AIBU to expect DH to shoulder some childcare responsibilities?

[Aeonium]

DH is quite senior in his industry. I worked in the public sector before DC so while I worked equally long hours I only earned a third of his salary. I want to return to work but it’s impossible for both of us to work those hours. Someone has to take DC to preschool and hospital appts and be home to cook tea ect.

The suggestion of equal parenting went down like a lead balloon. He leaves too early and gets back too late to do school runs. There’s no way he can take time off if DC has the voms or whatever. His regular overnight stays at the London office are non negotiable. There’s no way he’ll consider a less senior position that gives him more family time because he’s worked hard to get where he is and he won’t throw it away. He expects me to do everything and if that means I can’t get a job it’s tough. He suggested I should start “a little business” during school hours so I can work flexibly and fit around DC.

I can’t see a business thriving if I can’t dedicate long hours. The business might not turn a profit for a long time so wouldn’t cover the cost of wraparound care. I can’t go back to my previous job because the workload is too heavy to be compatible with sole childcare, I’d need support from DH that isn’t forthcoming. Plus I don’t want to be a mum with a hobby business for pocket money! I’m painfully aware that not returning to work makes me vulnerable in the long term if our marriage ends. I can see the logic of the higher earner being dedicated to his job but it leaves me in the shit.

AIBU to think it’s unacceptable for him to just say nope I’m not available for any childcare and leave me to pick up the slack? I don’t know what the solution is here. If he won’t do the necessary for DC that leaves me on the hook whether I want to be or not.

I agree with Cherbert. Have you considered what's best for the children in this ? You see sitting at home reading to your child as a waste of your skills and talent but it's the opposite. You have the opportunity to make a huge difference in your child's life and form them as a human being. If money is ok I think that should be your focus, rather than putting your child in the care of someone else so you can work. The child will learn other peoples values and not your own if you give them to someone else to care for. You never get these precious early years back with your children, couldn't you change your focus into how can I be the best mum/ teacher to my child ? How can I give my child the best start in life and form their character? These things are so important, imo more important than success at work.

Basically you need to suck up the childcare costs. You should be able to get a fulfilling career in the public sector working flexibly depending on what your background was. You don’t just need to do the crazy, high profile roles to have interesting work.

I have been in a similar situation (both good careers but husband out-earning massively) but I went part time. I have been put on the mummy track and I’m starting to think about whether to up my days and push on or enjoy a reasonable work life balance. It is hard but you are obviously resentful and not cut out for working.

Also sometimes it is bollocks that senior men can’t do childcare. The more senior you get, the more autonomy and flex you have and people fawn over senior dads doing drop off etc because it sets an example and looks good. Obviously when senior women do it, it is not seen in the same way annoyingly.

I think the hardest place is middle management. If you want to push on to director level roles you often have to be seen to be doing the hours or the juicy projects. Junior roles or very senior roles seem to actually be more manageable in some ways.

I meant not cut out for not working and staying at home.

OP, get a job. And your high earning husband can pick up the costs of a child minder, after school club etc.

In a job you can advance and profess to a point where eventually your earnings may be greater than the childcare costs. You will also be gaining financial independence and self esteem.

And your children will see a family in which both parents work, not one in which the man does all the work and the woman does all the childcare. This will prepare them for equal partnerships of their own when they are adults.

Get a job. It doesn’t matter if childcare exceeds your earnings to begin with. This isn’t about money, it’s about the kind of life you want.

I mean no denigration of SAHPs who signed up for that lifestyle, but you didn’t. Get a job. Your future self will bless you for it.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband and reframe his highly sexist thinking. Some may be happy and grateful to have a husband who can cover both so they can stay home. You clearly are not. It is wrong of him to treat this as your problem. The way I see this it is actually his problem - the childcare required is to enable him to work the long hours that he wants, (not just to allow you to return to work). Or at a minimum it is to enable both of you. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just assuming childcare is the default responsibility of the woman. This is not so since the child has two parents.

There is nothing wrong with an after school childminder or nanny or au pair. Look seriously at the options both for that and work for you.

If FT childcare bothers you - do PT work with a view to ramping up when you can. The world of work is changing and there are often far more options out there than there used to be.

Sounds like it would be work at a net loss in particular taking account pension and future prospects.

wouldn’t be work...

If you want a career then you need good childcare. Maybe at present what you could earn would not give you extra income after paying for a Nanny - but that will only be for a very few short years. AND the cost should come as much from his salary as yours.

When my DC were little and I was a SAHM, we still paid out for some child care out of my DH's salary. Because he was a high earner, we could afford it, and it was crucial I had some "me time" which his job wouldn't allow him to cover.

I also hope that you will be far more tolerant of parents and part timers when you go back to work. There are employers who value part timers and don't side line them to the "Mummy track", there are others who try to manage out women when they have babies. Try to change things.

It’s awful of me to want him to give up his success so I can have a bit for myself. I just feel like his achievement has come at the expense of my own.

But he's expecting you to give up your success so he can have his own. And worse than that, he doesn't even value your success, but just poaches your work and ideas as his own. Sorry OP but the more you say the more it sounds as if he has some very ingrained sexist attitudes. He needs a shake to wake him up to this. He probably doesn't even think of it as sexist.

It might be petty, but I'd stop helping him with his work. His work, his rewards, he can fucking getting on with it. And I'd explain that for your own sense of wellbeing you need a career. Not all careers can be judged on earnings. And as PP have said, it might mean taking a financial hit now, but it is an investment. He needs to contribute to childcare so that you can have your career back. That's his compromise. He doesn't have to give up his career, but he does have to pay for this.

The more senior you get, the more autonomy and flex you have

Somewhat of a sweeping generalisation

(particularly where travel is an integral part of the role)

You need to suck it up and pay for childcare now even if you end up at a loss as it’s only a short period of time

You say you don’t want to use paid childcare.
You are resentful of your husband earning enough so you can afford to stay at home.
So what do you want ? What were your plans when you decided to have a child. Who did you expect to look after your child whilst you were both working long hours. Why can’t you go back to that plan now ?

Don't look at your take home pay v childcare. That's not the issue unless it leaves you unable to make ends meet.
Look at your joint income and deduct childcare costs. Can your household still run? (Am guessing yes).

Next: don't look at your job in terms of this month's pay cheque. Look at it as your foot in door of protecting future earnings and progression, pension contributions, paid holiday, paid sick leave etc.

Then insist your husband looks at it like this as well.
He's being selfish here by not considering all his own responsibilities as well as your needs.

Agree with pp. Go back to work. Pay for childcare out of joint money. It WILL be worth it.

Don't rule out part-time working though. I work part - time in a professional senior and fulfilling role in the public sector. I'm definitely valued and respected. It is possible to find such roles. Granted - it took me bit longer to get here but the pay off has been a good work life balance.

Yes, travel is the killer.

Yes it is unacceptable you don’t want to sacrifice everything for him and it wasn’t the plan when you got pregnant

I think you really need to point all this out to him you are a team

I went part time for 6 years. It wasn't all roses, but I maintained my career through hard work and proving I was committed. Then I went back full time, a few years later my DH got made redundant, and had to take a lower paid job involving re-training. Currently I earn more than double what my DH earns. We'd have been royally stuffed without my salary.

So it's not just the worry of splitting up, BUT what isnon-negotiable is for both partners to take on their share. I am now a high earner, and am able to have much more flexibility than my DH. I can work from home now and again if needed, and I give the same flexibility to my employer. I have actually sought out this flexibility in my choices.

Isn't it strange how women are able to maintain high level careers with flexibility, but men absolutely CANNOT. I have a big team, and the men in my team never ask for flexible working (which I would be happy to consider!). I'm sure they tell their wives that its absolutely not possible. ...

I wouldn't rule out part time working either. I work 3 days a week, and yes I'm currently treading water and there is no career progression - but I'm also not going backwards. At the point at which the kids need me less, I'll have an up to date CV and skills to start moving on with. I get to use my brain 3 days a week, which makes me much more contented with the kids on my days off with then.

If he's so fantastic and so very senior, he can pay for the childcare.

He sounds like he's stepped out of the dark ages!

You need to look at what you want to do and then work out how to facilitate that.

Start part time then increase your hours. Lots of women do this.

I have been a SAHM for a long time and both children are in secondary school. Dh earns far more than I ever could and I never had a career just a job. We are both happy with this situation. I also have a disability which would make it difficult for me to work.

Don't look at the salary vs childcare cost. You are investing in yourself for the future. A small hit on finances now will be offset in the future.

Christ almighty

You have two options

• give up and “start a business”
• Get a nanny or childminder.

Hardly worth it means you are still clearing something and protection your options. I’d also consider a change in sector of possible there are lots of 9-5 jobs that pay fine.

Given how fancy your DH job is you aren’t on the breadline

Just go back to work and pay for childcare. Plenty of families have two parents working. Given you are so driven as you claim, it doesn't seem to match the not returning after maternity leave. He had been promoted by then so childcare costs were not an issue.

I don't think he needs to give up his job, you just need to get over the fact that childcare is needed if both parents work.

DuffBeer I mean if you’re part time and they know you have kids they treat you as someone whose just there to do your basic hours, they don’t expect extra commitment and you’re not on promotion track
Wow, that really is a broad,sweeping statement ( and not true of all industries)

I mean if you’re part time and they know you have kids they treat you as someone whose just there to do your basic hours, they don’t expect extra commitment and you’re not on promotion track
This is not my experience of the public sector and I've seen mums working flexible hours getting promoted. That's because despite being PT, they were amazing, dedicated, and committed. They would go home and do some extra work in the evening if they had to. There are also a number of single ms with jobs at the top.

They went back ft when their kids started secondary school. I don't think it is fair to expe t your OH to step down after he worked hard to get where he is just because you don't think you can succeed getting a career job unless you work 7am to 9pm.

This is a real bug best of mine. Of course he can step up but he is choosing not to.

We need more men (especially those in senior positions) to request/take advantage of flexible working so it starts to become the norm.

Being a parent doesn't mean you can't also be an excellent employee.
My DH is also very senior, earns double my salary but he has made it clear that on certain days he'll arrive and leave at normal times because he does pick ups and drop offs.
If DS is sick whoever has the most flexible day takes the day off.