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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your thoughts on having two adults, a toddler and a newborn in a studio flat?

297 replies

0valtine · 06/02/2019 19:32

How practical do you think this is? Two adults, a boisterous toddler whos walking and into everything, and a newborn.

One room where you sit/cook/eat/play and then one bedroom. Tiny bathroom and no other space.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/02/2019 23:05

Actually I didn't miss a page after all, there were some cross posts

"he rejected the other one when they said he'd be expected to work mornings on the weekend (so no football for him) and he wasn't prepared to sacrifice football."
I would have been apoplectic about this.
He has a partner and children to support, he needs a bigger home for his family, he has debts to pay off, he is overworked and underpaid, and he turned down a better job because of his fucking FOOTBALL Angry

He's "fussy" but what it boils down to is that HE DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING TO CHANGE. He doesn't want to change jobs, he doesn't want to relocate or even move house by the sounds of it.

He knows the situation is NOT good for his partner or his children. And he doesn't give a shit.

LTB. I'm surprised you haven't already tbh.

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 23:07

Fwiw I was on contraception that should have prevented pregnancy. It's a bit pointless for me to be worrying about extra contraception now. Hindsight and all that.

We could absolutely afford this baby if we lived elsewhere, hell we could afford a holiday every year on top aswell if he wasn't insistent on living in the most expensive part of the UK.

I have friends up north who bring in less than we did with our then-combined incomes and have a better quality of life by far. Cheaper childcare, cheaper rent, cheaper local amenities.

It's not the baby that's the problem it's him. I'm pretty sure most family men in his situation would just suck it up and leave. I don't know why he thinks he's entitled to pit himself first when there are four of us to think of.

I'm going to go and have a chat with somebody at the council, explain our situation and see what help (if any) would be available to help me relocate privately, with or without him.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/02/2019 23:08

I'm so angry on your behalf. I think you've let him get away with being a selfish shit for too long already. Please stop.

AnotherEmma · 06/02/2019 23:09

Cross post. Glad you plan to talk to the council. Hope they can help or at least point you in the right direction.

skunkatanka · 06/02/2019 23:11

Do you think maybe that you should have considered this some months ago?

Bubastes · 06/02/2019 23:11

She did. That's kind of the point of the thread.

WorriedMum11 · 06/02/2019 23:16

It's not the space - although that's tough - it doesn't matter in some ways that it's done in other parts of the world - it's the fact that you don't have to do this - and the only reason you are is because your 'D'P is a selfish shit.

My first (I think) LTB.

Schmoobarb · 06/02/2019 23:17

For a week’s holiday - yes
To live - no

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 23:23

I've approached the council previously before I had DS whilst I was still in work, I wasn't offered any solid advice or direction only told there's no help available 1) because I wasn't homeless 2) because there's nothing available and 3) I haven't lived here long enough to qualify anyway.

That's why we ended up in this flat, as a stop gap. We had agreed between us that it would need to be temporary, then we'd need to move.

He was on board with moving then once I became a SAHM and had no financial independence he said no I don't want to move out of London at all.

He then agreed to, again, and back tracked twice.

I'm in this situation now because he has dragged his heels and strung me along.

I kept trying to make him see sense because I didn't want to break up the family and take his children away from him to be a single parent struggling with PND alone, I was hopeful he'd realise this situation isn't tenable but am now realising I'm fighting a losing battle.

OP posts:
Mmmhmmm · 06/02/2019 23:23

We feel we're outgrowing our 1 bedroom flat and it's just 2 adults and a 9 month old. Our kitchen is a separate room.

2 adults, a toddler, and a newborn in it sounds awful.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 06/02/2019 23:24

This is a ridiculous way to live, you can't afford to live in London on that salary. Have salaries for manual labour in London gone down? My husband was a builder in London in the early 90s and got paid more than that then! We lived in a one bedroomed flat with a tiny garden, it was a lovely flat for two people but when we had a baby we realised that we weren't enjoying London any more so moved to Cork in Ireland where we paid less rent for a beautiful four bedroomed house. I had PND in London which unsurprisingly got a lot better after we moved! For goodness sake make sure your contraception is fool proof and make your plans to move away with your children and leave this selfish man behind.

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 23:28

What pisses me off is that I've become the unreasonable one in his eyes, I'm the nag who is desperate to drag him away from everything he knows and isolate him.

It's all poor him being railroaded into moving when he doesn't want to.

Poor him, he'll never see his DF

Poor him, he'll have to travel miles into London if he wanted to see his DF or football friends

Poor him having to leave the place he has grown up and the only life he's ever known.

He conveniently forgets that I have family here too who are a damn site more supportive than his, so I would be sacrificing more in the grand scheme of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 23:29

Sorry to clarify, he isn't a builder

He does a manual job but it's not in construction.

It's not a skilled job and he could do it anywhere, there are always jobs in that sector available for people who'll do them.

OP posts:
BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 06/02/2019 23:30

We are in the home counties, OH works on the underground and commutes in. Its barely affordable and we are in a small flat with one reasonable sized room and a boxroom we've had to squeeze the two kids into. The living space isn't bad, I'm good at organising and designing where things should be.

But its not the most ideal.

Your situation is just a huge NOPE from me.

I hope the council can help.

Singlenotsingle · 06/02/2019 23:31

You don't even have to move oop north. Essex is cheaper than London. You could probably get a 2 bed place for £700pm

Mmmhmmm · 06/02/2019 23:31

Did you post about this before? It's all sounding really familiar. 🤔

WorriedMum11 · 06/02/2019 23:31

You know the answer OP. It must be so so hard but it'll get harder when baby arrives you have a month or so to get yourself sorted - good luck x

moredoll · 06/02/2019 23:37

Your housing situation is dire. Talk to your health visitor, with pictures of the damp and tell her your.toddler often has to stay in his cot because he bangs into things. Also, when you're in hospital for the birth can you arrange to see the hospital social worker?
You say you don't meet the five years residency to go on the housing waiting list but does he? If so he needs to get himself down to the housing office and register asap.
But I agree with other posters. I think moving further out is the answer. He could still travel in for the football.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2019 23:38

The problem is with the council, whilst you're still with him, they will be reluctant to help. You might have to do it the other way round.

You only get one life op. Well, probably.

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 23:44

@Mmmhmmm yep, I've posted about this before. I made some headway with him afterwards (or so he had me believe) but then he back tracked, again. I despair.

RE council. He has been here long enough yes, but as were not homeless were not priority and would be waiting years upon years for anything suitable. People have been waiting 10+ years for a home here.

I've approached the council pre-DS and they were useless. He's phoned up for advice recently, equally as useless.

OP posts:
Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 23:45

I'm going to approach the council again but from a different standpoint, instead of enquiring about local social housing I'm going to reiterate that I need help in relocating completely via the private sector because I can't afford to live here.

OP posts:
moredoll · 06/02/2019 23:47

The council might well be useless but you'll have no chance at all if.you're not on the waiting list.

Original poster
0valtine · 06/02/2019 23:49

I have no animosity toward the council btw. I don't believe they're responsible to house us or should have to. We're two able bodied adults who are perfectly capable of putting a roof over our children's heads, just not in the most expensive part of the country.

OP posts:
PennyandVince · 06/02/2019 23:50

I meant more permament contraception for ensuring you don't have a 3rd one given this one was unplanned. Unlikely he will agree to a vasectomy but you could. You can't afford any more.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 06/02/2019 23:51

I know you didn't say he was a builder, I was just pointing out that 1400 pm is a very low wage for London, I was getting paid that in 1991 and I was living in a shared house. its just not feasible for four people to live on this in London and have any quality of life, as you are finding out! If he won't consider moving, you know what you have to do. He's a selfish prick, its time to move on. As you say his footy is more important to him than you are.

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