AIBU to expect DH to shoulder some childcare responsibilities?

[Aeonium]

DH is quite senior in his industry. I worked in the public sector before DC so while I worked equally long hours I only earned a third of his salary. I want to return to work but it’s impossible for both of us to work those hours. Someone has to take DC to preschool and hospital appts and be home to cook tea ect.

The suggestion of equal parenting went down like a lead balloon. He leaves too early and gets back too late to do school runs. There’s no way he can take time off if DC has the voms or whatever. His regular overnight stays at the London office are non negotiable. There’s no way he’ll consider a less senior position that gives him more family time because he’s worked hard to get where he is and he won’t throw it away. He expects me to do everything and if that means I can’t get a job it’s tough. He suggested I should start “a little business” during school hours so I can work flexibly and fit around DC.

I can’t see a business thriving if I can’t dedicate long hours. The business might not turn a profit for a long time so wouldn’t cover the cost of wraparound care. I can’t go back to my previous job because the workload is too heavy to be compatible with sole childcare, I’d need support from DH that isn’t forthcoming. Plus I don’t want to be a mum with a hobby business for pocket money! I’m painfully aware that not returning to work makes me vulnerable in the long term if our marriage ends. I can see the logic of the higher earner being dedicated to his job but it leaves me in the shit.

AIBU to think it’s unacceptable for him to just say nope I’m not available for any childcare and leave me to pick up the slack? I don’t know what the solution is here. If he won’t do the necessary for DC that leaves me on the hook whether I want to be or not.

Yeah minipie that’s it, if he’s leaving early or arriving late or taking days off he’ll get put on the back burner or pushed out. They demand commitment and he’s not lying when he says he simply can’t fit childcare.

We could manage on his salary but it puts me in a crap position and very vulnerable if the marriage goes belly up. The overnights are genuine, they have 3 offices and he’s in charge of his department across all 3. He works at head office, the 2nd is driveable as a 16hr day trip and the 3rd has to be an overnight stay.

I have just gone part time in order to have a better work/life balance. My job is not casual nor basic, so I think that is a bit of a generalisation!

However, I do agree that part time can put you out of the running for promotion.

The overnights are genuine. I'm sure. I go away for work a lot. And were I so inclined (I'm not) cheating would be extremely easy. "Means, motive, and opportunity".

Tot up the hours that need covering, work out how yu will cover your half and ask him how he will cover his. Make it clear that you are happy for him to buy in help, but that it is his problem to solve and not to just shove it on to you.

DuffBeer I mean if you’re part time and they know you have kids they treat you as someone whose just there to do your basic hours, they don’t expect extra commitment and you’re not on promotion track.

I don't really understand what you want OP... Do you just want to be able to go back to work (in which case I think you'll have to suck up the childcare costs), or do you want your DH to do more at home so that you can go back to work (in which case you'll have to accept that he will probably no longer be able to hold the senior position at his work and won't bring in the same level of income to the family)?
Either way, the family unit is going to end up paying one way or another (either on childcare or because your husband will be earning less)

Have you seriously looked at what childcare options are out there? How much a childminder would cost and whether it's possible to get a space or if they are like hens' teeth?

I agree that going back to work should be your plan if that's what you want to do, it's just worth figuring out what is feasible and what isn't possible anyway before you have big arguments over it

MrsTerryPratcett yes he could cheat very easily because I just take his word when he says he’s away overnight. I don’t think he is cheating or is the type but it’s possible. I have to trust him for our marriage to work.

if he’s leaving early or arriving late or taking days off he’ll get put on the back burner or pushed out. They demand commitment and he’s not lying when he says he simply can’t fit childcare.

Yes there are some jobs like this unfortunately. My DH is in one.

So you can’t just demand he does some childcare can you. You have to accept that would come at a cost, which is he will be sidelined or have to find a different less demanding job. Either way he will probably earn a fair bit less. And of course the DC will be in childcare post school rather than with a parent. Is working valuable enough to you to offset those downsides?

I get your frustration, I’m there too. It’s a gilded cage but a cage nonetheless.

I just don’t want to be at home with no career. I also have degrees and a good brain in my head, I deserve to have the opportunity to be successful and achieve things even if I’ll never earn even half as much as DH. I feel like he’s judged me as being less important.

My DH says that he 'pays for me to go work'. Which is true. He does. The childcare costs are a fraction over what I bring home. But he pays for the childcare out of the income he earns because he recognises that he wouldn't be able to do his job if I didn't have a lower-ranking job that allowed me to do 90% of the childcare (when DC are home) and domestic crap

BoundlessSea I feel so ungrateful saying I think we’d have been happier if DH hadn’t been promoted and we shared childcare and both had fulfilling careers. It’s awful of me to want him to give up his success so I can have a bit for myself. I just feel like his achievement has come at the expense of my own.

I feel like he’s judged me as being less important.

That’s a different issue. Does he recognise he can only do his job because you have kindly agreed to give up yours to facilitate it? And that that is a sacrifice for you? My DH does and that’s crucial.

So you buy in childcare. It simply isn't possible for you both to have demanding careers if you are unwilling to do so. YANBU to be annoyed that his career requires long hours but it is unreasonable to expect him to give that career up.

If you have a degree (degrees?) do you have to go back to your old job or can you apply/retrain for something that would allow you to go part-time or flexi-time until your children are older? Childcare wouldn't be so complicated then.

minipie no I think he thinks I have a cushy life paid for by him so he sees it as a favour he’s doing me not a sacrifice I’m making. My career was less successful so I don’t think he really sees it as a sacrifice. He doesn’t want me to go back to it because he thinks I worked too hard for very little reward.

Nanny0gg I could retrain but have no idea what in. The part time and flexi time thing annoys me because it still limits my progression and why should I be the one who had to do it all? I feel very resentful.

This can be seen in a couple of ways. A lot depends on why you want to go back to work.

If you want to go back for personal fulfilment or independence, you need to keep in mind that while your son might be high maintenance now (sorry, can’t think of a better phrase) there will be benefits to you working in the long term - career building etc. So perhaps the short term extra costs (childcare/nanny) would be worthwhile in the long run.

If you husband wants you to go back to work so you can ‘contribute’, then he needs to step up to the plate with regards to childcare.

You can always tell him that you will expect 50/50 care when you get divorced so he is going to end up doing some childcare at some point. What would his reaction be to that?

Hmmm that’s not great. If the earnings had been reversed or equal (as it seems they could have been if you’d not been public sector?) would he have been happy to be SAHP forever? If not, get him to think about why not... then he might get it. Or to put it another way - is the money the only thing he likes about working?

I think you need to decide what it is you actually want. From your posts I get a sense of (totally understandable) general frustration and resentment, but not a clear sense of what concrete action you want from your DH.

You don't want a part time job, you don't want to be a SAHP, you don't want paid childcare, you don't want to retrain but you accept your DH can't realistically work fewer hours at his current job.

It seems like what you want is for your DH to move to a different job with less demanding hours so that you can also work full time.

Have you had a full and frank discussion with him about that? Emphasising your job satisfaction and desire for independence should your marriage end. I'd ask him how he'd feel in your shoes. Yes being a SAHP seems luxurious but genuinely would he be happy to do it forever and be totally financially dependent on you.

You need to sit down with your husband and factor in all costs, including your pension. These are things you have to cover, and if that means money being invested in childcare, then (unless you are actually poor) then that is an investment that will have to be made. Your old age matters as much as his old age.

I think he thinks I have a cushy life paid for by him so he sees it as a favour he’s doing me not a sacrifice I’m making. My career was less successful so I don’t think he really sees it as a sacrifice. He doesn’t want me to go back to it because he thinks I worked too hard for very little reward.

That's a whole lot of sexism wrapped up with a little bow.

I think the frustrating thing is that he gets to earn more, and therefore think he's more important, whilst simultaneously preventing you from working. He can think of it as a favour, which you should be grateful for, instead of a removal of your choices.

I carried on working part-time through maternity because I wanted to keep a foot in the door. As a result, I'm still respected in my field and haven't been forgotten. It was really hard but my career is very important to me. DH, who is generally wonderful, had little hiccups with a bit of a 'well my wages pay the mortgage' when asked to step up. He's over that now.

I think the key here is that the agreement was that the childcare would be shared and he changed the goalposts when he got promoted. A discussion where you point this out and work out if it's financially viable for him to change his job to allow you you work and keep his side of the deal.

PCohle yes basically what I want is for DH to be less important so I can be more important. So we’re more equal instead of him having all the success and me having none. But he’s never going to take that step down now which means I can’t take that step up.

I’m smart. I’m valuable. I’m totally wasted sitting here reading The Hairy Caterpillar while DH gets awards and rewards. He brings work home and asks me to look at his graphs and give my analysis of the trends and their implications or identify the flaws in the data. He’s been patted on the back for stuff I’ve highlighted to him in our discussions over a bedtime cuppa. It’s so frustrating.

MyFootHurts he could change his job but he won’t. Not in a month of Sunday’s. He likes being important.