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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Partner of 8 years being invited to family wedding without me...

308 replies

BettyR03 · 08/02/2019 22:19

My partner and I received a save the date about a year ago, for their cousins wedding, whom we both have a good relationship with, it’s not a close one, but when we do see each other we all get along really well. Well the invitation for said wedding have just arrived... but only for my partner to attend during the day, and for me to join in the evening... the location is a good couple of hours away so it will mean travelling and turning up by myself. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset to not be invited? We’re not married but have been together for 8 years and have kids together. My partner can’t see why I’m upset/annoyed by this, and just keeps calling me immature and self centred for being a bit irked by it.
Any advice would be great. Thanks x

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/02/2019 06:06

Your partner doesn't see you as a team and he cares more about his family than you. He sounds like a knob

habibihabibi · 09/02/2019 06:23

OP Do you think of you were married you would be invited ?
Some people are funny about unmarried couples when it comes to weddings.

Mamimawr · 09/02/2019 06:32

So why is your SIL's partner invited? Are they married? I wouldn't be going and I would expect my DH to decline too.

ittakes2 · 09/02/2019 06:34

While I do think its odd - maybe they have genuine space issues - and they are choosing between having all their cousins there or half their cousins and their partners. I would find out if others have also been treated in this way - if you are the only one then that's pretty terrible. Also - if this was a genuine issue - as bride or groom I would ring the person and explain why this has come about and offer to make it up to them - just sending a note is pretty bad and lazy.

LuYu · 09/02/2019 06:35

A similar thing happened at a friend's wedding, except it was more widespread and so generally rude rather than specifically, personally insulting. Friends/family were invited to service and lavish wedding breakfast, but partners and spouses were only invited to the evening reception. There weren't restricted numbers in the wedding venue; the couple just wanted to put on a more impressive spread for a smaller amount of people. Location involved travel and an overnight stay for everyone.

It was a complete shitshow! So many people were annoyed. Two-tier system wasn't mentioned on save-the-dates and only came to light with formal invitations, where the bride even included a list of local pubs where spouses/partners could while away the six hours until they were allowed to come to the evening reception. One poor sod was supposed to be flying in from Singapore to attend with his wife (he cancelled). It's mad to plan an event to celebrate your relationship then act like everyone else's partners are irrelevant.

So YADNBU. Tell your partner 1) it's rude to split up couples, 2) it's very hurtful to do so in a way which feels personal or in some way as a judgement on your relationship status, and 3) that being in a long-established relationship means you stick up for each other.

Dimsumlosesum · 09/02/2019 06:37

Your partner sounds like an immature twat.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2019 06:39

This really is a situation, where show your dp the thread would be a good plan. You stood up for your dp with your brothers wedding yet he’s not prepared to do the same.

You’ve been together longer than the couple and and together longer than his sister and her partner, husband perhaps(?), whom has been invited for the day.

This is your one and only serious relationship and it’s one set to last. You’re a team. Time for him to start acting like one.

In your place I’d be very hurt. I know your partner is still quite young and sometimes it’s harder to stick up for yourself to parents and older relatives when you’re in your 20’s. However it really is time to start adulting and part of adulting is advocating for your life partner.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2019 06:41

Touchmybum
Your sil sounds like a peach. Maybe we could do a swap. I’m nc with mine. Grin

ittakes2 · 09/02/2019 06:50

Can I just add - sometimes as well I do think in England there is more emphasis on partners being invited then there are in some other cultures. To be honest, if I rarely saw my husband's cousin and they said there were space restrictions - it actually wouldn't bother me that I was only invited to the reception - I do love a good wedding so I would be disappointed - but I would not be offended and I would start planning my hotel spa day! However, my husband (who is English - I am not) would be mortified if his cousin had only invited him and not me and would want to boycott the wedding. I have been with my husband for 20 years - there have been a few occasions where he has explained to me that its expected we invite both the husband and wife or it is offensive. For example, we were going to the theatre and I spontaneously bought his mum a ticket incase she wanted to go with us - I knew his dad didn't like the theatre and was also working - but my husband said its rude not to invite the husband and wife to everything together regardless so I should have bought two tickets.

BertrandRussell · 09/02/2019 06:56

So there are people on here who think it’s OK to exclude a partner of 8 years simply because the are not married? Seriously????

CuriousMama · 09/02/2019 07:00

Have you decided what to do yet? Also what is dp like generally as he's sounding awful by your posts?

swingofthings · 09/02/2019 07:00

Either they are in the belief that you are nto fully part of the family without a wedding ring on or they just don't like you. You say there have been issues with his family and he just agrees with you for peace and quiet. Maybe this time he isn't.

If it upsets you that his family is making their feelings know this way, then it might be time (after the wedding) to clear the air. What are the disagreement you have about his family?

Springwalk · 09/02/2019 07:09

Show your dp the thread.
It is rude. End of.
The message is that they don’t really consider you as ‘family’
If he thinks his family’s misguided idea of wedding etiquette is more important than your feelings of being hurt and rejected, he is making a grave mistake.

Op he should be putting you first, understanding that this is by most peoples standards rude, and he should as a matter of principle and loyalty decline his invitation.

There is no way I would consider going to the evening reception, it will be so awkward and uncomfortable.

I would be distancing myself from a ‘family’ like this.

AnotherEmma · 09/02/2019 07:15

"My partner can’t see why I’m upset/annoyed by this, and just keeps calling me immature and self centred for being a bit irked by it."

"To which my partner was very unsupportive and mean, cue calling me selfish and immature as I’m trying to cause a scene by not attending at all."

The wedding is the least of your worries. Your partner is an arsehole.

Is he nasty about other things too or "just" about family stuff? And are there other things that have one rule for you and another rule for him?

habibihabibi · 09/02/2019 07:21

BertrandRussell
Yes, I've a family member who works as an exclusive wedding planner and it's really common especially if elders are paying ; girlfriends, boyfriends don't attend.
I know OP has been around a while and has kids etc but she's seen it over and over.

Galaxyfarfaraway · 09/02/2019 07:24

Your partner is being a pig in his resons to you. Please don't let him treat you this way if he then is mean to your family but won't tolerate anything negative about his.
But maybe it is a numbers thing, and a cost thing. Plus maybe they don't think marriage is important to you if you are not married after 8 years and kids.
Sorry you are upset though.

SaturdayNext · 09/02/2019 07:24

I take it you've pointed out the similarity with the scenario with your brother and the fact that he was hurt about that? Why does he think you're not entitled to feel the same?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 09/02/2019 07:31

This whole “he insists I come” thing is nonsense.

Completely agree that you decline, letting him go alone and sort gift.

Ps. He sounds like a real delight... Hmm

LagunaBubbles · 09/02/2019 07:32

It's mad to plan an event to celebrate your relationship then act like everyone else's partners are irrelevant

This sums it up. The type of people that do this kind of thing are self centred and would be the first to kick up a stink if it happened to them in the future.

JenniferJareau · 09/02/2019 07:40

So there are people on here who think it’s OK to exclude a partner of 8 years simply because the are not married? Seriously????*

I've come across this attitude a number of times. Not married after a number of years together = not a serious relationship.

@macmacaroon Did you continue to be friends with any of them?

Silkie2 · 09/02/2019 07:45

Some families think they are somehow special, more supportive, or higher standards or more intelligent etc I think the no ring business puts you at a rung below them and their 'important and devoted' wedding vows to each other, hence your treatment. DP totally buys into this special family view hence cant see why you won't go along ( you're so honoured to be part of this group) and after a lifetime won't change his view easily. I wouldn't go personally as evenings are often noisy music and late night but it's up to you.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/02/2019 07:47

In a few situations l have seen all work colleagues invited withhout partners. All are told personally beforehand and are happy as have a good laugh all together for the day. Dps know no one and are glad to be left at home.
But thos is different. Its family. Ye all know each other. Its very insulting.
DO NOT GO. Just keep saying one sentence: no l wouldn't be comfortable with that.
If your dp reads these replies l hope he sees more why you are upset and not to get that makes him a very unsupportive partner.

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 07:50

In this case though, the bride and groom are not applying the 'not married' rule because the DP's sister is not married to her partner.

FinallyHere · 09/02/2019 07:56

keeps calling me immature and self centred

Regardless of the situation, what is the point of a partner who thinks that you are immature and self centred, and tells you about it? How is he otherwise when you disagree?

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/02/2019 07:59

So you, OP, are only invited to the evening but your partner is invited to the whole wedding? Is this a 'thing' now? I cant imagine doing that to someone! I wouldnt go and I would expect my partner not to go. You either get invited as the couple you are or not at all. Jeezo, some people!