AIBU to expect DH to shoulder some childcare responsibilities?

[Aeonium]

DH is quite senior in his industry. I worked in the public sector before DC so while I worked equally long hours I only earned a third of his salary. I want to return to work but it’s impossible for both of us to work those hours. Someone has to take DC to preschool and hospital appts and be home to cook tea ect.

The suggestion of equal parenting went down like a lead balloon. He leaves too early and gets back too late to do school runs. There’s no way he can take time off if DC has the voms or whatever. His regular overnight stays at the London office are non negotiable. There’s no way he’ll consider a less senior position that gives him more family time because he’s worked hard to get where he is and he won’t throw it away. He expects me to do everything and if that means I can’t get a job it’s tough. He suggested I should start “a little business” during school hours so I can work flexibly and fit around DC.

I can’t see a business thriving if I can’t dedicate long hours. The business might not turn a profit for a long time so wouldn’t cover the cost of wraparound care. I can’t go back to my previous job because the workload is too heavy to be compatible with sole childcare, I’d need support from DH that isn’t forthcoming. Plus I don’t want to be a mum with a hobby business for pocket money! I’m painfully aware that not returning to work makes me vulnerable in the long term if our marriage ends. I can see the logic of the higher earner being dedicated to his job but it leaves me in the shit.

AIBU to think it’s unacceptable for him to just say nope I’m not available for any childcare and leave me to pick up the slack? I don’t know what the solution is here. If he won’t do the necessary for DC that leaves me on the hook whether I want to be or not.

He sounds delightful op

OP, an hour's commute on a motorway isn't unusual. I would even go so far as to say it's totally normal.

I used to do it inbetween mat leaves and when I went back after second mat leave. Both kids still woke me up once or twice a night between them. OH got up sometimes and I got up sometimes. I never tried to claim that I shouldn't do any.

Of course it's nicer to be well-rested. But sometimes you've just got to pull your weight and get on with it. Leaving your wife to do 5 wake-ups a night is unreasonable.

I’d have pulled the duvet off him by now OP (have been known to do that when DH was being very slow to take his turn at wake ups).

How old is DC? Big missing piece of info.

Honestly speaking, I don't think I could stay in a relationship with someone who showed me so little respect, and who considered his own wants to be so much more important than mine.

This. He sounds like an absolute arse and not someone I would want to be connected to. I've seen my mum in a relationship where my dad will at times just not negotiate and I think, well how is that even a thing? How can one person just unilaterally decide what is happening in another person's life? In my dad's case he was born in the 1940s and brought up with the attitude that he was head of the household. But really, we're past this now.

Sorry OP but I would start planning an exit strategy. Once you know what you could do as a single parent, then approach him with that plan. Either he changes, or you move on and move away from him.

Ah yes - I had an hour's commute on the motorway when I went back to work after both #1 and #2, both of whom were still up multiple times in the night, and I was doing all wake-ups as I breastfed. So he can eff right off with that one. If surgeons can function on night shift with crappy sleep, he can drive and manage Very Important Financial Thoughts.

My “except when he has a long drive” was talking about the times when he has to do many hours drive in one day to the other office - not the daily 1hr commute.

God he sounds awful. I would deeply regret having a child with a man like that. He neither likes you nor appreciates you. To be honest I suspect this relationship won't last. You resent him deeply already (don't blame you) and he is so up his own arse about himself that there is nothing to have a relationship with.

What you really want is for someone to give you a magic formula that will turn him into a different person. Some special words that if used will make him go "ah of course. Yes darling, lets sit down and discuss how we can make all of this work". Those words don't exist. He is telling you exactly who he is and what his priorities are - and I'm afraid that your happiness or fulfillment (bet he uses that word with a sneer) aren't part of his priorities.

This isn't actually normal in a relationship. Many of us had to figure out childcare/fitting in 2 jobs/exhaustion after a baby was born. It is usually a fairly fraught time in a marriage. What doesn't usually happen is one person saying "your child is your responsibility and by the way I consider that work that doesn't even deserve a thank you and furthermore I don't give a shit about your loss of earnings, career progress either because basically you aren't that important to me. I am important to me".

So all you can change is how you react to him. Personally I would go back to work. I would demand he pay for his part of childcare/cleaner etc. If he leaves you handling everything, well so be it but at least you will get out of the house, have your own money, and have a life when it all goes tits up (which it will if you both continue like this).

And for god's sake stop helping him with his work. Just look blankly at him and say "you don't contribute anything to my enforced role, why on earth would I contribute to your job"

Must be a hell of a trip to soft play if it covers the 3.5 x 24 hours that are his "share" of the childcare.

Totally agree with minipie, it is highly likely that you are feeling the way you do as a result of poor sleep. It is hard not to feel resentful when you partner sleeps well and is to their maximum of their mental and physical performance when you yourself feel so sleep deprive, you're not sure you can still count to 10.

Tbe solution though is not for the other to become a poorer sleeper too but to work out why you are not sleeping well in the first place and I say that as a very poor sleeper myself who gets to lay next to a happy loudly snoring husband who wakes up refreshed and ready to go when I feel I've just got out of a night in a washing machine!

Well, swingofthings, she's not sleeping well because she has multiple DC who aren't sleeping, apparently...? There's not much that can be done about that in many cases. Sleep training is a possibility dependent on circumstances but often you just have to wait for them to grow out of it (or at least get old enough that they can just stay in their rooms when they wake up). Hell, I'm not sleeping well right now, because my baby has an ear infection and is teething. The solution is pretty much for DH and I to share the load, because we're both parents, we both have jobs to do and both of our rest matters.

Your husband is in some time warp and thinks he's back inthe 1950s, OP. How thoroughly unattractive!

My father was like him and my mother was miserable all through their married life. My sister who grew up in that situation deeply resented my mother for her depression. I was the lucky one who was small when they finally separated and my mother was able to get a job.

Do you have equal access to family money, OP?

Honestly speaking, I don't think I could stay in a relationship with someone who showed me so little respect, and who considered his own wants to be so much more important than mine.

^ This.

He's shown you his true colours now, hasn't he. Your feelings of self-worth, your self-confidence, your sense of independence, your whole self of you - none of that matters to him at all.

He is trying to make you feel selfish by implying that it is all you want, want, wanting. When in reality, for many women, having their own career/job is vitally important to their sense of self.

He doesn't really give a shit about you. If he did, this would be open to discussion.

I have a credit card to pay for whatever I need and DH pays it off. There’s no issue with me paying for lunch or soft play or kids clothes etc. He probably wouldn’t say anything if I bought makeup or clothes for myself but it feels wrong treating myself when I’m not earning so I usually just buy those out of Xmas or birthday gift money.

I've gone part time since having DC in an IT career which is going well and fulfills me and pays a proportion of what I previously earned. But as OP says, the progression has been zero. Because I can't compete with those doing 50-60 hours a week. I've accepted this and it's more a 'keep the lights on' job for when I am (and family is) ready for me to get back to 50+ hours a week. DH is the high earner but our finances are joint and he does his share on the days I work. At least enough for me to not have to quit, but I can't ever do more than 8-9 hours in the day. I think it's a tricky balance but I'd NEVER stop working to enable the kids/DH at my cost.

How much does he spend on himself? What about savings, pensions, bills?
So, he has the ability to scrutinise all your spending? You need to change that. You should both have equal spending money after all the bills are paid. It is family money, after all.

He probably wouldn’t say anything if I bought makeup or clothes for myself but it feels wrong treating myself when I’m not earning so I usually just buy those out of Xmas or birthday gift money

Noooooo- this isn't right. If he's decided that he wants you to be a SAHP then he must accept providing all spending money for you and the children. He can't have it all ways. You're doing a job (albeit one you have been forced in to) by providing full time childcare for the children. If you didn't do it then you'd have to pay someone to look after them so what's the difference.

And this is why it should never be questioned why women get half in a divorce settlement.

They get half regardless of whether there are any children, or whether they've contributed anything at all. Behaviour and contribution to the marriage generally have no bearing on divorce settlements.

OP when you think about family finances please bear in mind a couple of things -

As he's a high earner the more he earns, the more tax he pays, so it may be worth him forgoing a 40k payrise for you to get a job paying 20k

Even if you lose money it might be worth it in the long run in terms of once the kids are old enough to get home from wxhool etc you will be able to step up and progress your career. You might struggle if you're out of the workforce another 10 years. Although you might be taking a hit on childcare now, it might make a significant difference of 10k+ a year, every year, from when the kids are in secondary school. This could exceed childcare costs

Also -

He could still do one or two night wakes and drive an hour!

What do females at his work do?

Why is he talking in absolutes? He is saying why should he have to give up his career...which you haven't actually asked him to. Flexing hours slightly, working from home occasionally, taking the odd day off last minute to care for a sick kid (which is a legal right btw) is now the norm in MOST jobs and shouldn't impact on a career. OK maybe he would have to take a slight step back on travel abroad or when they are little it may not be the right time to go for a promotion....but that is not a big impact for him and shouldn't have to impact on his salary at all. Is he really so poorly thought of in his job that they would break the law and sack him if he took time off for a sick child? Would they really look to demote him if he asked for flexible working!? Of course not and he should at least ask

To be honest OP his total lack of effort to try and see anything from your PoV, and him dictating family decisions, and making no positive impact to your life whatsoever, I'd seriously reconsider my marriage. Don't make any rash decisions but have it in the back of your mind and make sure you protect yourself. Just in case

Also I agree with a PP about the sleep. Get a sleep expert in, this will not be helping you and it will be difficult to move forward with things as they are. There was a thread on sleep consultants or trainers yesterday you might find useful.

I’m just told DC is my responsibility until grown up and I’ll have to work around it on my own
So he's made that choice for you - you are a single parent.
Whether you do that officially or under the pretence of a partnership is something you need to think about.

The only contribution he makes is financial towards bills etc.
I'd check out all the benefits i'd be entitled to as a single parent, including how much maintenance he'd have to pay (as a minimum).
Then find yourself a career that works for you as a single parent and go ahead with it.

Don't let fear regards contact/access etc put you off.
Courts tend to prefer routine and stability for kids, he won't get to just click his fingers and expect you to jump.
Given that he does zero childcare currently and only spends time with dc briefly on weekends, he'd more likely get EOW and it would be on him to arrange his work around that.

Sorry but it seems you married a selfish, lying prick.
He's never going to support you if it inconveniences him in any way.
I'm not sure i could stay with someone who betrayed me like this.....though i'd enjoy spending his money whilst i got my ducks in a row....

Unfortunately a nanny and (career level) part time working aren't the perfect solution they're touted to be if you're dh continues being a weekend dad and travelling frequently.

Say you work 4 days a week and you have a nanny for those days.

Say the nanny works 7.30am to 6.30pm (most nannies we know work more like 8am-6pm, with occasional ad hoc longer hours. If you're kids are in pre-school part of the day you might have more flex).

If you're doing all the drops/picks then you can't leave the house until 7.30am and have to be back for 6.30pm. Every single week.

You'd presumably also end up having to take time off work when the nanny was sick etc.

You'd also be doing the kids admin (instructing, recruiting and replacing nannies, ensuring food for kids in the house, ensuring kids clothes fit etc).

Add a commute on top of that and it will be relentless.

Most of the mothers I know work in professional jobs . They almost all share drops/picks etc with their partners. It just wouldn't work otherwise.

You're right to be asking your dh to plan to find a job that balances better with family life. He ought to want to do that.

Your dh is currently opting out of doing his fair share and putting his career progression first.
You know what? I'd like to do that. Dp would like to do that. But we don't. We've both taken a career hit so we can both work at a reasonable level whilst sharing looking after dd.

My nanny works exactly those hours as it happens, dame, and although DH and I do share dropoff/pickup, I can manage to do a full day in the office plus reasonable length commute within those times. It's not unusual for nannies to be contracted for 11 or more hours a day. It would be fairly relentless for a single parent, but lots and lots of single parents are doing exactly that. Sickness in a childcare provider is always a challenge, but if there is money to spare emergency backup options can be arranged. I've also only had to take 1 day off work because of nanny sickness in 2.5 years (and far fewer days for child sickness than I'd have had to take if my kids were at a nursery or CM).

Having a useless partner is always a challenge when it comes to work and childcare, but having no partner at all is even more of a challenge, and tons of people manage just that.

I haven't read the whole thread but just want to say that I absolutely understand where you are coming from.

For reasons of ill health, timing, recession etc, I've ended up not working for over 20 years. I feel stangnant, bored and, to some extent now the DC are self sufficient, obsolete. DH earns enough for us to live ok but doesn't have the high flying job and assosiated wage or the drive/desire to reach the top. He's happy with his lot and doesn't need anything more. I, on the other hand, have made all the sacrifices and no long am. I always imagined going back to work and having some kind of career but it's just not panned out that way and I do find the resentment creeping in.

It might not be financial worthwhile going back to work but it might be for your long term mental health.

Just another angle to consider.

YANBU to think that he should at least support you and shoulder the financial responsibilities if that is what you want/need to do.

So he's made that choice for you - you are a single parent

Personally I am so glad that I left my ex before my dd was born, because he was a sexist pig, to be frank, and would have ruined the joy I felt in being a mother with his attitude that the care of a child was beneath him.

Like it or not his career is more important to him than his family - you cannot change that and I'm not surprised you are angry. He is choosing not to be flexible - I have a senior role in a major UK bank and everybody these days has the ability to flex hours or work from home etc etc right up to the CEO so why is he different?

Agree you'd be happier 50/50 but you can't do that.

Sorry op but you are pretty much stuck with this unless you leave him and find somebody else!