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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think when you agree to meeting up with one person, you only agree to meeting up with one person?

234 replies

Prosaic · 08/02/2019 14:59

I have a friend who I haven't seen for ages as she lives in a different town. She's going to be in town and we made plans to meet up tomorrow night. I get a message from her now saying 'Hope it's ok but I've invited X to come along too'. X is a friend we both know and who lives in my town but we've never hung out as a trio or anything and since I haven't seen this friend in a while I was really looking forward to catching up one-on-one. I don't know X that well either and so wouldn't feel comfortable talking about personal stuff in front of her. But she's already asked X along...so it's presented as a fait accompli and I can't really tell her to uninvite X.

AIBU to think you don't just invite a 3rd person along to a pre-arranged catchup? She will be seeing X separately anyway so it's not like she's in town for one night only and needs to catch up with everyone all at once! I have another friend who often does this - you think you've agreed to a nice catchup and then all these other people are invited along. Am I being overly precious?

OP posts:

HoraceCope · 08/02/2019 15:53

my oldest friend does the same, it is tiresome

Ninninannanoonoo · 08/02/2019 15:53

Don't make excuses. Send her a text. Dear Friend, I was really looking forward to a good old catch up with you tomorrow and thought it would be just the two of us. Now that X is invited along too it changes the dynamic so it's probably best if I leave you both to it and we can catch up another time.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 15:56

I'm surprised by the reactions here too. Clearly this is mismatched expectation of the meet up. Your friend thinks it's for fun, you think it's so you can tell her your personal shit. It would appear she's not bang up for that.

origamiunicorn · 08/02/2019 15:56

YANBU This is one of my pet peeves OP. A friend of mine used to always do this and it used to really annoy me. She used to tell me a few hours before that she's bringing her sister/ boyfriend/ flatmate and I used to go because I wanted to see her but it just changed the dynamics, sometimes you need to catch up with people one on one. She's now moved away so we drifted apart but when another people do this now I just cancel.

AngelaHodgeson · 08/02/2019 15:57

It is really rude and it would bother me. She has put you in a really difficult position. I would back out but would probably wimp out of telling the truth.

An ex-friend did this to me a couple of times by inviting her husband to the pub without telling me in advance that he was going to be there. I didn't know him well and he was the type of person who needs to be the centre of attention so I slowly let the friendship drop.

EvaHarknessRose · 08/02/2019 15:57

Why not try it her way this time, be sociable and friendly.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 15:57

Dear Friend, I was really looking forward to a good old catch up with you tomorrow and thought it would be just the two of us. Now that X is invited along too it changes the dynamic so it's probably best if I leave you both to it and we can catch up another time

God that's so school girl cringe 🤭

chestylarue52 · 08/02/2019 15:58

Maybe she doesn't want to hear your personal stuff.

Aridane · 08/02/2019 15:59

Wouldn't bother me

HoraceCope · 08/02/2019 16:00

I wouldnt not go though. I would still go.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/02/2019 16:01

YANBU but I doubt she did it with malice, some people are just "the more the merrier" types and it doesn't even occur to them that other may not be ok with it. If I were you I'd go anyway, you might end up having a great laugh but I'd probably mention it to her privately that you'd been looking forward to a one and one with her

morningconstitutional2017 · 08/02/2019 16:02

You can back out by texting, 'Oh dear, I seem to have caught the dreaded lurgy that's going around. I have to cry off this time but perhaps we can have a one-to-one meeting when I'm better.'

You may have to repeat this a few times if she's doesn't get the message.

Pumpkintopf · 08/02/2019 16:02

It is rude to unilaterally change it without asking you.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 16:05

Go and have fun op, don't bite your nose off to spite your face. You never know, you might have fun.

And any text saying you want it to be just the two of you will tread a fine line between needy and school girl "you're my friend" shit.

diddl · 08/02/2019 16:06

Is she thinking more along the lines of a Saturday night out with a couple of friends?

At least you know the other person who has been invited!

Could you meet your friend for lunch or earlier for a bit of a chat?

Auntiepatricia · 08/02/2019 16:06

I’m sure she thought the extra person would add to the night, not take away from it. But that’s her perspective not yours. If I was you (and I’m not because I really love when more people can join a night out, even strangers) I’d go, enjoy myself despite wishing it had just been the two of us and then make sure next time to clarify I just wanted a twosome whether she or I was arranging it. Honestly you’ll look like a princess if you try to change the plan back or cancel because of this. Even if some people believe it is reasonable to do so.

AfterSchoolWorry · 08/02/2019 16:07

I'd assume that she didn't like me and was inviting the other one as a human shield.

So I'd make my excuses and wouldn't go and I wouldn't initiate any future meetings.

HoraceCope · 08/02/2019 16:07

are you too intense perhaps op?
sometimes the more the merrier

reallyanotherone · 08/02/2019 16:08

I never understood why people get upset at this sort of thing.

The more the merrier. Unless you want to bare your soul and have a heart to heart in which case you should have told her you have some things you’d like to get her advice on, and you’d rather not have others there.

But for a night having a couple of drinks and a bit of a chat? No issue bringing friends at all. It actually sucks if you’re the third person who’s asked what someone is doing friday night, to be told “oh i’m going to the pub with x and you can’t come”. Again fair enough if x has just split up with her oh and wants to weep on a shoulder or has caught chlamydia from a ons and wants to vent.

Boyfriends ok too as long as they’re not the possessive types who want to sit and grope their girlfriends all night while i sit like a lemon.

But people who want to come along, have a drink, a chat and a good time, all welcome!

Doje · 08/02/2019 16:10

Go! You might just have a nice time, and make another good friend out of it!

I understand it's a different dynamic, and yes, it'll be a different kind of catch up, but it might be a really good one. There's only three of you. It's not like it's changed from a small intimate get together to a huge big one.

Auntiepatricia · 08/02/2019 16:10

AfterSchoolWorry really? I think you need to work on your self confidence. And you could be discarding good friends for no reason at all.

Aridane · 08/02/2019 16:11

Indeed - plus friend is in another town and it's a good opportunity to meet up with the two friends who both live in the same town and know each other

Aridane · 08/02/2019 16:12

(that was agreeing with doje)

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 08/02/2019 16:12

It wouldn't bother me, and I do the same thing myself occasionally (not adding complete randomers, but people who know each other). It is normal among my friendship groups.

punishmepunisher · 08/02/2019 16:12

I hate this kind of thing. She didn't even ask you.

I'd come down with a serious case of the shits tomorrow if I were you.

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