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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think when you agree to meeting up with one person, you only agree to meeting up with one person?

234 replies

Prosaic · 08/02/2019 14:59

I have a friend who I haven't seen for ages as she lives in a different town. She's going to be in town and we made plans to meet up tomorrow night. I get a message from her now saying 'Hope it's ok but I've invited X to come along too'. X is a friend we both know and who lives in my town but we've never hung out as a trio or anything and since I haven't seen this friend in a while I was really looking forward to catching up one-on-one. I don't know X that well either and so wouldn't feel comfortable talking about personal stuff in front of her. But she's already asked X along...so it's presented as a fait accompli and I can't really tell her to uninvite X.

AIBU to think you don't just invite a 3rd person along to a pre-arranged catchup? She will be seeing X separately anyway so it's not like she's in town for one night only and needs to catch up with everyone all at once! I have another friend who often does this - you think you've agreed to a nice catchup and then all these other people are invited along. Am I being overly precious?

OP posts:
Micah · 08/02/2019 16:12

And any text saying you want it to be just the two of you will tread a fine line between needy and school girl "you're my friend" shit

Yy. This wanting friends to yourself reminds me of playground crap like you can’t play, you’re not my friend, if you play with her, you can’t play with me....

Why is it such a problem including someone else? Especially as you say you get on ok.

Why do you want a 1:1? What difference does it make if there are 3 chatting rather than 2?

AliceRR · 08/02/2019 16:14

YANBU

I don’t think she’s invited this other person due to not wanting to talk about personal stuff or to avoid spending time with you in any way. I know people who do this and it is very much just their approach to socialising - the more the merrier and perhaps not thinking about what you wanted.

The friend I have in mind who does it is lovely but can be a bit thoughtless and unreliable eg is often late or cancelling plans or she’ll arrange several things in one night so has to leave after a set amount of time (it’s not because she doesn’t want to see me as she’s usually the one who pushes for it and I tend to avoid her as I find her ways tiresome) and she has previously wanted to invite others to lunch. Once the two of us were due to go for lunch and she wanted to invite four or five of her friends (we work together so I know who they are but they were her good friends at work and not people I socialised with) and I said no, if you want to go for lunch with them then go, but I had in mind just us. Just the two of us went for lunch.

The dynamic may be a bit different with this friend though as she is always like that and I find myself just having to tell her as I have got to the point where I often don’t want to meet up with her due to her ways

reallyanotherone · 08/02/2019 16:14

I have met a couple of good friends and one memorable boyfriend ;) when on nights out and people have brought randomers (not even people I knew!) to the group..

AliceRR · 08/02/2019 16:14

And I completely get what you mean about there being things you want to discuss with this friend that you wouldn’t necessarily want to discuss with this third person around

Aridane · 08/02/2019 16:15

I'd assume that she didn't like me and was inviting the other one as a human shield.

So I'd make my excuses and wouldn't go and I wouldn't initiate any future meetings

Goodness - what a paranoid Paula

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 08/02/2019 16:15

Depends on how you feel about the third wheel. You're right, it will be a different dynamic, but it might be a fun one. However if you were hoping to talk about some deep stuff this might not be the time. I don't think it would be a problem cancelling tbh, after all she has another friend to play with. No excuses needed.

afromom · 08/02/2019 16:16

It is rude OP and thoughtless. A good friend of mine did it to me a few times, I no longer meet up with her. She didn't get it and even after I'd explained she would change and not invite them upfront, but then we would end up somewhere where she knew a crowd. I get really nervous speaking to people I don't know, I literally can't think of anything to say to them (I have the words in my head but can't physically say them) so I end up sat smiling and nodding all night, whilst the others talk. It's awful!

My SIL is like this also, always inviting her family/her friends along to stuff we do together. They moved to USA a few years ago, so when we see them we want to spend that short time with them, not a bunch of people we don't know (and don't have anything in common with!) I've said to DP after last summer we are not going to visit them again, we will meet elsewhere without the option of hangers on.

I am an introvert and perhaps those who don't see a problem and think people like this are no fun, unsociable etc should think about how putting someone in this situation can make them feel!

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 16:17

Goodness - what a paranoid Paula

And very sad That someone would think this, that there friend didn't like them and wanted a human shied. 😔

Loftyswops988 · 08/02/2019 16:18

I think its rude when people do this but it's not something I'd cancel over. Unless you're super upset/stressed about something and you wanted one to one catch ups in that sense, you'll probably end up having a good time - and PP said, you may even get closer to friend 3. Shitty of your friend to change plans without asking, but not the end of the world. I wouldn't try and revert plans back it will just make you look immature and petty.

FlagranceDirect · 08/02/2019 16:18

I don't think this would bother me, but if it did slightly bother me I'd just adjust my head to the fact that it's going to be a different night to the one I was expecting but still fun. That's cos I've learned to be adaptable to circumstances. It makes for a calmer life.

MakeItAmazing · 08/02/2019 16:19

Prosaic you can back out and should. You are an adult. Time to do some grown up difficult stuff. You didn't agree to meet Jane and Kath so why do something that isn't going to be the fun you thought it was? If she'd said can you meet up with me and Kath you would presumably have said no so you're doing the same just in a different order.

How odd that some people don't understand that other people feel differently to them Hmm.

BIgBagofJelly · 08/02/2019 16:21

YANBU. I wouldn't cancel because it sounds like she just didn't realise you'd be bothered. I would make it clear though you'd have loved to catch up with just her.

Cookit · 08/02/2019 16:21

*Why is it such a problem including someone else? Especially as you say you get on ok.

Why do you want a 1:1? What difference does it make if there are 3 chatting rather than 2?*

This reminds me of the points raised on the recent thread about what extroverts don’t get about introverts.

afromom · 08/02/2019 16:21

Agreed MakeItAmazing there are a lot of people on this thread who really can't see it from another point of view. Not everyone finds hanging out with people they don't know fun, enjoyable or the more the merrier.

ScreamingValenta · 08/02/2019 16:22

I am a 'paranoid Paula' and would worry that it meant the friend didn't find me interesting enough to sustain a night out as her sole company.

PerfectPeony · 08/02/2019 16:24

If the extra person was someone I knew and liked, I wouldn’t mind.

AnneProtheroe · 08/02/2019 16:26

I had a friend do this. I asked her for a drink and said, I really need your advice on something, can we go somewhere where we can talk privately, she said, "yes, always here for you babe, how about (this pub)"

I arrived to see her with a whole group of ex colleagues and she said "oh the gang just decided to come along too, we really need to let our hair down, now what's up with you" - With a group of about 20 people looking on!

I said "sorry, I thought it was just us two today, I'm going to have to go, not in the mood for a session" and left. Another friend ran after me and asked why I was going, I explained that I had asked her because really needed to discuss something important and he said that she had spent the morning going around the office inviting everyone she saw for a "piss up" Hmm

Later she said that she "had forgotten I needed to talk but I'm always there for you babe".

Not.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2019 16:26

would worry that it meant the friend didn't find me interesting enough to sustain a night out as her sole company.

Gosh, this wouldn't even occur to me, I'd simply assume she was up for a fun night out and the more the merrier,

ravenmum · 08/02/2019 16:27

"Oh, shame, I was looking forward to a nice cosy chat! Guess I'll have to wait til next time we meet :) See you tomorrow night!"

diddl · 08/02/2019 16:28

"AIBU to think you don't just invite a 3rd person along to a pre-arranged catchup?"

That seems to maybe go for Op & her friend as well.

Op seems to want a heart to heart, the friend seems to be taking it as a chance to "catch Up" with two friends rather than one.

Where are you meeting Op?

That might also give a clue as to whether it's more night out or serious chat?

mirialis · 08/02/2019 16:29

Wanting to meet up one-to-one with a friend who lives out of town so you don't see that often is not "needy" Hmm

I tend to be a "more the merrier" kind of person but did have a friend - who is very definitely not the 'needy' kind and if anything is far more of a supportive ear to me than vice versa - say, "it would be nice to meet up just the two of us", so now I always check in advance if it pops into my head to invite someone else along who I think friend I'm meeting gets/would get on well with the the other person. And actually whilst going through my own stuff I get it - I don't want to sit there and cry on someone's shoulder at all - I'm up for some drinks and some fun - but don't particularly want to talk about issue x in front of someone else... and I always get asked about issue x.

Azure83 · 08/02/2019 16:34

Never make someone a priority when you're only an option.

Or something like that..

zzzzz · 08/02/2019 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Prosaic · 08/02/2019 16:40

I'm definitely not using this as an opportunity to dump my personal crap on her - it's not a therapy session! But we haven't seen each other in almost a year so I don't think I'm being needy in wanting a proper catchup? We're going to a restaurant, not a pub or bar, and neither of us are big drinkers.

I suppose for some people a 'proper catchup' wouldn't be hindered by the presence of a 3rd person - it probably depends how extroverted you are. I guess what bothered me was that she didn't think to give me a heads up, just a casual 'hey, ok to invite X along too?'

I will still go most likely, I know there was no malice to it and I'm sure it'll still be a fun night but it's just a slightly different one to what I'd envisaged IYSWIM.

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 08/02/2019 16:41

The more the merrier.

No. Never.

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