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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Partner of 8 years being invited to family wedding without me...

308 replies

BettyR03 · 08/02/2019 22:19

My partner and I received a save the date about a year ago, for their cousins wedding, whom we both have a good relationship with, it’s not a close one, but when we do see each other we all get along really well. Well the invitation for said wedding have just arrived... but only for my partner to attend during the day, and for me to join in the evening... the location is a good couple of hours away so it will mean travelling and turning up by myself. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset to not be invited? We’re not married but have been together for 8 years and have kids together. My partner can’t see why I’m upset/annoyed by this, and just keeps calling me immature and self centred for being a bit irked by it.
Any advice would be great. Thanks x

OP posts:
cherish123 · 10/02/2019 19:34

Maybe there is a number limit or it's a financial issue.

GabsAlot · 10/02/2019 19:40

read the thread cherish and vicky

glad hes come arund op but it shoud have ben his first respolnse before calling you names and saying your overeacting

PassTheGinPlease · 10/02/2019 21:20

It's rude. It's not like you're a flash in the pan fling.
Ive been in your position- 2 of DHs sisters are the rudest pair of feckers who exclude me all the time. I've now blocked them and have deliberately not invited them to stuff we are doing. If they phone me looking for their brother, I ignore it. I would go NC if I was you, makes life easier.

Don't bother going at all and tell them exactly why. As for your DP, I'd be making it clear that if he can't see why this is so rude and chooses to side with them that you need to reassess your relationship.

Original poster
BettyR03 · 10/02/2019 22:48

Evening all! Thanks for the opinions and reassurance on the matter.
Just a quick update on the ongoing dramas... we had dinner with relatives, and unfortunately this matter was mentioned. MIL thought my partner was being absolutely ridiculous by not attending the ceremony just because I would not be attending too, to which my partner done a complete 180 in comparison to his original feelings, and backed my corner every step of the way, explaining to MIL that it’s actually a pretty shitty thing, and how would she felt if the roles had been reversed and her husband not invited instead, which she then had a lightbulb moment, that it is pretty out of order.
I think maybe our previous talk has really helped with him taking my feelings into account, whilst also pointing out when his family are being pretty shitty.

We have confirmed we will only attend the evening together but will be doing things during the day, granted the childcare is sorted.

Thank you all for words of wisdom and support.

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe I will be sure to make sure I look FABULOUS whilst also showing everyone we are a united front!! xx

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 10/02/2019 22:53

What a fantastic outcome. Well done, glad your dp eventually saw sense. And you mil.

Kombuchaa · 10/02/2019 22:57

The couple should have just invited you both to the evening part, would have been decent. As they didnt dont take it to heart at all they are just people who are related to your partner. In my experience what is harsher is expecting them to consider you in the same way as they would him, in good times he is their family, in bad times its the same. Save yourself the hurt and lower your expectations of people who dont consider you important. All the best

JingsMahBucket · 10/02/2019 23:01

@BettyR03 that's a great turnaround from your partner. Did your MIL and others at the table ever say why you were only one not invited? Honestly that would have me confused the most and I'd want a straight answer on it too. How bizarre.

SparkiePolastri · 10/02/2019 23:03

That's great, Betty.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2019 23:04

Wow that is fantastic op, I am glad that your partner has your back. You can have a nice day together and enjoy the evening together how it should be.

RaffertyFair · 10/02/2019 23:29

Nice one Betty! Grin

Sb74 · 11/02/2019 00:35

Your partner sounds an arsehole. If you were married would they do that? No. So why do it when you are all but married. Your partner shouldn’t go either on support of you. Disgusting behaviour.

Sb74 · 11/02/2019 00:36

Sorry not read update 😄

SandyY2K · 11/02/2019 01:13

Excellent update OP. It's good to talk these things through and I'm glad he understood your point.

Inviting one half of a well established couple to a wedding is wrong.

LunafortJest · 11/02/2019 01:45

WinterfellWench was a bit harsh in how they come across, but the essence was correct. The marriage is important to you, or it is not.
The wedding is a blip of a split second of many, many, many years together - hopefully. Generally the longer a couple are together without getting engaged even, the less likely they will ever get around the marrying. You wouldn't believe how many people I have come across, even the sister of my best friend, who say 'oh we are saving up for a wedding', yet are still together for (in her case 17 years) years without making any headway on this 'saving'. You ask them every so often and they admit they do want to be married, but still live hand to mouth and make not even the slightest attempt to save.

I say, you either want a marriage, or you want a wedding. Those who are focussed on a massive expensive wedding don't seem to be, at least in my experience and opinion, all that interested or focussed on MARRIAGE. It ONE....DAY. Which goes by so very quickly it barely even registers with you. And they see the wedding as the main event. Not the MARRIAGE itself.

Those who want a marriage, couldn't be fuked where they get married. They'd be happy saying a few words in front of 2 people and signing a piece of paper then walking out seconds later. They want to BE married, and they couldn't care if it was by the side of the road, as long as they were married.

Maybe it is a good thing that those that are so fixated on the wedding itself don't get arround to marry, because the marriage was never the focal point for them anyway. The amount of women you see these days so overly-invested in a day that once the 'day' is over they're like....'oh, now what?' It's like a let down for them after months and months of obsessing over outfits and gowns and makeup. Some brides feel flat after a wedding because they have spend so long planning a massive day and all of a sudden it's over. It's a low after a months/year long high. They don't know what to do with themselves now afterwards.
You either want a wedding or you want a marriage; and what I've read, seen and heard from recent years firms my view it comes down to that.

LunafortJest · 11/02/2019 01:49

OP I just read your update, it sounds like your partner may be a hidden diamond! Congratulations to him doing a 180! I hope it goes well for you and you shine.

Nothinglefttochoose · 11/02/2019 02:01

Can’t stand separate guest lists for the ceremony then wedding dinner. It’s veru rude and like having an A and a B list. I wouldn’t go

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 11/02/2019 02:26

Fantastic update OP! Don’t forget about this slight though! Make sure to repay their kindness when it comes to your wedding! Or better still, just don’t invite them at all! Enjoy your day having precious bonding time with your dp and arrive as a clearly happy and loving couple! I’m curious, did you share the thread?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/02/2019 03:19

Fab update. It also must feel nice for your dp to stick up for you with his family. I hope you continue to be able to get through to him on that score.

Nikkik77 · 11/02/2019 04:18

I would be gutted if that happened but I would be more upset that my partner was not on my side, its silly not inviting both of you together as the cousin must know how far away you live and you are a couple, if I was you I would talk to the cousin and tell them the situation, with you having to travel all that way on your own, it doesn't make sense to me, but I think you should talk and try come to a solution. Good luck with everything x

TheLittleDogLaughed · 11/02/2019 04:28

I’m so glad to hear how this has been resolved. Have you had a reply from the couple-to-be in response to your dp’s decline of the invitation? I’m wondering if you’re going to suddenly be invited now! And if you’ll ever find out why you weren’t ...

moon2 · 11/02/2019 05:46

You have kids together as well as being a couple and they treat you like a swap a shop guest. That’s awful. Unless they think they’re doing you a favour if the kids aren’t invited re childcare, but still if that were the case they should have consulted you first. I hate weddings where kids are not invited! It’s a family event not a piss up at the night club.

LunafortJest · 11/02/2019 07:15

moon2 A wedding is an adults event, it is not something that children understand or are willing to sit still for, for large periods of time. Speeches can be R rated, alcohol served, I really don't understand people who think it is an event for kids. It is not. Unless there is a clown, jumping castle or play area. But if it is held in a formal dining restaurant, I think common sense would suggest it is definitely not for kids.

LoniceraJaponica · 11/02/2019 07:26

I don't necessarily agree Luna
In my experience weddings have always been family events where every generation in the family has been invited, not just the adults.

ferrier · 11/02/2019 07:26

LunafortJest .... I 100% disagree with you on both your recent posts.
A wedding is, in some people's view, about bringing two families together, not just the couple. Families include children. And most children are more than capable of behaving in a suitable manner .... witness the many thousands of weddings a year where just this happens.

I wanted a marriage and a wedding. The wedding was the best day of my life. Yes, above the births of any of my children. I remember a lot of it. The aftermath was a period of great happiness. I have visual records of it and often look back on them. The memories are very precious to me and great to look back on when times are tough.

But back on topic. Well done OP. Glad you managed to get your dp to see sense.

Oliversmumsarmy · 11/02/2019 14:42

*You crack on then! You stay unmarried. 👏👏👏 I am sure your partner won't mind it.

And enjoy being regarded as a second rate citizen (by society,) for a bit longer - with no financial security, and absolutely NO RIGHTS to anything of your partner's*

Talk about Smug Married.

Is this what you turn into when you get married. Looking down your nose on people thinking they are 2nd rate while you flash your gold band to the world to show you actually found someone so you can’t be that unloveable.

Having lived with Dp for nearly 40 years I have financial security. There are ways to go about this.

I also don’t have any of the divorce bill if we were to split.

All bar one of the weddings I have been to have ended in divorce where as all the ones I know who live together are still together decades later.