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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
Original poster
CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 17:45

Slcol, exactly, they are maternity clothes so I understood it to be different from normal clothes - they were sitting in a cupboard unworn as I wasn’t pregnant at that moment in time. If a few things were worn out or damaged by her wearing them that would of course be fine, it’s wear and tear.

It honestly didn’t occur to me that you had to specify with maternity clothes that you’d need them back if you got pregnant again!

OP posts:
Cheetahssitonfajitas · 08/02/2019 17:45

Tricky. I think you can't expect them back if you didn't specify it was a loan. But, in your friends shoes - I would see that you had paid out for a wardrobe. You had that for one pregnancy, she had it for one pregnancy at zero cost. It wouldn't be right for you to shell out for a second wardrobe for this pregnancy while she has lovely clothes for 2nd pregnancy again at zero cost. For your kindness, she has a lovely wardrobe for free for 2 pregnancies and you have to pay out twice for the same? I think it's poor form of her to allow that. I would say "Sorry, you're right, I never specified it was a loan but I thought it would be assumed. My bad. But, as I can't afford to shell out on the same wardrobe twice I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me have x and y items back?" Should give her pause perhaps.

baubled · 08/02/2019 17:47

I've always kept the things I would want for next time and given away things that I wouldn't.

If my friend gave me clothes I wouldn't assume they wanted them back unless they said "I've got some maternity clothes if you want them but I might need them again in the future so just chuck them back my way once you're finished!"

PCohle · 08/02/2019 17:47

I think she is being very rude.

If a friend had given me clothes, and I had assumed it was a gift and she had assumed it was a loan and later asked for them back my reaction (even if I was surprised) wouldn't be huffy outrage at her cheek. It would be "oh gosh, I'm so sorry I assumed you weren't looking for them back. I think I might have passed some on / thrown them out. I will round up the ones I still have. I'm so mortified at the miscommunication - totally my fault."

Oysterbabe · 08/02/2019 17:48

This is why I don't accept things off people. I wouldn't expect you to give away things you want back unless expressly stated. Was she supposed to keep them forever just in case?

MumofTinies · 08/02/2019 17:48

YABU I'm afraid, if they were a loan, you should have asked her for them back after she had had her baby. Now she has been storing them, probably got them out and washed them, maybe even started wearing them. Don't give or lend things you want back.

Cheetahssitonfajitas · 08/02/2019 17:50

@oysterbabe no, a normal person would have washed them and then offered them back at the end of her first pregnancy, when she no longer needed them. I've handed over my purchases twice and this is what happened both times. I accepted and they're up the loft just in case...

millymae · 08/02/2019 17:50

I think your friend is the unreasonable one here - that said the clothes you handed over could be on their 4th wear already so may not now be in the same condition they were when you let her have them. You may not want to wear them should you get them back.
In my friendship group it’s just an unspoken rule that maternity and children’s toys etc are lent, not given unless it’s expressly said by the giver that they don’t want them back.

ABigBraclet · 08/02/2019 17:51

Itd just a miscommunication between the two of you, surely?
You say she's a good friend so just talk and clarify it.
Unless of course she has sold them on..

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2019 17:53

YANBU to ask for them back if you didn’t specifically give them to her. Even if you gave them I’d be falling over myself to return them if you pregnant again. Oh well, lesson learned.

AliceRR · 08/02/2019 17:53

Let us know what happens OP

I think you should have made clear if the clothes were a loan as it sounds like you gave them to her but I also understand your point about them being maternity clothes so you / friend would only need them while pregnant. It probably wouldn’t be an issue if you didn’t both need them at the same time.

I think as PP said even if you weren’t clear and she thought you had given them to her, she should acknowledge your generosity and not expect you go out to buy everything again while she gets her maternity wardrobes for free.

Maybe you can agree that you have some items back and she keeps some

Merryoldgoat · 08/02/2019 17:53

You’re wrong but since reading Mumsnet I know know people have weird expectations so I never take anything from anyone and I give everything away being explicit it’s not a loan - it’s theirs to do whatever with.

If you didn’t say you expected them back YAB COMPLETELY U.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/02/2019 17:54

Yanbu bit cheeky of her to think you should buy a new wardrobe aswell as paying for hers

RosieEffect · 08/02/2019 17:55

I disagree with most posters. If my friend lent/gave me free clothes and then wanted them back I'd of course give them back.

I would just text back and say 'I'm sorry there was a misunderstanding. I meant them as a loan and could really use them back now that I'm pregnant again. I don't want to have to buy a second maternity wardrobe as they cost me quite a bit of money the first time around.'

Even if you gave them to her, surely she shouldn't expect you to buy an entire new wardrobe while she benefits from your previous generosity?

I think she's a massive CF!!!

BaeBae · 08/02/2019 17:55

My step-dad always said: ‘never loan what you would not give’ ... precisely because of situations like this, or if item gets damaged, lost or stolen.

CoraPirbright · 08/02/2019 17:55

I think your friend is being downright rude, even if you didnt make it clear and she thought they were a gift. From what you describe handing over, that is easily several hundred quids worth. Who has that kind of money to just throw around? I am astounded at her cheek tbh.

bridgetreilly · 08/02/2019 17:56

If you wanted them back, you needed to (a) make it clear that you were lending them and (b) ask for them back soon after her previous baby was born. To ask now is definitely unreasonable.

MrsFrankieHeck · 08/02/2019 17:56

I actually think it's a bit icky to share clothes, for she definitely keep them? If I were given clothes I'd not wear them.

Maybe she's given them away?

SaturdayNext · 08/02/2019 17:57

I think people are over-fixating on the gift/loan thing. Even if OP gave the clothes to her friend, a good friend would recognise her generosity by giving them back once OP was pregnant again. Plus, in the nature of things, maternity clothes are not clothes you expect to wear on a long term basis.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/02/2019 17:57

You’re wrong but since reading Mumsnet I know know people have weird expectations
Or people just have different opinions to you?

Lala503 · 08/02/2019 17:58

My good friend who already had 2 young DC passed on several bags of maternity clothes when I got pregnant. Some high street, some designer.
She didn't specify but when I'd had my baby I washed them and passed them all back to her. It didn't even occur to me not to!!
When I gave them back she had a bit of a joke about it ie. eek the pressure's on for no.3 then... she may have a third, she may decide to pass them to another friend or cousin.
They're your clothes OP, end of story.

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 17:58

I've now read the first page and I'm surprised that so many posters are saying that YABU!

I mean, seriously she is making big thing about not giving them back to you- if it were me, I would have returned stuff after my baby was born (like I said in my previous post) and not just hung onto them presuming they were mine.

Like others have said, if you told her she could keep them, then you don't really have the proverbial leg to stand on.

But otherwise, I'm amazed at how she's reacted to you asking them back...it seems quite grabby and entitled, especially as they were on loan.

so now, if you don't get them back, you are going to be seeing your friend going around in your maternity dresses/outfits while you have to shell out for a new wardrobe for this pregnancy.

I personally wouldn't have the cheek to insist on keeping them if the giver was asking for them back.

Dresses from Isabella Oliver generally start around £50, they are definitely not the same as your Primark, H&M, New Look etc maternity clothes!

punishmepunisher · 08/02/2019 17:58

Oh dear OP. If you handed them over without specifying that you were only lending them then I don't think you can ask for them back.

TurquoiseDress · 08/02/2019 17:59

Actually, sod that, I'll go as far as to say that your friend is being a cheeky fucker indeed

ABigBraclet · 08/02/2019 17:59

If she doesn't want to give them back then she is really grabby. She was happy to receive them from you, but digging her heels in against handing them back when you now need them.
That's selfish.