To ask your thoughts on having two adults, a toddler and a newborn in a studio flat?

[0valtine]

How practical do you think this is? Two adults, a boisterous toddler whos walking and into everything, and a newborn.

One room where you sit/cook/eat/play and then one bedroom. Tiny bathroom and no other space.

Thoughts?

I'm not going to get sterilized, I'm 25.

There's every chance I may want more children in 10+ years when I'm financially stable and have been back in work for a long period of time. I may meet somebody completely different later on down the line. I won't rob myself of that possibility if I ever did consider it just because he has trapped me in a crap situation.

I won't be living here in a decade, not even half of one.

I can absolutely afford my children, what I can't afford is to have them here.

I earned an average wage before becoming a SAHM, in other parts of the country I wouldn't struggle with two DC, or even three.

However. I have no intention of having any more children for a very long time, if ever. I just don't want to rule it out by taking drastic measures and removing my fertility permanently.

I'm going to have an implant after DD is born, on top of the mini pill I was already taking.

Doesn't your DP have some older children from a previous relationship? Isn't that why he was reluctant to move away?

Check out flats in Hong Kong... they will have three or four generations in 400sqft or so sometimes. They've become, along with Japan, the masters of sizing the items in the home, making sure they stack/tesselate and using the vertical space well for storage. It's pretty impressive when you see how resourceful some people are at making the most of a limited resource pool. IKEA is quite good for that kind of thing as many of the lines can be customised (by you). I made a great two tier music equipment desk with record and pedal storage underneath for a fraction of the cost of a bespoke solution.

Youre in a really vulnerable position, the only rights you have are whatever you signed on the tenancy agreement with this boyfriend, and you’ve given up your job and contributing to your pension to live in a room as a single parent? Fuck that. Ditch the deadweight boyfriend and leave him to his shitty room, he makes you life worse and now there’s soon to be two kids dragged into a life with a useless father who puts them in danger (suffocating on the sofa and burns from your previous posts)

Fair enough. I didn't realise you were that young. My apologies.
Just be aware that he will not budge because if he wanted to he would have done by now. Youw ill need to sort out the move because if you wait for him to agree he won't do it.

What did you do before becoming a sahm? Could you earn more than him in a day job? Then he looks after the DC during the day and gets a job on weekends to bring in more income. You move to get the better paid job.

"He works nights all week and is only here during the day to sleep so is barely around the place to feel the full impact of how cramped we are. It's driving me mad."

How ON EARTH does he expect that to work when it's depths of winter and there's 2 mobile noisy children in the flat?!

Why are SOME Londoners so absolutely against the idea of living elsewhere?!

"It's basically fuck me and the kids, isn't it." Yep!

He's being utterly fucking ridiculous!

A dummy calculation I did for you on turn2us says you could be eligible for:

Ctc 277.42
CB 89.70
Council tax support 45.33 (but I picked a random postcode in London)
Working tax credit 44.55

Total 456.99

Plus your partners 1400.00

Don't know if that helps any temporarily.

Honestly? In your shoes i'd be telling him to get a fucking clue, stop being a selfish twat and work with you in finding you all somewhere bigger, cheaper, with job opportunities for you and reasonably priced childcare. And if he can't get on board with that you and kids are off! I'm pretty sure that better living conditions would mean you'd cope much better than even losing his minimal "help" does.

His priorities are:

1 football
2 London/friends/father (I'm wondering what the fuck kind of father HE has that he thinks this is an acceptable way to BE a father!)
3 job (but only because it enables 1&2 in his eyes)
3 his sleep
4 DS
5 you
6 baby - I'd be surprised if he's thinking about the new baby at all tbh

You don't deserve to be such a low priority nobody does! The children DEFINITELY don't.

He's a selfish knob!

Whoops I misnumbered

His priorities are:

1 football
2 London/friends/father (I'm wondering what the fuck kind of father HE has that he thinks this is an acceptable way to BE a father!)
3 job (but only because it enables 1&2 in his eyes)
4 his sleep
5 DS
6 you
7 baby - I'd be surprised if he's thinking about the new baby at all tbh

You don't deserve to be such a low priority nobody does! The children DEFINITELY don't.

He's a selfish knob!

You're 6th! That's appalling!

If he wants to stay, and you want to stay with him; that could be ok, IF something else changes instead. He needs to get a better job, with better hours (9-5 min-fri type) so that you could get an evening job. His current job has a shit wage and shit hours.

This is a long-shot, but there are companies in London who hire people to be guardians in vacant property. It may not be possible to do it with children, but thought I'd mention for anyone else reading the thread and experiencing homelessness.
Example company
www.oaksurepropertyprotection.com/property-guardians/

The live in guardian scheme caught my attention a while ago, I'd have loved to go down that route but from what research I did do it seems it's not possible to do with children.

It's a shame because I quite like the idea of it!

To the PP who did a benefits calculation for me thanks for that, I'll make sure I'm claiming everything I'm able to. We're not currently getting a CT reduction so this is worth looking into for sure.

Perhaps massive naivety on my part but I didn't think we'd be entitled on the basis that he works full time. I need to look into that asap.

I'm not very familiar with HB and council tax reduction benefit.

RE space saving we currently have as little bulky furniture as possible. The sofa is the property of the landlord and came with the flat, it's a large L-shape and we could do with something much smaller. I'm not sure if he'd be prepared to put it into storage to enable us to get a second hand smaller one. Might be worth an ask.

As it's clear I'll still be here when baby arrives imminently what I'm thinking of doing is putting DS cot in the living room area and having baby in with me in the bedroom or vice versa, so baby doesn't disturb DS in the night. It's not ideal but will have to act as a temporary measure until I make a concrete plan.

His DF has been telling him for months to get on the housing register aswell but he hasn't done it yet.

He gave up his part of a housing association tenancy here years ago after a relationship break up. He shared the place with his then partner and moved out when they split up. He thinks this will make him void for any future assistance with the council, that coupled with the lack of available housing and the fact were not currently homeless means it doesn't look good for us.

If I were to present to the council and say I want to leave the current property and relationship then I'd be classed as making myself intentionally homeless. It's a minefield to get council accommodation here even for those in the most dire of situations, the fact I have a roof over my head is good enough in their eyes which I suppose it is in comparison to people having to sleep rough or on the floor of a friends house for example.

Never assume re benefits. Use the calculators (but bear in mind they are guidelines and that pp & I don't know the full correct details to input. Postcode in particular makes a huge difference), get advice from welfare and debt advisors (that 250 a month is insane and I wonder what interest you're paying on that too)

Personally I have found welfare rights office (in most council offices), shelter and Christians against poverty have been the most on the ball on this stuff when I've needed advice.

Also it's not as busy as it used to be on the forums but the main website is still well run with good advice - money saving expert.

I'm also wondering where on earth you're living even in London to be paying such a high rent! I looked up 1 bed flats London on rightmove and I was on page 30 low-high before I was getting close to that kind of rent!

I know London is expensive generally but it seems you must be living in an expensive borough too. Which makes your partner even more ridiculous! Because I'm guessing that's been his preference rather than yours.

I lived in London briefly myself and friends and family still there but not being daft and living in places they can't afford!

My friend and her DH live in a small one bedroom flat with DD(3), DS(5months) and a DC due this summer. No plans to move. They could afford to, but she'd rather bank a ton of money when her kids are young and they all co sleep anyway. It can work if you want it to work.

The housing situation all over the country is absolutely dire! It's disgusting the govts since thatcher have allowed it to continue to worsen for no reason other than political ideology!

I'm in west of Scotland a part of the U.K. people think of as cheap and easy to get housing. It's not particularly. When I was private renting (small 2 bed) I was £500 pcm. I'm now in HA but it took 9 years nearly and dd and I both disabled. There simply aren't the properties available and councils aren't funded/allowed to build more which is an utterly ridiculous stance to take.

Personally I think instigating a U.K. Wide policy of massively increasing social housing by both building and renovating vacant properties would not only provide housing but also jobs and would stimulate the economy.

I am not an economics expert by any means but I was recently asking someone who is and I was stating my (I thought) naive & simple ideas on that and minimum wage increase and the economist actually said I was right, but that it suits govts to have people struggling as people who are concerned with their personal basic needs not being met don't have the mental space to consider whether the govts doing as they should. In other words it's the perfect distraction from whatever they're up to!

But...back to you.

Yea, your partners being a dick! It's not good for children's development not to have enough space either.

I've been a childminder and that's relating only to usually a max 9 hours a day even if the childminder has a garden there's a minimum square footage set by the council that determines how many children a childminder can look after.

It might prove interesting to look up your councils regulations on that and see how they compare to your current abode.

Horrible man.

@Graphista what is Ctc?

He gave up his part of a housing association tenancy here years ago after a relationship break up. He shared the place with his then partner and moved out when they split up. He thinks this will make him void for any future assistance with the council

AFAIK relationship breakdown is a valid reason for leaving a property. Citizens Advice will know.
You wouldn't be housed immediately but that's not a reason not to register on the waiting list. What is concerning is the possible effect on your DCs development and your mental health.

Pennyandvince (just good friends?)

Child tax credits

Hmmm....trouble is if you moved further out and he couldn’t find a job, then the cheaper rent would be offset by commuting costs. I lived within an hour of London in various parts of the Home Counties and the average season ticket into London was about £4K. I paid £895 to rent a 2-bed flat in Herts (about 40 mins to Liverpool St) and a season ticket then (2013/14) was £4K, so although OP would have more space, she wouldn’t necessarily have more money. Leaving London isn’t always practical; pretty much anywhere else you need a car and jobs aren’t that plentiful. I’d look at moving to an outer borough as a compromise.

On another note, I didn’t think there was a housing register anymore? My friend lives in a London Borough and in her late 30s still lives with her parents as in her borough you have to have a certain number of points to be able to bid on a property. She’s been on the councils list almost 20 years (you have to ask them to allocate points) but has never had enough points to be able to bid.

Leaving London isn’t always practical; pretty much anywhere else you need a car and jobs aren’t that plentiful

Oh come thats bollocks about the jobs, £1400 take home is less than £20k pa, you can earn that in or around any city and rent a 2 bed house for half what the OP is paying now. The OP says her DH can do his job anywhere and it is likely she could get a bit of part time work if her DH wasn't so selfish and refusing to do any childcare.

Yes they might need a car but presumably they're paying tube or bus fares now anyway.

Which areas up north are you interested in living OP? Pick an area you think you’ll like. Then look at job availability, housing, things for you and the kids to do, etc. Cost it. Start imagining yourself there.
Tell DP that you are researching moving north and intend to move when baby is a few months old. He can either come or not but you will be moving.
It’s worth pointing out to him that if he stays in the flat in London he will be paying child support to you.

Then allow yourself to daydream about your future better life. It can happen. It will take a bit of time and planning.

I think consider staying with your mum once the baby arrives if she has space until you can both agree on a better compromise for the whole family.

it sounds awful I don't think it can continue long term. Just for comparison we live near Newcastle my husband works in a factory he earns 1300 after tax for day shift plus he then gets time and a half for Saturday overtime which he usually does. My little boy has just started school I work 2 days only 9 hours a week round drop off snd pick up and am studying I earn 330 a month. I was a sahm at first and we got a bit less than my wages in tax credits. Our mortgage for a decent sized 2 bed flat with big garden is 440 a month. To rent similar property is about 500/ 550 but in different areas/ no garden you could get cheaper , With houses probably about 600/800 depending on area and size. So you could have a much much better life somewhere else. We live really close to the beach which is lovley and there is plenty to do. you could come North and get a much nicer family life for your children but if he honestly don't budge at all I think you need to consider your relationship as honestly if it was say for a year whilst you saved for a bigger place I'd say stick it out but you can't save do how long is he going to leave you all stuck in this situation ?