselves but he doesn’t (he taught my DD to iron with a travel iron when she was about 10).

Tonight he has dropped them off (he rushes around gathering their things and something usually gets left, like school shoes or coats) and they have left their uniform in his car.

He has asked his ex to meet him (it’s a 30 mile round trip from where he is to her) and she says she can’t as she has had a drink.

He says he will meet her tomorrow after work meaning the kids will be unable to go to school tomorrow as they have no spare uniform.

So what the fuck does this teach them about taking any responsibility? That they get a day off school? I think it’s bloody disgusting from both parents.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 11/02/2019 00:43

Stepmother clearly DOESN’T resent them or she wouldn’t have started this threat. There’s always one or several of them when it’s a step mother....

JasperKarat · 11/02/2019 00:43

If my DH applied for custody the views of the children would be taken into consideration at their age and they have said they do not to want to live here
This is a shame, with your influence things might be different for them.
Not nice their mother actually has the money and prioritises eating out over clothing them adequately

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 00:45

Influence them to feel they are being disloyal to their mother?

I reported their mother to social care. She has told them this and they struggled to speak to me for a good year after this.

OP posts:
JasperKarat · 11/02/2019 00:49

No I meant they might take a bit more responsibility, and learn some life skills. They would also have clean uniform and access to clothes that fit and sanitary protection all the time instead of just at your house. It's a shame they wouldn't consider it, but as a PP said they won't recognise what's wrong with their current home life while they're still in it.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 00:53

DSD2 came here the day of her first period. Her mum knew. I don’t know is DSD2 wanted to come or was given the option of staying at home (I suspect not) but she arrived with no pads or anything.

I gave her pads, explained what to do and how often to change it, where everything was that she needed and to let me know if she needed to change her bedding, underwear etc and she was surprisingly unembarrassed for someone quite shy who was only 11.

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 00:54

I did teach them tie their shoe laces and to ride a bike and swim so maybe I will just press on. It’s exhausting sometimes when they resent me.

OP posts:
Bryjam · 11/02/2019 01:03

No we will not be buying a spare uniform.

We pay for a lot on top of maintenance anyway.

I don't think the fact that maintenance is paid should absolve him morally of ensuring they have what they need and are not going to school in scruffy uniform.

I would not have my children live like that no matter how much maintenance I gave their mum. If she isn't stepping up then he has to.

Maintenance is no justification for allowing his kids to suffer.

Bryjam · 11/02/2019 01:04

cannot see any point in paying for extra uniform (that we cannot afford to buy anyway) that would compound my frustration.

The well-being of the children comes before your frustration Hmm

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 01:05

We cannot afford to pay any more than we do.

Is that so hard to understand?

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 01:06

Maybe my son and I should stop eating.

Then that will pay for the extra uniform for my step daughters.

OP posts:
Bryjam · 11/02/2019 01:10

We cannot afford to pay any more than we do.

They have ONE school uniform. Your reason for not providing earlier was not affordability but your own 'frustration'

Is that so hard to understand?

Yes. Yes it is.

Bryjam · 11/02/2019 01:11

Maybe my son and I should stop eating.

Then that will pay for the extra uniform for my step daughters

Do you always place YOUR son above your DH's daughters?

That's fucking awful.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 01:14

We are paying about £600 a month for his daughters which is more than we can afford.

I get nothing from my sons dad.

We are struggling to pay everything.

The girls go out to dinner twice a week with their mother who is sending them to school in grey school shirts.

I pay £110 a month for my son to get to college.

OP posts:
Bryjam · 11/02/2019 01:16

It's all excuses and attempts to justify letting those girls suffer.

Why do you think your child is more important that his? Because if I ever met someone who didn't do their absolute best, always, for their child I would be off.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 01:17

This is MN.

Unless I prepared to do a living organ donation for my step children I am a fucking bitch.

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 01:19

Where did I say my child is more important than his?

When I suggested not eating in order to supplement their mother’s lifestyle?

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 01:19
OP posts:
Bryjam · 11/02/2019 01:23

Where did I say my child is more important than his?

Here....

Maybe my son and I should stop eating.

Then that will pay for the extra uniform for my step daughters

When I suggested not eating in order to supplement their mother’s lifestyle?

No. It was when you suggested not eating to buy THE CHILDREN uniform. Nothing to do with the mothers lifestyle. Because frustrating as it is, he needs to step up.

Bryjam · 11/02/2019 01:24

Unless I prepared to do a living organ donation for my step children I am a fucking bitch.

Organ donation and school uniform are not really on the same level, are they?

I agree with the latter..

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 01:25

Maybe all our wages should go into her bank account every month and she can give us a minimal amount to live in?

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 01:26

*on

OP posts:
JasperKarat · 11/02/2019 01:32

Ugh ignore it OP. You pay a decent amount of maintenance, buy their shoes, coats, San pro, additional clothing for weekends and have already said you'd planned to get them some extra school shirts this week. It's not as if their mother is on the bread line and that's why they have grey shirts, if she's eating out twice a week. Step mothers and MILs can't win here.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 11/02/2019 01:38

Then deduct the essentials you pay for at her house front the maintenance and document it...

I don't think anyone thinks you're unreasonable to struggle to pay both, but yabvu to stand by and do nothing whilst the girls essentials are being neglected.

And what's the score with the bras you said you bought and mum let the dog eat them inferring shes without then that she has them because you bought them....
..

Singlenotsingle · 11/02/2019 01:42

You're doing all you need to do, OP, and more! They're very lucky girls and the ex is a very lucky woman. The problem is the more you do, the more she expects. It must be very frustrating. Flowers

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 11/02/2019 01:45

Yes I have stood by and done nothing.

I have done jack shit Hmm

OP posts:
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