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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Partner of 8 years being invited to family wedding without me...

308 replies

BettyR03 · 08/02/2019 22:19

My partner and I received a save the date about a year ago, for their cousins wedding, whom we both have a good relationship with, it’s not a close one, but when we do see each other we all get along really well. Well the invitation for said wedding have just arrived... but only for my partner to attend during the day, and for me to join in the evening... the location is a good couple of hours away so it will mean travelling and turning up by myself. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset to not be invited? We’re not married but have been together for 8 years and have kids together. My partner can’t see why I’m upset/annoyed by this, and just keeps calling me immature and self centred for being a bit irked by it.
Any advice would be great. Thanks x

OP posts:

PinkiOcelot · 09/02/2019 00:08

Well he can insist all he likes! Tell him to fuck off.
So his sister’s partner is going?!
I would tell him yes, you were making excuses about childcare but really you’re just not going because you just don’t want to!!
Remind him of last years scenario and ask what the difference is!!

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 09/02/2019 00:13

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 00:14

Is his sister's partner invited to the day? Or evening only?

Eattothebeat · 09/02/2019 00:21

Yes tell him to fuck off and if he reads these comments he will hopefully realise what an utter arse he is being. His loyalty should be with you as his partner and mother of his children. If I was invited to a wedding but my husband wasn't then I'd decline the invitation.

julensaor · 09/02/2019 00:22

Sister's partner is invited? Everything @PinkiOcelot said. He needs to back you here. A compromise would be you both just go to the evening do together, otherwise plan a night out for yourself that night, who is going to mind the kids?? hmmm, ; he sounds like he is calling the shots and it is quite disrespectful.

SandyY2K · 09/02/2019 00:26

He can insist, but he can't make you go.

Why is his sister's partner invited?

I would simply say.."yes I'm offended I'm not invited to the day time as your DP of 8 years and I'm not going" End of story.

BubblesBuddy · 09/02/2019 00:39

Your partner is playing tit for tat! He wasn’t originally invited to your brother’s wedding and that was the initial snub! He obviously wasn’t pleased and if you only invite 30, your sister’s DP should be one of the 30.

Now you are excluded from this wedding. It’s utterly childish. Couples are invited together. They should not be separated. Your Partner obviously doesn’t care and neither families seem to have manners. Who on earth has to negotiate to go to their brother in law’s wedding? Your partner should never have been in that position. You are now in the middle of the latest bout of bad manners!

If you cannot negotiate your way into the whole do, and with 100 going they seriously don’t like you, then stay away from the whole lot. DP is obviously not bothered whether you are there or not! So how much does he love you?

snitzelvoncrumb · 09/02/2019 00:56

Could it be that he doesn't want to go on his own, and is trying to guilt you into doing what he wants? I would just not mention it again, and just not go.

elliejjtiny · 09/02/2019 01:00

I was invited to a relative's wedding when my dh and dc weren't. We'd been together about 15 years at the time and married for 12. I politely declined.

CountFosco · 09/02/2019 01:00

It'll be the hideous 'no ring no bring' rule which might have worked 50 years ago as a way of separating serious from non-serious couples but now is bullshit. Unless of course his sister's partner is invited for the whole thing in which case it is a snub and so should be treated accordingly, i.e. neither of you go.

pallisers · 09/02/2019 01:08

His sister's partner is invited to the whole day!!!!

Tell him you are happy to mind the children so he can go to this wedding from which you were excluded. But if he desperately wants you to go to the evening bit, then he needs to sort out child care for the entire day as you will obviously travel up with him and then go and have a tour of the local castle/yoga class/visit to local tourist attraction/ mani-pedi while the wedding and reception bit is going on. Actually tell him you are looking forward to treating yourself to this lovely indulgent time on your own - so you might be a bit late to the evening thing but it is lovely that he wants you to have a nice time.

And then tell your family that they are not available for babysitting that weekend - all have plans.

Original poster

BettyR03 · 09/02/2019 01:17

He originally wasn’t going to my brothers as both sides of the bridal party has separated parents, and a whole heap of siblings, so with just parents 8 places were taken, and with siblings that took up 10 and then grandparents were another 8, which left 4 spaces for their best friends, so not being invited originally to my brothers was purely a very strict numbers issue, however they opted to pay extra for additional guests to be invited to avoid this current scenario, as I along with others declined to go if their partners were unable to come.
PIL, partner, SIL and her P are all going together in the day (I’ll point out, myself and partner have been together 8 years, the bridal party 3 years, and SIL and P, 2 years, so I don’t think it’s a they’ve been together longer issue).
CountFosco, I think you’re theory of no ring no bring, could be the missing piece in the puzzle, as partners extended family were very shocked when we had our first child and showed no interest to get married anytime soon. Very dated mindsets unfortunate 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

lyralalala · 09/02/2019 01:24

I was about to say that it depends on family size - on DH's sides it's accepted that cousins are invited to things, but not their partners or children because there's fucking hundreds of them!

However, if your SIL's partner is invited all day then that suggested that you quite pointedly are not invited and I'd want to know why.

Emma090 · 09/02/2019 01:45

Recently got married. The thought of splitting couples would never even have entered my head. You either invite both together or not at all. This is truly bizarre and very unreasonable.

littledinosaurs · 09/02/2019 01:47

OK no, SIL's P is invited to the whole day! No way I would be going. Not a chance in hell.

Jon65 · 09/02/2019 01:53

I think i might be washing my hair that day

pineapplebryanbrown · 09/02/2019 01:57

Is SILs P going for the whole day or just travelling up then amusing himself till evening do? Is SIL married or partnered?

LunafortJest · 09/02/2019 02:20

It is obvious he does not see you two as a family unit. He has shown he will always put you last when it comes to his family. There is a lot to be said for marriage, it really binds the couple together legally and formally. 8 years, kids and not married (not saying it's a bad thing, I'm not, just that it plays a part in his subconscious) says that he is not committed to you and the actions, the practice of that is thinking it is totally ok for you to be considered a second class guest.

That it never enters his mind that a couple is a couple and shouldn't be split up in terms of morning vs evening shows just how he views your relationship. To you, you are a committed couple, a family. A unit. To him, you are a live-in girlfriend who he just happened to have a couple of kids with. It is clear that in his mind, you are both not married hence not a 'real' couple. I'm sorry but he does not view you as an equal partner, as his 'other half', you are purely his girlfriend that he lives with. The wedding invite is insulting, but your 'partner's' opinion is far more insulting. You are not worth anything to him, he would never fight for you, he doesn't see you as a family unit. Either show him this thread, or leave him now (and I never say that lightly). Because there is no future with someone who does not see you as a family unit. There will be another occasion like this, maybe not the same, but another. And another. And he will never fight for you or what you have together, and why should he? He is not committed to you, you are just a live-in girlfriend to him. You mean nothing, I am sorry to say. So you either have some self-respect and leave because you are basically single anyway, or you stay and be considered not worth fighting for, not his other half, as not worth marrying and not his partner.

Decormad38 · 09/02/2019 02:24

Time to evaluate your relationship. He sounds mean.

KC225 · 09/02/2019 04:09

Do you get on with your MIL? Can you ask her if she knows you have been excluded, especially if SIL's partner is invited and you have been together longer than the bridal party.

I think what would hurt me more is your DH's attitude. Last year you stood up for him and fought for a place at your brother's wedding table but he is not doing the same for you and to make matters worse he his belittling your reaction.

Show him the thread.

kateandme · 09/02/2019 04:13

this is awful.a couple is a couple some never marry but are together forever!
I cant believe he doesn't see an issue with this.
don't go.

notanythingnewuser · 09/02/2019 04:36

I think id be extremely pissed if his sisters DP was invited and I wasn't, Wtf is that all about? Id also tell my DP to get stuffed, because the names in the title hun DEAR PARTNER, and if he's not going to act like a partnership then feck of 😂

ThankYouDebbie · 09/02/2019 05:39

This happened to us and another couple at the wedding of a friend a few years back. Both been together 5+ years, other couple even in a civil partnership but only the direct friends got asked to the whole event, partners, although known well to the bride by that stage, were evening only. And it was miles and miles away so we all had to travel together anyway

It still annoys me now tbh and it gave a pretty clear message as to how far down we came in the pecking order. Plus, if one of a couple's been there all day and the other turns up much later, you'll likely be in very different 'places' eg emotionally, energy levels, booze levels etc. Crap to be the on who turns up and has to hear about things second-hand. It doesn't really work and I wish we'd either made more of a fuss or turned the evening invites down.

Weddingone · 09/02/2019 06:02

This has really confused me. I didn’t think it was that uncommon for only 1 person to be invited if numbers are tight.

We’re in a similar situation - been together over 10 years (I think longer than the bride & groom if that makes any difference), have kids, and only DP has been invited to the wedding. It’s abroad and the place is tiny apparently. I don’t mind too much and am more slightly annoyed that I’m left for at least 2 nights with our young children more than the fact that I wasn’t invited. Should I be? We know them pretty well but DP and the groom are old schoool friends so that’s why he’s obviously chosen and not me.

Weddingone · 09/02/2019 06:03

Is the issue that OP is only invited to the evening bit?

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