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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think when you agree to meeting up with one person, you only agree to meeting up with one person?

234 replies

Prosaic · 08/02/2019 14:59

I have a friend who I haven't seen for ages as she lives in a different town. She's going to be in town and we made plans to meet up tomorrow night. I get a message from her now saying 'Hope it's ok but I've invited X to come along too'. X is a friend we both know and who lives in my town but we've never hung out as a trio or anything and since I haven't seen this friend in a while I was really looking forward to catching up one-on-one. I don't know X that well either and so wouldn't feel comfortable talking about personal stuff in front of her. But she's already asked X along...so it's presented as a fait accompli and I can't really tell her to uninvite X.

AIBU to think you don't just invite a 3rd person along to a pre-arranged catchup? She will be seeing X separately anyway so it's not like she's in town for one night only and needs to catch up with everyone all at once! I have another friend who often does this - you think you've agreed to a nice catchup and then all these other people are invited along. Am I being overly precious?

OP posts:
Janethevirgo · 08/02/2019 20:28

Surely if she lives in a different town she’s just killing two birds with one stone, she knows you know each other
You are being overly precious imo

MrsWillGardner · 08/02/2019 20:33

I have this with a friend, only she doesn’t bring another friend, she brings her teenaged daughters. I love spending time with my friend and just listening to her but I can’t talk back to her when there are 2 teens sat there too. No idea how to approach it. They’re her daughters at the end of the day, much more important than me or our friendship 🤷🏽‍♀️

mirialis · 08/02/2019 20:33

Some weird responses on here insisting that asking to see someone 1-2-1 implies they want to "dump" personal crap on them Hmm If you are good friends with someone you would absolutely not take it that way. Stop projecting.

MulticolourMophead · 08/02/2019 20:45

She will be seeing X separately anyway

So I don't think the OP is being precious to want a bit of time 1:1.

Aridane · 08/02/2019 20:52

Oh, MrsWill, that's much worse than OP's scenario! Shock

WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/02/2019 20:55

@Bluntness100 - exactly! She hasn't seen this person in a year and the friend has decided unilaterally to add another person to the evening meet up, thereby changing what the evening is going to be like. If I had made plans to go out to meet up with a friend I hadn't seen in about a year and the friend brought someone else along, I'd be pissed and would definitely reconsider and perhaps reschedule

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 08/02/2019 20:56

Why you feel guilty saying no? She didn’t feel bad changing plans without asking you first.

MrsWillGardner · 08/02/2019 21:02

@Aridane

To say it’s frustrating is an understatement.

Aridane · 08/02/2019 21:05

@MrsWill - presumably not that much fun for the daughters either...

BartonHollow · 08/02/2019 21:18

I foresee MrsWill's scenario in my future

I love my closest friends DDs and I adore seeing them but I genuinely can't remember the last time I spent time just us. Her DH also accompanies and creates a fuss like a whiny child if it's suggested we meet without him.

One day her adorable DDs will be sullen, reluctant teens

Unfortunately due to life, we can only meet a few times a year, so it makes sense to all meet

I miss my friend like mad though.

MrsWillGardner · 08/02/2019 21:18

@Aridane

You’d think that but they sit their doing their makeup and the eldest starts interjecting in the conversation so it’s really hard to talk with friend about much. I have nothing against them but would love to just have time with my friend to talk to her and not have to worry about what I say.

Aridane · 08/02/2019 21:38

Oh dear - could you pointedly whisk her off somewhere, just you and her, your treat?

Overoptimistix · 08/02/2019 22:02

Completely agree OP- I have a friend who has form for this. We've turned up for things like a quiet dinner at New Year and there were complete randoms there. I think she thinks she's killing several birds with one stone but I find it so insulting that I've made arrangements on one basis and she's then shifted the goalposts. Aaaaaand breathe...

MrsWillGardner · 08/02/2019 22:14

@Aridane

I’d love to but it wouldn’t work Sad

mellicauli · 08/02/2019 22:22

Don't be so closed minded. You might have a great time. Come away with a new friend. The life that yes gets you is always more interesting than no life

33goingon64 · 08/02/2019 22:34

I did this once by accident because I double booked. The two friends didn't know each other. I checked it was ok with both and we had a great night out all together. Wouldn't deliberately arrange this though and there are some combos of people it wouldn't work with. I wouldn't get into a sweat about it. You might have a great time and make a new friend.

Weatherwax · 08/02/2019 22:36

I had a friend who constantly did this. Even changing my invitation to come round to my house with the kids to play and for a chat to out in the park near her house with 3 other mums. I no longer see her, it was just too annoying.

Teaandtoastie · 08/02/2019 22:44

I think YAB a bit U. It’s not like she’s invited a stranger, it’s a mutual friend you both know. I imagine maybe she was talking to the other friend, mentioned she was seeing you and didn’t want to leave her out.

If you want to see her alone just go along this time but then arrange another time to see each other. Not worth getting worked up about.

hammeringinmyhead · 08/02/2019 22:52

YANBU. I have four separate best friends. The only time they have ever been in the same place was my wedding and that's how I like it because I'm not into groups, at all.

I'd be quite angry if someone started "Friend matchmaking" me. If someone drags along X telling me I'll love them, I almost definitely won't.

EdtheBear · 08/02/2019 22:56

As a one off i wouldn't mind but if it became a regular thing, with different random people it would annoy me.

I've a long standing friend A we go out regularly. One particular night I asked if she minded if I brought another friend B along. More so they could actually meet put face to the name.
So I picked up A, went to collect B who's new boyfriend followed her out the door into the car. Shock WTF she invited her BF on a girls night out. And between them they insulted friend A.
B did a couple of other things that made me decide her friendship wasn't worth the hassle.

PrincessCarolyn · 08/02/2019 23:30

YANBU. I would be annoyed by this kind of thing. I don't want to discuss my love life/work issues/family squabbles/health problems in front of a stranger or someone's teenager.

Thankfully the situation has never arisen, as I am only friends with other princesses.

CardinalCat · 08/02/2019 23:52

I don't think you're being precious as such- you're clearly disappointed and it's ok to feel that way. However I don't think your friend is out of order either. It's extremely hard when you live away from a place that holds multiple people that you know and love to deal with visits back there and I think that the PP's suggestion (I think it was bluntness) is exactly what has happened. Arrangement has been made with you, another friend gets wind of your DF's visit and asks if she is free on x night, and df thinks "I have a great idea, let's all get together". It's thoughtless perhaps to present it to you as a fait accompli via the WhatsApp group, but presumably she thought it would be fine (or maybe she was scared of asking you first?) Hard to tell without knowing the dynamics of your friendship. All of the talk has been around the thoughtlessness of your df, but have you been thoughtful as to her position in juggling competing friendship demands on trips home? It works both ways. I really hope you go along to the night out and don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Even though you are clearly and legitimately disappointed- isn't dealing with this kind of thing, and seeing through it what is important, what being a grown up is all about?

snitzelvoncrumb · 09/02/2019 00:29

I would just say I can't go because I'm sick.

HerRoyalNotness · 09/02/2019 00:37

I had a friend who did this. Every time, another person she knew (who I knew too) would be there. I actually wouldn’t have minded if she’d said, so and so is coming. One of the nails in the coffin in our friendship was turning up and then both there with a coffee and her turning to be and saying oh I didn’t think you’d want one so I didn’t get you one. Cheers mate.

athrobbingpairooftrousers · 09/02/2019 07:53

Oh lordy thank you for this thread. This happened to me AGAIN yesterday, always the same friend. Whatever is organised morphs into something else. I thought it was just me being unreasonable when I got miffed at it but this thread has made me see that it's just rude.

I just like to know what's happening and she always brings along extras. It should be fine but it overcomplicates whatever we are doing and just drives me mad. I've been trying to distance myself from her whilst still remain pals so yesterday agreed to meet for a coffee on neutral territory. I dictated the time and place (near somewhere I had an appointment afterwards which was explained). I get there, it's busy so find a table for two, 5 minutes later she arrives with another mutual friend. I then have to decant to a bigger table, mutual friend looks at me oddly as if to wonder why I'm sitting at a table for two in the first place - well it's because XX never bloody shares all the information so I'd no idea you were coming. I like mutual friend fine but was left feeling awkward. And then when mutual friend departs coz she has stuff to do, first friend decides that why don't we wander round shops too. No, I don't fecking want to coz I've already done that, the weather is shite and I'd hoped to have a nice relaxing cuppa before going to appointment without feeling rushed or harassed.

First friend has serious form for this. She'll say come over for a blether and a wee bowl of soup. I arrive and there is a banquet set for a cast of thousands including her fecking gardener.

Another mutual friend arranges a walk and first friend brings along another pal, then her son, then his pal, then complicates everything by wondering where we can all meet coz lots more folk are coming from lots of different directions.

Another occasion 3 of us were on a weekend away outdoor course. She was also in the area as she has a holiday cottage nearby. I just wanted to stay at our lodgings have a beer and a curry and an early night as the following day was going to be full on exercise but she invited us for dinner. I explained that I didn't want to be eating late or getting back late. Arrive to find she's invited another couple and we end up waiting for them, they also haven't cooked enough food and we are all starving. I was fuming.

God it feels cathartic to write all this down. There are many more instances but this thread has made me realise that it's not me being unreasonable. She can just fuck off from now on. Feel so much better now. Sorry to hijack your thread op. I feel for you, it's crap when this happens.