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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 11/02/2019 00:10

@Itssosunny are you crazy? It's inappropriate to want use of your own belongings because other people have priority use of them?

SparkiePolastri · 11/02/2019 00:54

It's inappropriate to want use of your own belongings because other people have priority use of them?

Well, it is somewhat inappropriate when those clothes have been seemingly given away, and are now hanging in someone else's wardrobe.

This all hinges on two people have two very different interpretations of what happened to the clothes, and who they now belong to.

This doesn't negate the fact that anyone with an ounce of cop on, would offer them back to the giver, now that she's pregnant.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 08:45

I'm quite surprised at the amount of people who seem to think if you gift someone something, it's still yours and can be claimed back at any time you feel like it.

If you give someone something it is now theirs. End of. And she clearly gave this woman her clothes, years ago. They are no longer hers. They now belong to her friend.

If you loan someone something, then yes, clearly you return it as soon as you're finished with it, but this was clearly not a loan, based on both what was said at the time, and the time scale since they were gifted.

SnuggyBuggy · 11/02/2019 08:50

I wonder what Judge Rinder would make of this

youknowmedontyou · 11/02/2019 09:38

I wonder what Judge Rinder would make of this

Go on OP approach judge Rinder please!

CallMeRachel · 11/02/2019 10:43

Judge Rinder would say she should have put the terms of the loan in writing .

I'm quite surprised at the amount of people who seem to think if you gift someone something, it's still yours and can be claimed back at any time you feel like it.

Except the op has said, multiple times she didn't 'gift' the woman her maternity clothes. She let her use them during her pregnancy AS A LOAN.

Any update @CakeCrumbs88 ?
I hope you have managed to sort out your friends incorrect assumptions and now have your stuff back.

TurquoiseDress · 11/02/2019 11:25

If you give someone something it is now theirs. End of. And she clearly gave this woman her clothes, years ago. They are no longer hers. They now belong to her friend

If you take a few seconds to read the OP you'll realise that her friend was pregnant last year (2018), not years ago

The clothes were not given as a gift- it was because her friend was in a temporary state i.e. pregnant and OP was kind enough to share her maternity clothes with her.

Also, the clothes described were not 5 quid a pop, they were considerably more expensive than that and likely of a pretty decent quality which would allowed them to be re-used (by the OP who is now pregnant with DC3!)

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 12:20

The clothes were not given as a gift

And this is the crux of the disagreement on the thread, I think they were, given the words rhe op used at the time, and even what she said in her op, that she gave her them, she did not loan them.

You think it was a loan. As do some others, and that's why people are disagreeing.

My opinion is as she said to her to have them, she had never said they were a loan, then she has gifted them and they are now the other woman's,

If she had said, here, why don't you borrow these, I'd consider it a loan. She didn't.

SnuggyBuggy · 11/02/2019 12:26

I also don't get the pregnancy is a temporary condition argument. The friend is pregnant again and has a perfectly reasonable need to keep the clothes for now.

TurquoiseDress · 11/02/2019 12:40

But then, OP is pregnant again too and therefore also has a perfectly valid & reasonable need to ask friend to give her clothes back!

To me, the friend would be unreasonable to be thinking- "tough shit, love, they're mine now"

This is the bit I really don't understand about other people's approach and attitude. This thread has left me amazed at how other people view this issue- but it's been a very useful debate to have, thanks OP!

I'd be mortified if I was in the friend's position- instead of making an issue of it I'd get myself out there/online and buy my own maternity clothes for this pregnancy!

And be grateful that a good friend was kind enough to share her clothes with me during my first pregnancy.

Atalune · 11/02/2019 12:50

In principle your right, but if and only if that had been made clear from the start!

Here are some mat clothes, please pass them back when you are done.

Saying nothing it’s a gift. You don’t give gifts back.

turquoise or do you? Grin

frecklemcspeckles · 11/02/2019 12:56

@turquoisedress I couldn't agree more!!!! This is exactly my reaction!!!

Meyouandbabytoo · 11/02/2019 12:57

On whether it was a gift or a loan, it wasn’t really specified, more “ I’m not wearing these at the moment , so here you go”

I think if these were the words used and I was the friend I would give them back. You specified as you werent using then at that point, and you have need to now.

Lndnmummy · 11/02/2019 13:01

I have been in this type of situation a few times. When my neighbour became pregnant and had been made redundant I happily gave her my son’s baby clothes. She gratefully accepted. She then had another pregnancy very quickly and I remember feeling a slight pang that I wouldn’t get my clothes back. But I never asked. 6 years later when I was pregnant with number 2 and she had since long moved away, she drove for 2 hrs to give me her ergo sling and baby bouncer. It was so kind of her. I loaned another neighbour a swaddle wrap thing and a high chair and caught her flogging it on a local forum 4 months later. This really pissed me off

Handprints2018 · 11/02/2019 13:03

I think you should think about mentioning it before. In her eyes the conversation is over as she's told you she needs them and you've not continued to ask for them.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2019 13:10

And who in their right mind would borrow clothes they would wear regularly for at least a year and then have to hand back? No one, as the risk of damage is too high, there is little chance of returning them in the same condition, which would mean replacing, and you'd only consider taking them if you couldn't afford to buy your own in thr first place.

So whatever the op said, she's clear she never stated they were a loan. And as such rhe friends assumption that they were a gift and she was given them is not unreasonable.

Whisky2014 · 11/02/2019 13:11

It's the ops fault because she wasn't clear she expected them back.

TurquoiseDress · 11/02/2019 13:16

Personally, when somebody gives me a gift for my birthday or Christmas I tend to keep it for myself

Or if they give me something and tell me to keep it for all eternity, I don’t expect them to be asking for it back

Grin
Wedgiecar58 · 11/02/2019 13:58

You state yourself in the first sentence of your post you gave them to her.

Who lends clothes past the age of 15?

Unless you stated you wanted them back, she probably assumed you were giving them to her.

Seems a bit weird that you'd lend out your clothes if you were planning on adding to your family.

If I was here I would be miffed as well, I wouldn't refuse to give them back but I would definitely take the piss out of you behind your back - soz!

catkind · 11/02/2019 14:04

It's not a birthday or Christmas gift. It's a way beyond the value of what you would normally give each other gift, given due to friend being able to use it when OP was not. In that circumstance, the done thing is to check with the original giver before passing on or otherwise disposing of. And gift it back if you see the original donor in need of it.

I would say we do tend to gift around maternity and baby things not "loan", because of the expectation that some things will get worn out or lost; would see it as very bad form to sit on a large stash you know a particular person originally purchased and that person could actually be using them though.

The alternative of stashing everything in your attic until you're sure you're not having any more kids seems sadly wasteful.

Myheartbelongsto · 11/02/2019 14:10

I'm cringing for the op.

No way would I ask for them back, you gave them away.

catkind · 11/02/2019 14:24

Tell you what, my guess is friend doesn't realise OP was the original purchaser and thought they were clothes generally doing the rounds. That would make her response make more sense.

NannyRed · 11/02/2019 17:32

so I gave her a load of maternity clothes

theres your answer, you gave her the clothes.

In view of your unsubtle stealth boast of the brand names, just buy new clothes, it’s not like you need to wear your old cast offs.

TurquoiseDress · 11/02/2019 17:46

In view of your unsubtle stealth boast of the brand names, just buy new clothes, it’s not like you need to wear your old cast offs

I wondered when the thread might head in this direction Hmm

parentin · 11/02/2019 17:47

I was not aware people lent maternity clothing with the expectation of getting them back. Personally once i give clothing i do not want them back after they have been worn by someone else. However if you did not make it clear you wanted them back once her pregnancy was over, i can understand her response

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