AIBU to expect DH to shoulder some childcare responsibilities?

[Aeonium]

DH is quite senior in his industry. I worked in the public sector before DC so while I worked equally long hours I only earned a third of his salary. I want to return to work but it’s impossible for both of us to work those hours. Someone has to take DC to preschool and hospital appts and be home to cook tea ect.

The suggestion of equal parenting went down like a lead balloon. He leaves too early and gets back too late to do school runs. There’s no way he can take time off if DC has the voms or whatever. His regular overnight stays at the London office are non negotiable. There’s no way he’ll consider a less senior position that gives him more family time because he’s worked hard to get where he is and he won’t throw it away. He expects me to do everything and if that means I can’t get a job it’s tough. He suggested I should start “a little business” during school hours so I can work flexibly and fit around DC.

I can’t see a business thriving if I can’t dedicate long hours. The business might not turn a profit for a long time so wouldn’t cover the cost of wraparound care. I can’t go back to my previous job because the workload is too heavy to be compatible with sole childcare, I’d need support from DH that isn’t forthcoming. Plus I don’t want to be a mum with a hobby business for pocket money! I’m painfully aware that not returning to work makes me vulnerable in the long term if our marriage ends. I can see the logic of the higher earner being dedicated to his job but it leaves me in the shit.

AIBU to think it’s unacceptable for him to just say nope I’m not available for any childcare and leave me to pick up the slack? I don’t know what the solution is here. If he won’t do the necessary for DC that leaves me on the hook whether I want to be or not.

We were in a similar situation, I thought it was reasonable to prioritise DH's job as it demanded long hours, required a lot of overseas travel, paid twice what mine did, and was a faster route to financial independence for us as a family.

We opted for the childcare route when the kids were very small - the net gain in income in the first few years wasn't really worth it financially, but my job was rewarding psychologically & professionally. Then I went part-time & we managed without the childcare. Then freelance as a consultant, setting up my own company.

The kids are older now & independent. 5 years into setting up my own business I'm earning £60k in a bad year, £90k in a good one, very tax efficient, lots of time off for holidays & family commitments. When DH was recently unemployed for 6 months, we relied totally on my income.

OP, you can do this. Take a long-term view. Pay for childcare out of your joint income. Your earning power will increase with your experience.

I also think it's important to show your DC that Mums' work is as valuable as Dads'. Whether they are boys or girls.

*bug bear

Well you're at an impasse aren't you op? You aren't willing to pay for childcare but you want to go back to work.

Better knock it on the head then. Find a job, get your feet under the table, and then go it alone with joint responsibility for your dc. There's no other way to achieve what you want.

Yes, it is unfair. But to be blunt, you already set yourself up as the person with the less important career by deciding not to go back to work after having your DC. It’s not a surprise that he took the promotion, given that he was the sole earner and that there is a general acceptance that a SAHP allows the other person to really focus on their career.

You could have gone back full time and shared the childcare (assuming your DH could do this before he got the promotion), or gone back part-time and accepted that your career will stall for a few years, but could be picked up again. I work in the public sector (local government) and find it’s much better about flexibility than private sector roles.

why don't you get a childminder? they usually have the DC also during the school hols.

How often has your child hospital appointments? Mine has additional needs and I cover hospital appointments with annual leave.

why does someone have to be at home to cook tea? I do a mixture of batch cooking at the weekend and freezing and the slow cooker is my friend. it is just a question of getting organised.

but I agree with you, with a husband like that I would want to make sure I can be financially independent.

If you are going to approach this differently.. if you need to accept that it won’t change, but it’s not worth breaking up a marriage. What then? You actually sound as if you have some sort of business in the back of your mind already. What would you do? Does it really matter if the business builds a bit slower, if you get the satisfaction of using your brain and connecting to people again. You’re actually not in such a bad position if you don’t desperately need an extra income, you don’t have to build a business on survival mode. This is great. If it was me.. I’d do exactly that. Not a hobby for pocket money, but something that can grow and be successful. Because at the moment you’re almost hanging your hat on dh’s decisions and standing still at that. If you really can’t change it at all, accept it and move on to something that will make you feel happy and fulfilled.

I've not worked in 20 yrs..I've 2 with autism with a huge gap in between them.both had lea tutors at home for years and years ,as no suitable school could be found( long boring story)
I've a degree I could of made something of my life.( had I not got married and had kids).
Society tells women we can have it all ,job and family.well that wasn't my experience sadly.there was fuck all point to my degree to end up a Sahp.
I think it depends a lot on the husband,if he is supporting or not.mine believes a woman's place is in the home..he told me years later that he was always going to have a wife who stayed home to be there for the children..
I'm actually having counselling as I'm so unhappy.
He had an affair and I had to take him back as I had no means to support myself..don't end up like me x

I might be being paranoid but I wouldn't be raising the prospect of divorce and its consequences. You haven't said whether your finances are joint but the suggestion of divorce might start him preparing to protect "his" money - and men like that would see it as his money.

Tell him that you working is non- negotiable and what his half of the care will cost.

This is how it is. It's not fair. But this is how it is.
It's not ideal for many men or women but this is the reality for most couples who decide to have children. Are you thinking about having further children?

I don’t get a lot of people’s attitude to money in a marriage

Surely the easiest way is for wages (including the OP’s from any new job) goes into a joint family account, all bills including childcare come out of it.
Why should she pay 50% of the childcare if her DH will be earinging a lot more than her? His money is not his money (and neither is hers) is theirs.

OP I think you’re 100% right to want to resume your career. How many times on the relationship board to we see horror stories of women who’ve sacrificed careers to raise kids only for their marriage to breakdown, leaving them with fuck all and no career prospects.

Go back to work, it’s non-negotiable. It may not be financially beneficial for a few years, but in the long term it will be. AND you’ll feel security, satisfaction and more equal.
I don’t think asking him to take a step back career wise is fair though, you need to pay for childcare from your joint pot.

All savings should be joint in situations like this too. He is benefiting from you being a SAHM currently... but you’re not.

LADIES PLEASE STOP ALLOWING THESE SITUATIONS TO HAPPEN! If you take a step back in your career to raise kids then PLEASE ensure all accounts are joint and accessible to you also.

Ask him how many of the women with children in his industry have facilitating partners.

Not that isn’t how it is, one person can’t just expect the other to sacrifice their hopes and dreams for them at all. It’s about partnership and compromise. For some women that means being a Sahm mum and for the men to take on more responsibility and miss out in some elements of family life

But here that was never the agreement he can’t suddenly change it - after all he still expects her to facilitate everything for him at home and childcare.

She doesn’t need to accept it nor should she, he needs to think of some compromise

Oh, and here are the people to bore on about "someone else raising your children" and how you never get those precious moments and blahhh.

To which I say: kindly fuck off.

Go back to work, OP. If he is such a high earner you can probably afford a nanny.

Cherry - would you say the same to the OPs husband?

You need to get back to work. You want to and you need to. You already resent him (rightly imho) and unless that resolves your marriage won’t last in which case you’ll need to work anyway.

Working FTwith young children is tough. But you won’t be paying childcare - you both will. At the moment his childcare costs are subsidised by you because of all you’ve given up to do it. So he doesn’t value it because it appears cheap. It costs him very little financially or emotionally. Yes he has to be the sole wage earner but I am too (single parent) and that’s not a big deal. The big deal is giving up all your future security and your aspirations and your own life outside of the home.

At my age (50) the gap between those who worked and those who didn’t is becoming stark. Illness, divorce, bereavement start to take a toll This is when you need your financial independence. That’s what I would teach girls at school - never give up your financial independence.

I’m a single parent and the daughter of a single parent so this has been drummed into me forever. It’s hard to be a single parent but I like knowing that my life is as important as anyone else’s. He doesn’t think your career or your aspirations are as important and I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that.

He is U and sexist. And a poor father - good fathers want to parent their DC.

How long have you been AH?

I live in London commuterbelt and know lots of couples with the H working mega hours and travelling. W has to SAH or work very flexibly. OK as long as the model works for both and you don’t get divorced.

OP, you seem to be seething with resentment about your DH’s career success, and shooting down every suggestion from PPs about how to manage your childcare.
This problem is not going to solve itself. You and DH need to be a team, not rivals competing for top job status points.
If your career is your priority, then you and DH need to sit down and jointly budget for the appropriate childcare to enable you to pursue it.
I was widowed with two babies, and still managed a successful career as a hospital doctor and lone parent for the past 27 years. I used a mixture of nanny, out of school clubs, and childminder. I planned meals a week at a time and did a supermarket shop once a week. These days, with the internet, you could even have your food delivered.
Stop focusing on the problem and start focusing on the possible solutions! Yes, childcare is expensive and you may be worse off for the first few years, but your career progression will make it worth it long term.
You can do this, OP. Be positive, and use that intelligent brain of yours to come up with a fix!
Best wishes for a happy future.

I'd be happy to look after the kids in that scenario knowing we were financially secure. And go back to work later. Not all marriages end in divorce with non working mums destitute.

Isn't it strange how women are able to maintain high level careers with flexibility, but men absolutely CANNOT. I have a big team, and the men in my team never ask for flexible working (which I would be happy to consider!). I'm sure they tell their wives that its absolutely not possible. ...hmm

Not always - I do fairly casual agency work at the moment (supply teaching) so can't justify paying out for childcare in that I'm not sure I'll need it on any given day and there are massive lulls in work anyway - so DH, who is in a pretty senior role in his job, uses a lot of his company's flexible working arrangements to mean that he can do the after school pickups on the days that I'm working (there's a breakfast club we CAN use on an ad-hoc basis but nothing similar after school). His company are perfectly fine with him working longer days to make up shorter days and a lot of the fathers at his level do similar to fit the husband and wife's working patterns together and cover childcare.

He can be domestically useless at times but he does understand that I'm now at the point (we've had a few years of me needing to be at home to get one child through SN diagnosis and therapy etc and are now at an even keel point in that) where I need to be doing something for my own future security and my own sanity - think he's actually quite glad to have his old wife back as well to be honest instead of the baby sick encrusted frazzled housewife.

Go back to work...I woudl see if you can do compressed hours or a 4 day week as that leaves you flexibility for appts etc...

Public sector are usually good on flexible working....maybe you can get some home working (not suggesting for childcare but does give you some flexibility)

Childcare is a family cost.....it will go down over time ...if your good with data do a spreadsheet and projection up to school maybe..

Even if at first its not much more/less than your earning that wil lchange and in the meantime you keep getting pension contribution etc as well as the external validation from working...

I didn't do this as for many reasons and really enjoyed being at home but when I did go back it was at a much lower level and crap money (public sector too!) I am now working back up slowly but with all the budget cuts my area opportunities are less......it gets frustrating..but at least it was my choice....

you sound frustrated with it already ......for your own mental health I would go back...make it easier for the family and sort a cleaner and online shopping in advance.... you can always jack it in 6months in if it doesnt work out......

Have you actually priced childcare? I don’t know why you are saying it It will hardly be worth you working. You seem to be talking about having a career not a minimum wage job.

I wasn’t on a fantastic wage and had childcare for two dc and sucked it up as all my colleagues do. The costs are less as they get older and is worth it overall if you want to Maintain your career. Lots of people in lowish paid jobs use nurseries and childminders.

What do you think other families do? We all face the same dilemmas and decisions and it’s not easy for anyone.

I did go part-time when I became a single parent as I had two children in different schools at different times and logistically it became difficult. It helped the family although it did affect my career for a few years. My choice. Something had to give.

Could you do my job, Accountancy or book keeping ? Plenty of scope for working for small business, I do hours to suit me and have things set up so I can sign in to their systems from home.

I'm approaching the end of my working life, unlike yourself, but have done this for 12 years. I left the fast lane job in 2006 and got early retirement but hated it, so put a few feelers out. I have no end of people wanting me to work for them. I've done short term jobs just to help out whilst they've recruited a full time person.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

no I think he thinks I have a cushy life paid for by him so he sees it as a favour he’s doing me not a sacrifice I’m making.

That’s where your fist problem is. Fully entitled Male who thinks he is superior to women.
That’s also why he isn’t bulging and is xpecting you to just accept the situation and be grateful for it.

I have to say, I fully agree with you. I would also take thé long view there.
I have been in a similar position. So I retrained and started my own business. Not one on the side of the kitchen table. A proper business that also allowed me to have a flexibility that working didn’t give me.
I made it clear to H that any time off because the dcs are ill wouod be shared. ALWAYS.
And I insisted that all the hw wouod be shared 50/50. Regardless of him coming home late etc.... So yes that meant he had to do some hw at the weekend. Look after the dcs, take them to activities. And accept that some weekends he wouod be fully in charge (aka I wouodnt be there sonhe had to do all the washing, looking afetr the feeding them, weekly shop etc etc)
And I REFUSED to be in a position where mynwork wasn’t treated as valuable as his. Regardless of the money it brings, how important he is etc etc.

The reality is that I think it’s extrenely hard to have two partners who are working at a high level at the same time (unless you are earning enough to have a nanny. And then the dcs wouodnt see their parents often). But you can make sure thatbyour input is treated with the same value as his. He really really needs to remembervthat they oonlybreason he can do his job is THANKS TO you. He should be grateful to be given that opportunity. He shouod be grateful for your input and support.

Isn't it strange how women are able to maintain high level careers with flexibility, but men absolutely CANNOT. I have a big team, and the men in my team never ask for flexible working (which I would be happy to consider!). I'm sure they tell their wives that its absolutely not possible. ...hmm

Yes we have this. Drives me ballistic.