AIBU to think I won’t be a gumtree murder statistic?

[Hiphopopotamus]

My big question here - will I get murdered?

My back is full of tension and I’m desperate for a massage but also incredibly skint, so I googled 'free massages'. I found myself on gumtree where I found an offer for a free one hour deep tissue massage in exchange for a review. It looks to be at a business address - ie, not someone's house and it explicitly says that it's a Male masseuse looking for serious people and that it is absolutely not a sexual service!

I've emailed and arranged to go next week - but is this insane?? It's a free massage found on gumtree so I obviously have many concerns. But if it's legitimate it's a really good offer. Just to say I am female and (usually) very streetwise and cautious!

So AIBU to think that I can turn up for a free massage with no risk of murder? 😂

@youknowmedontyou now it's a funny story, then it was skeevy & disgusting. Thing is, he was really gorgeous, but HELLO, get your cock off my face!

The guy rested his cock & balls on my forehead.

oh OP, have you never seen the Friends Episode where Ross pokes an old man with spoons??

friday afternoon cannot come soon enough for me!

Oyster babe

OP have you written your eulogy yet?

Good luck. let us know how it goes either way

@Vixxxy it was heavy too.

Was a masseuse years ago in a very posh spa, you really do get all sorts - one chap tried to grope me whilst lying on his front so I grabbed his arm and pulled it up behind his back, told him if he did it again he would be asked to leave. He was perfectly behaved after and left a huge tip which I used to buy all the staff a drink!
Another time, a beautiful woman came in, got naked and laid face up on the couch with her legs akimbo. I covered her and remained professional, at the end she asked if I would consider a threesome with her and her husband! I politely declined .

A friend did this a few years back. She took me along with her. We're both still alive, she said the massage was ok. I did not enjoy myself though.

It wasn't a great environment and I was quite creeped out if i'm honest. I was offered a can of coke whilst I waited, which was the best bit.

Oh my god I have spent a good 15 mins on the train snorting reading this thread. Thanks OP! I hope you survive to update us 😁

Unashamedly placemarking

I promise I’ll keep you all posted - I won’t just disappear (hopefully!!) There is every chance I will bottle it before Friday but if I do I’ll let you all know

I'm sorry I know it's awful and really not funny but the image of this guy randomly resting his cock and balls on someone's forehead

It rubs the lotion on its skin....

STOP I am crying 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Well if this thread is the last thing you do OP, at least you've put a smile on some MN'ers faces!

Don't you dare bottle it!

@Kittykat93 I'm sorry I know it's awful and really not funny but the image of this guy randomly resting his cock and balls on someone's forehead 

What do you think he was hoping my reaction would be? I mean, I'm pretty adventurous but

God, this reminds me of a sports massage for a neck / shoulder injury I had. It was in a weird shared office type business building. Creepy as fuck. Found it via the Yellow Pages, so it seemed legit. I swear the only people in this 100 office place were me and this sleazy podgy 50-something bloke. He smelt of BO and his hands were clammy.

I was so tense all the way through I swear it made it worse.

Didn't murder me though.

Be safe OP. Turn your tracking on on your phone.

Watching intently to see if op gets murdered

Well I’ve had an awful day* so thanks for cheering me up OP

*not as awful as yours is going to be on Friday when you get duct taped to a massage table

"Friday afternoon? Yes I can fit you in no problem, see you then"

Don't you dare bottle it!

Yes, you will never be welcome here again OP if you don't provide live updates on Friday. Take one for the team!

And what happens if you don't post back here after Friday? Shall we call the police? Your family? Luther?

God, I've missed threads like this that really make me laugh and read out bits to DH! Hope we'll still all be laughing on Friday night OP.....

OP, you cannot be serious????? You are either taking the mick or are very very silly, I don' t want to bet on which one but just in case it's the latter..

Don't take sweets off strangers either...or cross the road without looking.......... and the other million things you are taught as COMMON SENSE!!!!

Good luck tomorrow op! 🙈

Well today's the day!

Please please tell us if you are seriously going that you are at least taking someone with you!?