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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Partner of 8 years being invited to family wedding without me...

308 replies

BettyR03 · 08/02/2019 22:19

My partner and I received a save the date about a year ago, for their cousins wedding, whom we both have a good relationship with, it’s not a close one, but when we do see each other we all get along really well. Well the invitation for said wedding have just arrived... but only for my partner to attend during the day, and for me to join in the evening... the location is a good couple of hours away so it will mean travelling and turning up by myself. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset to not be invited? We’re not married but have been together for 8 years and have kids together. My partner can’t see why I’m upset/annoyed by this, and just keeps calling me immature and self centred for being a bit irked by it.
Any advice would be great. Thanks x

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 08/02/2019 23:04

Don’t go, remind him of some of the things he’s said about your family and tell him to pull his head in and act like your husband.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 08/02/2019 23:04

YANBU

It’s rude to only invite your DP to the wedding. Would your DP mind if he wasn’t invited to a wedding in your family? Tell him you aren’t going and it’s up to him whether he chooses to ignore the snub towards you.

Make sure that you arrange to do something nice on that day with your DCs. Could you meet up with any of the other partners and DCs who also haven’t been invited? You should have your own little party for all the b list!

Iloveacurry · 08/02/2019 23:06

So the kids are not invited, it’s a couple of hours away, he’s invited to the day and you’re only invited to the evening?!

Fuck that.

SusieQ5604 · 08/02/2019 23:06

He sounds like a complete asshole. Let him attend festivities and obtain present and you stay home and do something fun with kids.

supersop60 · 08/02/2019 23:07

Would they have done the same if you'd been married?
very odd behaviour.
More worrying, as PP have said, is your DP's attitude to you. Send him by himself.

Touchmybum · 08/02/2019 23:09

Oh god I totally know where you are coming from here!!!

In my case, it was my SIL who invited DH, her brother, to her wedding without me. We'd been married for 23 years, with 3 kids, her only blood relatives. The kids and I were invited to the evening do. DH couldn't see the issue either. I didn't care a lot but I thought it was incredibly rude. It was a small enough wedding (family illness etc) but one more person wouldn't have made a huge difference (a cousin and her DH were included). Plus SIL had demanded to be my bridesmaid when we got married. There was no bad blood either, so far as I am aware.

It's crazy really how some people's minds work. I've just kept a low profile ever since. I know where I stand now...

Original poster
BettyR03 · 08/02/2019 23:11

Funnily enough, this situation was reversed last year, but the wedding was for MY BROTHER, who for money reasons could only afford a small ceremony of 30 guests, whom asked me whether I’d be offended if my partner wasn’t invited to the ceremony, to which I replied if they weren’t going I wasn’t going to go either, as they’re very good friends, and if I were to get married and didn’t invite his wife to our ceremony he’d be very upset to which he agreed, all ended happily and everyone was invited.
When my partner found out about this he was very hurt, as he’s good friends with my brother. Which is why I’m so confused and upset about why he cannot fathom why I’m irked by this very similar scenario, but rather when it was him I was by his side, but he can’t seem to master the courage to do the same for me 🤷🏻‍♀️😩

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 08/02/2019 23:12

I think you need to stop calling him 'partner' until he behaves like one. He sounds like a man with double standards and he lacks respect for you. You don't need to keep discussing this with him as you are giving him every opportunity to let you know your place. Decline the invite by email and then tell him of your decision. Show him how to respect you.

Blackbear10 · 08/02/2019 23:15

It always astonishes me what some people are happy to put up with in a relationship.

It just seems terribly sad to potentially spend the rest of your life with a man who clearly has so little respect for you. Do you believe a loving respectful partner would behave in the way yours has?

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 08/02/2019 23:16

We had a similar situation a few years ago, although it wasn’t family. It also involved a four hour train journey, which would have been ridiculousn for an evening do. DP was really pissed off and declined, and we spent the money we would have spent on travel and accommodation on a weekend away for us. (We did buy a very decent present though at DP’s insistence - he is a better person than me!)

Crossfitgirl · 08/02/2019 23:19

If they've explained its due to numbers then why bother getting upset? Some friends of ours had a small wedding and the venue was limited to 40 guests so they just had close friends and family. my DH went and I wasnt invited, (the couple was his friend and wife) so even though we've been together years I could see why they couldn't have everyone and their partner there.
Also if you have a package of so many guests and that is your budget, then that's the budget - maybe they have closer friends who they would rather have there?

Or maybe its one of those situations where if they invite you, they'd also have to invite another 10 people for the same reason that they possibly can't afford? How can you know what their budget is? Do you know what they earn and what the wedding cost? Of course not.

I can see why it'd be upsetting and I'd probably feel snubbed too, but I also think it's probably not personal at all and you shouldn't waste your time worrying about it.

If they've even made the effort to give you the reason and made it clear they'd still hope you can come, it's up to you if you believe them or not.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 08/02/2019 23:26

Just briefly explained thread to my DH and his response was “obviously your DPs not going!”
Don’t go. If your DP wants to go he can sort the present, hotel and transport himself. And presumably have all the other guests assume he’s Billy No Mates.

Urgh2019 · 08/02/2019 23:31

Crossfitgirl I think at an event that celebrates couples, you usually invite couples...

blackteasplease · 08/02/2019 23:32

No prizes for guessing why he's keen that you still go to the evening do... 🚗

happinessischocolate · 08/02/2019 23:40

Totally agree blackteaplease

I'd politely decline saying it's too far just for the evening and leave your "D"P to get there and back and buy a pressie for the couple himself.

I might even get a babysitter and go for a girls night out whilst I'm at it

GetOffTheTableMabel · 08/02/2019 23:41

I cannot understand how anyone could issue invitations like this. It is appallingly bad manners. If your DP can’t see that this is just the most abysmally rude, crass, tacky, graceless way to behave then he’s got no manners either.
He is also disloyal and doesn’t prioritise your relationship.

julensaor · 08/02/2019 23:42

Are you a same sex couple OP?

Holidayshopping · 08/02/2019 23:45

When my partner found out about this he was very hurt

Why is he being such an arse about this then?!

You don’t have a wedding problem you have a partner one.

julensaor · 08/02/2019 23:47

@Crossfitgirl If they've explained its due to numbers then why bother getting upset?

You are right if it is a wedding of about 20-30 guests. If it is a larger wedding 120-150 guests; then it is not acceptable at all. For that type of wedding every guest should get a plus one and should be factored into cost at the start. It is the height of ignorance to exclude one member of a long established couple. How large is the wedding OP?

SandyY2K · 08/02/2019 23:50

Have you not reminded him of the situation with your brother?

I agree his attitude is worse than not being invited. I wouldn't go if I was you. They obviously don't care for your presence.

They can get stuffed. The lot of them.

Original poster
BettyR03 · 09/02/2019 00:01

No opposite sex, we’ve been together since we were 17, but met when we were younger as our parents were friends back when they were younger (typical “young-love” rom-com haha).
It’s a large wedding 100 or so at the ceremony, with the “b list” (as another poster labelled it, (😂that made me laugh)) expected to come in the evening.
They are expecting guests to either stay overnight at surrounding hotels, as it is not near their usual location either.
I’ve mentioned to partner about not attending due to child care, to which he’s replied i am making excuses (I mean I am, as I don’t want to come enjoy someone’s day as an after though)(call it childish, but I’m feeling hurt).
His parents are going to be in attendance, as will his sister and her partner, whom are all travelling up together, but he is still insistent that I travel to come to the evening do.

OP posts:
MyFavouritePlace · 09/02/2019 00:02

Yes that's shite and he really should be with you on this one. I do think it's odd that he wasn't an automatic invite to your own brother's wedding. Are you somehow not viewed as a couple by either side?

RomanyQueen1 · 09/02/2019 00:03

You have a dh problem, is he nice at all?

Holidayshopping · 09/02/2019 00:06

His parents are going to be in attendance, as will his sister and her partner

Is his sister’s partner invited to the whole day?

SusieOwl4 · 09/02/2019 00:06

Can’t you travel together and you have a lovely child free spa afternoon and join them later ? Only if you think it’s genuine about numbers though .