Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
bringincrazyback · 09/02/2019 19:11

I genuinely don't understand why there is any confusion here. If you told her you were giving her the stuff, you can't expect it back. If you told her you were lending her the stuff, you can. Simple as.

Cornettoninja · 09/02/2019 19:14

I asked to borrow them back as she didn’t need them and was told how much she wanted for them

Shock that’s impressively brazen!

ReanimatedSGB · 09/02/2019 19:17

John LENNON high chair? Does it sing 'I am the Walrus'?

Jiggy16 · 09/02/2019 19:19

Can't believe ur friend didn't offer the clothes back as soon as she found out u were pregnant again, even if it had been just every day stuff like out of new look etc but especially if it was expensive stuff! I don't get this whole 'u must specify it as a loan', with my friends unless I'm told to keep something, I expect to return it - especially with baby related items!

lljkk · 09/02/2019 19:25

Why would you sell something that was given to you for nothing - height of rudeness

Because everything I do is rude according to MN. I am past the point of trying to please you lot. Oh, and it helps me declutter to sell stuff. I also give bags to charity. Who knew that money made the offloading transaction dirty ? (not me).

Did anyone answer my question?
"If the recipient of the items damages or loses them, is she obliged to replace them for the giver?"

If I borrowed your secateurs or ladder & broke or lost them, I'd replace them. Or if I bashed your car, I'd find a way to pay you back for the damage. Right? Not only is OP's scenario a storage of clutter arrangement, it's one that comes with strings attached! Where the recipient takes all the risk, it seems.

chocooverload2010 · 09/02/2019 19:37

I think you are both a bit rude to be honest.

I wouldn't expect the clothes back unless i specifically stated they were on loan, but even then i would rather buy new cheap clothes from primark than wear clothes that had been so well used by both myself and a friend! That in itself sounds a bit vile to me.

If I was your friend, even if the clothes had been gifted i would offer them back to you as soon as I found out you were preggers. I certainally wouldn't refuse your request, but I would be somewhat offended by it.

chocooverload2010 · 09/02/2019 19:45

Oh yeah and in the past on the odd occasion I've borrowed something and broken it I've always replaced it. E.g. borrowing a drill and breaking It, i would buy a new one.

If someone gifts me some used clothes and I ruin them, it's a gift so I'm not bothered and would just bin it. If I was a friend in this situation

and was gifted the clothes id say sorry I would have given you x, y and z but they got too worn so I threw them out. If the clothes were on loan id replace them.

I personally find it distasteful when I see people selling things ive gifted then. Logically speaking i shouldn't because the items don't belong to me anymore but i was a bit offended when I saw my friend flogging a beautiful christening gift i bought her son,on Facebook. Granted a few years had passed but i wasn't chuffed.

Yabbers · 09/02/2019 19:58

I shall be extremely cautious in future

Oh FGS. You don’t have to be “extremely cautious” in future, it really is very simple.

“I have some maternity clothes I can lend you if you like. Just give them back when baby’s here as I may need them myself in future”

No rude, clearly a loan, no ambiguity. Nothing cautious about it,

Twickerhun · 09/02/2019 20:10

I’m amazed she thinks she should keep them - I’d definitely have offered them back to you

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 20:11

Exactly. But I think most people would reject clothes as a loan for an extended period, there is too much risk of damage, and then you need to replace them. It's not like borrowing something for a one off event, or borrowing a bag or a wheel barrow.

Just another reason it's very likely this is exactly what rhe op said in her initial post. She gave these to her friend, she did not loan them. and now simply wants them back.

SD1978 · 09/02/2019 20:18

I'm slightly confused by the give them back- she's pregnant at the moment, and wearing the clothes. OP is now also pregnant, and demanding back the clothes the woman is literally currently wearing, after being given them at least two years ago if not more. I don't see how you can ask for 2, if not three year old clothes back, if it wasn't stipulated a loan initially.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 09/02/2019 20:23

I can't remember which user said they had a maternity bag that made the rounds, (wildbhoysmama?) Anyway, out of interest, let's say you were the last one pregnant and held on to the bag for a year, before falling pregnant again and announcing it to your group. Two months later, another person in your maternity bag circle announces their pregnancy and asks for the bag. Who gets the bag now?
(What if she didn't even ask and just demanded the bag is handed over, as it's her turn?)
I know, it's not the exact scenario as for OP but I'm curious how you would solve this.
Maybe splitting it is the way forward?

TriciaH87 · 09/02/2019 22:18

Personally if they were a loan they should have been returned or requested back after she had her first child. If that was not done and it was not specified at the time then its down to her if she gives them back. When i had my first i bought it all and gave to my cousin after as she was expecting. Shortly after her first was born i was expecting my second and she gave them back with a few extras but i did not ask for them. Had she been expecting at the same time i doubt she would have as they were gifted.

Playmytune · 09/02/2019 22:41

I can see the OPs point, but also the friends point.

Friend was probably going to buy maternity clothes but OP said she could have hers, saving friend some money. Probably not exactly what friend would have chosen to wear but happy to make do. Friend gets pregnant again and has started wearing the maternity clothes she was given.
Friend receives message from OP saying she wants clothes back. Friend now pissed off as if she gives clothes back, she has to go out and buy new clothes to last part of pregnancy, whereas if she knew they were expected to be handed back she would probably have bought her own maternity clothes in first place, to her own taste.

Op was trying to be nice in giving clothes to friend. Now she is unhappy because she has become pregnant again after giving maternity clothes away. I can understand that OP would be unhappy to have to buy clothes again.

Clothes now belong to friend not OP. It is up to friend whether she chooses to GIVE her clothes to OP.
Friend has sent OP a message that she was taken aback as she thought she had been given clothes. She maybe doesn’t have other clothes she can wear at moment!
(Ex)friend may give them back once she thinks about it. However it is up to her, and I don’t see how OP can insist as she very clearly stated in original post that she GAVE them to friend. Either way don’t see how friendship can survive this.

Pretendingtobeapsychokiller · 09/02/2019 23:29

Any good friend would return them.
She sounds like a CF.
She had the benefit of them previously.
I'd directly ask if she expects you to purchase brand new maternity clothes. The response will clarify whether she is a true friend.

Pretendingtobeapsychokiller · 09/02/2019 23:32

I had a similar issue with a Moses basket.
Asked for return, and they said 'but we are pregnant again'.
I stated that I bought it, and they could have it back when new baby had outgrown it.
They weren't happy, but returned it.

Touchmybum · 09/02/2019 23:36

This is why I am so glad I always paddled my own canoe!!!! If I were the 'friend' here, I'd have offered the stuff back. However, I wouldn't crawl up her arse to get the stuff; I would just suck it up and buy some more. If you can't afford to buy new maternity wear, then you probably can't afford a third child. I wouldn't want the clothes back anyway if they were begrudged. Just don't 'lend' anything to anyone again unless you are certain that you never want it back. I think she has a brass neck swanning around in the clothes that you kindly lent her, while knowing you are having to buy more. Says a lot about her, really.

On my 3rd pregnancy, I literally had one pair of black Noppies trousers which I washed and dried overnight, and a few tops; add a jacket if need be but you could probably get away with a pre-pregnancy one anyway, I did. I thoroughly recommend Noppies, they were like a second skin!

TurquoiseDress · 09/02/2019 23:53

If you can't afford to buy new maternity wear, then you probably can't afford a third child

I do not think it's purely a case of "cannot afford new maternity clothes"; it's much more the principle of the whole thing

OP kindly loaned her maternity clothes to a friend who now appears hanging on to them, rather than return them to the owner

She's obviously become pregnant again very quickly, but I don't think OP anticipated that she'd be in a situation where she is pregnant with DC3 and needed to go and buy a new maternity wardrobe

WineIsMyMainVice · 10/02/2019 00:02

There is NO way you should have to go and buy new maternity clothes!

tatertot · 10/02/2019 00:11

Hmm Baffled by the comments about BU. I wouldn't care if a friend said "have these clothes or chuck them" I would still offer them back as soon as I found out she was pregnant again. Reversed, I probably wouldn't have asked for them back but I would think she was a CFer and probably distance myself.

WineAndTiramisu · 10/02/2019 00:18

I can't quite understand someone who, on finding out you were pregnant, didn't give the items back!
Things get passed around our circle, but I certainly wouldn't expect someone who had been kind enough to give me expensive maternity clothes to have to fork out to but themselves another set whilst I swanned around in the "free to me" ones! I'd call her a CF I'm afraid.

BrightYellowHat · 10/02/2019 00:21

If I were your friend, even if I originally thought they were a gift, when you asked for them back I would just have said 'of course!' and presume I was the one who had misunderstood.
She's definitely out of order.

wildbhoysmama · 10/02/2019 01:51

honeybee the bag did the rounds and, mostly, we were all pregnant at different times. There was once when two friends were pregnant at the same time and they did, indeed, share. By this time the bag was pretty substantial ( up to 2 Ikea bags by no so no bother. Also they were quite different in that one tall, one short, one formal work clothes, the other not so it sorted out pretty easily.

Binkybix · 10/02/2019 07:48

I am amazed by the people saying friend should get to keep them. On my group of friends there would be no question - they would have been given back without even having to be asked! If a few had been damaged etc then no drama either.

I think your friend has been a bit of a arsehole for not offering up front, let alone for saying she doesn’t want to give them back!

Tigger001 · 10/02/2019 08:23

I have always been taught never loan anything you can't afford to loose, although in this case your friend had no idea it was a loan.

In my group of friends we would never loan each other maternity clothes or toys, they would be given. If it was a loan the person who borrowed then would surely be worried about damaging them. I would never want to wear my friends clothes for 10 months anyway, I think that's strange to start with.

Would you really want the clothes back after this long? These must be a couple of years old now and after 2 pregnancy you're probably due a new maternity wardrobe anway.

Swipe left for the next trending thread