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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
Erinaz · 08/02/2019 17:30

Go round there and take them back. If that was me I would give them back even if I thought you gave them to me . But best not to loan expensive stuff that you would want back it may come back in a bad condition.

MonkeysMummy17 · 08/02/2019 17:30

I think it's generally understood that maternity clothes and baby toys are a loan unless specifically stated otherwise... We pass them around our friends as needed, and those of us that are done with things specifically say that we don't want them back.
Seems very wasteful to assume that once given something to someone that you and they know you may well need again you'll never get it back..
Generally speaking things that are given are assumed to be gifted unless stated otherwise, but maternity clothes and baby toys are always something you keep in good condition ready to give them back to whoever lent them you in the first place, or to the next one that needs them with the original owners permission.

Op I'd text again and simply state they were a loan to help your friend, but that you do need them back as you can't afford to buy a new wardrobe whilst your friend makes use of yours.

slcol · 08/02/2019 17:31

Regardless, I think it is really cheeky of her to take this attitude.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 08/02/2019 17:32

A friend would immediately return them if she still had them and you asked for them because you were pregnant again.

runoutofnamechanges · 08/02/2019 17:33

I think it's a bit cheeky. You probably should have made it clear that it was a loan but still... if I were your friend, I would have offered them back anyway when you fell pregnant to return the favour. I certainly wouldn't have quibbled when you asked for them back, even if I thought they were a gift, I would have just assumed I had misunderstood.

lololove · 08/02/2019 17:33

What about if she had spilt something on various items? (fully house trained adult here I propose, but sometimes I just can't find my mouth 😂) or if they'd become damaged or shrunk? Would you expect her to replace like for like new?

RestingBitchFaced · 08/02/2019 17:34

Are you sure she's still got them? Maybe she sold them, hence not offering to give them back

lololove · 08/02/2019 17:34

Promise* not propose ^^

slcol · 08/02/2019 17:35

If they got damaged or whatever that's totally different, people accept that as part and parcel of loans normally.

Lazypuppy · 08/02/2019 17:36

I can't believe you asked for clothes back!!!

swingofthings · 08/02/2019 17:36

You clearly had a different view on whether it was a loan or gift. As there is no right or wrong, the default should be her giving the clothes back even if it anvries her. Is she really going to wear the clothes, possibly in front of you, knowing you had to go and buy more without any guilt? If that's the case, I would definitely ditch her as clearly she doesn't care about your feelings.

Then again, it could have been worse, she could have sold them and make a profit whilst youd have to go and spend money again!

slcol · 08/02/2019 17:38

They're not just clothes, they're maternity clothes given for a short period in one's life

TedAndLola · 08/02/2019 17:38

So according to your version, you letft her to store clothes for you for years and then asked for them back the moment she could actually use them again?

Let her keep them.

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2019 17:38

If you wanted them back, you should've made it absolutely clear at the time of handing them over.

ElevenSmiles · 08/02/2019 17:38

Why didn't you ask for the clothes back after the birth of her first baby.

CheeseCrackersAndWine · 08/02/2019 17:39

It's unfortunate you guys are now pregnant at the same time!

I can totally see your point & if it was her I'd return them.

However, in her position she will now need to go & buy maternity clothes which she may as well had done in the first place!

wireswireswires · 08/02/2019 17:39

Oh I don't know.

I think I'd be more inclined to agree with you.

If I was friend I may feel a bit miffed and annoyed but definitely wouldn't say anything and after time passed probably be like, ok, that's fair enough.

Reastie · 08/02/2019 17:39

Agree it depends it you lent them or gave them. However, even if you gave them to her if it was me and a friend asked for them back as they were also pg I’d totally understand and give them back. Does she still have them? Maybe she got rid of them after she had her DC1 and is worried you’ve asked for them back.

Anothertempusername · 08/02/2019 17:40

You gave them to her. They're hers.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/02/2019 17:40

I agree that maybe you could have made it clearer if it was a loan or a gift. Also I'd have asked for them back after she'd given birth incase she lost or forgot about them etc

However on the other hand if I was her I'd have assumed you may want them back, not many people buy a whole new wardrobe every pregnancy. And while it may be an unexpected expense for her, she still got the benefit of the loan the first time, so you've not cost her more than you would have done if you hadn't lent her them if that makes sense (unless she would have picked up some cheaper stuff in the January sales). It doesn't seem right that you have to pay twice while she wears your clothes and refusing to give them back is a bit rude I think (even if she thinks you're being unreasonable, you were trying to do a nice thing and nobody really seems to be taking this into account)

wireswireswires · 08/02/2019 17:40

Her response is pretty rude actually. Even if I though pure being unreasonable (which I don't) her response would be rude.

burritofan · 08/02/2019 17:40

Surprised at the near-consensus here! Currently got a flat full of other people's maternity gear and assuming it's all on loan… Like a PP I'm a bit stressed at trying to remember what belongs to who so most of it is going unused.

My view is used maternity & baby gear is always a loan unless expressly told "this is my last baby, I don't have anyone else with dibs on this piece after you, feel free to charity/rag/sell when you're done".

loveyouradvice · 08/02/2019 17:41

So agree with NightDreaming and think her wording is perfect....below

I am a bit gobsmacked that anyone who is a good mate and pregnant isn't rushing to give you your clothes back and deeply grateful for using them earlier.... I would be, regardless of what you had said at the time. Who on earth has the money to buy two maternity wardrobes!!

I think a quick message back saying “I’m really glad you got use out of them last time, and having number 3 wasn’t a definite for us, but as I am pregnant I’d like my clothes back. Sorry that it’s bad timing in terms of your number 2. Happy for you to borrow the odd outfit for specific occasions if helpful. Will be round next week to collect”

tibradden · 08/02/2019 17:42

OP Do NOT think you’re unreasonable. Sometimes I find Mumsnet so strange. Of course she should give them back. My friend ‘gave’ me her maternity clothes and then found out that her flu was actually Baby No 4. I gave it all back as she is a friend. And I wanted to remain friends. We had a laugh about it.
Christ some people want a written contract for every exchange.

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 17:45

Hi OP

YANBU!

I totally see where you are coming from- you are pregnant and so need the clothes back!

Isabella Oliver and Seraphine etc is not cheap at all, it's generally lovely and well made clothes.

I'm surprised that she is being so taken aback about being asked to return the clothes!

During my first pregnancy, I was loaned a few maternity pieces from my SIL- once my baby was here, I gave them all back to her, washed etc and in good condition. She then fell pregnant several months with DC2

Also, with baby clothes, toys etc I gave them all back, unless the giver specifically said- keep it, I don't want it back or give it charity when you're done with them.

It depends on whether you did tell her that she could keep them- if so, she would NBU to want to keep them now. If you did not say she could keep them, then she is BU for presuming that she can keep them now!