This is not my business but I need a rant...

[PooleySpooley]

DH and I fall out sometimes about god not encouraging his DDs to take responsibility for themselves. They are 12 and 14. He still has to remind them to brush their teeth and shower etc.

They were here this weekend. We live 200 miles away but DH works in the same town as them all week so brings them back with him on a Friday and drops them off on a Sunday on his way back.

I washed their school uniform and DH ironed it. He moans that his ex never irons it and it only gets ironed here. I have suggested he teaches them how to iron it themselves but he doesn’t (he taught my DD to iron with a travel iron when she was about 10).

Tonight he has dropped them off (he rushes around gathering their things and something usually gets left, like school shoes or coats) and they have left their uniform in his car.

He has asked his ex to meet him (it’s a 30 mile round trip from where he is to her) and she says she can’t as she has had a drink.

He says he will meet her tomorrow after work meaning the kids will be unable to go to school tomorrow as they have no spare uniform.

So what the fuck does this teach them about taking any responsibility? That they get a day off school? I think it’s bloody disgusting from both parents.

I understand the single school skirt - I used to go to a school that had a very expensive wool skirt, so I only had 1. Lots of shirts, 1 tie, 1 blazer, couple of jumpers.

Your DSDs are not being held to account for their lazy ways, so my opinion would be to let them feel the results of what they've done. If it was a total one-off and they almost never did this, then I think I'd be more inclined to help them out.

But they should still go to school! No excuse for a day off - make them go in non-uniform and cop whatever consequence the school hands out.

*Because as I have said it is a bottomless pit.

Where do we stop?

When we can’t afford to pay the mortgage?

We pay maintenance for clothes which THEIR MOTHER is responsible for buying.

We pay for the phones and school shoes and coats to be nice and to help*

Which is it OP? Because you've said this, but you also said you was going to buy shirts this week.

A new shirt each is hardly going to break the bank. You may think it reflects badly on their mother, but it reflects badly on your DH and yourself too if these girls are at school in an old grey shirt.

And it is partly your husbands fault their uniforms were left. I don't see why it's all on them. I'm guessing they got other things from the boot, so perhaps these fell behind something?

In all honesty, you sound quite a bit resentful of these girls.

They are 12 and 14. Through no fault of their own, they are forced to split themselves between two households , shuttling their belongings as they go and sounds like there is neglect in one of them.

Yes they are not babies, but surely it is a joint responsibility between their DF and them to ensure they have all their belongings for handover. In his position I would be annoyed but mostly at myself for not checking. The DM did not forget to check everything was out of the car and is perfectly entitled to have a drink in the evening.

You don't like these DCs, it's clear from your posting that you resent them.You think they should be mini adults and what's the obsession with ironing? But in this case its very clear that your DH made the mistake so he should be the one to rectify it.

Op

You really would think after having had them in your home for 'ten years' that things would be a little more sorted by now.

I'm not sure why everyone is berating the op for not having spare uniform. In my experience it'll just be two sets to be lost / forgotten.

Op it is very frustrating that they all seem so flaky. You shouldn't have to but I would be putting the uniform into their bags myself and double checking as they walk out of the door. It won't teach them responsibility no (and that's not your job anyway I guess) but it will save you all this stress while your husband gets his arse into gear.

Op it is very frustrating that they all seem so flaky. You shouldn't have to but I would be putting the uniform into their bags myself and double checking as they walk out of the door. It won't teach them responsibility no (and that's not your job anyway I guess) but it will save you all this stress while your husband gets his arse into gear

The OP seems to be doing a lot that isn't her job.

In her shoes I'd be protecting my income and assets, making sure that my DH contributed his fair share to the family pot, making sure that I did not personally finance the DDs, and putting things that I wanted on the family financial agenda (such as a holiday) and making sure that my needs were front and centre (because they have not been for a long time). I'd be telling all concerned that I was bowing out of any form of care for the DDs because I'd had freaking nuff.

I feel for the kids. All the adults need to get their acts sorted.

Can you not take the money out of the maintenance? Sorry I have no idea how everything works but can't you text the mother and say "kids need new uniform, please use the money from the maintenance to buy this otherwise we will deduct the cost of the uniform from the monthly maintenance and we will buy it."
Surely that is what the money is being used for anyways?

Also, are PPs really saying the OP is selfish for not wanting to use the money she needs to feed her son to buy uniform? So its okay to let one kid starve to buy uniform for the girls? What exactly would that tell her son? That he is the lowest of the low in their home, he doesn't even get to eat? His step sisters education is more important than his health?

His step sisters education is more important than his health

Not to mention the 5 broken phones that needed replacing....

So its okay to let one kid starve to buy uniform for the girls?

Is that truly an option though? I mean really? The OP's husband is travelling really far to work, he's buying all these phones, is there really an option that the little boy won't even be fed?

Also I wonder if the this child has a change of uniform, because in that case they are not as well supplied as the younger child.....

Surely a change of uniform in things like a shirt, which is against the skin all day, is a necessary. Especially at the age of 12 when you are sweating into your clothes. Can it even be washed every day, every other day?

I think the Op has been given an undeserved hard time here. Her dh pays a good amount of maintenance and it's down to the mothers financial mismanagement therefore not the OP's responsibility to buy uniforms.
I'd be inclined to pay the mother the minimum amount of maintenance required and then use the difference between that and what you've been paying to buy everything they need, I'd document it too and keep all receipts. This way all the money is being spent on his daughters and not paying for the mothers meals out and booze.

If the mother let the dog eat the new bras out of resentment, how well do any of you think that new uniforms would last in her house before being lost/torn/indelibly stained?

OP and her DH won't be able to win here. The mother won't accept them buying The uniform although she seems to want them to at the same time. I think she's happy just to see money being pissed up the wall.

OP, I'm also in the "deduct it from the maintenance and keep a record" camp. It's seems like money is the only thing that talks in this situation. Perhaps if less maintenance comes in, fingers may suddenly be pulled out.

Reduce the maintenance you pay to the minimum allowed and buy them spare uniforms and clothes for when they are with you.

Spend your money on the DCs rather than handing it over to a feckless mother.

What ties do you have to where you live?

I assume it wouldn't work to move to where your husband works?

Her dh pays a good amount of maintenance and it's down to the mothers financial mismanagement therefore not the OP's responsibility to buy uniforms.

It's not the OPDH financial responsibility, no. He does however have a moral and emotional responsibility to those girls. Passing the buck and letting them be neglected 'because he pays enough' really isn't ok.

Bryjam if you're going to quote me then at least have the decency to quote the entire paragraph instead of selecting a bit and trying to imply I'm saying something that I'm categorically not

are PPs really saying the OP is selfish for not wanting to use the money she needs to feed her son to buy uniform? So its okay to let one kid starve to buy uniform for the girls?

Nope. Nobody said that.

The comment I made was to show the OP that their son does not trump his daughters.

And let's face it, nobody is going to starve.

Previously OP said she didn't want them to be buying uniform because it would add to her own 'frustration'. She only added the but about the son not eating because the previous was questioned.

Are you the Mother Bryjam? You certainly seem to have an axe to grind.

How about we lay some of the blame where it belongs, at the mother's door. If she can afford alcohol and eating out twice per week then SHE can pay for some school shirts not the kids step mother.

Yet again on Mumsnet no matter what the step parent does she's in the wrong.

OP, you sound like you are doing far more than expected (by most people).

Blimey there are some mean and nasty vipers on here......

Are you the Mother Bryjam? You certainly seem to have an axe to grind.

No, 100% not the mother. No axe either.

This is however AIBU, and I think that yes OP is BU. A discussion has taken place, people comment, people return comment, that's how this thing works.

The one uniform they do have was with the OP, she laundered it and it was in the car with the DSDs. If they have a second, it needs to be at their mother's house, which sounds like wouldn't happen. So the DSDs would be no better off, they would still be at their mother's house with no uniform; having a day off from school because their mother can't be bothered.
I have enormous sympathy for you OP, it seems to me that you and your DH really do need to be on the same page regarding his DDs, I understand the guilt thing, but in the long run his DDs will loose out through lack of life skills, and won't respect their walkover of a father. Good Luck OP

Yet again on Mumsnet no matter what the step parent does she's in the wrong

Yep. I'm not even a step parent and I see this. It's all care and no responsibility or thanks. It's mainly about step mothers though.