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Original poster

This is not my business but I need a rant...

237 replies

PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 22:00

DH and I fall out sometimes about god not encouraging his DDs to take responsibility for themselves. They are 12 and 14. He still has to remind them to brush their teeth and shower etc.

They were here this weekend. We live 200 miles away but DH works in the same town as them all week so brings them back with him on a Friday and drops them off on a Sunday on his way back.

I washed their school uniform and DH ironed it. He moans that his ex never irons it and it only gets ironed here. I have suggested he teaches them how to iron it themselves but he doesn’t (he taught my DD to iron with a travel iron when she was about 10).

Tonight he has dropped them off (he rushes around gathering their things and something usually gets left, like school shoes or coats) and they have left their uniform in his car.

He has asked his ex to meet him (it’s a 30 mile round trip from where he is to her) and she says she can’t as she has had a drink.

He says he will meet her tomorrow after work meaning the kids will be unable to go to school tomorrow as they have no spare uniform.

So what the fuck does this teach them about taking any responsibility? That they get a day off school? I think it’s bloody disgusting from both parents.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 10/02/2019 22:38

Then they go to school in whatever they can cobble together tomorrow and hopefully they’ll remember their uniforms next time. Sometimes kids have to take the consequences of their actions.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 22:40

Their attendance was about 85% on their last report Hmm

OP posts:
Paleninteresting · 10/02/2019 22:44

I so empathise with you. All I can say is breathe and they eventual leave school. Having tried to mange school uniform for two and now on sc number three it’s the most thankless task I have ever done.
Rant here all you like but leave it dad, do not save them or him.

MzHz · 10/02/2019 22:45

If I were your dp, I’d call the school and specifically ask about why attendance is so low and start flagging this up as an issue that is at home and needs sorting out

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 22:46

We have.

OP posts:
stiffstink · 10/02/2019 22:47

“They get out of the car and take their stuff out of the boot.”

This gives the impression that their dad gives less fucks than an Uber driver. You’re here, get your bags, bye now.

Does he get out of the car with his daughters? Walk them to the door with a hug? Jovial chat as they go? Or does he just pull up and leave them to it, festering on the amount you pay for them?

bethy15 · 10/02/2019 22:47

I'm pretty shocked that these girls only have one shirt and it's grey and nobody is willing to buy them another one, considering they wear it every single day of term.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 22:48

She gives them PJ days as a “treat”.

She takes them to matinees as treats on school days as it’s cheaper.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/02/2019 22:48

For the grey shirts try soaking them in Milton sterilising fluid.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/02/2019 22:50

In that case I would definitely hot foot it across with the uniforms as she will use this as an excuse not to send them and I wouldnt want to hand that excuse to her on a plate.

steppemum · 10/02/2019 22:50

to be fair, while my kids have more than one shirt and trousers, they only have one blazer and tie, and they would get into a lot of trouble turning up at school with no tie or blazer

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 22:50

I normally bleach them but I was going to go and get them some new ones this week.

I bought DS2 some bras, the dog “ate them”.

As I say we do not have a bottomless pit of money to pay for things. Their mother has drunk too much alcohol today to meet DH halfway.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/02/2019 22:50

I’d want to know that they weren’t off because of anything I did or didn’t do.

lyralalala · 10/02/2019 22:51

I can't believe you and your DH replace phones, but haven't bought the girls spare shirts. You can get them for a couple of quid in the supermarket.

Same with the ironing - if he taught your DD why haven't you taught his?

Those poor girls. Teenagers are fucking cruel to each other. Wearing the same shirt every day will make them an absolute target.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 10/02/2019 22:53

Mine only has one blazer and tie too. Big trouble if he went in without them.

BaronessBomburst · 10/02/2019 22:53

Stop replacing phones and buy new shirts.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 22:53

lyralalala

Because as I have said it is a bottomless pit.

Where do we stop?

When we can’t afford to pay the mortgage?

We pay maintenance for clothes which THEIR MOTHER is responsible for buying.

We pay for the phones and school shoes and coats to be nice and to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 22:55

They also have a whole wardrobe of clothes here because they never bring any clothes that actually fit.

We buy their tampons and pass which they take home with them and we pay for school trips.

DH also often pays for their school meals.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 10/02/2019 22:56

I don't get this 'it's their responsibility to check the boot' thing at all. Surely when you drop anyone off, you get out, help them with their stuff, do a quick check to make sure nothing left, doubly so with your own children. Honestly, this isn't something unusual or extra demanding, fairly ordinary sensible stuff when people take stuff out of your car.

I don't get the money thing either- yes it's expensive to have children and very very annoying when they lose stuff, but uniforms aren't a negotiable in the way a phone is. I would get another uniform set, and have one at their other home at all times, so only one is out and about. A spare shirt and tie at the very very least.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 22:58

We pay over and above for the children.

We pay more than we can afford.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 10/02/2019 23:01

PooleySpooley I get that and I'm sure you do pay over and above. However, to not to go school as you don't have the uniform because you are shunted about through no fault of your own and you didn't remember is shit. Getting shirts and a spare tie is really not going to break the bank and is far more important than replacement phones or their out of school clothes. It seems an odd thing to get stubborn about given that you do pay so much elsewhere.

lyralalala · 10/02/2019 23:01

School shirts are more important than mobile phones.

If they are so neglected by their mother has your DH thought about speaking to them about living with you? Or going to court for it if it's in their best interests?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 10/02/2019 23:04

In your shoes OP I'd pretty much stop it all. Honestly, I think their mother is taking the piss.

Pay the maintenance sounds like the mother drinks it. Then budget a little more over that per month for extras. No more phones. These are a luxury. if they break one they can get a second hand cheap one for emergencies and a new one for a birthday. The girls aren't responsible because they have never been taught to be and they have not been taught consequences. Clearly their Mother isn't interested. Sometimes being a good parent is not about being the most generous one, it's being the most sensible and responsible. Personally, I would buy two sets of uniform and extra shirts, but I'd leave it at that. Any left behinds mean they go without and face consequences. Any losses they make up for out of their own money or have replacements as birthday presents.

Am I reading this right that your DH works away all week leaving you and your DD (is he the father?) elsewhere, then they spend the weekend with you and you are expected to pay for most of their needs and wants?

What are you getting out of this?

greathat · 10/02/2019 23:05

You stop at the phones. They don't NEED phones. They DO need more than one school skirt! What if one of them leaks on her period or sits in something! This is ringing all sorts of alarm bells. Sort out your priorities all of you!

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 10/02/2019 23:06

We have spoken to them and they can live with us.

They don’t want to live here as it would mean a move away from their mother and their friends and it’s tricky as DH job takes him away for long periods so I would be responsible for them and I work long hours and have raised my family alone.

We have reported her to social care on 4 occasions and nothing has happened (we hoped for some suppprt for her).

I was friends with her until I suggested things weren’t good enough for the girls.

We are struggling to pay for everything but DH doesn’t want to stop paying for their phones because they would then be unable to contact him which is really important.

OP posts: