To ask your thoughts on having two adults, a toddler and a newborn in a studio flat?

[0valtine]

How practical do you think this is? Two adults, a boisterous toddler whos walking and into everything, and a newborn.

One room where you sit/cook/eat/play and then one bedroom. Tiny bathroom and no other space.

Thoughts?

They do have football teams all over the country though (although all weekend god his selfishness knows no bounds)

The thing is OP you now have 2 children you need to prioritise as does he

You say he does manual labouring type work, so he could do that anywhere. There are plenty of cheaper places to live in the country. You don't seem to be getting any of the benefits of London, just the expense of it.

I know you said you wouldn't necessarily want to live near his mother, but if you did take Ipswich as an example you could get something like this for much lower rent: www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-69911482.html

or a 2 bed maisonette like this: www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-69495397.html

Presumably your husband could work days rather than nights, and then maybe you could work evenings a couple of times per week to give you more income.

I don't think your current living situation is tenable.

Can you and the DC go to your Mum's whilst you sort out moving away?

To be honest, it's marriage ruining to live in those conditions. I've done it, probably the most stressful years of my life. We moved out of the most expensive city in the UK and moved about 2 hours away to the outskirts of an unpopular city to rent, but at least we rent a house which in which it is possible to have a family life. All the best op I know it's not easy

It is very clear you need to move. He is being so selfish. This is no way to live!

I have now read your updates. You need to move. He needs to understand that it's not all about him.

So you're living in a cold, damp, mouldy (I would guess) poky flat with no amenities, damp clothes everywhere; no plans to leave, you don't get any luxuries and have to budget like crazy but he leaves you alone every weekend with the toddler and baby to tit about on a football field for £32 a month? If you wrote up a pro/con list about staying with him or leaving, would there be anything positive about staying? Love isn't enough if you love someone as selfish as this. How long can you live like this with him making empty promises to move, then reneging? A year? Five?

He wouldn't even budge if I were to suggest Ipswich. It doesn't matter to him that he'd be close to his DM there as they barely have a relationship, he's seen her once in the past two years and before she left London they were never close.

Me and the DC can't stay with my own DM because she's in sheltered accommodation and not allowed overnight guests let alone live in ones

I spend all day tidying and sorting the flat only for it to look like a bombs hit it come tea time. The cooking area is tiny, I have one counter tops worth of space to prepare and plate up food because the rest of the counter space is taken up by the hob, the sink and the draining board.

The sink is shallow so water splashes everywhere every time I wash up the dishes.

I can touch the kitchen cupboards from the corner of the sofa.

You couldn't swing a cat in here

I'd be concerned that the baby will wake the toddler, so you (sofa bed) and baby (Moses basket then cot) may need to sleep in lounge. And longer term agree you on sofa bed in lounge and the dc share the bedroom.

Hope you can embrace the minimal. And make the most of free activities, library sessions, parks etc to get out and burn off some energy.

How long left with the loan repayments?

You can't afford to live in London on one modest wage. 2 dc close together childcare will wipe out a 2nd wage, so you'll need to work around each other. If he works nights and sleeps in the day, can you do early evening or morning work? Can your mum mind the kids? Will the eldest get free childcare hours age 2?

Why is he so tired that he can't be left with the kids?

But really, the problem is that he's the one calling all the shots and not willing to compromise or look for a workable solution. Yes you can just about survive. But just surviving is miserable.

Maybe take a look at this blog for some ideas: www.600sqft.com/

It doesn't sound ideal TBH, but people do do it.

what housework does he do?

None of you will get any sleep.

He does sod all housework apart from changing the bin when prompted. He's cleaned the bathroom once in the two years we've lived here. He does washing once in a blue moon.

He is hands on with DS when he gets in from work and when he's off work (and conscious) so I don't mind too much about doing the lions share of housework as I have nothing else to do during the day besides look after DS so it keeps me busy and stops me sitting on the sofa staring at the 4 walls.

I feel bad for poor DS who spends more time than he should, in his travel cot, because he's forever running around and banging into everything in such a confined space.

I try to get out as much as possible to do free activities but the weather is miserable at the moment.

I don’t think men always see or want to see the effect living conditions have on a woman and the amount of extra work and stress poor accommodation creates. I have similar problems despite listing the issues he still says but it would be nice to stay! But I’ve made it very clear I’m moving with or without him it’s his choice.
I think you need to decide what you’re going to do long term because he’ll just want to stay in that flat. Do you want to move after the baby is born so you get some help and support from your mother during the first six months or so? Research areas to move to, possibly somewhere your mother could get to easily by train. How much benefits would you get, if necessary go to citizens advice to find out. Are there any charity/other trusts etc that may help with finances? Could you move your furniture and white goods in a hired van whilst your mother looks after the children and would a friend help with the move?
I live in a fairly expensive part of the north and 3 beds rent for between £500 and £800 a month, it depends on the type of house.
Unfortunately it’s going to be down to you make any changes.

Oh he will get sleep, he could sleep through anything, it's me and DS who will suffer once the baby arrives

Have you asked him what his long term plan is?

Well, when the baby wakes the toddler up, you wake him up to deal with the toddler while you sort the baby out. I would.

I have asked him about his long term plan and he has none, other than thinking the council will eventually help here which they won't.

Working and looking after two children both require sleep so he doesn't get to play the "But work" card.

what is your plan then as to be honest he does nothing but add stress to your life

why are you letting him lead the decision when its not good for 3 other people

OP what about £950 for a 2 bed flat (with separate kitchen) in South East London? 15 mins to London bridge, 20 mins to Waterloo east, 25 mins to Brixton, 30 mins to Victoria?

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent/property-58178682.html

When does he enjoy the benefits of living in London when he's either at work, asleep or playing football and you have no money?

£8 a week or £35 pm personal spends is actually quite a lot on such a tight budget. Half of that money should be yours if it is actually spare, which I'm not sure it is, after food, bills etc.

Honestly you just need to make a leaving plan.

Op doesn't have any money to move... deposit, bond etc

This is just too depressing for words OP.

Get yourself out of there. ASAP. You can't do this to the kids, or yourself.

If DC2 is a bad sleeper (long term), it will make your poor DC1's life a complete misery.