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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Partner of 8 years being invited to family wedding without me...

308 replies

BettyR03 · 08/02/2019 22:19

My partner and I received a save the date about a year ago, for their cousins wedding, whom we both have a good relationship with, it’s not a close one, but when we do see each other we all get along really well. Well the invitation for said wedding have just arrived... but only for my partner to attend during the day, and for me to join in the evening... the location is a good couple of hours away so it will mean travelling and turning up by myself. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset to not be invited? We’re not married but have been together for 8 years and have kids together. My partner can’t see why I’m upset/annoyed by this, and just keeps calling me immature and self centred for being a bit irked by it.
Any advice would be great. Thanks x

OP posts:
bellasb · 09/02/2019 08:00

I'd not go to the evening and I'd point out how things were different with your brothers wedding (ie you refused to go along with it) and then I'd just refuse to talk about it anymore. If he's bothered about you being there he will stand up for you, if not he won't.

whiteroseredrose · 09/02/2019 08:24

I think the problem is with your partner. You're clearly not family to him. And his actual family come first.

I really don't get why your SIL's partner is invited all day and you're not. Can your 'D' P not see that there is something off there?

Plus agree name calling would lead to the boot from me unless he's 7 and still in primary school.

trevthecat · 09/02/2019 08:31

Similar situation here. My cousin is getting married this summer. I'm invited to the ceremony but my partner and kids are not. They are invited to the reception though. The reason for this is big family, small registry office! We're all fine with it. We are traveling for the wedding, around 3 hour drive. I know the town well so will point my partner in the direction of a pub whilst he waits!

BarbedBloom · 09/02/2019 08:34

I don’t think you are being unreasonable either. If my partner of 8 years wasn’t invited then I wouldn’t go either and it would be the same reversed

AlwaysCheddar · 09/02/2019 08:38

Yanbu. It’s rude to ask you to go to the being only. Has his sisters partner been invited to the day? If so, that makes your situation worse. Your dh is a twat in his views on this.

BlueSuffragette · 09/02/2019 08:39

Dont go.

whiteroseredrose · 09/02/2019 08:40

Not quite the same trevthecat. Your partner and DCs are going to the reception and are travelling together. The OP is invited to evening only and is expected to travel alone.

GoFiguire · 09/02/2019 08:50

Tell him you will go to the evening so but he has to sort out and pay for the babysitter and the gift.

And then announce at the last minute that you’re going to a spa that weekend when it’s too late for him to make alternative arrangements. Well, he did say he was happy to go to the wedding alone...

MrsJane · 09/02/2019 08:54

Given the size of the wedding, the fact that your sil's partner is going and the location, I would not even consider going to the evening. I wouldn't even bother replying. Let him deal with it.

I'm shocked at your dp's response. I'd be focusing on that rather than this wedding though. He's really not on your side, is he... his reaction would make me seriously reevaluate the whole relationship.

Time to to fight your corner OP and demand some respect. Your feelings matter too! I'd be raging about this and he should be too?!

macmacaroon · 09/02/2019 09:00

@JenniferJareau absolutely not but it was awkward as we had mutual friends so I just blanked them at social events

C8H10N4O2 · 09/02/2019 09:01

100 guests but not room for a spouse/partner of long standing and with a family?

That is ridiculous and its shockingly bad manners to invite people for the evening only knowing that they have to incure considerable time and cost to attend.

However the real problem is your DP. You don't have a life planned with the ill mannered bride and groom, you presumably do have that in plan with your DP.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/02/2019 09:11

I don’t get this thing with weddings.

If you have 100 people (60 if them being 30 couples) you are inviting to the church then you find a church/building that will house 100 people. You don’t choose a place that holds 70 and tell 30 partners/husbands/wives that they have to hang around and wait till the evening to attend.

SparkiePolastri · 09/02/2019 09:12

The wedding invitation is a complete red herring.

Totally agree with a previous poster - the utter crap some people put up with in the form of their life partner - the person they're supposed to love, and be moved by, the most - is just incredible.

The OP is on here explaining shitty behaviour on his part, after shitty behaviour. And doesn't think for even one minute, 'hang on. Why exactly am I continuing to put up with this??'

Confused
FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones · 09/02/2019 09:13

I usually am not at all offended by not being invited as a couple to things like weddings but this is pushing it a bit. You've been together 8 years and by the sounds of it they know you both well so YANBU.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 09/02/2019 09:15

Agree with the majority of pp. I wouldn't be going - taking it for the insult it clearly is.
The family are "well off" - so, not finances.
It's in a castle - so not lack of space, or "numbers".
Let your partner deal with all aspects - from the R.S.V.P., buying gift, onwards.
Arrange something else for that day. Do something nice with DC - or, arrange childcare, and have a day with friends.
In the evening, when DC are in bed, make sure you have a large glass of wine - which means you won't be fit to drive (taxi home for your partner).

redexpat · 09/02/2019 09:28

I dont mind not being invited if its early days in the relationship, or if we have been excluded due to branch. But after 8 years and 2 kids? They dont see you as family and sadly neither does your dp.

ConfCall · 09/02/2019 09:35

I suspect that they think you're just a live-in girlfriend because you haven't got married after eight years and kids. The sister has only been with her partner for two years and they have no children so she isn't expected to be married to him yet.

I don't agree that this is ok (far from it!) but it's probably what they're thinking, especially if your partner is the one who "doesn't believe in marriage" - he may have given them the impression that it's not a long-haul thing, even if you think it is.

Forget about the wedding. It's probably not your biggest problem. Address the important stuff. Good luck.

BreevandercampLGJ · 09/02/2019 09:41

If he keeps insisting you go to the evening do, then agree, but just as an afterthought how terrible would it be if you came out of the house to find you had a "puncture", you had to call the AA and you were not a priority (sound familiar), you would have to cancel the babysitter or alternatively call your girlfriends and hit the town.

RaffertyFair · 09/02/2019 09:42

ConfCall
I suspect that they think you're just a live-in girlfriend because you haven't got married after eight years and kids. The sister has only been with her partner for two years and they have no children so she isn't expected to be married to him yet.

I don't understand.

Why would the family think OP is just a live in girlfriend despite 8 years and children. But not the sil's relationship of only 2 years ?

Are you saying that the family think OP has an objection to marriage per se and therefore wouldn't be invited to one? If that's the case then surely it applies to her DP as well?

ThanosSavedMe · 09/02/2019 09:43

Have you reminded him how hurt he was when he wasn’t going to be invited to your dh wedding.

I would be upset I. Your shoes but I think I would be more upset with your dp and his reaction.

And no way in hell would I go to the evening do.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 09/02/2019 09:52

Haven't RTFT but last year I was invited to a wedding - without my DH of 10 years.

I didn't go, and told the couple in question that it was deeply insulting both me and my husband to ask me to celebrate their marriage whilst ignoring mine, and if numbers were that tight they shouldn't have invited either of us.

NoParticularPattern · 09/02/2019 10:05

No way would I be going and I’d expect my husband to back me up all the way. If you’d been together five minutes then that’s fair enough, but when you’ve been together the best part of a decade and have kids together that’s just an insult. If numbers were that tight they shouldn’t have invited either of you. That would be slightly more understandable.

JenniferJareau · 09/02/2019 10:09

Why would the family think OP is just a live in girlfriend despite 8 years and children. But not the sil's relationship of only 2 years ?

I've met people who think if you don't get married after a few years together, it is not a serious and committed relationship. In the sil's case they might actually be talking marriage so the partner gets an invite because of that.

@macmacaroon That must have been really awful for you Sad

Aeroflotgirl · 09/02/2019 10:10

It is rude, it is normal to feel how you do. He can go by himself, you can have a nice day and evening to yourself, I would not want the faff.

sheldonstwin · 09/02/2019 10:13

I had this happen to me years ago when I was with a previous partner. I couldn't believe that he would go without me - but he did.

His decision to go to the wedding alone, and to turn nasty towards me when I said I was upset, was definitely a contributory factor when I ended the relationship a year later.

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