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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:

DameSylvieKrin · 08/02/2019 16:58

Unless you clearly said it was a loan, it was a gift, sorry. You’ll have to buy new things.

TitusAndromedom · 08/02/2019 16:59

I don’t think it really matters that you didn’t specify it was a loan. Most interactions between friends don’t work that way. If I was your friend I might be disappointed that you’d asked for them back, but I wouldn’t let you know that! It’s awfully cheeky of her to assume that you’d be happy to buy a new maternity wardrobe while she benefits from the clothes you paid for.

Whisky2014 · 08/02/2019 16:59

I would have assumed you'd have given them not expecting them back. She could have done anything with them! But..If I did still have them and received your text I'd have definitely arranged to give you them back. So really I think you're both unreasonable.

Confusedbeetle · 08/02/2019 16:59

I would never lend stuff to people if minded if they werent returned

NightDreaming · 08/02/2019 16:59

I’m actually amazed about the majority of responses. Say OP didn’t plan on having anymore. Therefore at the time she was “giving them away”. Does that mean if she accidentally got pregnant with number 3 she’s not allowed to say “whoops. Turns out I do need my maternity wear again. Please give back”. It’s not like friend had sold on/given away the stuff. She still has them. I think OP is completely allowed to say she’s taking them back.

Heronymous · 08/02/2019 16:59

Totally depends on whether you made it clear you were lending them to her rather than giving them at the time. If they were a gift it’s rude to ask for them back. If they were lent, she’s rude to want to keep them.

Worsethingshappen · 08/02/2019 17:00

If I was your friend I would definitely give them back, and offer before you even asked.

stanski · 08/02/2019 17:00

I think if you didn't specify then they were rightly deemed a gift and it's no surprise she's surprised you're asking for them back

Youknowmedontyou · 08/02/2019 17:00

TBH I don't think it matters if she thought they were given to her. You're both pregnant and therefore why should you buy new stuff. Even if your intention was not to get pregnant again and not need them, you are and you do need them!

redshiv · 08/02/2019 17:00

Can't believe the reactions on here! Of course she should give them back!!!

SleepWarrior · 08/02/2019 17:01

I think if you weren't clear that it was a loan then you'll have to suck it up

That said, if a friend gave me their maternity clothes (or baby clothes) and I then found out they were having another I would offer the things back to them rather than assume I could use them again myself.

Freeeeeburd · 08/02/2019 17:01

I would have expected to give them back but your message was rude

Heronymous · 08/02/2019 17:01

This issue comes up a lot on Mumsnet. People really need to be clear about when they’re lending, rather than giving! It would solve so much confusion and awkwardness.

CherryPavlova · 08/02/2019 17:02

Can’t you avoid losing a friendship by splitting them half and half?

Cookit · 08/02/2019 17:02

Most people seem to think I ought to buy a new maternity wardrobe. I really don’t want to!
I do get this, it’s wasteful. But still, my maternity clothes were vac packed between pregnancies and after this one I’ll put away again until I know if we’re going to go for a 3rd. After which point they’ll be sold on eBay bundles (the nicer stuff - Seraphine etc) or given to charity or clothes recycling.
If I have clothes to a friend I’d consider it akin to eBaying or charity shopping - I’d have made the decision to get rid.

Fabaunt · 08/02/2019 17:02

I think you’re being unreasonable.

My friend has given me clothes and me her. Sometimes she’ll say “do you have that black dress I gave you?” or “why don’t you wear that pink top you gave me?” But if I said to her oh I don’t have that dress anymore I gave it to a charity shop, she would be grand about it.

If she gave me a pile of clothes and then a year or so later asked for them back I’d be very taken aback. They are her clothes now. You gave them to her. Why didn’t you ask for them back when she was no longer pregnant if you wanted them back?

I think you’re being cheeky.

ahaoho · 08/02/2019 17:03

if I was your friend, I’d be feeling under an immense obligation to say something like “do you need any of that pregnancy stuff you gave me back as you’re now pregnant too, lovely good friend?”

^^ this with bells on! Who doesn't do that?!?

It's pretty grabby not to offer them back

crispysausagerolls · 08/02/2019 17:03

If I were your friend I would feel extremely awkward now and need to
return the clothes anyway! I wouldn’t want to wear things you’d paid for and given to me; knowing
You wanted them back.

BedraggledBlitz · 08/02/2019 17:04

Hmm at first I thought "I'd assume you were done having babies if you passed on maternity clothes". But the fact that it was the posh pricey stuff makes me think show should give them back.

My granny always said "Neither a borrower or a lender be." I think she is right, give stuff without expectation, or keep it.

SophiaLovesSummer · 08/02/2019 17:04

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes

In your own words, you gave them to her - not loaned, not time limited, but gave. FWIW I think you made a rookie error in doing that but it is nonetheless what you did. Ergo you gave them to her, they are now hers and ofc she's gonna be using them whilst preggers now. I gave a bundle of maternity clothes to someone after DC1 but it literally wouldn't have occurred to me to demand them back when I found myself expecting DC2.

This is one of those where can see it from both sides and TBH your side is, unfortuantly, the weaker one (irrespective of the 'moral and right thing to do' as let's face it, it's clear she 'knew' they were 'hers' as you gave them to her!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/02/2019 17:04

On whether it was a gift or a loan, it wasn’t really specified, more “ I’m not wearing these at the moment , so here you go”

Most people seem to think I ought to buy a new maternity wardrobe. I really don’t want to!*

You might not want to but you don't have one anymore. You gave them to a friend. Unless you explicitly said they were on a loan basis until you needed them, it's entirely unreasonable to expect them back, especially when you know she is now needing them too.

I don't think you should insist on taking them back. I think you should apologise, say there were crossed wires and try and salvage the friendship, if it was good enough that you gave her a lot of good quality maternity clothes.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/02/2019 17:04

I can understand your friends perspective more than yours. Unless you were clear you wanted them back I would have thought you didn't want them anymore. I also wouldn't have lent/gave them away if I was planning another baby. Whatever happens now will be awkward but I wouldn't ask again.

Emelene · 08/02/2019 17:05

I would have thought they were a gift. I'd be horrified if my friend asked for them back years later! You should have been clear it was a loan, but equally your friend should suck it up and give you whatever she has left back... I think it could damage your friendship though as you will both feel put out!

talktoo · 08/02/2019 17:05

I can see how easily it could have not been clearly specified but either way, OP you were very kind to let her wear them for her first pregnancy so regardless of what she thought, the fact is you planned it as a loan. I would have thought it was obvious that you would want the back for your next pregnancy. Why would you buy more clothes and not her? I would just say to her that if you did not specify enough that it was a loan then you apologise but in any case, you are pleased she got good wear out of them for her last pregnancy and you'd like them back fir your current pregnancy. If she kicks off then you really don't need her as a friend. Take take take and no gratitude.

Foxyscarf · 08/02/2019 17:08

Wonder how you've made it this far in life with this attitude not having caused you more problems.

You gave them to her, buy more clothes and be more clear with people in future.

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