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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think when you agree to meeting up with one person, you only agree to meeting up with one person?

234 replies

Prosaic · 08/02/2019 14:59

I have a friend who I haven't seen for ages as she lives in a different town. She's going to be in town and we made plans to meet up tomorrow night. I get a message from her now saying 'Hope it's ok but I've invited X to come along too'. X is a friend we both know and who lives in my town but we've never hung out as a trio or anything and since I haven't seen this friend in a while I was really looking forward to catching up one-on-one. I don't know X that well either and so wouldn't feel comfortable talking about personal stuff in front of her. But she's already asked X along...so it's presented as a fait accompli and I can't really tell her to uninvite X.

AIBU to think you don't just invite a 3rd person along to a pre-arranged catchup? She will be seeing X separately anyway so it's not like she's in town for one night only and needs to catch up with everyone all at once! I have another friend who often does this - you think you've agreed to a nice catchup and then all these other people are invited along. Am I being overly precious?

OP posts:

diddl · 09/02/2019 08:30

" "She will be seeing X separately anyway"."

I'd missed that & it does shed a different light on things.

Does she view your friendship differently?

BananaBabies · 09/02/2019 08:36

Agree this drives me nuts too. I’m probably best described as a “sociable introvert” and just really like to be properly briefed on what kind of social event I’m coming in to so I can psych myself up appropriately.

Plus dynamics of 1:2:1 are totally different to 1:2:more than 1

My husband (massive extrovert) even brought total randoms along to some of our first dates (which I think I had reasonably assumed would be just the two of us!). He does not do this kind of thing anymore!

FrameyMcFrame · 09/02/2019 08:43

I also have a friend who does this too. I usually cancel.

We once arranged a weekend away with some close friends and she invited someone nobody had met and her boss from work!!

. It ruined the weekend. Her motivation was to make it cheaper but us sensitive types prefer to be comfortable around people we actually know!

Original poster

Prosaic · 09/02/2019 09:18

Well, I haven't pulled out so I will be going and as I said I'm sure it will be fine. It seems a lot of people understand where I was coming from though - it's the presumption that bothered me. I also mentioned in my OP that she will be seeing X separately anyway so it's not like she has limited time and needs to cram everyone in on one evening. I wouldn't have minded that either if I'd been told from the outset that that was the plan. I thought it was just common politeness to check with the other person you made plans with if you wanted to change the plan in some way. But it will be fun though I'm sure

OP posts:

stuckinagut · 09/02/2019 14:34

YANBU - this irks me too. It's different if it's a group of friends that regularly socialise together (where I've had the opposite irk of being left out by people who seem to need to squirrel their favourites away from the rest of the group), but inviting a third party along so you effectively have to spend the evening doing small talk with someone you don't really know is just rude. Oddly enough, the types that do it tend to be those that as grown women need to make a big deal of being 'bestie mates' whilst seeming not to understand the concept! Find another friend if you need more grown up friendship!

Mindovermatter1625 · 09/02/2019 14:42

I would just text and say your really sorry but you aren’t able to make it to the catch up you hope x and x have a great time.

Then separately message friend and ask if she is free another time to meet just the 2 of you.

Desmondo2016 · 09/02/2019 14:43

I would be guilty of this. I'm a more the merrier type of person. But then again, I like meeting up one on one too. I don't suppose I'd invite a plus one that the original friend didn't know.

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 15:05

People are being very rude on this thread!

Just because OP is slightly miffed doesn’t mean she’s going to “dump personal shit” on your friend.

And even if she did, that’s what friends are for sometimes!

It was rude to not check. Plain and simple. Plus she’s seeing third friend separately!

I’m actually quite extroverted but I’m not thick enough to think my approach is the right approach!

It’s ok not to want to have a “more the merrier” night. It’s ok not to see it as an opportunity to make a new friend (vom).

There’s nothing wrong with people who prefer a quiet dinner with one friend as opposed to adding more people into the mix!

Why are people implying OP is some needy stalker just because friend changed the arrangement without even mentioning it? Isn’t that basic manners?

OP, of course you can just go if you want to. You can also cancel if you want to. Either one is a valid option. Either one is ok. Jeez!

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 15:06

I would be guilty of this. I'm a more the merrier type of person.

Would you really do this?? Just unilaterally decide without a two second courtesy text to original friend?

Lizzie48 · 09/02/2019 15:15

I made it clear i wasn't happy about the 3rd person and sat there in silence the whole time. The 3rd person made her excuses and left early

I'd very likely end thr friendship over this behaviour.

@Bluntness100 I agree with you. That behaviour is so rude and passive aggressive. This poster clearly hasn't left the playground.

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 15:23

I made it clear i wasn't happy about the 3rd person and sat there in silence the whole time. The 3rd person made her excuses and left early

Please don’t do that! That’s no unnecessarily rude to another person

MorrisZapp · 09/02/2019 15:29

Not trying to win the thread or anything but I have an old friend who invited us for dinner with her and her dh at home. Closer to the time she said oh it'll be so nice to catch up, and John's invited his old headmaster and his wife too.

What the ever loving fuck?? We haven't seen them in years now. Weirdos.

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2019 15:56

This thread just gets odder and odder.

Morris, you can't be serious? You think they have to ask your permission to invite other guests as well as you to ther and that they are the weirdos?

Or are you having a laugh?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/02/2019 16:26

If someone drags along X telling me I'll love them, I almost definitely won't.

It's bloody awful!

I had a collegue who was always "friend matchmaking" - (This is Schaden - she's lovely * ) I used to cringe - as did the person similarly introduced to me.

And no I'm not "lovely" - I'm a git!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/02/2019 16:32

trousers

We feel your pain . . . now - deep . . . calming . . . breaths.

It's just bloody bad-mannered.

I don't mind extra people if I am told at the time that they will be there.

I don't like things sprung on me . . . either as "Oh, I've asked X" or (worse) turning up with some random person.

je11ybean · 09/02/2019 17:54

It's nice to be nice. Maybe the other friend is struggling with making friends, is lonely, has commented how she likes you etc. I have a couple of friends who have been generous with inviting me out in the past when i have felt a bit socially isolated. I now try to do the same with others.

je11ybean · 09/02/2019 17:57

Some people also find one on one too intense so prefer a trio or more ?

IvanaPee · 09/02/2019 18:07

But all she had to do was communicate with OP instead of presenting the changed plans as a done deal.

I mean, how do people not see that that’s rude? It’s not the crime of the century. It’s not life-changing. But it’s still rude.

outpinked · 09/02/2019 18:29

YANBU, this would seriously piss me off.

Midnight21 · 09/02/2019 18:38

Ermm,just tell her if you don't like it.
You're,presumably,not a bunch of teenage girls.
This baffles me.If there's an issue speak up.Simple

79andnotout · 09/02/2019 18:57

Wow, mumsnet is a real eye opener. I would never have considered it a big deal if someone else gets invited along. I am also pretty sure I have done this a load of times. I either have very tolerant friends or they also don't care.

DreamSwan · 09/02/2019 19:06

YANBU. At least she told you in advance though.

A friend who I hadn't seen in a long time once did this to me. She just turned up with another friend (who I'd met once or twice but didn't know beyond her first name and the fact she fancied my ex-BF ).

It was awkward. The friend she brought was ok enough, but whereas I was looking forward to a good catch up over lunch, it turned out a lacklustre chit chat about general stuff over a coffee or two and then they left to go shopping. I was kind of furious about it not only with my friend but also with myself for feeling that I clearly valued her company in a different way and had placed more importance on the occasion than she had. I had started a new life after a breakup and although I was enjoying some of it, I was also a bit lonely/feeling a bit crap so the Saturday lunch with an old friend meant a lot to me. After the coffee and waving them off to go shopping I went home by myself feeling lonely and a bit stupid.

Personally I wouldn't go but then I'm like that. I'd say "I was really looking forward to a good chat with you so shall we reschedule when you're free?" If she values your friendship she'll be happy to do that. If she doesn't then you'll know she's an occasional "in a crowd" friend to see rather than a close friend any more. I personally would prefer to find out now rather than think of someone as a close friend when they see you as more of an acquaintance/periphery friend.

DreamSwan · 09/02/2019 19:10

je11ybean even if that's the case (invited friend is lonely etc) then the OP's friend should have filled her in a bit, not to discuss the invited friend in detail but a bit of a clue/nod to the fact two's company, three's a crowd.

ie "OP, my friend X has asked to come along. I hope you don't mind, but she's really keen to make some new friends/get out a bit more at the moment, so it would be great if we could all meet up together this one time?"

ladyvimes · 09/02/2019 19:14

This honestly wouldn’t bother me! The more the merrier.

macblank · 09/02/2019 19:35

Never been one to be nice for the sake of it.

I'd straight out say... Look your seeing X seperately, and I was hoping for to have a real chat, just the 2 of us. I don't want to be a third wheel, cos I know what you 2 are like together (pure guess work).

Tbh, I was looking forward to the 2 of us, especially as you're seeing X on ??? Day. I'm not saying drop her, but I'm uncomfortable with it, so I hope we can meet one of the other times.es you're here.

I don't want to do a three way chat either. You carry on, and I'll meet you another time.

Oh there is t another time, oh well, never mind. It'll have to be next time youre in the area. Take care n have fun.

..... So etching veryuch along those lines.

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