To ask your thoughts on having two adults, a toddler and a newborn in a studio flat?

[0valtine]

How practical do you think this is? Two adults, a boisterous toddler whos walking and into everything, and a newborn.

One room where you sit/cook/eat/play and then one bedroom. Tiny bathroom and no other space.

Thoughts?

"get advice from welfare and debt advisors (that 250 a month is insane and I wonder what interest you're paying on that too)"

I said this myself several pages back but OP didn't respond

🤷🏻‍♀️

I advise on benefits and debts and literally the first thing I would do is a benefits check, then I would look at the debt and the possibility of a write off or smaller repayments.

The question about social housing is a red herring really given that there is so little available. However there is no harm in applying. All the councils work differently and I'm not in London but in every council there will be a system for working out priority. People waiting years and years will be low priority and people who are top priority will be found something. However I've heard of people in London being offered help to relocate elsewhere, I don't know whether it's actually the case or not.

OP if you try the council again and they're unhelpful, I suggest you talk to Shelter or Citizens Advice. You should talk to Citizens Advice anyway about benefits and the debt.

A quick look at Rightmove shows loads of 2+ bedroom places too rent fir 700/1000 per month. I know it's a lot but could you compromise on moving somewhere in london that is within budget but bigger?

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/find.html?locationIdentifier=REGION%5E87490&insId=1&minPrice=700&maxPrice=1000&minBedrooms=2&googleAnalyticsChannel=renting

@oneweekleft
OP has already said it won't be possible to stay with her mum as she lives un sheltered accommodation and isnt allowed guests overnight

I know it's a lot but could you compromise on moving somewhere in london that is within budget but bigger

Yes aren’t you the poster who’s partners older children live in London which is why he doesn’t want to move up north?

I think if you were both working full time it would be easier as you wouldn’t be stuck in and the toddler could play at nursery.

@lightlypoached aren't they all house shares? So the £750 per month is for the one room and they would need to share with someone else?

OP there is a man like this my extended family, he is utterly fixed on always staying in the same impractical house for unclear reasons, however unhappy it makes him, his wife and kids. He has autism, although in addition to that he is a selfish person.

I would say that nothing will change his mind - no amount of logic, or discussions, or presenting alternative plans, or talking about the future.

It sounds like your dp actually has a pretty miserable life himself - apart from football once a week he is basically working in a bad night job or sleeping or exhausted in the flat. For some reason he won't move even though it is making him unhappy!! So I think trying to reason with him won't work. He isn't even willing to move to improve his own quality of life!

I think your own solution sadly is to leave the relationship and forge ahead on your own. I understand this isn't what you want and will be difficult, but otherwise you will be having the same discussions with your dh in five years time.

Could any of your relatives lend you some money to help you move into a new place?

Would your dh oppose you taking the kids to a new area?

Do you have any roots in other areas of the country?

Sorry but I don’t understand all the ‘poor OP’ posts. Yes her DP is selfish but she’s not a total victim and doesn’t appear to make good choices.

She jacked in her job in her early 20s to be a SAHM in London with a low earning man who she’s not married to. The fact they are trapped in a tiny flat with one low wage isn’t only the fault of the boyfriend. I’m sure there are more sides to this story.

Why a double pram? I really would do sling/backcarrier or buggy board and single pram, especially in London.

I suggest you have a pamper session away and leave him alone with the Toddler -ideally for a weekend and see what he thinks about how manageable it is.

If you aren't married then I would be seriously considering leaving and relocating where you can afford to live. In the olden days this would have consituted and you'd have been able to get social housing.

You can't be expected to keep a toddler and a baby quiet whilst he sleeps next door after a night shift so I think he might change his mind pdq once the baby arrives.

Even if the boyfriend agreed to move the simple fact is you have no money to do so and no job to go to.
I want to know where this magical place up north ( or anywhere) is that housing is cheap , don’t need deposits or financial checks to get a tennacy and unskilled jobs are ten a penny.

The boyfriend is getting a right slagging on here but although de doesn’t sound perfect it does sound like he is doing his best. He earns around £20k per annum if he brings home £1400 per month. Working nights will have given him a slight premium on his basic wage so no doubt if he went on to days his wage would drop. The loan was to get the flat when the first baby was coming so it wasn’t money he spunked away enjoying himself.
The simple fact is they are skint and unskilled in an expensive part of the country. She needs to be looking for ways to make her living space work at least for a few years and hopefully then get back into employment herself.

@unfinishedkitchen has a point. The op hasn't made the best decisions but looking at the situation as it is then she needs to insist on moving. It'll be really hard to move without him, she'll need to find a job once she's had the baby. Talk to citizens advice about the debt though.

The boyfriend is getting a right slagging on here but although de doesn’t sound perfect it does sound like he is doing his best.

His best is: squirrelling £32 a month away for his own luxuries while the OP gets no luxuries of her own and is struggling to make family finances meet. Leaving the OP alone with the toddler every single weekend to do his hobby, while she gets no free time. Snoozing instead of keeping an eye on his kids. Not contributing to housework. Making promises he then breaks. Refusing to compromise. Undermining his commitments to her: saying he'll "visit" if she wants to move. Turning down a job with much better hours because it would interfere with his precious football. What a low bar "best" is for men.

I suggest you have a pamper session away and leave him alone with the Toddler

Yes, because this sounds totally feasible on the OPs budget . Not to mention the fact that her DP has a habit of falling asleep while looking after DS, as she has mentioned several times.

Oneweekleft
OP can’t move in with her mum as she lives in sheltered accommodation and can’t have overnight visitors.

'Pamper weekend'?? Seriously?? What planet do some people live on

God no. I can't even share a bedroom with DH regularly. I need my own room!
That would be my idea of hell-I live in the countryside in 1600sqft, just me and DH plus 3 cats and I am panicking that there won't be room for the baby.

I'd do it obviously as a way to avoid homelessness - but out of choice? No way. There is a lovely life to be had outside of London - you'd never catch me moving back!

"Bekabeech

I suggest you have a pamper session away and leave him alone with the Toddler -ideally for a weekend and see what he thinks about how manageable it is."

FFS really??? 😂😂😂 Only on MN would someone think this is reasonable advice to give someone in the OP's situation.

We had this for a while until we moved when second child was toddler. We had 1 bedroom, no garden or drive. It was hard! We had to use living room as another bedroom at night (sofa bed) It was fine with one child but tough with two. Different sleep time etc.. having to watch things on mute in living room as baby asleep in there.

@0valtine

"Mmmhmmm yep, I've posted about this before. I made some headway with him afterwards (or so he had me believe) but then he back tracked, again. I despair."

I sorta remember the other thread. He's never going to change, he's still treating you and the kids as the lowest priority and breaking his promises. You can't trust him or anything he says. I'd start making serious plans for a life without him and far away from London.

"I suggest you have a pamper session away and leave him alone with the Toddler -ideally for a weekend"

"Pamper weekend'?? Seriously?? What planet do some people live on" quite! 🙄

Plus he's previously neglected the child when in sole charge of him to the point of the child's safety being at risk.

"You can't be expected to keep a toddler and a baby quiet whilst he sleeps next door after a night shift" noise doesn't bother him he's regularly slept through the child crying before.

"What a low bar "best" is for men." Yep! Totally agree with your whole post.

This guy has not and will not truly accept he now has responsibilities as a partner and father. Head in sand about 8ft down!

What area are you in?

Where does he work/how long is his commute?

How much do you pay for this flat?

These are very relevant questions.

I'd tell him I was moving and he's welcome to come, or not.

AFAIK relationship breakdown is a valid reason for leaving a property.

It rather depends in what sense you mean"valid", and if his name is still on the tenancy.

Where I work, the council would regard you as intentionally homeless if you were applying for help under homelessness law, because you voluntarily gave up your right to live there. They would also tell you that if your name is still on the tenancy, you have the right to live there, unless prevented from doing so under a court order.

Harsh, but with social housing in such short supply, they tend to take the strictest possible interpretation of the law. I have also supported clients to get advice from a specialist housing lawyer about this, and she said that the council's interpretation of the law on intentionality wasn't challengable.

OP, if nothing else do a benefit check online and see if you would be entitled to any more money. You can't get housing benefit any more, it would have to be Universal Credit, but when I ran a calculation (on the software used by benefit advisers) it gave a figure of nearly £1,000 a month in Universal Credit.

I used a postcode for the Streatham area (Lambeth Council) it will vary from place to place as the maximum amount allowed for rent varies according to where you live.

And please try and get him to go on the housing register. You won't get social housing for years, but they may be able to help you with a low interest loan for deposit/rent in advance and they may have connections with private landlords who will accept tenants that the council put forward.