To think when you agree to meeting up with one person, you only agree to meeting up with one person?

[Prosaic]

I have a friend who I haven't seen for ages as she lives in a different town. She's going to be in town and we made plans to meet up tomorrow night. I get a message from her now saying 'Hope it's ok but I've invited X to come along too'. X is a friend we both know and who lives in my town but we've never hung out as a trio or anything and since I haven't seen this friend in a while I was really looking forward to catching up one-on-one. I don't know X that well either and so wouldn't feel comfortable talking about personal stuff in front of her. But she's already asked X along...so it's presented as a fait accompli and I can't really tell her to uninvite X.

AIBU to think you don't just invite a 3rd person along to a pre-arranged catchup? She will be seeing X separately anyway so it's not like she's in town for one night only and needs to catch up with everyone all at once! I have another friend who often does this - you think you've agreed to a nice catchup and then all these other people are invited along. Am I being overly precious?

Ha binglebong!

I never even realised there was anything wrong with my hearing until i was in my 20’s and needed glasses. I had passed every audiology test post op. One day i was in the gym when someone tried to say something across the room and I just said “hang on, I can’t hear you without my glasses on”.

Total wtf moment. Went to the audiologist who explained my medical history and the compensatory processing tactics now hardwired into my brain. Lightbulb moment! Explained so much..

It's an absolute bugger isn't it? May have to do minutes at a big meeting later this month and dreading it - I will have no idea!

For me the lightbulb moment was when someone said something, (which I heard), there was a reply (which was a mumble) then I replied to be told X just said that! Now I actively try to avoid that situation and just do a lot of nodding and mirroring facial expressions if I have no choice.

I'm thinking about cancelling but don't want to seem petty.

It isn't petty. She's being very rude. I'd tell her that you were looking forward to a 121 catch up, but will do it another time as she clearly wants to catch up with X.

OP how did it go?

I'm too late but my advice would have been to ask the friend to uninvite the other friend. No lying about being ill, no cancelling (why should you miss out) but just telling the truth. You had arranged a meal out for the two of you to chat and she had changed the arrangement without asking. Change it back. Thanks, see you tonight!

Hope it went ok for you.

Go, then when the friend is in the loo say "I was hoping to discuss something with you one-to-one this evening and get your advice, but it'll have to wait until the next time".
If she pursues you on it later tell her it's all sorted - you made a decision yourself without second opinions, and no further discussion needed.
If she still pursues you (she's a woman, she will) tell her it was a really private matter and you'd rather not expand on it now that a decision has been made.

@reallyanotherone
WoW, that's a bummer.
I've tried lip-reading, but don't quite get it. I get some words, but miss most!

@binglebong
That's a shitter. Background noise is my biggest issue, more so than "just" the deafness.

...
To both...
Would ear plugs help? You can get them now to tune to the circumstances... Look on Amazon.
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I've had bad tinitus for years, and sometimes it get me down, to be CONSTANTLY listening to a hiss... Sometimes quiet, and others really loud... It's louder the quieter it is around me! I also get a whole array of sounds.

The worst, is I'm "allergic" to high pitched sounds. They're not only annoying, they're extremely painful. Living in a major city, with police/ambulance going past all the time, it can be a killer.

I have a friend who did this constantly. Every time we got together. She's very social and extrovert. She loves to socialize. The problem is one of my dc has autism and it was a nightmare on that end. Also after one of my other dc had some trauma and couldn't bare crowds this friend would turn any meeting into "oh instead of lunch I want to treat everyone to a theme park and I've invited 3 other lovely families too". I ended up having a quiet word and explaining she's very kind and her gestures are very appreciated but for our specific situation it doesn't work. She was very apologetic which she didn't need to be. But definitely listened.

I am an introvert but we socialize with lots of friends and neighbours. When I invite people to dinner I always make it clear I'm inviting a few friends and would they like to come. Only fare people know what they are signing up for. But when I meet 1/1 with a friend I would never dream of adding anyone else. Sometimes we all need a more intimate and relaxed catch up.

If she's a good friend you should be able to talk to her. If she's defensive or makes an issue with it (ignoring you etc.) then she isn't a true friend.

macblank undietunatly ear plugs wouldn't work for me, good idea though.

So sorry about your tinnitus. I hope you find something that helps, it must be awful.

The reason she was half hour late, I later learned, was because that was when her cousin wanted to meet.

And of course, she hadn't go one of those new-fangled whatd'yecall'ems - oh yes, "phones"*, had she, so she couldn't possibly let you know . . .

*(they'll never catch on )

This happened to me. I oved back to my home town temporarily and contacted my best friend from my teens/early twenties - we had lost touch 10 years before. We arranged to meet and she brought along another woman whom we both knew from back then. They were not habitual friends but bumpemnto one another from time to time, that was it.

Yes, I was disappointed. I had really, really been looking forward to seei my friend, and I could easily have never seen the other again and not missed her. However, we had a really fun evenig, and I did have other opportunities to see my friend one on one in the ensuing months. The extra woman had made efforts to keep up with so many people from our youth, and it was good to see so many of them again.

You might find that you get on brilliantly with your extra friend and not so well with the one you made the origil arrangement with.

Get the hint, they are tired of your banter!!!

“Friendmatching” god yes this is annoying. Pal says “I’d really like you to meet x, I’m sure you would both get on so well” I’m immediately on my guard. Why do we need to meet? What difference does it make if we don’t ever meet? Don’t you think that at the age of 52 I’m perfectly capable of meeting folk without a fecking matchmaking service. Do I look like I am lacking in friends (I have plenty btw and a hard enough time seeing them all as it is). What’s the agenda of saying that? I don’t get it. Yes if we happen to be in the same room at the same social occasion great, if all is well conversation and friendship will just flow naturally, but when pal tries to set up all this prearranged build up it just gets on my wick.

And yes me and other friend did eventually meet and I did not like her. Nor she me. I tried and tried to make small talk over dinner table but she blanked me all night and was really snooty. The best bit is the pal doesn’t seem to remember that we have met and continues to say oh you’d like x she’s really nice. [sceptical]

I don’t like it as well and will go along with it in some situations but not in others. Quick chat over coffee no more than an hour of my time, yes, it’s fine. But dinner at a restaurant— no. I don’t have time for meaningless social chit chat and not interested in wider social circle. I prefer to keep my social groups separate and prefer not to share my life details too much. Another person will certainly change dynamic, it’s might be for good but the point is that she changed goalposts to make it more convenient for her without asking the other side, it’s rude. And it will get me thinking that my company is boring for her.

Not trying to win the thread or anything but I have an old friend who invited us for dinner with her and her dh at home. Closer to the time she said oh it'll be so nice to catch up, and John's invited his old headmaster and his wife too

To be honest, I think you lose the thread there, MorrisZapp. If someone invites me to dinner at their house, it would never occur to me to think they couldn't choose to invite whichever other people they liked.

SaturdayNext so if you are invited to dinner with your DP to a couples house, you don't mind at all who turns up on the night. You'll have exactly the same good time if their parents show up, their boss, a homeless person they just met or their friend who happens to be your enemy. And you wouldn't be surprised in the slightest.

A bit clumsy of her and will only make for a difficult-ish atmosphere, methinks.

Simple. Cry off via inventing the sudden death of a suddenly invented close relative (unless your pal knows ALL of your relatives?)

Butteredghost, I may or may not have a good time, who knows. The point is I don't get to police who my friends choose to invite to have dinner at their house. If I know there is a possibility that they might invite someone I hate, I can ask them, and factor that into my decision whether to attend, but that's as far as it goes.

It's beyond weird that anyone would think that, before issuing invitations, a host should check with each invitee whether the guest list is acceptable to them.

You don't get to police who gets invited, no. But you do have the right to know what kind of evening you're expecting. I do not like surprises or having last minute changes sprung on me and I would be very upset to have the goal posts moved for a social evening.

The issue here is not that a person can't invite who they choose. It's that they didn't COMMUNICATE. It's really not that hard to drop a line and say "Hey, I was thinking of asking C and D if they'd like to come as well. Does that suit?" And that way everybody gets to manage their own expectations with the knowledge of what exactly they're signing up for. Don't be rude.

Bad stomach tomorrow ...

I agree - I've a friend who does this sometimes and it is rude, There might be things you discuss with the original friend that you might not feel comfortable discussing with someone else. So no you're NBU

So is this more about seeing a long time friend you haven't seen in a while or about your right to monopolize her Time. You couldn't catch up all this time over the phone? Why do you or anyone else that tells you to run and hide from your friend, have the Monopoly on how this so called friend delegates the little time she has during this visit. You don't say this other person hates you or that you dislike her. See your friend. Maybe instead of making it All about you, you should maybe let her do the catching up and listen. Yabu and antisocial

In this era of being in constant communication in a number of ways, it’s amazing the lack of communication when it would be beneficial. If I’m organising something via social media or whatever I always make sure everyone knows who else is invited. They then can decide if it suits them or not and I don’t take offence one way or the other. It’s also courteous so folk don’t assume someone is going only to discover they haven’t been invited when they mention it. Sharing information avoids so many potential hassles.

Throughout my life, if you were the only ones invited,, it always indicated that your hosts didn't want to inflict your awfulness on anyone else they knew...

You don't get to police who gets invited, no. But you do have the right to know what kind of evening you're expecting. I do not like surprises or having last minute changes sprung on me and I would be very upset to have the goal posts moved for a social evening.

But surely when you get invited to dinner the chances are you won't know who else has been invited or whether the people who have been invited have accepted? If you go on the basis that you will be socialising with whoever turns up, there won't be any last minute changes so far as you are concerned, nor will any goal posts be moved. On what basis can you possibly demand a full guest list when it's an invitation to someone's home?

Even if you knew who had been invited, would you really feel entitled to complain if, on the night, you find that, say, one of the original invitees was unable to come and the host has asked someone else? Surely you would take the view that it's their house and therefore their choice, not yours?

I think in a dinner party situation then it's more their house their rules but it's still nice to know that others will be coming. Once me and DH were invited to dinner, as were other couples and we were all bringing a dish. But because no-one knew who else was going or how many, no-one had made enough to go round - it was excruciatingly embarrassing. WTF could the hostess not just say there would be 4 couples when she knew we were bringing a dish and even more weird, why didn't they cook enough fecking food in the first place!