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Original poster

Asking friend to return maternity clothes

739 replies

CakeCrumbs88 · 08/02/2019 16:36

Last year a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first DC, so I gave her a load of maternity clothes; the good pieces e.g. Isabella Olivier trousers, Seraphine dresses, a lovely woollen maternity coat, rather than my washed out Primark leggings with holes.

I’m now pregnant with DC3, and she with DC2. During one WhatsApp chat I said “let me know when would be good for me to pop in and collect my pregnancy clothes, can’t believe how soon I need them with number three!”

She responded “um, pretty taken aback you’d ask me that. I’m pregnant too and you gave them to me”

I’m stunned. Surely I’m NOT unreasonable??

By way of comparison, a friend of mine gave me load of her baby’s clothes and toys when I had DC1 but when she was pregnant with her DC2 at the same time as me, I arranged to return her belongings, even though of course I could have made use of them. It didn’t occur to me not to!

FWIW, I intend to insist, but would rather get some views first to try to understand where she is coming from.

OP posts:
Original poster
CakeCrumbs88 · 10/02/2019 16:05

In case anyone is interested, I’ve decided not to message my friend as I am due to meet her next week anyway and I think it’d be better to talk face to face. Less chance of messages bring misconstrued, we can see each other’s body language etc.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this subject over the weekend ( I may have too much time on my hands!)

With the exception of birthday/ wedding/housewarming/ thank you type gifts, I can think of two things in my house that friends have given us; one a kids’ cycle harness, the other a powerhose for the patio. In neither case did the friends who gave the items specify that they were a ‘loan’ , but they didn’t need to ( I’d have been a bit embarrassed if they’d felt they had to) To my mind, and DH’s, we’re temporarily using these and will return once DC can cycle/ the patio has been cleaned, or when asked, if sooner (actually the powerhouse has been in the garage since summer as DH’s friend has said he won’t need it til spring and I think he prefers it to clutter up our garage rather then his, but anyway!)

In neither case do I think that because they physically ‘gave’ us these items that we now own them, as if they were a present. We have generous friends, but logically, why would DH’s friend pay for him to own a powerhose ??

It is possible that when we go to hand them over our friends might tell us to keep them, but I would never presume. I guess it’s the inverse of how some posters see things - unless expressly told otherwise, they see anything given to them as their property, whereas I ( and some other posters) see them as items we’ve borrowed that still belong to the person who paid for them, unless expressly told to keep them.

As @Wildbhoysmama ( I think!) said , mumsnet is great for getting different perspectives, so I can better understand where my friend is coming from. So thanks everyone for all the nearly 700 comments!

Slightly amused though that buying a few nice maternity dresses means that I think “I’m the only pregnant women in the world”. If I thought that, I’d have kept my nice clothes to myself Wink

OP posts:
wireswireswires · 10/02/2019 16:11

I don't think I've ever seen such a 50/50 split thread! Really is interesting. Proves there are more cheeky fuckers/people lacking in manners around than I thought!

Mumoflove · 10/02/2019 16:14

You made a mistake asking them back, see when your friend gave you clothes and you returned them of your own intiative that’s one thing, your friend didn’t ask you. All well. But here you gave something then asked to have it back. I would leave it as it is, never mention it again and find yourself some new clothes. This might save your dignity and your friendship.

PCohle · 10/02/2019 16:32

Do people not see the irony in berating the OP for her supposed lack of manners whilst being appallingly rude themselves. "Save her dignity"? Jesus.

MrsFrankieHeck · 10/02/2019 16:33

If you want to stay friends please don't embarrass yourself further by bringing it up again.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2019 16:33

Thr power hose for thr patio I would also assume is a loan, any garden equipment usually is. The kids harness I think it depends on the age of the kids and what was said at thr time,

Your clothes are still very different, and once again, when you give someone clothes, unless for a one off event, ie a party, they would likely be considered a gift, purely because who thr fuck wants wants to wear something repeatedly for months on end then have to give it back. The risk of damage is too high, and who would expect it back.

I think you still think you're right, and you really want the clothes, and that's why you're not texting her, I also have no doubt you gave her them and now just want them back..

OneStepSideways · 10/02/2019 17:16

I think you're wise to have the talk face to face rather than in texts. It seems silly to throw away an old friendship over a bundle of old clothes neither of you will wear again once your babies arrive.

I think you should try to understand your friend's perspective rather than trying to justify your own. You considered it a loan but didn't make it clear. In my social circle nobody loans clothes (although we do pass them on). If I gave my friend a bag of used maternity clothes or baby clothes I'd consider it a gift, for her to use or pass on. It would be very poor form to then demand them back, not to mention embarrassing for her. Clothes are such personal things. I don't think you can compare them to a household item like a gadget or a step ladder!

TurquoiseDress · 10/02/2019 17:30

It is possible that when we go to hand them over our friends might tell us to keep them, but I would never presume. I guess it’s the inverse of how some posters see things - unless expressly told otherwise, they see anything given to them as their property, whereas I ( and some other posters) see them as items we’ve borrowed that still belong to the person who paid for them, unless expressly told to keep them

I think this neatly sums up the two main viewpoints expressed by posters on this thread!

TurquoiseDress · 10/02/2019 17:33

If you want to stay friends please don't embarrass yourself further by bringing it up again

So OP should just keep quiet, not say another word about it, and i guess just get it all out on here or quietly seethe about it to herself??

While her friend wears OP's maternity clothes, while OP has to shell out more money to replace them?

I am glad my friendships are not like this!

Bumblebee27 · 10/02/2019 17:36

Oooh so awkward 🤦🏻‍♀️ I remember one of my friends giving me a load of baby clothes as her ds was a few months older than mine. I assumed she was giving me them but a year or so down the line she asked for them back to try and sell. I was mortified! Had gotten rid of half of them and the rest were wrecked.

If you are lending someone something you really need to specify its a loan not a gift. I personally wouldn't want to loan pregnancy or baby clothes for fear of spoiling them.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2019 17:40

I think this neatly sums up the two main viewpoints expressed by posters on this thread!

It doesn't, nonone things anything handed over is then theirs, for example garden equipment,

Simply most people think maternity clothes, given two or three years ago, and to be worn regularly, and with no mention of it being a loan, by the giver, then its a normal assumption it was a gift.

I mean it's clothes ffs. Given years ago,

Tavannach · 10/02/2019 17:41

If you want to stay friends please don't embarrass yourself further by bringing it up again.

But would you want to stay friends with someone like this? I get that there seems to be some misunderstanding, but there's a real lack of courtesy in expressing surprise that the OP expects her maternity clothes back. Once she's been asked for them back that's it, you just hand them back. No matter if you thought they were a gift or not.

Weetabixandshreddies · 10/02/2019 17:47

I think the difference between the hose and the clothes is that you probably asked to borrow the hose? I doubt the friend just turned up unprompted and handed it to you? If you asked if you could borrow it then yes, it's on loan. If friend turned up a said "have this" then he's given it to you.

Did your friend ask to borrow the clothes or did you just give them to her?

bourbonbiccy · 10/02/2019 18:25

I have to agree with @Bluntness100.
I don't think anyone thinks that anything handed over is theirs ( I think you know this really OP)

As PP have said the hose is completely different it's not clothes that you have worn for 2 pregnancies and your friend has worn through 1 pregnancy - It's completely different.

bobo26 · 10/02/2019 18:42

If I were her I'd be under the assumption you gave them to me to keep. I would be taken aback at you asking for them back if I was already pregnant again and so obviously using them. I'd probably just give them back though.

TurquoiseDress · 10/02/2019 18:48

It doesn't, nonone things anything handed over is then theirs, for example garden equipment,
Simply most people think maternity clothes, given two or three years ago, and to be worn regularly, and with no mention of it being a loan, by the giver, then its a normal assumption it was a gift.
I mean it's clothes ffs. Given years ago

But they were not given years ago.

In the OP's first post she tells us it was last year her friend was pregnant so she kindly gave the clothes for her to use.

Now OP is pregnant again and would like her clothes back, she did not anticipate her friend would be using them for another pregnancy.

Well, I'd say at least 50% of posters think maternity clothes become 100% theirs once handed over by a friend. I wasn't referring to items like garden equipmemt

TurquoiseDress · 10/02/2019 18:57

Bold Fail har har

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/02/2019 18:58

'If you give clothes unless it's for a one off event'...see that's exactly what I see the last few months of pregnancy as. Like gardening equipment you don't want to pay loads for something you're going to use only for a very small period.
I'm not sure the 'why do you want them back if someone else has been wearing them for months' comments either...if OP or her friend thought this was gross then there wouldn't be an issue! I honestly know loads of people who swap maternity clothes around friendship groups

Original poster
CakeCrumbs88 · 10/02/2019 19:21

Thank you @TurquoiseDress

My friend is a lovely, reasonable person. I like to think I am too. I’m hoping we’ll meet up, mutually apologise for the misunderstanding, laugh it off, and come to some compromise ( I am much further along than her, so should be possible to more or less share if she’s up for that)

OP posts:
poppy54321 · 10/02/2019 21:44

I am amazed you had to ask. I would have asked you if you wanted them back as soon as I heard you were pregnant, perhaps whilst hoping you would say no but certainly not expecting that. Although in the first place when you brought them round I would have said these are really nice, I assume you might want them back one day soon enough! I think her reply is odd.

Myshinynewname · 10/02/2019 22:08

Your plan sounds very sensible, but are you sure she still has them? I’ve been given lots of maternity clothes and have never given any of them back. When I didn’t need them any more I either passed them to other friends or gave them to the charity shop so they could be reused. 1 friend gave me a huge box full of maternity clothes - she was a 12 and I was a 12, but we were totally different heights and shapes. I think I only kept 1 item and the rest went straight to charity. If she had asked for it back I would have been stuck! I always assumed that if people passed things on they had finished with it (unless expressly asked to hand it back once I had used it).

Itssosunny · 10/02/2019 23:46

But she is also pregnant. It's so inappropriate to ask for the clothes back. Why to humiliate yourself and her with asking the stuff back because it is a humiliation on your behalf.

wireswireswires · 10/02/2019 23:52

@Itssosunny are you high?

CallMeRachel · 11/02/2019 00:08

Must be the Mumsnet glue doing the rounds again Wink

PCohle · 11/02/2019 00:09

How on Earth is it a humiliation? It's crossed wires between what sounds like good friends. They're going to have a chat and sort it out.

OP regardless of the rights and wrongs of lending/giving etc, I think you sound very sensible and are dealing with this totally reasonably.

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