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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDress · 11/02/2019 17:50

I've always wondered why anyone would spend money on maternity clothes from places like Seraphine (sp?!). All seems so unnecessary, when ASOS have much of what you need. I think the people who do it are very much the sort of "I'm the only pregnant woman in the world!" types

A bit like this from someone else a few pages back

I can only conclude that you have some chip on your shoulder and so get annoyed with what other women spend their money when buying maternity clothes

We don't all want to walk around in £5 tops 3 sizes too big, especially when you have to dress smartly & look professional for your job each day- even when in the third trimester!

GreenTulips · 11/02/2019 17:52

once i give clothing i do not want them back after they have been worn by someone else

This attitude always amazes me - so the person you gave them two is wearing your cast offs, yet you wouldn’t wear clothes worn by someone else? Double snobby standards. Nice you look down in others.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/02/2019 17:57

That’s balls @GreenTulips

You might just not want the stuff anymore and would rather it weren’t returned to clutter up your house.

Why assume the poster is an insufferable snob?

swazzle2000 · 11/02/2019 18:12

And this is why I don't borrow off or lend to anyone.

swazzle2000 · 11/02/2019 18:15

And all my maternity stuff was purchased from either Primark or Matalan (who have the most amazing maternity leggings!). By the time I was done with them, everything was well worn out and had holes in so I had to chuck it away anyway. You only get to wear them for a few months! I wish I had the kind of money to waste on expensive maternity clothing. Same with kids clothes. Why shop at Next when you can get triple the amount of stuff from primark? They grow through everything so fast.

OVienna · 11/02/2019 18:15

(I am much further along than her, so should be possible to more or less share if she’s up for that)

This is a very pertinent point, which I would have mentioned in my original What's App. I think she's been cheeky BUT I also think your message was rather forthright, honestly speaking, given that she is also pregnant.

I have been the broker in a lend/give situation at one point, thinking I was helping two friends in need out. Ended catastrophically. Both were cheeky in their own right - who effectively stores a whole load of items for someone else, at no charge, on the understanding that they could be called back at moment's notice, at the convenience of the lender? No one. On the other hand, who takes items which are clearly incredibly expensive without clarifying the giver's intentions or so much as a thank you. Crazy. You need to decide how hard to press this because you're friend may still feel you are grossly in the wrong. My experience is people either see this one way or the other. As this thread shows.

MissBelle83 · 11/02/2019 18:16

You are not being unreasonable! If someone was kind enough to lend/pass on maternity or baby things to me I would anticipate they may need them back one day. I certainly wouldn't be annoyed if they asked for them back!

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/02/2019 18:32

The reverse snobbery on this thread is something else.

Some folk buy clothes from “posh” shops because they want to. They may find the finish, cut, fabric superior OR they might just fucking like ‘em.

Some folk may buy expensive mat wear to carry them through hoped for multiple pregnancies, some may just buy for one.

It’s moot.

Either way there’s been a profound miscommunication here and the OP now finds herself in a daft and awkward stand off with a friend.

Enough with the judgements on spend/brand.

Reallyevilmuffin · 11/02/2019 18:33

If you weren't pregnant then it sounds like you wouldn't have asked for them back. Sounds more like a now regretted gift than a loan to me... Especially with the subsequent posts.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 11/02/2019 18:37

I still think it is incredibly greedy and graceless to refuse to return them, having benefited from them and been asked for them back, on the grounds that they're 'mine now'. I wouldn't push it, but I would be seeing that person very, very differently from then on.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 11/02/2019 18:46

Just to say, I'm totally with you OP and I hope you come to some arrangement with your friend. A lesson learned I suppose

slcol · 11/02/2019 18:48

I'd rather buy a few good quality things than three times the amount from Primark tbh. Kids, maternity, whatever.

sonjadog · 11/02/2019 18:49

Yeah, me too. I don't get this idea that your friendship will be over if you ask for them back. To me the friendship would be over if she refused to give them back. I wouldn't be impressed if I were meeting a friend and she was wearing my clothes for free while I was wearing clothes I had had to buy twice because I hadn't been clear enough that I was lending rather than giving them. Even if that is true, I think a real friend would return them when requested, and someone would didn't is rather greedy and self-centered.

Tiggs335 · 11/02/2019 18:57

Even if they were gifted, most people would offer them back because it's the right thing to do.
YANBU OP

LilQueenie · 11/02/2019 19:49

yabu you gave her the clothing. how long since she has had them? Clothes are clothes. They are to be worn. maternity or otherwise it is the same.

Op I think you can afford new clothes, maybe not the higher end stuff but so long as you can wear something then you are doing alright. If you seriously cannot afford to clothe yourself for this short time why did you plan another child?

SparkiePolastri · 11/02/2019 21:30

and OP was kind enough to share her maternity clothes with her.

But of the two people involved, only the OP understood this crucial point. Grin The OP thought she was sharing her clothes.

The friend thought she was being given the clothes.

Neither party realised that the other had a completely different understanding.

Again. This doesn't negate the fact that the friend should have returned the favour extended to her - and offered them back.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 22:24

I wouldn't push it, but I would be seeing that person very, very differently from then on

You see I'd feel the opposite. I'd feel very differently about the op for asking. Because I can simply not perceive gifting a friend something then asking for it back later. Especially clothes my friend had been wearing for a year.

I would however give them back immediately on asking and I'd keep my thoughts to myself, but I would see the op very differently. Because I could not and would not do it, if I give someone something, not loan, give, I won't then ask for it back,

Nickpan · 11/02/2019 22:56

CakeyCrumbCrumb, I don't actually see a right or a wrong, just some unfortunate misunderstandings, and poor communications. When you handed them over, I imagine you weren't really planning on having DC no. 3, so the entire conversation may well have come across (reading between the lines) as: "here ya go - have that lot", which would have given off tones of "I won't be needing these...ANYMORE". If you didn't tap the side of your nose and add that you may well be needing them back at some point, you screwed up. You got into a state, sent a rotten indignant text, and spoiled the chance of getting your hand-me-downs back. Also, rotten of your friend not to hand them back immediatley with blustering apology, but your text may have scuttled that.
My friends tv broke, and I had one laying idle in the garage, I delivered it, she was grateful. At no point did I say "just for a few weeks until you find a new one", it's hers forever, I now don't get to sell it for £40, who cares.

thinkingaboutthinking19 · 12/02/2019 05:08

OP I hope you get your clothes back!

One of my friends gave me her maternity clothes and said when she gave them to me that she wouldn't be needing them again so they were mine to keep/do what I liked with - what she said.

If she did decide to have a third child I would offer her the clothes back as even though they were 100% a gift I wouldn't want my friend to be out of pocket because of me.

In short I think your friend is being a cf.

mediumbrownmug · 12/02/2019 06:09

Honestly, I'd never just assume that something as expensive as an entire maternity wardrobe was a gift. Even if I thought it was for some reason, if my friend asked for them back for her own pregnancy I'd immediately thank her and send them back, freshly laundered. Because the mistake would be mine for not confirming that the wardrobe didn't need to be returned before I accepted and used such an expensive "gift."

I know a girl who was given quite a few items of very nice, lightly used maternity clothes (as a permanent gift) by another girl in the office whose family was complete. The recipient STILL checked with the giver before altering each individual garment (the giver was much, much taller than her), just to make sure it was ok to make changes. I think this behavior is pretty normal.

Even if OP's friend was privately surprised that the items were a loan, I don't know anyone who would push back like this, tbh.

CanuckBC · 12/02/2019 06:21

This thread was an eye opening read for sure! Some of the comments were over the top...

I agree with philosophy that maternity wear is a loan as it usually goes around the circle of friends/family as people get pregnant and have babies. You keep any special items you buy and want to keep and others gets passed on.

In this case the friend is being cheeky. It’s definitely a miscommunication in how each party sees the maternity wear.

I hope things work out.

Guineapiglet345 · 12/02/2019 06:50

I agree with philosophy that maternity wear is a loan as it usually goes around the circle of friends/family as people get pregnant and have babies. You keep any special items you buy and want to keep and others gets passed on.

I’ve literally never heard of people sharing maternity wear, for one thing all my friends and family are completely different shapes and sizes, but also I can’t imagine wanting to wear clothes that have been worn frequently and stretched out by other people. I still wear my maternity pjs and vests even though I’m not pregnant and having to buy maternity clothes is just accepted as a cost of getting pregnant, the same as having to buy a car seat or a baby monitor.

I actually think the OP is the CF because the friend may not have wanted to accept them as a loan and it isn’t actually a favour to her if she has to go and buy new clothes now anyway, because she hasn’t saved any money and she had to wear 2nd hand clothes.

I don’t understand why the OP says she can’t afford new clothes if she can afford a 3rd child.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2019 06:53

It must be very circle specific. I did the hair elastic in waistband trick with my jeans and work trousers combined with a belly cover and bought tunic tops that still look ok so I had no idea about the unwritten law of maternity wear always being a loan.

proseccoandbooks · 12/02/2019 07:03

Perhaps she thought they were a gift, but now the OP made it clear they weren't, she needs them as she's pregnant again.

I do find it a bit rude that she still has them but wouldn't return them.

Lalotai47 · 12/02/2019 09:22

I think the friend is a CF. In her place, I would absolutely have checked if the owner of the clothes wanted them back and have returned them, washed and ironed, with a gift.

I am wary now of lending things after various bad experiences eg books not returned at all, an expensive item loaded for a few months finally returned after 2 years and repeated requests with missing parts and no thanks, etc etc. I am very careful with anything I borrow. My friend loaned me a carpet cleaner and I returned it promptly with a bottle of wine. It's called not being a dick.