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Original poster

My Partner of 8 years being invited to family wedding without me...

308 replies

BettyR03 · 08/02/2019 22:19

My partner and I received a save the date about a year ago, for their cousins wedding, whom we both have a good relationship with, it’s not a close one, but when we do see each other we all get along really well. Well the invitation for said wedding have just arrived... but only for my partner to attend during the day, and for me to join in the evening... the location is a good couple of hours away so it will mean travelling and turning up by myself. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset to not be invited? We’re not married but have been together for 8 years and have kids together. My partner can’t see why I’m upset/annoyed by this, and just keeps calling me immature and self centred for being a bit irked by it.
Any advice would be great. Thanks x

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 09/02/2019 13:25

Why has SIL’s partner been invited and you haven’t? Your partner should see this is wrong. I wouldn’t be going to the evening reception.

deadliftgirl · 09/02/2019 13:39

A good few years ago my DH (then bf) was invited to a wedding of his best friend and his fiancé. I was only invited to the evening reception. The difference between this circumstance and yours OP is that we had just got back together after a break up when the wedding had been planned. In all honestly, I was really upset by it though as my husband had been running around doing everything for the wedding preparations even though he was not in the bridal party.

My husband completely understood though where I was coming from but he just felt he had to put the wants of the couple first as it was there day. In the end, I went along in the evening, made sure I looked fab and we had a good time. We got married ourselves recently and we made sure we never did this to anyone attending as regardless of reason (numbers etc) its never fair to cause problems between a couple like this.

I think for your situation there is 2 major problems. First, the couple getting married does not respect your relationship to even consider the idea of inviting you as evening guest. However, the second and most important problem is that your partner does not have your back nor does he put you first. I think you need to have a serious talk with him but its best to be calm, relaxed and ask him to listen so he can hear your point of view. Perhaps drop the subject for a few days and then try to ask him if you can both sit down and discuss this as it is really bothering you.

About a year later after this couple married, another friend of my husband got married. We were both invited to the whole day but before invites were posted out my husband said to me If I was not invited then he would not go at all himself. By this point we were together for over 1 year and I think when couples are in serious relationships you just do not do that.

The only time I would invite a cousin and not the partner is if its a new relationship and they have only been together like 3 months. The other thing is that when I was not invited to this wedding my husband was happy for me to not go at all if thats what I wanted. I think your partner thinks he can tell you what to do and your feelings do not count. I am really shocked by this. Please give us an update and I hope you resolve this soon.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 09/02/2019 14:01

I don't understand the distinction between married and not married these days. Our dcs are in very committed relationships, living together with partners and in one case, have a child. They are very committed to their partners. I think it is a daft'way to decide whether a relationship is serious or not. My sibling and partner have been together (living together) for around 30 years. They have a mortgage, DCs, a completely shared life. Do some people really think theirs is a less committed relationship than that of someone who marries only a few months after meeting? Given the number of marriages that break down these days, I would suggest that my sibling's relationship is no less committed than anyone else's. The only thing they don't have is a wedding ring.

MumW · 09/02/2019 14:03

"DP, when my DB got married, he asked me if we'd be offended if only I was invited. I told DB that it was both of us or neither of us. DB totally understood and we were both invited."

"Do you remember how you felt when you found this out? You were very hurt that they'd even considered not inviting you?"

"You remember, yes?"

"Well, can you not see why I'm rather upset that you can't understand why I feel put out and hurt that I'm not invited to this ceremony?"
"Can you not understand that I'm gutted by your lack of support? "
"Can you not see why, given that I would have to organise babysitting, as well as travelling alone, that it's too much hassle when neither you nor the bridal party think enough of me to invite me to the whole ceremony?"

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2019 14:11

“I don't understand the distinction between married and not married these days.“

Oh, lots of women regard being married as an achievement to be proud of. Recognising non married relationships would devalue their accomplishment!

AnotherEmma · 09/02/2019 14:12

Well, there is a legal difference between married and unmarried. It is a commitment. Not an "achievement".

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/02/2019 14:12

he is still insistent that I travel to come to the evening do

He doesn't get to insist on you going anywhere. It's not the 1950's.

Tootrousers · 09/02/2019 14:13

It’s rude. This happened to me once too and I was really upset. I told a friend about it and she said she only invited people she and her fiancé had met to her wedding. So she invited friends and family but not their partners if she or her fiancé hadn’t met them. This meant that lots of established long term partners weren’t invited to hers. It’s weird I reckon and rude

Gina2012 · 09/02/2019 14:17

To which my partner was very unsupportive and mean, cue calling me selfish and immature as I’m trying to cause a scene by not attending at all.
I love my partner, but when it comes to his family, if I ever have a slight negative opinion about them or their actions he never attempts to see things from my perspective, but is happy to voice his negative opinions about my family on the regular.

Sounds like him and his family are rather rude and unkind.

I'd not go to the wedding

Let DP sort the gift

And in future pull back from the relationship with this couple

I'd also be careful with your DP. His lack of support for you is a red flag for me (I've been in a relationship like this and it hurt a lot)

bananasandwicheseveryday · 09/02/2019 14:26

@BertrandRussell
Oh, lots of women regard being married as an achievement to be proud of. Recognising non married relationships would devalue their accomplishment

@AnotherEmma
Well, there is a legal difference between married and unmarried. It is a commitment. Not an "achievement".

I am perfectly aware of the legal difference, but that is not what is being discussed here. Rather, it is about how people view a relationship. And I do know of some who do indeed view their marriage as an achievement rather than, necessarily, a commitment. I have been married for many years, but it's definitely a commitment rather than an achievement. We are fully committed to each other, and our relationship. Most people I know who are in ling term relationships feel the same, whether married or not. But I do know a few for whom it's all about 'the ring' (engagement and wedding) and the outward trappings rather than the actual relationship.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 09/02/2019 14:27

*long, not long.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 09/02/2019 14:27

Oh, bugger. You know what I mean!

MamaLovesMango · 09/02/2019 14:33

The numbers excuse is bullshit considering how big the wedding is and that another partner is invited. There’s another reason. The numbers excuse is usually trotted out as a non-confrontational way of avoiding unwanted guests. Not always, but often and definitely in this case.

To be hoe at OP, if my DH had behaved the way your DP has, I’d seriously be revaluating my marriage. It’s clear he respects you very little as his life partner.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2019 14:45

Reading your posts it is double standards, one rule for him and one reform you, meaning, he does not respect you, or see you as equal to him, rather him and his feelings are more important. Yes he does not insist anything, you do what you want, he is not your owner.

LuLuLota · 09/02/2019 14:59

If being part of the whole wedding and being officially recognised as couple is important to you, why aren't you married OP ?

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2019 15:01

Oh dear 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Thehop · 09/02/2019 15:14

Your partner is being very disloyal and selfish. I’d struggle to want him around if this his how he behaves.

timeisnotaline · 09/02/2019 15:44

There is no way I’d go now. I’d tell hi you can make your own decisions of course but remember I told my brother for his wedding we came as a team. Now I know we don’t so i won’t be looking out for you in future.

Fabaunt · 09/02/2019 15:44

Why are children not invited? I find it amazing!!!
There is nothing wrong with having a childfree wedding, and surely the couple is entitled to decide who they want at their big and who they want to pay for. Their day isn’t about your children.

Ethel80 · 09/02/2019 15:47

@LuLuLota Are you serious?

WindsfromtheNE · 09/02/2019 15:49

Very rude of DP's cousin, but really bad behaviour by your DP. Can he really not see that you are hurt. We had exactly the same scenario and my then DP (now DH) refused the invitation as he thought it was rude to only ask him. Agree it's likely to be about you not being married, it certainly was in our case.

Jb291 · 09/02/2019 15:52

Your thick headed partner can"insist" all he likes. Stand your ground and demand that he shows you and your relationship some respect. I would not be going nor would I be providing free childcare or lifting a finger to purchase a card of gift. This also absolves you of any future responsibility for purchasing birthday or Christmas cards/gifts for his family.

LuLuLota · 09/02/2019 16:00

Ethel80
@LuLuLotaAre you serious?

Absolutely, marriage is an important part of my culture.
My extended family wouldn't invite unmarried partners to a family wedding unless they were engaged.
A lot of people are like this.

pineapplebryanbrown · 09/02/2019 16:07

Has SIL DP been invited only to the evening and is going to amuse himself until then?

GoodMornin · 09/02/2019 16:21

YANBU
I would be really annoyed and upset by the original snub and also his attitude.
When me and my partner were right at the beginning of our relationship (about3 months in) my partners best friend got married and I was invited to the whole thing even though I'd never even met the couple getting married!! But partners best friend realised I would be important to my partner