This is not my business but I need a rant...

[PooleySpooley]

DH and I fall out sometimes about god not encouraging his DDs to take responsibility for themselves. They are 12 and 14. He still has to remind them to brush their teeth and shower etc.

They were here this weekend. We live 200 miles away but DH works in the same town as them all week so brings them back with him on a Friday and drops them off on a Sunday on his way back.

I washed their school uniform and DH ironed it. He moans that his ex never irons it and it only gets ironed here. I have suggested he teaches them how to iron it themselves but he doesn’t (he taught my DD to iron with a travel iron when she was about 10).

Tonight he has dropped them off (he rushes around gathering their things and something usually gets left, like school shoes or coats) and they have left their uniform in his car.

He has asked his ex to meet him (it’s a 30 mile round trip from where he is to her) and she says she can’t as she has had a drink.

He says he will meet her tomorrow after work meaning the kids will be unable to go to school tomorrow as they have no spare uniform.

So what the fuck does this teach them about taking any responsibility? That they get a day off school? I think it’s bloody disgusting from both parents.

I totally agree that the picture you paint is one of neglect. Does their mother refuse to buy them tampons and clothes?

They arrive with poorly fitting clothes and only have one set of school clothes - I went to a school with an expensive uniform - I only had one tie and blazer but had five shirts, two skirts and two jumpers. Surely there are enough bits in the house to cobble together something - especially for the younger daughter? THe older daughter must have things she has grown out of?

If you are paying over the odds on maintenance and the money isn’t being spent on ththe children then you should speak to a solicitor or social services

We are struggling to pay for everything but DH doesn’t want to stop paying for their phones because they would then be unable to contact him which is really important

You can do this with a cheap second hand phone. Is it possible to set up numbers (your DH's) as 'reverse charge' (??? - I have no idea but it would be useful).

I get what people are saying about the uniform but tbf phones are pretty important to teenage girls.

It’s quite shitty to have no phone - esp as where they live is a bit spread out and rural.,

I took the 13 year old to a piano recital today (yes, deep deep joy) she’d practised, then had a shower, got ready, grabbed an apple for in the car and we walked out the door - I asked if she was planning on playing her pieces from memory...🙄😁.

The thing is, I expect her to organise herself and she does...but she’s still only 13, I’m her backstop. She has a lot on and remembers most everything, but I check as we leave the house that she has everything she needs, most of the time she doesn’t even know I’m doing it because I can see her swim bag, piano music, violin, blah blah so I only need to ask if it’s in her bag if it’s something small.

I do it for 3 reasons, one she’s only 13, 2 because I love her and it’s part of looking after her & 3 because at her age 99% of the time it’s ME (or other people) who would be inconvenienced by her forgetting something.

His girls didn’t ask to have two homes or go to a school where the uniform is more expensive (ours is roughly that for the skirts, she has 3 sets of skirts and jumpers, 6 shirts, one blazer).

Your DH should have got out of the car, made sure they had everything, walked them to the door and said good bye properly, not just pulled over to let them get themselves out. It’s the little things that show them you care.

I agree re phones etc, if they keep breaking them then a £15 payg is all they get...but, that’s up to their mum if she’s footing the bill. DH would not be.

This is down to your DH to get the uniforms to them, as the adult he should have made sure they had them. IF they were mine I’d be checking they had them as they arrived home too but if they were 200 miles away they be going to school in their PE kit or whatever else they have that’s not colourful with a note explaining, but if the school chose to be put them in isolation or give them detentions then ‍🤷🏻‍♀️ next time they’ll remember them. But she’s their mum, that choices is hers, not ours...so there’s not much point in getting wound up about it

Do any of you happen to have a contract with EE? I am and I phoned them when was changing to a different network and they offered me unlimited minutes and texts and 6GB of data for £5 a month on a sim only contract! (Was previously paying £34.99) it might be worth trying to get a deal with existing providers by threatening to leave and seeing what they can offer you for the girls. They could share a cheap brick phone.

I assume DH does get out of the car.

It’s bigger than that though.

Constantly spoon feeding them.

Soon he will be moving away with work and some 14 year olds would be responsible enough to get the train together independently but they will not.

They are in Tesco as they are the only company that cap it - we cannot risk them not being capped, they normally run out of data mid month as their mother often doesn’t pay the internet bill so no WiFi at home sometimes.

OP I get that this is mixed up with a whole load of what sound like very justifiable frustrations.

But- going to school is a legal requirement. Parents are responsible for this til 16 and even 18 now.

Getting them where they need to be, with the correct uniform is part of your parenting role, as well as pushing them towards independence. You know your husband stuffed up as you say in your first post you are mad at him for not driving back and delivering the uniforms.

All I'm saying is- rein it in and give them more independence if you can, but for goodness sake get them two sets of uniform as you have two homes in the picture and mistakes are bound to be made, even if ideally they would not. This is particularly the case if the children aren't very ready to be more responsible, this isn't going to happen overnight and problems with the uniforms has happened twice now in a couple of weeks. Just deal with the surface issue now, see if you can get second hand ones from the school as a back up (they may have someone who deals with this, a sale, or you could ring the pastoral care and actually ask, they have whole heaps of lost property if you explain the situation of the two homes and the issues with attendance).Then work on the other stuff as and when.

It all sounds very stressful for you and it will be even harder when your husband is working away and can't drop them I guess.

What would your DH do if he was single and their mum died? Because frankly, it sounds like whatever he’d do in that situation, he needs to do now.

Oh OP I am so on your side.

I’m not sure this has been picked up though - he taught YOUR child to iron but won’t teach his? Or have I misread that hugely?

Children not being able to go to school because the ‘adults’ in their life have fucked up about something so ridiculous as their uniform is appalling.
Bodes well for these poor kids futures

Yeah he taught my DD (who has left home now).

I think he guilt parents a lot rather than giving them tough life lessons sometimes and the tools they need to live independently.

As is not unusual he was a lot tougher on my kids than he is on his own.

Their mother isn’t the greatest and they need to learn how to do certain things for themselves.

Not having spare uniform is ludicrous, for this exact sort of reason. I'm confused about whether she is 200 miles away from him or 30 miles, but if it is only 30 miles then I would definitely drop the uniform over for them.

Unfortunately some parents are just utterly shit and it means the other parent doing a lot more than their own share. My own DC dad doesn’t exist in their lives other than the legacy of psychological terrorism (I pay for the therapy to undo that). He doesn’t pay any maintenance and hasn’t seen them in 2 years. For long while I was very angry and bitter that it meant I was doing it all and sacrificing everything while he lost nothing but I actually had some counselling myself to address that resentment and I’m good with it now. I accept that this is what I must do for my children because he never will.

They do not want to live here they know that if they want to they can.

Problem is I think that they get away with a lot more at home (unrestricted internet access which worries me deeply) so it’s more attractive to live there.

So what’s the point in launching a custody battle they don’t want and social care haven’t taken any of our concerns seriously.

They haven’t even done a full assessment.

For me personally I find it a double whammy as my ex was an utter shit.

So I have had the shitty end of the stick both ways.

I try my best like I took DSD2 for a bra fitting as she was wearing white school shirts and you could clearly see her developing breasts through the shirt (DH suggested to her mum she do it) but her mum just let the dogs eat them because she hated that I had done it.

I'm with PP's that can't understand them having 1 uniform,I know they're expensive,we have 5DC and everything they wore apart from they're shirts had to be named and bought from a specific shop but we still managed to buy all of them 3 sets of uniforms each!

They do need to learn to be a bit more self sufficient but they are still to young to be expected to iron they're own uniforms I think,I think it's really sad that they're only have 1 set of uniforms and they're shirts are grey and they're Mum won't pick up they're uniforms or help keep them tidy.

14 is no way too young to iron?

These girls are not being looked after properly. One school uniform each is fucked up. They are teens, they will forget things sometimes. Your dp should have got out the car and checked. You all need to stop whinging about who takes responsibility for them and just bloody do it.

If you were in Australia you'd have to pay maintenance plus half of any other incidentals, like clothes. It's bullshit not to buy them clothes just because you pay maintenance.

I don’t think having only one school skirt is neglect. When my DD recently changed school her uniform was £400. I was given a second hand blazer. I only doubled up on ties and sports socks.

Her skirt is £35. I bought her one, then waited for one the right size to come up for sale second hand, so she does now have 2. But still only 1 jumper.

It’s quite shitty to have no phone - esp as where they live is a bit spread out and rural

Then they should stop fucking breaking them shouldn't they? Sorry OP - I think you are enabling these girls to some extent (I do have sympathy for them, but there are limits).

I have one dependant child left at home who I get no maintenance for.

Then they should stop fucking breaking them shouldn't they? Sorry OP - I think you are enabling these girls to some extent (I do have sympathy for them, but there are limits)*

I agree with you. It’s not me enabling it’s my DH!

No of course 14 isn't too young to iron. My DS went to boarding school at 11 and did all his own ironing.

If a 10 year old can use a mobile phone then a 12 year old can operate a washing machine and an iron - and my children did.