AIBU to expect DH to shoulder some childcare responsibilities?

[Aeonium]

DH is quite senior in his industry. I worked in the public sector before DC so while I worked equally long hours I only earned a third of his salary. I want to return to work but it’s impossible for both of us to work those hours. Someone has to take DC to preschool and hospital appts and be home to cook tea ect.

The suggestion of equal parenting went down like a lead balloon. He leaves too early and gets back too late to do school runs. There’s no way he can take time off if DC has the voms or whatever. His regular overnight stays at the London office are non negotiable. There’s no way he’ll consider a less senior position that gives him more family time because he’s worked hard to get where he is and he won’t throw it away. He expects me to do everything and if that means I can’t get a job it’s tough. He suggested I should start “a little business” during school hours so I can work flexibly and fit around DC.

I can’t see a business thriving if I can’t dedicate long hours. The business might not turn a profit for a long time so wouldn’t cover the cost of wraparound care. I can’t go back to my previous job because the workload is too heavy to be compatible with sole childcare, I’d need support from DH that isn’t forthcoming. Plus I don’t want to be a mum with a hobby business for pocket money! I’m painfully aware that not returning to work makes me vulnerable in the long term if our marriage ends. I can see the logic of the higher earner being dedicated to his job but it leaves me in the shit.

AIBU to think it’s unacceptable for him to just say nope I’m not available for any childcare and leave me to pick up the slack? I don’t know what the solution is here. If he won’t do the necessary for DC that leaves me on the hook whether I want to be or not.

If you split up he’d have the children 50:50 and would have to step up on the childcare front. And you would have time to put into a career. You both need to think carefully about what you are getting out of this relationship right now. If it’s not working for you, why isn’t your DP willing to make changes? What kind of a marriage is that?

I think there are two issues here - you feel unfulfilled and unappreciated as a SAHM, and you are worried for your financial security should you split up. Both of these issues boil down to your husband being a twat who dismisses and demeans you and who, fundamentally, you do not trust.

You need to go back to work. All these things you say he "will not" do... Why does he get to make unilateral decisions about matters that affect you all as a family? Why does he see himself as the one in charge? Has your relationship always been this way?

The root of this problem is that you started a family on the understanding you would share parenting. He then screwed you over by taking a promotion that would not allow that to happen, presumably without consulting you or surely you would have realised this would be the outcome and have vetoed it.

I hope this understanding was explicit, and you didn't just assume, because he could have been assuming all along his job would be prioritised - did you actually agree shared parenting and rough out how that would have to work before getting pregnant? I have NO IDEA why people wouldn't have a proper conversation about this before having children. You'd spend that much time discussing what venue to hire for your 40th FFS, never mind how you would organise the next 10-20 years of your lives.

You need to tell him you will be going back to work, AS AGREED BEFORE YOU LET HIM IMPREGNATE YOU, and he needs to make arrangements for 50% of the childcare - either himself, his family, or paid childcare orca combination of the three. Frankly I think your DC will be better off in childcare as he is obviously not interested enough in them to put them anywhere in his life plan. Did he want to have children?

I would also start thinking about how you would manage on your own. Your DH clearly has no respect for you; he will resent you for working and making his life difficult rather than giving him the opportunity to live in a 1950s wet dream; and eventually one of those "overnight stays" will be with some childless bright-eyed intern who defers to him and makes him feel powerful. Arrange your finances and your childcare options so that if he and his salary were out of the equation, you could manage. He sounds like a shit.

OP, if you don't end up going back to work, at least start a private pension. If your husband is a high earner you can afford it and it will be some security for the future.

We will never achieve true equality in the work place until men like your DH take on their fair share of the domestic burden. In my experience, the more senior the role, the more leverage you have. I do not believe that he has no flexibility, I believe that he just wants to pass that responsibility to you.

I'm in a senior role. Yes, my job is demanding, but my employers need my skill set so that gives me bargaining power. I use that to negotiate the flexibility that I need. Within my team, it is generally only the women who request flexibility. I imagine the men tell their wives to suck it up because they couldn't possibly get time off. Except they could, because I wouldn't hesitate to grant it. They just don't see why they should have to.

The only man in my office who works very flexibly around his kids is my boss. He does school drop-offs, works from home when his kids are sick etc. This was not the norm when he took on the role, but he has shaped it to meet the needs of his family. Yes, he still has to travel, but he conducts a lot of his meetings by video conference so that he travels less. Yes, he works long hours, but he does a lot of them from home in the evenings or early mornings. Like me.

If people want to share the load, there is usually a way in which they can do it, and the more men that stick their neck out in this way, the closer we will get to equality.

Men like your husband are just choosing to perpetuate the status quo.

To be fair, many if not most women would be over the moon to 'only' have to look for pt work or being able to sah thanks to a hard working husband who can support the whole family.

Your oh is not saying you can't have a career too, he is saying he doesn't want to step down. And yes, in some industry, it is almost impossible. My OH would love to go PT and we could afford it but it would be totally frown upon if he asked (and almost certainly turned down).

Families where both parents are career oriented have nanny or au pair and I'm not clear why this isn't an option for you. Surely if you are aspiring to a career, the money will follow and you'll be able to afford it.

@Alexashutup

This is so true. It absolutely can be done, and the higher up the tree you are and the more valuable your skills, the easier it is to negotiate. Unless the job is one which requires your constant physical presence (and I can't think of any highly-remunerated professional roles where this is so except medical) then of course it can work. He just doesn't want to because he sees himself as more important and the children, fundamentally, as 'her problem'. As do so many supposedly modern men when you get down to brass tacks.

I agree with all those saying you're being very unclear about what you actually want. "For him to be less important and me to be more important" isn't exactly concrete.

You don't want to be a sahm, you don't want to use childcare, you don't want to set up a business, you don't want to work part time, etc etc

It's not rocket science. Either work and pay for childcare, or don't work and stay pissed off the whole time

MsTSwift a part time business earning £50k isn’t the norm though, with those hours it’s usually a pocket money job. Can I ask what type of business you have that earns so much?

PCohle no he won’t quit his job or make himself available to share childcare no matter how much I complain about it being sexist. I’ll have to go part time or start a business in school hours. No discussion it’s just dumped on me. I’m hugely resentful and angry about it.

pallisers and MrsRyanGosling15 I actually said to my DM that maybe I’ll just divorce him so he’ll have to do his share of childcare. And she said no he’ll just tell the judge he can’t do it because of work commitments, he’ll want access at weekends and will want you to be fully flexible with when he takes DC to fit around his job, and you’ll be even worse off.

You should divorce him for thinking so little of you

And it would be very unfair if he got every weekend if you offered mid week but yes if you offered 50/50

To be fair, many if not most women would be over the moon to 'only' have to look for pt work or being able to sah thanks to a hard working husband who can support the whole family.

But those women may not be giving full thought to the financial implications for themselves (loss of pension contributions, name on mortgage, difficulty regaining earning power when children grown up and husband suddenly unwilling to continue to support her to beat home). Or if they have, they have great love for and faith in their partner and the relationship. The OP's partner sounds like an arsehole who she doesn't trust as far as she could throw, and I think with good reason.

Your oh is not saying you can't have a career too, he is saying he doesn't want to step down. And yes, in some industry, it is almost impossible. My OH would love to go PT and we could afford it but it would be totally frown upon if he asked (and almost certainly turned down).

So he's not saying she can't have a career, just that he expects her to fit it around his while he makes zero concessions. What are these industries where highly-skilled, highly-paid, valuable employees cannot take advantage of the almost universal flexible working poilcies that exist in most every workplace? What does your husband do?

Families where both parents are career oriented have nanny or au pair and I'm not clear why this isn't an option for you. Surely if you are aspiring to a career, the money will follow and you'll be able to afford it.

Not all careers are equally lucrative. A career in my profession for example - at the very top of the tree (a handful of very very senior roles) you'd be lucky to break £100k. Most people will top out around £40k-60k, and the majority will chunter on their whole career in the £20s and 30s. Doesn't mean its not a valuable, fulfilling, professional career. And because the OP earns less doesn't mean she shouldn't expect professional fulfilment equivalent to her husband's, particularly not since this is what they agreed when they decided to have children - he then moved the goalposts once she was pregnant and couldn't do anything about it (funny that).

Surely every family whose parents both work full time use childcare? Nanny / childminder? I don't get why this isn't an option.

Even with part time work though (which I do) I need some flexibility from DH - I would say 80% of it I take the slack for (and I have a very understanding boss) but he still needs to do stuff - he has a meeting in Germany next week that we fitted around my work (so he goes when I am not in the office). I know its not always possible but when he has the choice he always make sure it fits in best

His dismissive attitude considering they were equal before and that was the plan and unwllingness to even consider any compromise would be it for me

This idea that families where both parents are career focused have a nanny or au pair is a huge misconception.

We don't have either. But we do value each others careers equally and support each other - and request flexible working where possible.

I work FT in a senior City role and am a single parent. If he wanted to make it work, he could.

You can juggle and organise childcare, but I think the fundamental issue is that he thinks he is superior to you. I would leave him for the "dumped on, no discussion" attitude to be honest.

To misquote SGB, you are not a domestic appliance with a vagina attachment.

Pretty much most families have to make this decision. If you want a career sometimes you so end up going back and in effect add zero or even a minus effect to the family finances but you maintain your position in your career/job market and as you progress this lessons. However you have to get your brain to accept this is the case.

The alternative is to sah or as yoj say find a part time job of the type that stays at work when you walk out the door and that requires nothing or a minimal amount on childcare costs which impacts family finances on a much longer term basis.

Life is such that with commutes most people are out of the house from 7.30 to 7.30 and couples need to make decisions together to prevent resentment.

I want to make decisions together. But we’ve discussed it and his answer is just no, he can’t do childcare so I’ll have to organise myself around it. What do you do when your faced with that sort of point blank refusal!

Hi OP

You had a plan when you got pregnant to share childcare. Now he us changing it. You're a partnership he can't just decide on his own and leave you to like it or lump it. The children are legally and morally a shared responsibility, is he really going to turn round to them when they are older and explain that he never looked after them when they were sick as he earned a lot of money you see.

My husband earns double what I earn. We changed our hours so that he gets in a little late snd I leave a little early so we can manage pick up and drop off. It's a pain as we both don't get enough hours at work and often work when kids are in bed as well. We both try ans do a day from home when meetings allow, which helps. This is becoming more and more common now, I've seen a big change towards this in the last few years. We share days off when the kids are sick though in reality it often ends up me doing a bit more as he's often away.

Also I work 4 days and got a promotion on my return from mat leave -

In your case your husband didn't need the promotion - if he hadn't taken it and you'd gone back to work then the family finances would have coped. So he did it for himself as much as the family. You need to be a bit selfish as well.

The options are
Talk to him again and try and make him take some responsibility. He can not sign away his responsibilities to his children. You never agreed to take on responsibility for them 100pc. You may as well be a single parent! You will find resentment building and may cause issues in the future if this carries on. You will probably find at weekends and holidays when he should be giving you a break, he won't, as he will find more work to do as he gets more senior, or it'll be easier for you to sort the kids as he doesn't know their routine etc. In which case you will find you're better a single parent as at least you'd get every other weekend off. Try and get him to commit to something, leaving on time a couple of days a week or working from home one day

Do what he wants til the kids are older and reassess (I've never heard something as patronising as starting a little business though!)

Find a part time or flexible role with a view to keeping up with the industry and reviewing hours when the children are a bit older and accepting it won't be the career you want for now but may lead to it eventually

Work and get a nanny or childminder or nursery ans au pair etc. Dont worry if you don't quite break even, it's his responsibility to pay for it since he's the one refusing to do any practical childcare. Lots of working parents have the same issues and they manage. Yes it will be tough however you would be taking this option to help with your career long term.

Personally I'd be doing the last option as I would like to protect myself long term and he is being v unreasonable. I'd also want to show my kids that fathers don't get to make all the decisions and expect the mothers to fall in line and that looking after the children is everyone's responsibility

truthfully realise he cares very little about me and our partnership and leave

I’m just fed up with not being valued. This morning he made a noise and woke DC and I was annoyed at losing a couple of hours sleep. And he said you should both be up by now anyway. Well maybe if I’d had an unbroken sleep like he has I would be up!

I would take some time out OP go visiting and see what happens then when you are not there

You need it - and see how you feel without him

What are his good points? Do you want to stay in this marriage?
He sounds utterly contemptuous.

Having done the lazy not reading the whole thread bit...does it matter if his career progression is stymied by having to do some childcare? I realise he won't like that,but you aren't happy with not being able to go back to your career either.
Either he works,you work less/ not at all for childcare reasons,in which case presumably some provision for your retirement will come out of family income,or you both work,possibly long hours and not what you would want for your children,or you both work but at hours that allow you to spend more time on childcare etc.
If you are both working presumably family joint income should be adequate.
Or is it overwhelmingly important to the whole family that his career progression isn't interrupted?

My dh has become much more able to help with childcare now he is in a senior role. I also changed jobs to one with flexible hours to help make it work.

Sorry not read it all, but perhaps some counselling or mediation is needed to help save your marriage

I want to go back to work but I don’t feel I can do it on a single parent basis where I’m still responsible for all nights and sickness and organising childcare. But that’s the situation I’ve been forced into. I’m so angry. Of course I want my DC to have parental care I just didn’t think I’d have to provide all of it. Basically I’m only allowed to do what fits around DC while DH does whatever he wants.