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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Partner of 8 years being invited to family wedding without me...

308 replies

BettyR03 · 08/02/2019 22:19

My partner and I received a save the date about a year ago, for their cousins wedding, whom we both have a good relationship with, it’s not a close one, but when we do see each other we all get along really well. Well the invitation for said wedding have just arrived... but only for my partner to attend during the day, and for me to join in the evening... the location is a good couple of hours away so it will mean travelling and turning up by myself. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset to not be invited? We’re not married but have been together for 8 years and have kids together. My partner can’t see why I’m upset/annoyed by this, and just keeps calling me immature and self centred for being a bit irked by it.
Any advice would be great. Thanks x

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2019 16:00

Winter maybe op does not a rushed registry office affaire, she wants a nice wedding and that is her right. It is up to op, regardless of your opinions, what she does!

poppycity · 10/02/2019 16:01

Wow. I'm so shocked. You don't cut numbers for a wedding by excluding family members partners?! I can see not giving a +1 to people you don't know, but that's very strange.

Your partners reaction however is worse. It's not okay when someone is hurt by something to call them names.

I think neither of you should go send a nice email and like one poster above said, keep it breezy. But I think it's also okay to make it clear you are a unit and neither one of you should be excluded. Were other partners invited?

drspouse · 10/02/2019 16:06

Legally, wedding ceremonies in England are public...

WinterfellWench · 10/02/2019 16:09

Fair enough @AeroflotGirl I know the OP is probably dreaming of a big fairytale wedding, but I just worry for women who have children with men they are not married to, because they leave themselves very vulnerable. And the 'well we can't afford it' line seems like a red herring/excuse, because actually just 'getting married' costs so little.

Don't mean to offend or upset, so apologies if I have @BettyR03 I just don't want you end up with the shit end of the stick if your partner leaves you.

You could get married quickly and easily, and have just 2 witnesses, then have a nice big party later on.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2019 16:19

Oh right, winter yes that is the downside.

Original poster
BettyR03 · 10/02/2019 16:26

@WinterfellWench wow. A second rate citizen? Is that how you view all people based on not being married?
I’ve seen people be together for 30 years without being married, and they’ve managed just fine, and I’ve seen people married for 2 years and it end in an absolute shit storm.
Not that it’s releveant to the original post, or why I need to justify this... but here we go; if we were to breakup, we both legally own the deeds to our house, so that is not an issue, and he would still legally have to provide for his children, (not that he wouldn’t anyway, he’s a great dad and wouldn’t be that callous) so those are the two main things, anything else in our relationship/house does not matter. We are both independently financially stable and keep our finances separate anyway, so “financial security” is not an issue for me, and I do not believe that is the reason to get married.
Sorry my opinion is different to yours, but I didn’t ask for you to butcher my reasons for not being married in this moment in my life 🤷🏻‍♀️ I asked about not being invited to my partners cousins wedding during the day, whilst he has, and whether it is unreasonable to be upset... But thank you so much for making me feel really shitty about my opinions. 👍🏻

OP posts:
WinterfellWench · 10/02/2019 16:41

No I DON'T think women are second rate citizens if they are together for years/have kids, and are not married.

But a lot of people do.

As what you have posted here on this thread proves...........

Sorry, but you are trying to convince yourself it's OK to be with a man, and have children with a man, and not be married.

I don't know why any woman would put themselves in that position.

You are being very naive.

WinterfellWench · 10/02/2019 16:43

I shall bow out of this thread now, as no matter what I say it is being misconstrued.

Think VERY seriously about having a life with a man you have children with, when you are not married.

You are setting yourself up for a fall.

And .......... I'm out.

Good luck. You will need it!

DawgLover · 10/02/2019 17:07

I'm not entirely convinced that the lack of an invite is because of the "no ring" rule (a fucking stupid thing imo).

The way I read it, it might be more based on the family thinking that they could do this and it would just be accepted. That theres a history of the partner failing to back OP, so they're not viewed as a single unit and they thought "one less person, keeps our numbers round, no one will kick off if BettyR03 isn't invited..."

Hopefully both going in the evening sets a tone that you are very much a unit.

Babyroobs · 10/02/2019 17:43

This is just awful ! a work colleague/ friend has invited me to the day part of her wedding and my dh is invited too even though she has only met him one or twice briefly !

Louise841417 · 10/02/2019 17:43

Oh god your partner sounds like mine! His family have had a few digs at me over the years and some very passive aggressive behaviour! But he becomes the most reasonable person in the world when it comes to them and will dismiss everything they do, but when it comes to my family oh he becomes the moral majority there!
One thing I’ve noticed over the last few years is people are becoming nuts when it comes to weddings! They’ve probably had to make some cuts in the budget and they’ll justify it with “oh she should just be happy to share our special day!” It’s really bloody rude and if the roles were reversed they would be pretty miffed themselves but people seem to lose all sense of manners and etiquette once the bridezilla brain kicks in!
If this was me I would put your foot down massively with partner and say you will both only attend the night do. If it’s a couple of hours to travel that’s only reasonable. What would they expect you do sit in the hotel room twirling your thumbs till your presence is welcomed?!

Sally2791 · 10/02/2019 17:47

Rude, but your partners reaction is far more worrying. Very unsupportive.

Eggomobile · 10/02/2019 17:48

One of my cousins got married a few years ago and didn’t invite all of the cousins due to numbers, but those cousins who were invited had their husband/wives and kids included on the invite.

Everyone was quite outraged by this and it was agreed at the time the better thing to do was to invite the actual cousins and partners and kids could come in the evening.

Sometimes it’s just not possible to invite everyone.

I wouldn’t see that you’ve been invited to the evening as an after thought. I’d see that they are trying their best to accommodate everyone and have even taken the time to explain the situation in an email.

jade19 · 10/02/2019 17:49

To me it seems as though your partner has a choice to make HE stays being an idiot and goes all day without or the kids or he says he isn't going to be going alone during the day and goes with you in the evening.
If he went without you I agree to him sorting the present and I would make it clear to him DO NOT put mine or the kids names on it xx

Jaxhog · 10/02/2019 17:52

as will his sister and her partner,

If they are not inviting DPs, but aree inviting DHs , then that is a clear message. You may not like it, but some families take the view that only 'marrieds' get an invite to a family wedding. But if they are invited some DPs and not others, then that clearly isn't fair.

Your DP is being unsupportive in my view. Surely the best thing is for you both to go together or neither? I can't believe he expects you to make your own way there!

Relightmyfire2017 · 10/02/2019 17:54

I'd be mightily pissed off! Saying that, my partner wouldn't dream of attending without me. If it's down to financial issues then maybe you could both attend the ceremony and then go off and do your own thing until the evening do - however I would expect them to be upfront and honest about it, that being the reason.

NotStressedOut · 10/02/2019 17:59

Be gracious, life is too short to have misgivings. Wish your partner a good time at the wedding. Then decide if you want to attend the evening do. You may miss out on having a good time. Most people having a wedding have a budget and there are always people who will be upset if they are left out from invitations. My son and daughter but organised their weddings and there were family members who weren’t invited. My husband wasn’t happy but at the end of the day it’s the couples choice. Throw caution to the wind and look forward to an evening out without criticism.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/02/2019 18:02

What Alpaca said " He can rsvp then.He can arrange the gift. He can arrange the transport. He can arrange the hotel. He can arrange childcare. I do all these things if we have to go to a wedding and I'd be really cross if I was't invited to the day time when he was, when I was excpet to do all of the above, plus invest in a nice outfit that would get little use in RL.
Its two hours away and you either have to travel together and amuse yourself whilst he enjoys the day time wedding. Or both make the four hour round trip separately?
How would you both get home or would involve an overnight stay. Is it the case that you stay sober to drive him home?
Can't he see the awkwardness in that?
He needs to consider all of that.

on the other hand, I made mistakes like this when I invited people to my wedding, some of the difficulties people faced in attending had not occured to me. But when people explained, I did my best to re arrange them.
Perhaps its worth sending a polite explaination to the Cousin and saying that you wish them all the best, but under the circumstances it is quite difficult for you to attend. It might be that if he could calm down and talk to his cousin, it might not be as difficult to resolve as everyone thinks. She might have a reason for drawing the line ( perhaps there are quite a few people in this category and if she invites one - she has to invite all and can't do that. It might help salve some of your hurt if there is a genuine reason which is not based on disliking you.
If neither your OP or the Bride will budge, it's your call whether to go to the evening p or not. I'd be very tempted not to, if numbers are such a struggle, you can tell OP that it will give them more room to invite others.

Bettyh87 · 10/02/2019 18:16

I find your oh very disrespectful towards you. I would remind him of how upset he was not being invited to your brothers. If that was my oh I'd tell him where to go. It's not one rule for him. Sorry but he's an arse

Lou12124 · 10/02/2019 18:27

Not being silly to be upset at all! Firstly if you and your partner get married make sure you return the favour by inviting the cousin to just the evening or not at all! Secondly it should be your partner doesn't go in the day and just comes with you to the evening. You come as a pair so either both go or neither. That's my thoughts anyway!

JustAnotherWoman · 10/02/2019 18:31

I've not read all the responses but I'm going to go against the majority. A cousin I'm close to invited just me and my sister to his wedding and invited my husband of 25+yrs and children (and my sisters children) to the evening do. I cried with emotion during the wedding and sister and I had a lovely time on the aunties and uncles table (we're halfway in age between cousin and his mum), some of whom on his father's side we'd not seen in an age as they weren't our aunts and uncles. My partner and children enjoyed themselves in the evening and didn't feel they weren't wanted just understood not every relative could be accommodated during the day due to costs.

Ellie56 · 10/02/2019 18:49

HmmYour partner sounds more of an arsehole than the cousin.

mydogisthebest · 10/02/2019 19:11

Well not only do I think it is extremely rude I also think it is extremely weird.

I can't recall ever going to a wedding where the invites were not for couples or, in the case of a single person, also a plus 1.

I know if that were to happen to us my DH would not go but I really don't think we know anyone that rude or strange.

If its down to space or money then you just can't invite every family member. You don't just leave partners out

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 10/02/2019 19:23

OP if you do get a compromise where your DP will miss the ceremony and you both just go to the reception together as a united front please bear in mind to look utterly drop dead FABULOUS! Make an entrance and shine brightly...fuck em theres more than one way to make your point!!!!!!! Go on lady you show em!!! xxx

Vicky1990 · 10/02/2019 19:24

The etiquette when invited to a wedding is to comply with what is said and asked for by the Bride and Groom.
It is their day arranged how they wish in a way that suits them and their means.
All everyone has to do is have the good grace to turn up when and where requested .
Don't start analysing the guest list regarding who is invited to what, that is very churlish and will only result in misunderstanding as in this situation.
The bride and groom have enough to think of without the drama of no shows and refusals, let them have this one day how they would like it.