AIBU to expect DH to shoulder some childcare responsibilities?

[Aeonium]

DH is quite senior in his industry. I worked in the public sector before DC so while I worked equally long hours I only earned a third of his salary. I want to return to work but it’s impossible for both of us to work those hours. Someone has to take DC to preschool and hospital appts and be home to cook tea ect.

The suggestion of equal parenting went down like a lead balloon. He leaves too early and gets back too late to do school runs. There’s no way he can take time off if DC has the voms or whatever. His regular overnight stays at the London office are non negotiable. There’s no way he’ll consider a less senior position that gives him more family time because he’s worked hard to get where he is and he won’t throw it away. He expects me to do everything and if that means I can’t get a job it’s tough. He suggested I should start “a little business” during school hours so I can work flexibly and fit around DC.

I can’t see a business thriving if I can’t dedicate long hours. The business might not turn a profit for a long time so wouldn’t cover the cost of wraparound care. I can’t go back to my previous job because the workload is too heavy to be compatible with sole childcare, I’d need support from DH that isn’t forthcoming. Plus I don’t want to be a mum with a hobby business for pocket money! I’m painfully aware that not returning to work makes me vulnerable in the long term if our marriage ends. I can see the logic of the higher earner being dedicated to his job but it leaves me in the shit.

AIBU to think it’s unacceptable for him to just say nope I’m not available for any childcare and leave me to pick up the slack? I don’t know what the solution is here. If he won’t do the necessary for DC that leaves me on the hook whether I want to be or not.

OP he sounds so horrible. So rude. So dismissive. Has he always been like this?

I think people are telling you single mums manage as a way of convincing you to LTB. He is not doing anything for you. He sees you as an accessory to his life. He isn't even nice to you and shows you no respect. Sod him. Divorce him, go back to work and put your kids into nursery. At least do the sums (factor in tax credits based on your lower income and CMS level child support from him) and see if you could do it. You'd be no more knackered, overstretched and miserable than you would be if you were with him, and you wouldn't have to put up with his bullshit.

He doesn't need to 'step down' from his career. I'll bet he could stay in his current role and flexi his time a bit to do drop-offs or pick-ups. It's true that if he did that he'd be unlikely to advance any further for a few years. That's not 'stepping down', it's just taking your foot off the gas.

I would go back to whatever your agreement was when you first had kids, and try to hold him to it. If the plan for always for you to go back to work... well that's still what you want to do. You both need to help make it work.

You've sacrificed your career for x years so his can grow. Now it's his turn. Again, he doesn't need to step down in his career, just have a few years where it's not prioritised above everyone else.

Also, you don't need to go back into your old working-all-hours job. Just get a normal job to start with that lets you get a couple of years under your belt while your kid's at nursery (and still be home for evenings/weekends), then step on the gas and go for promotion when they start school.

We have recently been through this painful discussion process.

We have two DS with autism so after school clubs etc are not available as he is in special provision.

We knew either one of us gave up work, or both of us went part time. I was already working part time but my DH agreed to do 2 days of school runs every week. He finds it difficult but I think if I gave up work it would be very bad for my MH and for us financially as I am a good earner even PT.

PS Don't discount PT work - I feel valued and just got a pay rise on 3 days a week. If you can find an understanding employer it can work well.

Well, and there's part time and "part time", isn't there? I do 0.8, four full days a week, which is technically part time but no blocker to progression and a career. 0.9 with extended hours and every other Friday off is "part time". Two days a week term time only, though, probably isn't going to get you much in the way of responsibility and progression. And of course some people in fairly senior roles job share.

My point being just that "part time" covers a huge spectrum, and is not a blocker to challenging, interesting, and well paid careers. Practically every job can now be done in some way that doesn't involve 7-7 face time 5 days a week.

*After a few quite heated discussions it boiled down to the fact that he had 3 choices:
-step up within his current job
-change jobs to allow him to step up

• get divorced*

I can see this discussion coming for us BarbarianMum. OP I think this is what you need to do.

In the meantime OP there is no way you should be doing 5 wake ups a night and DH doing none (except perhaps on the days he has a long drive). Maybe he shouldn’t take half but he should at least take a decent share (one in three?) so you can get enough sleep to feel human. I suspect tiredness is the main reason you feel like you couldn’t go back to work as things are.

Yes I do my old job part time - so I do 3 days rather than 5 - in the publishing sector it is easy to do. I take on smaller tricky projects rather than large tricky ones.

I have had to sacrifice promotion a little but that was not for me either so part time is an option (particularly in the public sector) as a short term solution

But you still would need his help and support

You sound very bitter. A LL your posts are about him and what he doesn't do rather than what you could do to achieve your career. You haven't bothered to respond to posts that mention that you can have a career PT, or that you could get a nanny/au pair. All you seem to want to hear is that your OH is unreasonable for not wanting to step down so you can do less childcare.

Indeed, how old are you child/ren? You mention working during school hours before. Surely unless your child has sen, waking up 5 times a night is not a common occurrence?

minipie he has a long drive every day, 1hr on the motorway and he insists it’s unsafe if he hasn’t slept. While I’m at home I only drive 10 mins on quiet local roads so apparently it doesn’t matter if I’m tired. Plus his performance might suffer if he was tired and he’s Very Important dontcha know

There’s no way I can have no sleep and do all the stuff I do now plus work as well. Yes I realise single parents do it but I’m not a single parent. A single parent could claim support I’m not entitled to as well, and the reason I’m not entitled to it is because I have a husband whose supposed to be helping.

then become a single parent OP

He thinks he's above childcare, Aeonium. He thinks he's too important for it but you aren't. He thinks he's above you.

It's a shitty problem to have. I don't envy you. But I really think your choices are to tell him he steps up, or you're looking at divorce and he steps up anyway. He's not going to suddenly learn to respect you and consider you an equal partner. It's make or break time.

I’m just fed up with not being valued. This morning he made a noise and woke DC and I was annoyed at losing a couple of hours sleep. And he said you should both be up by now anyway. Well maybe if I’d had an unbroken sleep like he has I would be up!

That’s your issue and I’m not surprise you are ‘bitter’ as one poster puts. And who wouldn’t be if you are stuck doing all the hard work with no recognition at all. And actually told you are lazy to boot and should be grateful for your ‘lazy’ lifestyle.

I have to say, I wouod tell him I need a break. I would ask him to take 1 or 2 weeks of holidays to look after the dcs on his own and I wouod go away in my own.
I wouod also ensurevthat I regularly go away atvthe weekend, leaving him with the dcs.
Because at the m, he has absolutely NO IDEA what it means to be woken up at night, to look after two young dcs all day whilst t ryingnto keep the house clean.
I have found with H that he only way he learnt to be more appreciative of the work involved was to be in the position where he had to do it himself.

THEN, I would have a chat about career and how to actually organise life so that you can also have a career for yourself.
I disagree that you can have a career whilst working part time. For a lot of jobs, this is simply impossible. But this is also not what statistics tell us unfortunately.

Change will need some compromise on both sides. It might not mean him stepping down. I think hav8ng some respect for you and your work wouod be a start. And he,ping at night, at weekend, with the dcs and the HW wouod make a big difference.
And actually acknowledging that SOME TIME TO TIME actually, he will have tomput his dcs and you first before him.

In the mean time, I would check if his attitude and your lack of career is a deal breaker for you.
His attitude wouod be for me wo a doubt. I believe I deserve as much respect as he does, regardless of the income difference. I believe I’m just as worthy and that I am not here to be a skivvy to a man do that he can do whatever he wants wo acre inthe world. A relationhsip is a two ways relation. Not only about what works for him.

I know this is a bit of a tangent to the thread but I think you need to get the sleep sorted as a matter of priority. When you are this tired (I have been there until very recently) it’s hard to see the wood for the trees and it does tend to make you angry at anyone who isn’t as tired as you. Or it does me anyway. Not saying you shouldn’t be angry, your DH’s attitude sucks, but I think the tiredness is massively clouding things here and making some options seem impossible that might actually be possible, with sleep.

So - tell us about the sleep. How old are DC? When do they wake up and why? What have you tried?

Mine are 6 and nearly 4 and it’s only in the last 6 months that unbroken nights have outweighed broken ones. One has SN but the other doesn’t and is just a terrible sleeper 🤷‍♀️

Actually talking about it has made me realise that a large part of my resentment is because this has just been dumped on me for the foreseeable. I’m just told DC is my responsibility until grown up and I’ll have to work around it on my own.

Maybe if we’d discussed it I’d have agreed that logically he earns more so I’ll do more childcare and be part time for several years. Then I’d have signed up for that and there’d be a plan for what work I’d do and when, and how I’d be compensated and helped to catch up in the long term, and what he could realistically do in the meantime. But there’s been no discussion, I’ve just been told.

I tried discussing this with him. He said why would I give up a well paid job that supports DC, you’re just annoyed because I won’t pay you for looking after your own child. You’re his mother, you don’t get paid for looking after him, just like I don’t get paid when I take him to soft play at the weekend.

Op, is there any reason you cannot get a nanny, paid with money from your joint account, and go back to work?

Vast majority of parents I know do use childcare and are not lucky enough to have high flying, super important, city jobs, so they struggle to get to the end of month. Since he has such a good job it shouldn't be a problem for you.

Ask him to explain why the word selfish doesn't also relate to him?

How by doing exactly what he is doing, you are selfish and he is not?

Aeonium he has no respect for you.
Just an entitled Male that thinks he is above you.

Forget about him. Create your own life for yourself. One where you can do what you want for yourself and wo him.
Two things can happen then

• he stays like this amd you will have the best starting point to just leave him and have some free time for yourself (at least EOW)
• he suddenly realise that you are not dependent on him in any shape or form and that you might well decide to fuck off somehwre else and he will modify his behaviour. Hopefully he will do that before his attitude has destroyed everything too.

But dont wait for him to change or to do X and Y. Reclaim your indépendance and your life so you write it the way YOU want it to be.

I have to say the lack of respect is really unattractive.

Seriously OP why are you with him - he now sounds financially abusive and doesnt want to give you money

You dont want his money you want to get your own

Part time is fine for you whether staying with him is

Could you go back to work part time as a compromise? I work 3 days a week, for my sanity , but also to keep one foot on the working ladder so once both kids are at school I can increase my hours / possibly return full time. Mine and DH wages get paid in to a joint account and all bills including nursery fees come out of this account so there's no 'argument' over who pays for what. I still get to spend quality time with DS on my days off midweek too.

Having made it absolutely clear to him that he can't unilaterally shift the goalposts to my detriment, I'd be inclined to book myself into a retreat or some such, and go to it on a Sunday night (or basically any evening when he's home) and leave him literally holding the baby. Give him a few days to sort himself out.

Make sure your mum is unavailable too, if he's likely to dump child on her.

At this point, I would be waking him every time I woke at night. Not respectful no but he doesn’t seem to have any respect for you.

Also when he's present in the home he should be helping with your children. Otherwise when would you EVER get a rest? DH take it in turns doing household stuff like clean up after dinner, getting DS ready for bed etc so we can both sit down at a reasonable hour to have an evening together whilst DS is in bed. I will admit I do go to DS in the night if he wakes but this is only because if DH tries DS 'kicks off' and only ever wants me which just makes matters worse, I can settle him in seconds and be back off to sleep very quickly.
I think it's unfair if your DH has changed your life plans to suit himself. A parent should only give up their career if they 100% want to & want to focus solely on being a SAHP not because they are forced to.