AIBU to expect DH to shoulder some childcare responsibilities?

[Aeonium]

DH is quite senior in his industry. I worked in the public sector before DC so while I worked equally long hours I only earned a third of his salary. I want to return to work but it’s impossible for both of us to work those hours. Someone has to take DC to preschool and hospital appts and be home to cook tea ect.

The suggestion of equal parenting went down like a lead balloon. He leaves too early and gets back too late to do school runs. There’s no way he can take time off if DC has the voms or whatever. His regular overnight stays at the London office are non negotiable. There’s no way he’ll consider a less senior position that gives him more family time because he’s worked hard to get where he is and he won’t throw it away. He expects me to do everything and if that means I can’t get a job it’s tough. He suggested I should start “a little business” during school hours so I can work flexibly and fit around DC.

I can’t see a business thriving if I can’t dedicate long hours. The business might not turn a profit for a long time so wouldn’t cover the cost of wraparound care. I can’t go back to my previous job because the workload is too heavy to be compatible with sole childcare, I’d need support from DH that isn’t forthcoming. Plus I don’t want to be a mum with a hobby business for pocket money! I’m painfully aware that not returning to work makes me vulnerable in the long term if our marriage ends. I can see the logic of the higher earner being dedicated to his job but it leaves me in the shit.

AIBU to think it’s unacceptable for him to just say nope I’m not available for any childcare and leave me to pick up the slack? I don’t know what the solution is here. If he won’t do the necessary for DC that leaves me on the hook whether I want to be or not.

I can completely see that.

I suppose what I am trying to express is that verbalising precisely what you want to happen helps clarify whether it is realistic.

Is your husband going to quit his high powered job to support your career? MN screaming how how sexist and awful it is if he doesn't isn't really relevant. As a matter of practical reality, will he?

Because if the answer is no (as I suspect it is) you need to consider alternatives such as working part time or spending more than you earn on childcare (or indeed LTB).

we could afford childcare but wouldn’t hardly be any better off for me working.

But bringing in more money isn't really the issue ATM though, is it? Your goal is to get your career back on track and any financial rewards will be reaped further down the line when childcare's no longer an expense.

I wouldn't let current childcare expenses hold you back now, start looking into options (nanny/au pair) and see what fits best. Good luck!

STOP deciding on your career choices based on childcare costs pitted against your salary. Childcare is a cost both of you bear so half of it makes your salary worthwhile. I worked for 2 years bringing home less than I paid in childcare - if I was a single parent. I wasn't.
So we brought home more than we paid in childcare and I got a career, interesting work, a pension (you have no idea how important this is - couldn't believe what my pension became), a social life with colleages etc.

your dh is a selfish fucker who wants you to take on all responsibilities of childcare but won't acknowledge that this is worth anything to him. If he said to you "look, I know this is hard but could you go part time for a while and I will go hell for leather for it and we can re-assess in a few years and maybe you can go for it" well fine. But he isn't. he wants to do what suits him. he doesn't care what you might like. He is measuring everything in pound notes. He wants to be divorced from childrearing. fuck that for a game of cowboys as they say.

I’m smart. I’m valuable. I’m totally wasted sitting here reading The Hairy Caterpillar while DH gets awards and rewards. He brings work home and asks me to look at his graphs and give my analysis of the trends and their implications or identify the flaws in the data. He’s been patted on the back for stuff I’ve highlighted to him in our discussions over a bedtime cuppa. It’s so frustrating.

Seriously. Just stop this crap. go back to work and tell your dh he will have to pitch in or he will be pitching in 50/50 in a custody arrangement.

by the way, he should want you to be happy and fulfilled. He shouldn't want you to be the person who solves his childcare problems. he should think more of you than this. Think about it. Is he that attractive?

we could afford childcare but wouldn’t hardly be any better off for me working.

It never is. They should teach this in schools to girls (no need to teach it to boys). It NEVER is worth it in the first few years. But it is certainly worth it. Particularly if you want to work

Go back to work. Get on with your career. And get childcare - a nanny, a childminder, whatever. Paid from your shared account.

No, as a family you won't be better off in the short term. But as an individual and in the medium term as a family, you will be much better off.

(a) Because if you ever split up, your career won't have been damaged.
(b) Because you'll be happier using your mind and your skills.
(c) Because a happy person is a better parent and partner.

"we could afford childcare but wouldn’t hardly be any better off for me working."
Set aside the 'no better off' on three counts -

1. You may be no better off immediately but you will be in the long run as you accrue pension and pay rises.
2. feeling less vulnerable in your marriage (because you will be less vulnerable) is worth a fortune.
3. It's not about the money

You want to work because your husband does not value you as a SAHP and you are starting to resent it. This could seriously affect your marriage. It already looks as if it has affected your respect for him. (And IMO love rarely lasts long once the respect has gone.)

So, where are we?

You accept his job is incompatible with family life, and that's not going to change whilst he's in that job. OK. If he's now sooo important, he can afford to pay for childcare whilst you retrain into another career. And you also need to hammer home to him that the ONLY reason he can hold down this job is because YOU hold down the fort. And you are sick of the imbalance. Paying for childcare - replacing your care - might perversely make him see the value of your care. OK, it's unlikely but maybe.

That means you need to apply yourself to the question of - what career do I want to enter? And start working out a plan.

It might also be worth pointing out to him that the less he does childcare NOW, the more strain this will put on his relationship with his child LATER. Because they won't really know him, will they? He leaves before they're up, home after they're in bed, works in the evening, goes away with work. Maybe he needs to consider that.

What pallisers said, x100.

I’m the higher earner in our family. When our second DC starts nursery, combined with our part-time nanny/housekeeper, my DH’s salary after tax will only be moderately above what we’re paying in childcare. No one would DREAM of suggesting to him that he should give up his career as an engineering manager because the family economics don’t work out in favour of his job at the moment! We recognize that he enjoys his work and is on a good career path. And so WE pay for the right childcare to enable that to continue. And long-term, when the kids are in school, he won’t have fallen behind in his career. It’s just good sense... and for some reason people seem to understand that better when it’s the man who’s put in this position... drives me nuts. (Oh, and my MIL still asks if we can “afford” for me to work when baby #2 arrives... I don’t have the heart to set her straight, though I’m sorely tempted!!!)

Also - you won't be better off immediately, as a family. But you won't be worse off either.

It's not a tragedy for children not to have a SAHM. My mother was a SAHM until I was 14, and she was clearly miserable because she wanted to work but was guilted (not by my father) into staying at home and take care of her family. It really, really wan't a good idea, and I have always wished she had gone back to work earlier than she did.

I just feel like his achievement has come at the expense of my own.

That's because - without being blunt - it has. Without you there to look after his child, he would have to do it. With you there, he gets to have an amazing job, have a lovely wife and child, and no doubt not have to really think about the household stuff (like having a clean shirt for the overnight bag, or vaccination schedules)

Which is fine, if you are all happy with the set up and he appreciates the sacrifices that you have made. But it doesn't sound as if that is the case, so something has to change.

(On a short term thing, I've discovered podcasts as a way to keep my brain semi-engaged whilst doing the SAHM thing - otherwise I can feel my brain atrophying inside my skull)

pallisers and WhereYouLeftIt have stated it beautifully. Couldn't have said it better myself.

I get the feeling that you thought your marriage would be more equal. You both working at good jobs and both sharing in home life and child care.

He's important and paid well, just hire a nanny and get back work. It'll help your self esteem plus protect yourself in the future

Saturday morning, get up, say you’ve made an arbitrary decision for him that he will spend the day parenting, as apparently he can do that for you Monday to Friday. Then leave and take the day to think.
Forget childcare costs. It sounds like you want to work. Dh will have to contribute to childcare costs. Decide do you want your exact job, could you look for something else... come home and tell him it’s a shame you dont make decisions together anymore but it’s your turn and this is what you’ve decided. If he can’t contribute time he has to contribute ££. He has to contribute.

PCohleyes basically what I want is for DH to be less important so I can be more important. So we’re more equal instead of him having all the success and me having none. But he’s never going to take that step down now which means I can’t take that step up.

I get this. But, you have been happy to support and help his career, while you were happy at home. It is a bit like saying 'yeah that was great that you got a promotion and earned enough to stay at home while I wanted to, but now you need to stop your career because I am bored and I said so'.

Yes you took a hit to your career, but you benefited to. Thats how it works. He benefited but had to be the sole earner for the family. You both gain something.

This isn't about money for you. Go back to work and pay for childcare. It may seem expensive now but in a few years you will be reaping the rewards.

I always worked full time. It was expensive. But when my marriage broke down, being a single parent was so much easier when I had my own earnings, could support myself etc.

This isn't about money, it's about you wanting to work again. So work again. It's almost like you want him to take a bit to your career because you did and you want to be able to catch up. Which I actually kind of understand. But taking that hit was also your choice. It seems crazy, when you can afford childcare to insist he earns less.

My exh was like this and that's why I flat refused to ahve a child with him, ever. My dp can be a pest sometimes but he doesn't see baby as only my job and is covering half of childcare.
Honestly I'd remind him of the impact. Get your figures together from providers for the childcare you need and let him know the costs. He pays half and you do. If he mentions his career being important then you says your career is too.
However, I am now back at work with a young baby and if I could I'd go part time so I could see him more regardless software long term impact at least for the next 5 years until he was in school as I miss him.

Ask him genuinely how he will cope with 50/50 custody, when your marriage falls apart because you feel vulnerable, unappreciated and undervalued. How is he going to work then? Also he must never see his dc. Does he really think he will look back and say oh I'm glad I got all those awards, doesn't matter that my dc hardly sees me!

My kids are older now so I’ve been through this and so have lots of my friends. There are several options. These have all worked out for the people involved. Most of all, forget what your DH is doing. Wasted emotional energy. It sucks but it is what it is and ain’t gonna change or help you to keep mulling on it. You’re talking yourself into marriage/DH resentment. So, focus on a positive plan. Things that people I know have done include 1) hire a nanny/au pair and go back to full time work. This includes paying for a cleaner/gardener/dog walker. Yes it costs to work BUT that’s only for a sacrificial number of years until kids are older. Now they are in beneficial position of career plus self sufficient kids (with holiday clubs) and they are happy and earning money 2) throw yourself into school/preschool activities. PTA. Parent Rep. training to do things they need in schools like librarian. Forest school leader. First aid responder. Cub Scout leader. Kids music club/gym club/yoga leader. As soon as kids are older you’ve got a CV full of things and skills. 3) hobby business. Running a community cafe/cafe in the park/mums yoga/mums running group/sewing kids school stuff/kids photographer/party planner...all sorts of businesses that now kids are older are now flourishing and becoming more established.

So there’s some ideas for you

Ask him genuinely how he will cope with 50/50 custody, when your marriage falls apart because you feel vulnerable, unappreciated and undervalued.

Pays for childcare and arranges trips for when he doesn't have the kids. It's not impossible to work in a professional role that requires travel when you have kids 50% of the time.

Asking this question is pointless. How would you even know if 50:50 is what op would want or that's what's best for the child.

Oh and be careful what you wish for. I’ve got friends who have DHs who originally had never at home high powered jobs and then never saw the kids and decided to do a “life change”. Quit. Work from home. Set up home businesses. Most of those marriages are now over because as soon as the bloke started being around more it caused a tonne of extra/different problems including one of the DHs going off with one of the kids school teachers. One of them meeting and sleeping with another school run mum. It’s not always a good idea to have a DH at home more. Just saying.

Agree with PP go out Saturday all day have a proper think.

It sounds like money is all he wants to talk about. Tell him they are 50% his children, if he can't DO 50% of the care then he has to PAY 50% of the care costs!

The deeper issue sounds like he's not the man you thought he was when you married. He's gone off and changed while you plodded on loyally assuming things would get back to normal. They haven't and won't because DH is addicted to being so very important outside the home.

In the long run, in the kind of job he's in, how he parents his children will have a greater impact on the world than anything he does at work. Does he know that? Does he spend quality time with them at weekends? Tell him.

This stage is hard but you are doing well to face up to it now. Fight for your marriage, your children and your career. No one tells us how bloody hard it is.

My own little business from home in school hours earning me £50k plus this year why is doing that sneered at as “pocket money” . My sister and her friend running their own business from my sisters home office earning more than that. So sexist you sound like my mil.

He needs to pay for a nanny so you can work if he won’t

Your child should come first, career second.

You say the reason you want to work is not finances, do what does it matter if most of what you earn is going in childcare costs. You are not making sense to me. I think your DH’s suggestion of ‘starting a little business’ was a good idea, even if he did say it a bit wrong!! You are in the enviable position of not financially needing to work, use that to your advantage why not go to college and re train so when your DC are no longer needing childcare or as you put it ‘Your marriage ends!’ You will be in a position to earn a living.

I disagree that DH needs to sacrifice his career to do 50 / 50 childcare. However, he can afford childcare to enable OP to resume work - even though short term may be uneconomic

We’ve faced this issue. We’ve ended up in situations where we can both progress in jobs we like. But that’s as much luck as judgement.

If your husband was apologetically saying he’s got this big promotion and would be mad to step down, I’d have sympathy. But saying you should be grateful for the chance to jack in your career, probably forever, is a hugely unreasonable on his part.