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AIBU?

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Original poster

My Partner of 8 years being invited to family wedding without me...

308 replies

BettyR03 · 08/02/2019 22:19

My partner and I received a save the date about a year ago, for their cousins wedding, whom we both have a good relationship with, it’s not a close one, but when we do see each other we all get along really well. Well the invitation for said wedding have just arrived... but only for my partner to attend during the day, and for me to join in the evening... the location is a good couple of hours away so it will mean travelling and turning up by myself. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset to not be invited? We’re not married but have been together for 8 years and have kids together. My partner can’t see why I’m upset/annoyed by this, and just keeps calling me immature and self centred for being a bit irked by it.
Any advice would be great. Thanks x

OP posts:
RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 22:09

Ffs why are people now picking apart the OP's attitude to getting married??
It's completely irrelevant!

Tavannach · 09/02/2019 22:14

You have kids? So you're the mother of the cousin's little cousins? It's really rude to not invite you. Both or neither basically.

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 22:16

OP I'm glad you have been able to talk to your DP and he understands better.

snitzelvoncrumb · 09/02/2019 22:33

I think if you want to go to the evening it's ok to go, if your dp doesn't go to the ceremony without you then him missing the ceremony is going to get the point across.

LunafortJest · 09/02/2019 23:19

OP you say "but we just have more important financial things to worry about with a mortgage and 2 children, than getting married at this moment."

Being married means you have legal and financial rights. What could be more important than making sure you secure those financial and legal rights by getting married? Whats the point in having a mortgage if you don't have legal financial rights? You appear to have the cart before the horse. And it really does not cost much to go to a registry office. And for that money, you have legal rights and financial rights. So it should be a priority to you.

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2019 23:54

It is perfectly possible to put measures in place to protect yourself and your children without being married.

Jon65 · 10/02/2019 01:18

Christ, some people want to be married and to others it isn't important. I think some of the posters should remove their judgie pants.

LunafortJest · 10/02/2019 01:55

BertrandRussell it is a lot more complicated without a marriage certificate. Marriage gives a couple certainty and legal and financial rights. It is, after all, why GLBT have been fighting for years for marriage equality.

Gina2012 · 10/02/2019 06:52

Question is, do I compromise and go to the evening? I feel like it’s going to be awkward now, but don’t want to make a scene by acting spoilt by still refusing to attend.

I think as DP has compromised, you should too

Both go to the evening do

And

If you really want to be married you can do it for less than £200

WinterfellWench · 10/02/2019 08:06

Many posters agree. Get married. You can do it quickly and cheaply. If your partner refuses, tell him to fuck off, get a court order for child maintenance, and start looking after yourself and DC. Your partner has already shown you he doesn't respect or value you by how he is treating you with regards to this wedding. If he won't marry you, he does not deserve to have you at all.

BertrandRussell · 10/02/2019 08:12

“BertrandRussell it is a lot more complicated without a marriage certificate.“
Of course it is. But it is perfectly doable without. Marriage does confer legal rights. It does not confer moral or social superiority.

whiteroseredrose · 10/02/2019 08:31

I'd go as a couple to the evening. Seems like a good compromise.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 10/02/2019 10:12

May I ask (cynic that I am) - after the wedding, what are the transport arrangements for getting home?

Gina2012 · 10/02/2019 12:28

Oh @Otterseatpuffinsdontthey 😂 I hadn't thought about that ConfusedHmm

Sweetpea55 · 10/02/2019 12:35

Its embarrasing for you, I wouldnt go either, and neither would my DP Your partner isnt very supportive if he,,

Original poster
BettyR03 · 10/02/2019 13:01

@Otterseatpuffinsdontthey they’re expecting us to stay overnight at hotels they’ve suggested, due to the location. So we’ve been talking about what we might do whilst the rest of the family are at the ceremony, and we’ve found a spa which we may go to during the day before attending the evening.
In regards to marriage to all PP, I’m aware you can get married for a minimal amount, heck my brother done it in 8 weeks all under £2000 and still managed to have a big evening part... however (I’m going to sound spoilt here) but I only intend on getting married once, and want it to be special with all our family and friends included, so I don’t want to just do a quick registry job (not that there’s anything wrong with that, my brother and mother both done it, and they were beautiful weddings). I want to get married because we both want to get married, because we love each other, not for legal benefits. We’ve managed the last 5 years with our financial commitments not being married, so I’m sure we can survive a few more years. x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2019 13:16

Op good on you, that will show them you come as a united front, and to take your 8 year relationship seriously. Why should op have a quick cheaply wedding, for tge sake of being married, it is not what she wants!

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 10/02/2019 13:31

The cynical me had thought you may have been getting used as the designated driver.
Ultimately, it's your decision - and you must do what makes you happy.
The spa idea sounds great - make sure you have a glass, or two, of "fizz" - just to keep up with the "alldaytimers"
Have a lovely day Flowers

RandomMess · 10/02/2019 13:36

I think you both going to the evening is a reasonable compromise and shows you are a "couple"

WinterfellWench · 10/02/2019 15:27

@BettyR03

In regards to marriage to all PP, I’m aware you can get married for a minimal amount, heck my brother done it in 8 weeks all under £2000 and still managed to have a big evening part... however (I’m going to sound spoilt here) but I only intend on getting married once, and want it to be special with all our family and friends included, so I don’t want to just do a quick registry job (not that there’s anything wrong with that, my brother and mother both done it, and they were beautiful weddings). I want to get married because we both want to get married, because we love each other, not for legal benefits. We’ve managed the last 5 years with our financial commitments not being married, so I’m sure we can survive a few more years. x

You crack on then! You stay unmarried. 👏👏👏 I am sure your partner won't mind it.

And enjoy being regarded as a second rate citizen (by society,) for a bit longer - with no financial security, and absolutely NO RIGHTS to anything of your partner's (if he leaves you,) just because you want a big fancy schmancy wedding do. 🙄

Seriously, there's no helping some people! Hmm

By the way, you're deluded if you think you will be able to afford it any more in five years, or ten years, than you can now!

Pomello · 10/02/2019 15:30

I'd go somewhere the night before and leave him with the kids.

ivykaty44 · 10/02/2019 15:34

If you don’t go to the evening party will you be missed? If not then probably best not to go.
If your partner wants to go then he goes, if not you both stay home

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2019 15:43

Wow winterfell interfering or what. Totally irrelevant to the op, it is her decision and her partner what to do regarding getting married, and nobody else's. Some people don't get married, they don't believe in it. Each to their own and all that. Op asked about not being invited to the Day celebrations of her partner's cousin's wedding, not an assassination of her relationship and why she is not married by now. This is not the 1930s!

WinterfellWench · 10/02/2019 15:56

FFS. Hmm

WinterfellWench · 10/02/2019 15:57

Wow winterfell interfering or what. Totally irrelevant to the op, it is her decision and her partner what to do regarding getting married, and nobody else's. Some people don't get married, they don't believe in it. Each to their own and all that. Op asked about not being invited to the Day celebrations of her partner's cousin's wedding, not an assassination of her relationship and why she is not married by now. This is not the 1930s!

WOW @Aeroflotgirl, giving my own honest and valid opinions or what? Hmm

If someone posts on a public message board, and especially on AIBU, they are going to get lots of different opinions and views - SOME that they won't like.

This has fuckall to do with it 'being the 1930's (or not!) Anyone who has a child with a man and isn't married to him, is extremely foolhardy IMO. No legal protection, not entitled to anything of his if he fucks off and leaves, and regarded as a second class citizen by society. The OP's original post proves that her relationship with her DP is not taken particularly seriously, as she is being left out her DP's family member's wedding, but he isn't!

And I want to slap someone across the face with a wet fish when they say they can't AFFORD to get married. Lamest excuse ever. it costs fuckall. The OP's partner is putting it off, and he is gaslighting her into believing it's because they can't afford it. You're deluded if you can't see that. (And so is the OP.)

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