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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
RomanyQueen1 · 08/02/2019 17:10

if you give somebody something, why would you ask for it back? I'd have been surprised too.

Andtheskyisgrey · 08/02/2019 17:12

I would have offered them back to you at the end of the first pregnancy so you had the opportunity to say whether you needed them back. Her response was pretty bloody rude in my opinion. And she made an assumption that you were done after two.

Even if they had been clearly given rather than loaned, on discovering that you were having a third baby, the polite thing to have done would have been to ask if you would like them back.

Original poster
CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 17:12

Like NIGHTDREAMING. ( sorry don’t know how to bold name) I’m amazed by most of the responses, but helpful to get an insight into how she must view it.

And to the poster who mentioned about returning toys, it was things like a jumperoo, rather then small cuddly toys. I’m not going to keep expensive things which my friends have paid for, knowing they’d have to shell out for another.

OP posts:
Fabaunt · 08/02/2019 17:13

You shouldn’t have given away expensive items when you weren’t sure if you had finished your family. Sorry OP. You’re wrong here

Lemoneeza · 08/02/2019 17:15

neither of you is bu, just a miscommunication. short of breaking into her house though, don't think you're getting them back though.

lesson: neither a borrower nor a lender be.

Lookingforadvice123 · 08/02/2019 17:16

Surprised at the responses, YANBU! I think it's polite to check if the person needs them back when you're finished with them. I've got a ton of maternity clothes for DC2 from a friend from a gym class, and SIL. Amongst the ones from SIL are ones I lent her first time round when she had her first DC a few months after I had mine! I knew she would have a second before me so said she could keep them for a while, but I got pretty much all of them back and some new things too.

The workout friend, I'm fairly sure she's done as she now has DC3 and is almost 40, but I will still be 100% checking whether she wants them back once I've had the baby!

outpinked · 08/02/2019 17:16

I wouldn’t personally lend anyone anything I didn’t mind never seeing again. The reason I say this is once it leaves your ownership, you cannot control what happens to it. I don’t lend money to anyone anymore for example after getting burnt in the past.

Sounds as though you didn’t explicitly ‘lend’ them so I can understand why she is miffed tbh. Wouldn’t be so bad if she weren’t also pregnant, she wouldn’t currently need them! But she is so will be wearing them.

Honestly, you probably won’t get the clothes back so it’s either buy new ones or lose the friendship fighting for the clothes off her back Confused.

TokenGinger · 08/02/2019 17:17

I'm with you on this one, OP.

I'm pregnant at the moment and have been so grateful to friends who have kindly given me clothes to use whilst pregnant because they cost a fortune. However, when they pass them to me, I've said thank you so much, I'll return them when I've finished with them. I'd never dream someone would just give me things that are so expensive. Even if they had been given, if that person was then pregnant again, I'd pass them back regardless of if I was. That person has spent a lot of money on those things and shouldn't have to pay out for them because I'm using them.

Mmmhmmm · 08/02/2019 17:17

I would always view maternity clothes "given" to me as a loan unless they explicitly said otherwise. Especially expensive stuff! She should give them bsck.

cstaff · 08/02/2019 17:17

I think it is different with maternity clothes as they are worn for such a short period of time. I would definitely expect them back and would be very put out in your position OP.

I can't believe peoples reactions on here. I know numerous people who had leant and swapped maternity clothes and given them back

crispysausagerolls · 08/02/2019 17:19

Agree maternity clothes are clearly different than normal
Clothes

MatildaTheCat · 08/02/2019 17:20

Was she aware that you were planning another child in the future? That should have framed her attitude to the ‘gift’. If you had said you were finished then she would have believed the clothes really were hers to keep.

If she knew you were planning another that should have led her to think you’d need them back.

What would you have done if she had actually given them to someone else altogether? You need to have a chat and explain that although you can see she might have thought the clothes were hers to keep you do, unfortunately need them back. I’m sure EBay is full of stuff if she’s on a budget?

TeenTimesTwo · 08/02/2019 17:20

If maternity clothes were a loan I'd have expected you to ask for them back within 2 months of her DC1 being born. So assuming she didn't get pregnant again right away and your initial statement of 'gave' then I too think you shouldn't expect them back.

ClarabellaCTL · 08/02/2019 17:20

Hm. If you gave them to her then she's rightly surprised to be asked to return them. If I was her though, I'd have asked if you wanted them back as soon as I found out you were pregnant.

lololove · 08/02/2019 17:21

It sounds like you gave rather than specified that they were a plan from what you've said. I think if you insist in their return you may be down a friend.

StrongTea · 08/02/2019 17:21

She should have offered the clothes back to you after she had her first baby, not held on to them in case she needed them again.

RainbowWaffles · 08/02/2019 17:21

You gave them to her so she is entitled to keep them. If it was a loan, that should have been clear. You can’t give things away and recall them later. But she is being very cheeky, she should have offered to give them back as soon as you told her you were pregnant again and you could have apologetically said yes that really would be great seeing as I now need them again. That would have been that. There is a difference between what is technically right in terms of legal ownership and what common decency and manner dictate. If she hadn’t offered, I don’t think I would have asked for them back though, just quietly seethed. As pp have said, this is exactly why lending is a bad idea. No good deed goes unpunished.

AngelaStorm73 · 08/02/2019 17:22

I would just buy some new bits tbh if it wasn't specified it was a loan not a gift

I'd put it down to experience (and be clearer in future!)

thirdlittlepig · 08/02/2019 17:22

A friend lent/gave us a whole load of toys, clothes, maternity clothes etc when I was pregnant with DC1. It never even occurred to me the status of it needed clarifying - I've kept everything in good condition, fully ready to give it back to them when they have DC2. There is no way I'd keep hold of things I was given f there was a chance my friend would need it herself. Seems like basic common sense.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 08/02/2019 17:24

You gave them to her unless you told her they were a loan. Personally, I can't abide people who do this. Either say it's a loan or give them away. I had people do this with baby clothes. Who loans out fecking baby clothes? They get destroyed. I can't stand people who don't say what they mean and then come back and expect to have had their minds read. It's flakey as AF. I'd give you the clothes back and that'd be the end of the friendship.

thefirst48 · 08/02/2019 17:24

If my friends gave me any clothes or toys for the kids they would never dream of asking for them back and neither would I if I gifted them to somebody else. I think it's pretty cheeky to ask for them back tbh.

flumpybear · 08/02/2019 17:25

You absolutely should have stipulated they were a loan and asked for them back when she'd finished with them - either leave it or potentially lose a friend

Ullupullu · 08/02/2019 17:25

YABU! She is pregnant again. I wouldn't dream of asking someone for second/third hand clothes back. Chalk it up to experience.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/02/2019 17:29

Who calls clothes, pieces? Other than wanky fashion designers? Grin

As everybody else has said - what did you say to your friend when you handed over these clothes? Did you lend them or give them. The difference is enormous.

If you gave them then you'll need to concede so and apologise for asking - definitely don't insist.

Readytogogogo · 08/02/2019 17:30

I would have offered to return them as soon as I found out you were pregnant. I'm surprised that's not the common view!

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