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Original poster

My Partner of 8 years being invited to family wedding without me...

308 replies

BettyR03 · 08/02/2019 22:19

My partner and I received a save the date about a year ago, for their cousins wedding, whom we both have a good relationship with, it’s not a close one, but when we do see each other we all get along really well. Well the invitation for said wedding have just arrived... but only for my partner to attend during the day, and for me to join in the evening... the location is a good couple of hours away so it will mean travelling and turning up by myself. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset to not be invited? We’re not married but have been together for 8 years and have kids together. My partner can’t see why I’m upset/annoyed by this, and just keeps calling me immature and self centred for being a bit irked by it.
Any advice would be great. Thanks x

OP posts:
Gina2012 · 09/02/2019 16:22

A lot of people are like this.

No one I know would be so rude - the OP has children with her partner and has been with him for some years

But in your culture it's the ring on the finger which gets her the invite, eh?

Sweet Confused

EWAB · 09/02/2019 16:22

I am now nearer 50 than 40 and I am stunned that weddings have become what they have.
My brother chose to have a particular type of wedding which excluded siblings’ partners. My sister and I sat sobbing when we realised and my brother-in-law thought we’d suffered a bereavement! When confronted by my other brother Brother 1 just turned round and asked if we all thought that he should compromise the most important day of his life in order to accommodate us. What stung most was he said if he invited people important to us he couldn’t invite people important to him! It was devastating however there was no exceptions. We were all treated the same (badly)!
Here two people of exactly the same relationship OP and her BiL are being treated differently. That is 1 issue.
2nd issue is OP’s partner doesn’t care that his sister’s partner is invited all day but his isn’t (most men would feel this was offensive to their pride)and he doesn’t have the emotional insight to see how hurtful this is to OP..

BarbarianMum · 09/02/2019 16:29

Never mind the wedding. Why does your partner of 8 years and the father of your children not see you as family? You should be his closest family.

anniehm · 09/02/2019 16:30

Very rude, inviting people who live more than an hour away to just the evening or excluding the kids I find objectionable. You are free to invite who you want, but be considerate if not local to your guests

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 16:32

Thigh Has SIL DP been invited only to the evening and is going to amuse himself until then?

No He has been invited to the whole thing!

LuLuLota · 09/02/2019 16:36

But in your culture it's the ring on the finger which gets her the invite, eh?
Pretty much. Parents who generally will be funding weddings are ashamed of relationships with out of wedlock children.
Maybe this is the case for the OP's partners family.
It could be a nudge to say we'd like you to marry.

LuLuLota · 09/02/2019 16:37

I'm guessing SIL and her boyfriend don't have children ?

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 16:47

I'm guessing SIL and her boyfriend don't have children ?

Not the case, LuLuLota. OP wrote:

My SIL and her partner have just had a little girl together, but haven’t spoken of getting married anytime soon, so they’re in the same boat I suppose.

And the OP already said that her dc were not invited so that couldn't be the reason.

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 16:49

Parents who generally will be funding weddings are ashamed of relationships with out of wedlock children.
Maybe this is the case for the OP's partners family.

Leaving aside my feelings about that statement LuLu, it can't apply in this case because SIL has a dd "out of wedlock" Hmm

LuLuLota · 09/02/2019 17:08

Maybe it's the.long 8 year relationship and 2 kids that's trumping it.
I'm not personally saying a relationships and kids without being married has lower status than one with a ring but others do think this.
Anyway I'd like to hear if the OP wants to get married.

Gina2012 · 09/02/2019 17:18

But in your culture it's the ring on the finger which gets her the invite, eh?

Pretty much. Parents who generally will be funding weddings are ashamed of relationships with out of wedlock children.
Maybe this is the case for the OP's partners family.
It could be a nudge to say we'd like you to marry.

Or a nudge to return to the 1930's?Confused

Anyway. It's a great shame but imo the OP should be wary of such judgement and lack of loyalty from her DP and his family

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 17:34

The logic of a cultural attitude that might invite a non-married couple with a single child and 2 year relationship, but not invite a non-married coup;e with an 8 year relationship and 2 children defeats me completely!

But, I think we can be certain, that this situation is not cultural in that sense or the OP would have made reference to it.

Terribletwos84 · 09/02/2019 17:55

My ex partners best friend invited him to a wedding and not me, had been together over six years and he didn't see why it was an insult. It caused a massive rift in the friendship circle and between my ex partner and myself. It really hurt my feelings at the time. Eventually i received an evening invite but had a better offer of a party with another group of friends, didnt particularly want to go feeling unwanted. I think you are right to be upset and you shouldn't go as no matter what you will feel like you were out of place. Find something more fun to do and just send a nice present and card.

CrabbityRabbit · 09/02/2019 18:19

What time is he home?

Ethel80 · 09/02/2019 18:21

Don't send a nice present and card ffs, let your insensitive and selfish partner sort that out. I hope he buys something really shit.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2019 19:21

It is a snub as the same does not apply to partners sister, who is also not married and been together a lot less. You said that you often clash over his family!y, him appeasing them, over your feelings. Says a lot how he sees you, does not respect your have your back. You have partner problems I am afraid, i could not be with somebody who puts cousins happiness above his partner. It seems like it's his family first, you second not good.

Original poster
BettyR03 · 09/02/2019 20:48

@LuLuLota I do want to get married, haven’t said I don’t want to... in fact we’ve been talking about it for the past 2 years, but we just have more important financial things to worry about with a mortgage and 2 children, than getting married at this moment.
We’ve just spoken about the issue at hand, to which my partner has sat and listened to my feelings and thoughts, I’ve explained about how this time last year something very similar happened with DB wedding, but things went down very differently. To which he replied he hadn’t thought about it that way, and didn’t realise that I’d be that hurt by it.
DP has offered to only attend the evening so we can travel up together (I feel this should have been the first response, but some men just aren’t as emotionally evolved as women 🤷🏻‍♀️)
Question is, do I compromise and go to the evening? I feel like it’s going to be awkward now, but don’t want to make a scene by acting spoilt by still refusing to attend.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2019 20:51

That's good, I am glad the talk went well, then I would goto just the evening g together and present a united front.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2019 20:52

That's a much better idea, and showing the couple that you come together or not at all.

2birds1stone · 09/02/2019 21:22

I was just about to suggest that he only attends the wedding but when you do the RSVP make it clear why but you still want to celebrate their marriage.

I would also take a card and a token gift (£10)

lilydilly · 09/02/2019 21:32

I can't believe he can't understand why you're upset. Why wouldn't you be? He is very inconsiderate. So are his family.

lilydilly · 09/02/2019 21:32

I can't believe he can't understand why you're upset. Why wouldn't you be? He is very inconsiderate. So are his family.

lilydilly · 09/02/2019 21:33

Oooops posted twice sorry. Blush

WinterfellWench · 09/02/2019 22:04

@BettyR03

I do want to get married, haven’t said I don’t want to... in fact we’ve been talking about it for the past 2 years, but we just have more important financial things to worry about with a mortgage and 2 children, than getting married at this moment.

Sorry OP, but this sounds like an excuse. It costs barely ANYthing to get married. I bet you spend more between you in 3 months on your mobile phone contracts. ANYone can afford to get married.

Is it your DP who is putting it off? I am guessing it is.

WinterfellWench · 09/02/2019 22:06

@BettyR03

WOW, if ever there was living proof that many people still don't take peoples relationships seriously when they're not married; this is it. Also, it seems your DP doesn't take it seriously either. My DH would laugh in the face of anyone who invited him to a formal or family event without me. It's never happened though. We were married around 3 years after meeting, but even so, I got invited to his family events within 3-4 months of dating him.

How fucking RUDE to not invite a long term partner. I would never do that! Hell, I even invited my cousin's new girlfriend who he has been with for just 3 months, to my 40th birthday party a few years back.

Seriously OP, your DP should be sorting this. Either saying he thinks you should also go to the daytime event, or you BOTH don't go to it.

If 'numbers are limited' (worst bullshit excuse to enable people to not invite people they don't like,) then they should ALSO have left out your DP.

He is not treating you with respect sorry OP. And neither is his family. Sadly, as a pp said, some people still don't treat people well when they don't get married, and have children out of wedlock. This attitude needs consigning to the history books tbh. It's 20 fucking 19! Hmm (As a few people said though, the SIL had a kid out of wedlock, so that's a bit odd!)