To think when you agree to meeting up with one person, you only agree to meeting up with one person?

[Prosaic]

I have a friend who I haven't seen for ages as she lives in a different town. She's going to be in town and we made plans to meet up tomorrow night. I get a message from her now saying 'Hope it's ok but I've invited X to come along too'. X is a friend we both know and who lives in my town but we've never hung out as a trio or anything and since I haven't seen this friend in a while I was really looking forward to catching up one-on-one. I don't know X that well either and so wouldn't feel comfortable talking about personal stuff in front of her. But she's already asked X along...so it's presented as a fait accompli and I can't really tell her to uninvite X.

AIBU to think you don't just invite a 3rd person along to a pre-arranged catchup? She will be seeing X separately anyway so it's not like she's in town for one night only and needs to catch up with everyone all at once! I have another friend who often does this - you think you've agreed to a nice catchup and then all these other people are invited along. Am I being overly precious?

Oops.....

Something very much along those lines.

....stupid phone n fat fingers

I have a friend like this. I live a 45 minute drive away. Every time she asks me round to hers for a glass of wine and a catch up, i arrive to find she has invited her entire female social circle. I always feel so disappointed. It’s made me realise that actually she is very much an extrovert and I’m very much an introvert. She loves shallow chit chat whereas I enjoy a more deep and meaningful conversation. When we are alone she can be quite deep and interesting so I do enjoy our 121 get togethers. I do have a illness which has affected my hearing so I’m able to use this as an excuse to tell her I can’t join in noisy group situations and she’s accepted that so recently she has made the effort to meet up on our own. I do find it rude when people just invite others without checking with you first, but as humans we do tend to forget people don’t think and feel like us. She probably assumes you are ok with the ‘more the merrier’ meet up,

I think Baa has hit on something there. I recently moved to a new area where a friend lives. I was looking forward to a catch up but her idea of a catch up is to invite me over to a get together with a roomful of people I don’t know. I think some people prefer socialising in a group and keeping everything very superficial.
I have another friend who lives on the other side of the world. She can’t back to visit and I was really looking forward to spending a couple of hours with her. She had lots of people to see, but wanted to meet in a pub with loads of other people I had never met. It’s just not the same. She is a very bright, chatty person but appears quite superficial in social situations. However in emails she is much more open and confiding. It’s frustrsting. I don’t enjoy social chit chat for the sake of it.

It’s made me realise that actually she is very much an extrovert and I’m very much an introvert

Not all introverts enjoy 1:1. I find them too intense, i prefer group situations where I can chat about superficial crap and it’s less likely to be noticed if I disappear to the bathroom for 10 minutes to breathe alone.

Just because someone is ‘more the merrier” doesn’t make them an extrovert.

If you know when she invites you that it will be a group of her friends why would you not know that’s what she’s inviting you to?

I have a hearing issue too which makes group chat difficult. I use it as an excuse to smile and nod a lot, i find social interaction a lot less stressful if I am not expected to contribute so much

I can't say it really bothers me. Sometimes a larger group can be easier as there isn't quite so much pressure to make conversation. I can sit and listen and add something to the conversation when I feel comfortable to do so.

It's definitely not something I'd want to make an issue about anyway.

That's a good point - a small group is a lot less stressy than one other person as you can just nod and smile and go with the flow - one on one can be really exhausting after a while!

But now I’ve got a busy family life, I don’t want to spend time with people who don’t interest me and it’s too busy already maintaining and balancing existing friendships.

This ^

I'm flying to stay with my friend A for a weekend, with another old school friend B. So excited, then friend A informs she's just invited friend C, who I can't stand! She now also invited another friend whom I don't know but is apparently really into politics and Brexit!

I don't want to go now, but flight is booked. What a waste of a weekend.

This thread has surprised me - I really expected most posters to disagree with the OP.

I would say most of my friends are more extrovert than me, and over the years I've had many pre-arranged meet-ups that were initially 1-2-1s where a third friend (or two) has been invited. Sometimes I knew them and sometimes I'd never met them, but I always assumed the first friend thought we'd get along, so we did! Isn't this how you widen your social circle??

You may think that you can't talk about personal stuff with an extra but, when the wine is flowing, mere acquaintances will really open up and that is how new friendships start. Seriously, open up people!

@Sowing747 it's not a case of lighten up. I'm an extrovert. I love huge social gatherings. However when a special weekend catchup is planned with old friends, I don't want randomers there.

Wonder if it's an age thing. I've got a good social circle and don't need or want anymore. I don't want to waste precious time on idle chit chat.

I have noticed every year I have become less tolerant of people. I'm gonna be that angry old Catherine Tate gran!

@RedTartanLass I think unfortunately yes you are.

@redtartanlass just cancel, fake illness or whatever.

Yes the plane is booked but just because that money is wasted doesn't mean you need to waste your weekend too. The money is wasted either way as even if you're on the flight it's to a place you don't want to go.

You already know you don't like the extra invitee so just ditch it.

OP same for you, just don't go if it's not for you.

For the coupe who mentioned, using a hearing difficulties as an excuse... Please no.more.

I have moderate deafness in both ears, along with another issues, that.make groups difficult. However, I put my hearing aids in for that especially. I have a "background noise kill switch" which reduces background noises from interfering, which it does reduce (not as much as I'd like, but its better).

If your hearing from is that bad, please go to an audiologist and get it checked to see if hearing from aids would be necessary.

Make an excuse and back out of the arrangement and when you fix up another evening out make it a condition that, if you meet, it will just be the two of you.

I'm relieved to see others find this rude as I wasn't sure if I was BU after a friend did this a while ago. We hadn't seen each other in ages and she suggested we both book a Christmas activity for our children. I was looking forward to a catch up. She rocked up on the day with her parents and neighbours, the latter being complete strangers to me and not very friendly.

To make matters worse, I was then booted off the prebooked dining table as her neighbors took our seats. "Friend" acted mildly irritated at my disappointment (which I tried to conceal) and we've barely been in touch since.

She didn't once mention that others were coming with her and I was baffled as to why she acted the way she did.

Omg yanbu!! I've got a friend who does this, or actually does worse in my opinion.

Two examples: I arranged to meet her at soft play area with our children, who play quite nicely together (My ds has autism and won't play with strangers or 'new' people), and also good for us to have a catch up over coffee etc. I arrived first, at the prearranged time, got us a table that was big enough for 2 adults, 4 kids. Bought a jug of squash for the kids, pot of tea for us. She turned up half hour later with some others. Came to my table and said "i've brought my cousin and her friend along with their kids. Are you staying here, or do you want to join our table?" Wtf?! we had plans And now your making it that I'm the add-on. Bloody nightmare, and my DS spent the whole time on his own while the others played in a group. The reason she was half hour late, I later learned, was because that was when her cousin wanted to meet.

Second (And last!) time I arranged to meet up with her and her kids at a play park, I got there and she'd sent her mum with the kids instead as she got held up at work. No prior message to me to give warning or the option of rearranging. So I was stuck making small talk with her elderly mother, who I'd never met before!

I think it's fine. I'd think a friend a bit intense if they insisted on 121 time. Catch up on the personal stuff over the phone. Going out is about be sociable. Or are you going to hers?

drove us mad inviting weird people along (and seriously, they always were).

Yeah, weird people shouldn't be allowed out.

What a horrible sentiment.

I'd hate this OP. It was rude of her. To me it gives off the vibe - I don't want to waste a whole night on either of you, so I'm getting all my "chores" done at once. With a side of - I think you're a bit boring so I'm bringing along a human shield.

And I don't think it's likely friend B begged to come along when she heard OP and friend A were meeting - more likely friend A told her to come, possibly doing the same to her and only revealing later that OP is coming.

I don't like this either op, but at the time I just go along with it. It's something that makes me less likely to make plans with them in the future though. I had a friend who got into a habit of bringing her sister along whenever we met up, which was awkward as usually she spent a lot of time slagging said sister off, and annoying as the sister would always want to do/eat/go somewhere else and would sulk unless we agreed.

Mind you I have another friend who it's a given will turn up with others or will have suggested to others to meet us when we're out and that never bothers me at all as it's just her, she's very sociable, she's a more the merrier type. Plus if I said to her "c, I really want to just see you" she would listen and arrange to meet up, just the two of us. Her default is to make everything a group social event, but if specifically asked not to she's fine.

Oh and for everyone saying "what's the problem? She's just killing two birds with one stone" that's exactly the problem! Friends aren't birds to be killed with stones! Meeting them is supposed to be enjoyable. If friend A is that busy or just wants to get the whole thing over with, then she shouldn't have organised anything in the first place.

I had one where I was meeting up with a friend to get her advice on a problem I was having at work, the problem was due to an embarrassing mistake by me. I was on my way when she texts "btw A is coming". I know A but we aren't close friends. When we meet I don't bring up the work thing but my friend does. A wanted all the details and laughed at me a bit meanly. I tried to make light of it too but I wasn't at the "look back and laugh" stage yet, I nearly cried.

After dinner, we leave. A and me live in the same direction while friend lives the opposite way. So friend left and me and A walked to the station and waited for the train together. It was awkward. Finally the train came. A does not get on and says "I'll catch the next one". I didn't know whether to be even more embarrassed or relieved!

@macblank If your hearing from is that bad, please go to an audiologist and get it checked to see if hearing from aids would be necessary

I’m fortunate in that my hearing is absolutely fine. I was deaf as a child from an issue that was resolved with a simple op.

My problem is because of my childhood issues my brain never learned to filter out ambient sound. I also learned to lip read to compensate for my hearing loss.

So in very noisy environments I cannot separate speech from general background noise. I can only “hear” if I can look directly at someone’s mouth.

I have seen an audiologist and there is nothing to be done.

Macblack I have processing problems so for me a group situation is genuinely very hard. My hearing is apparently above average - I can hear the noises just not understand them! A hearing aid would not help at all.

I do agree get your ears checked out if you have problems, just as you would your eyes, but sadly the solution may not be there.

Cross posted with Really. Snap!

macblack my hearing problems are not due not hearing well enough. It’s due to hearing everything acutely and by everything I mean loud noises next to me and quiet noises in the distance. Like PP said, it’s not a hearing issue as such it’s brain processing issue.