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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think when you agree to meeting up with one person, you only agree to meeting up with one person?

234 replies

Prosaic · 08/02/2019 14:59

I have a friend who I haven't seen for ages as she lives in a different town. She's going to be in town and we made plans to meet up tomorrow night. I get a message from her now saying 'Hope it's ok but I've invited X to come along too'. X is a friend we both know and who lives in my town but we've never hung out as a trio or anything and since I haven't seen this friend in a while I was really looking forward to catching up one-on-one. I don't know X that well either and so wouldn't feel comfortable talking about personal stuff in front of her. But she's already asked X along...so it's presented as a fait accompli and I can't really tell her to uninvite X.

AIBU to think you don't just invite a 3rd person along to a pre-arranged catchup? She will be seeing X separately anyway so it's not like she's in town for one night only and needs to catch up with everyone all at once! I have another friend who often does this - you think you've agreed to a nice catchup and then all these other people are invited along. Am I being overly precious?

OP posts:

InspectorSpacetime · 08/02/2019 16:42

Yep, I had a friend who used to do this a lot. The last straw was when she did it for my birthday meal - it was a small group of my close friends, and she invited along some friends of hers that I vaguely knew. I made her uninvite them, I was so pissed off. Oddly enough, we're not friends any more - probably for the best...

Micah · 08/02/2019 16:47

*Why is it such a problem including someone else? Especially as you say you get on ok.

Why do you want a 1:1? What difference does it make if there are 3 chatting rather than 2?*

This reminds me of the points raised on the recent thread about what extroverts don’t get about introverts*

I am very much an introvert. I would find a group of 3 or 4 people far easier than 1:1. Not so much pressure to keep conversation going or having a person rely on me for their social interaction.

It would appear some introverts don’t get other introverts :)

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 08/02/2019 16:54

How is there so there so many of these people around? I had a friend who did the same. She's turn up with randoms who didn't know I'd be there and I didn't know they'd be there. Then there was the inviting round for dinner where it would turn out to be a full scale dinner party of randoms. All of whom thought they were coming on their own. It's very rude. I don't see her anymore. Her friends were always way nicer than her but equally as baffled.

Peakypolly · 08/02/2019 16:56

needy and school girl "you're my friend" shit.
Some of us mature women still do prefer one to one meet-ups, I don’t see it as being needy, it’s just because I am interested in my friend, not some random.
I have dropped a couple of people who only seem to socialise en masse.
I wonder if those of you scorning the ops opinion will at least consider this point of view and not invite others without a discussion first in the same way we probably attend group events if we know it is important to a friend.

Lweji · 08/02/2019 16:56

It's complicated to get to see all your friends when you are visiting a different town.

Be kind to her.

Maybe just arrange to meet her for drinks a bit earlier? Or go together so that you can chat about that personal stuff?
Failing that, invite her to stay a bit longer so that you can have that one to one talk.

MartaHallard · 08/02/2019 16:56

But we haven't seen each other in almost a year...

I suppose out of town friend hasn't seen third friend in that time either. She has one evening free and wants to see both of you. You think she should choose between you.

Imagine it from Third Friend's pov: 'I have a friend who lives some distance away who I haven't seen for a year. I discovered she was in my town at the weekend and met up with another woman who we're both friendly with. AIBU to be hurt at being left out?'

Or if out of town friend had asked Third Friend first, op would be the one left out.

Bahhhhhumbug · 08/02/2019 16:59

I visited my newish Bil and Sil in another country with dh. We stayed with them for three weeks and just once l suggested me and her go out for a nice lunch just me and her as we got on very well etc and to get to know each other better as Sils and chat about our Dhs (brothers) and general family stuff etc. or so l thought. She then announced she was inviting her dd (early twenties) whom she regularly met in the afternoon anyway every week and who visited their house several times a week. Dh couldn't understand why this pissed me off so much but my point was she saw her all the time and ld travelled across the world to visit them/her.
I do think it changes the dynamic greatly, a third person and especially when it's someone of a different generation and much closer, /better known to the other person.

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 08/02/2019 17:01

A friend of mine did this a few years ago with someone I didn’t know. Informed me by text. I spent an hour being irritated about it before replying “actually, do you mind if it’s just the 2 of us? I was hoping we could have a catch up just on our own”? Decided if she was bold enough to just invite another person I’d be bold enough to ask her not to.

A bit tricky under your circumstances now with the group chat. When it happened to me I couldn’t work out if I was being unreasonable or not.

AliceRR · 08/02/2019 17:02

I suppose out of town friend hasn't seen third friend in that time either. She has one evening free and wants to see both of you. You think she should choose between you.

My understand is that OP just thinks friend should have asked before inviting third person as it’s up to both of them how to spend the evening. OP’s time is as valuable as her friend’s

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 17:04

Op, yes, go, don't sit at home eating your heart out.

And I can tell you exactly how this happened, your friend was in touch with thr other friend, who suggested they meet up, your friend said, oh why don't you come to dinner with prosaic and I, I'm sure she'd love to see you. And the other friend said, are you sure. And yes I'd love that, thanks.

No malice and it has not occurred to either one, as you get on well with this third person, that you really wouldn't love to see her,

Andylion · 08/02/2019 17:07

I suppose out of town friend hasn't seen third friend in that time either. She has one evening free and wants to see both of you. You think she should choose between you.

But OP said this: She will be seeing X separately anyway so it's not like she's in town for one night only and needs to catch up with everyone all at once!

Which, frankly, would irritate me even more.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/02/2019 17:08

I made it clear i wasn't happy about the 3rd person and sat there in silence the whole time. The 3rd person made her excuses and left early

I couldn't have done anything like this - it is phenomenally unkind to the third person.

Better to cancel outright, or be "unwell" just before you are due to meet.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 17:11

actually, do you mind if it’s just the 2 of us? I was hoping we could have a catch up just on our own”

If we put this in the context of the op, where the op is actually friends with this third party I think most people would ask why. And what does the. Op respond to that? I wanted to discuss personal stuff with you that I can't discuss in front of x. . As per her initial post.

Most folks would think that is less a catch up and more she wants to off load her personal crap. And as much as you might agree to it. You'd not be thinking it was the night you had planned either.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 17:13

I made it clear i wasn't happy about the 3rd person and sat there in silence the whole time. The 3rd person made her excuses and left early

I'd very likely end thr friendship over this behaviour.

Sockthief22 · 08/02/2019 17:15

This doesnt bother me at all and i am far from an extrovert however i wouldnt do it. Its sometimes difficult when you're visiting a place and need time to see everyone you want to see there, or if friend 1 finds out youve seen friend2 while there and not them and gets offended. She probably thinks nothing is wrong she can catch up wifh you both at same time. However if it bothers you just say next time you want it to just be you and her and give your reasons.

EmeraldShamrock · 08/02/2019 17:16

I am very much an introvert. I would find a group of 3 or 4 people far easier than 1:1
Me too, it is always my extrovert friend who feels peeved off she can't tell all her personal stuff in a group.
Four friends are meeting for lunch next Friday and she has sent me a private message to say we'll have to catch up ourselves before it.
I get anxious on a 1:1. I actually cringe when it is planned, unless it is one of my sister's.

Tisfortired · 08/02/2019 17:17

YANBU.

I thought it was only me who hated this. I'm quite an introvert anyway (not that that's anybody else's problem!) but the other day me and two friends agreed to meet up for the first time in a few weeks and I was really looking forward to seeing Ben and catching up. Then friend A says oh my I have invited person B along if that's okay as they were in the area. Annoying as I've met this person twice and think she's a bit of a knob anyway but thought never mind! Them person B invites her friend who is visiting from another city!

It just changes the whole atmosphere I think - especially if it is a small gathering, obviously not so much a problem if it's a night out out or a party, but it really irritates me.

ScreamingValenta · 08/02/2019 17:19

I don't think it means the OP necessarily wants to offload lots of deeply personal stuff.

I'm just quite 'shy' with people I don't know very well, even if they are acquaintances or friends of friends. Also, I tend to have evolved quite specific ways of being sociable with different people, which will work one-to-one but not in a group of three.

I agree with Bluntness to the extent that, if you do go out, it would be awful to be deliberately silent and sulky. Cancelling would be the 'right' thing to do if you don't want to go through with the night out.

RelaisBlu · 08/02/2019 17:21

I have a friend who would occasionally bring along someone I didn't know when I thought I was just meeting her for lunch. She seemed to think she was doing a good thing by increasing the number of people I knew as she had lived in the area longer than me. However they were never people I had much in common with so it just made the conversation a bit stilted....

Another time a new friend came round for coffee and just turned up on my doorstep with an extra person! I was a bit taken aback by that but she turned out to be rather nice so I didn't mind in the end - but I would never do that myself

RupaulsGagRace · 08/02/2019 17:23

I think id dislike this too, although im not normally one to mind. Sometimes u want to be able to casually chat about the state of your sex life (or lack of it) and have a giggle over private stuff that a third person shouldnt be privy to. Id back out for that alone lol

Lichtie · 08/02/2019 17:25

I don't get to visit my home town very often when I do I try to catch up with as many people as possible, sounds like that's what your friend is trying to do.
Personally I wouldn't be bothered and would go. But then I'm the rude person who does this anyway. Can't say that anyone's ever complained, but maybe they are just being polite.

zippey · 08/02/2019 17:27

You can’t really back out now without looking like a dick but you might enjoy yourself too

UsedtobeFeckless · 08/02/2019 17:31

I think it depends on the circumstances - if it was someone l saw all the time invited a random third party along to a thing we were doing together l might be a bit but l do have an old mate who lives way up north ( I'm way down south ) and so when we meet we both travel to London and hang out for a couple of days - she oftain includes other friends who happen to be in town at the same time and l've had some great nights out with interesting people as a result so It's not a problem at all!

neveradullmoment99 · 08/02/2019 17:34

Well you can back out. You could just say you are unwell. Don't go and then arrange to meet up with your friend another time.
It seriously annoys me. I had a friend who did this all the time. I started to think that maybe she just didn't want to have a coffee with me as maybe i was boring!!! In truth I think she was just trying to be nice to everyone but it did annoy me as most of the time she would invite people who i didnt know at all.

Deadbudgie · 08/02/2019 17:34

I hate people doing this. To the people saying the more the merrier, no it fucking isn’t.

I’m very much an introvert, I need to acclimatise my brain to social occasions, find 3way conversations v difficult, conscious of everything I say and find it difficult to join in worried I’m saying something stupid or overdomininating the conversation. I need to simultaneously read two peoples body language. Meeting up in groups is quite frankly overwhelming and stressful.

Anyone who brings an uninvited friend is rude and inconsiderate

At least you had a heads up absolutely awful when people just do this

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