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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Misogynistic Teen Boys

206 replies

livinginaweirdworld · 06/02/2019 10:59

I have name changed for this due to some outing details.

I work in an all boys school, these are very bright boys in a selective school. But the sexist and misogynistic words I hear coming from them even in year 7 and 8 absolutely astounds me.

I have spoken to them when I hear them speaking like this, but they literally dont give any fucks whatsoever.

I have done tutorials on these subjects, I have asked how they would feel if there mum or sister were spoken about like this and they still do not care.

I am talking about rape being banter (akin to the Warwick Uni students), calling a girl frigid as she wouldn't send nudes or give them a blow job. Saying they were going to dump a girl as she wouldn't take it up the arse. They also seem to think women in the workplace will always be inferior as they have to go off and make babies and leave the bosses and the men with the proper work.

The treat female members of staff with disdain and contempt. Admittedly some of them treat male members just as badly but nowhere near as many as the female staff.

Where is this attitude coming from? I would say a good 75% of the students here have this attitude. Not all of them can get that from poor parenting surely?

AIBU as a woman to want to take my 2 daughters and move to Mars to get away from this kind of society?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 07/02/2019 08:28

Banter among young girls will be as crude as the boys and yes will include rape and anal sex. It’s probably a reflection of the society we live in

How much experience do you have amongst groups of girls to suggest this as fact? Because it’s directly opposite to my experience

zippey · 07/02/2019 08:28

NAGALT and NABALT of course.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/02/2019 08:39

It was the same at my all male boarding school 40 years ago. Teenage boys are the most disgusting creatures on earth, and the only way to change them is to scare the living shit out of them.

Clavinova · 07/02/2019 09:05

DoctorDread
It does go on sadly clavinova, so perhaps stop troll hunting

I don't believe that the op has reported boys to senior management and parents, openly talking about raping girls, calling a girl frigid as she wouldn't send nudes or give them a blow job. Saying they were going to dump a girl as she wouldn't take it up the arse - and that SLT and parents were not in the slightest bit horrified.

Out of earshot of teachers - maybe.

hopingforhappiness
Also, as the question has been asked (not remotely relevant) we are in a predominantly white area

I think it's a valid question - someone has already posted ,Rap videos now seem to be literally a 4 minute tirade about "ho's and bitches, money, drugs. I was wondering if the op worked in an inner city school. The (state) selective schools nearest to me are largely non-white as well, although predominantly Asian - therefore the question is relevant to me.

TheManFromHellMonte

But I do find it disconcerting to find so many 13/14 year olds on Instagram looking like underwear models with sexy poses. It’s more a question of why they are doing it

Just for attention I think, and to get more followers on Instagram - all of the comments I saw were favourable, eg. stunner, look at you, wide-eyed emojis, red hearts, wolf whistles...

Most of the unsavoury comments I saw on Instagram (posted by 13/14/15 year old boys) was gay banter.

Clavinova · 07/02/2019 09:26

were

KellyanneConway · 07/02/2019 09:36

My lovely 11 year old DSD was called a slag and that her skirt was so short "you could smell the fish" by a year 7 boy. This was over text, DH and I have seen them. There was worse dished out to her friend. I won't go into the aftermath now but I believe the girls came off worse than the boys in terms of the effects it had on them and the lack of consequences for the boy. This is not banter this is bullying, designed to belittle girls and put them right in their place. And nor do the girls give back anything close to similar kinds of verbal abuse, not least because there is no equivalent insult for girls to give to boys, nor is there the sexist and misogynistic history and context to the exchange that facilitates these insults (standards and censorship for the way females dress and behave that do not apply to males).

CherryPavlova · 07/02/2019 09:37

That’s not my experience of teenagers or young men. Most of the ones I’ve had contact with have been very respectful and almost in awe of their female counterparts. They are much more confident and comfortable in mixed company than their father’s were at the same age.

My experience is that girls are more likely to call boys rape associated names ‘in jest’, more likely to use words like slut or bitch and generally less kind. Although of course, there are exceptions.
The only really inappropriate behaviour I’ve seen from teenage lads has been in special schools for boys with EBD.

Original poster
livinginaweirdworld · 07/02/2019 09:47

I have bitten and come back due to Clarinova and her lack of facts.

^I don't believe that the op has reported boys to senior management and parents, openly talking about raping girls, calling a girl frigid as she wouldn't send nudes or give them a blow job. Saying they were going to dump a girl as she wouldn't take it up the arse - and that SLT and parents were not in the slightest bit horrified.

Out of earshot of teachers - maybe.^

SLT are horrified, say the right things and nothing changes. So they do nothing about it. I have never ever said on this thread people weren't horrified. Some parents are horrified, others give the boys will be boys and its just banter defence.

So before you start troll hunting me again.... why don't you get your facts right and just fuck off from this thread where you clearly think I am a liar.

What would I possibly have to gain from lying about this situation? You really are 'That' parent by the sounds of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
livinginaweirdworld · 07/02/2019 09:48

And its not relevant at all, but it is a state selective school, predominately white, with very few pupil premium students.

OP posts:
Clavinova · 07/02/2019 10:14

livinginaweirdworld

Just reminding myself of what you actually posted -from the first few pages;

It has been noted. But they are quite misogynistic themselves on SLT

oh yes the 'boys being boys' defence. I hear that a lot from parents. will it be boys being boys when they rape someone? will it be boys being boys when they get arrested for spreading nudes around the school? I really do worry about the parents mentality when they spout these words

I have spoken to the Deputy Head who manages behaviour. He just squirms out of it ...

Its a few of us alone that call the students out on the behaviour and they are all female sadly

Original poster
livinginaweirdworld · 07/02/2019 10:34

Clarinova Again, I still dont see the issue you have with me. My god you really don't see this ever happening do you?

Why do you think others have come on here and said they hear exactly the same? Are we all lying?

When I said 'I hear that a lot' about boys being boys, that isn't me saying every single parent I have ever spoken to have said that is it? That's me saying some of the parents have used this as a defence. Why are you trying to twist everything? I am beginning to wonder if you have a boy at the school I am at, and I may have spoken to you about this issue! That's how it is now coming across.

OP posts:
Clavinova · 07/02/2019 10:58

livinginaweirdworld

Why are you trying to twist everything?

I've only copied what you posted.
Perhaps you are a journalist looking for a story?

I still don't believe that you reported that sort of spoken language to SLT and parents and they reacted in such a blasé fashion (in a selective school especially). If the boys were texting/posting something unpleasant online, then I suppose SLT and parents might react slightly differently - it's much easier to text or post something without thinking about its impact or the consequences, e.g. I wouldn't call you a liar face to face and you probably wouldn't tell me to fuck off.

Waspnest · 07/02/2019 11:20

zippey

maybe you should take a look at the Warwick Uni thread?

hopingforhappiness · 07/02/2019 12:07

I have reported to the safeguarding team at my school.
Living, I'm right behind you.

PrismGuile · 07/02/2019 14:07

I imagine it's the TV, some bad parenting and the divisive politics playing online and in the news combined with an all-male echo chamber of the school.

Hopefully they grow out of it at Uni - if not they'll either ruin their own lives or someone else's.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/02/2019 14:37

Zippey I have a 14 year old daughter, and i can categorically state that “banter” with her friends does not sound remotely like this. I wish we had a single sex school option for my dds, sadly we don’t, so dd1 wears earphones on the bus to block out the boys’ “banter” . Angry

SirVixofVixHall · 07/02/2019 14:41

This is all so depressing. Homophobic and racist language is taken seriously in schools, thank goodness, but misogyny ignored. As a mother of girls I feel a creeping horror at the world they are growing up in.

Limensoda · 07/02/2019 14:48

It's depressing and sad.
They get to ten years old and suddenly are no longer children.
Access to porn sites and social media has made this widespread and sorry, but lazy parenting and lack of education about respect.

Roomba · 07/02/2019 15:02

I kept thinking about this thread yesterday and discussed it with my Y8 son as we walked home last night. He was pretty horrified and said he doesn't encounter these attitudes amongst his friends and classmates - he said they really don't discuss girls, they don't come up in conversation given there aren't any in the school to talk about. I am thankful that he and the friends I've met are very sheltered and 'young' compared to me and my classmates at the same age. Also they're not into the popular music/TV shows and they don't use social media really. So he was pretty disbelieving that this happens everywhere all the time to girls and women.

Not ten minutes later, three lads (I'd guess 14/15 yo?) passed us. One sneered 'Hey sexy...' at me while the others sniggered. I ignored them as it took me by surprise, then one shouted up the road that I was a 'stuck up cunt'. The irony after we'd just talked about this... I just said 'See?' and DS acknowledged he could see what I meant now!

changingeverything2019 · 07/02/2019 17:49

Perhaps that's at least part of the solution SirVix? Make misogyny on a par with racism, homophobia or dare I say it, transphobia?
Teach children that all these are equally unacceptable.
Children already get it about racism or homophobia.

madeyemoodysmum · 07/02/2019 18:18

Agree with changing

Smotheroffive · 07/02/2019 19:01

I have witnessed that banter mysogynistic abuse in various forms. I have reported it, to outside agencies and schools. One school acted, the outiside agencies (apparently set up for this as one of their purposes) did not and neither did other schools.

Its rife, and many girls are subjected to it themselves or exposed to it through others and online, and it sets up a very aggressive hostile male environment for girls to try to exist under - whether or not the girls adopt similar banter and aggressive misogynist traits, it all plays to the power being held by the male.

Smotheroffive · 07/02/2019 19:02

Just seems pertinent here to say surely one has to also wonder at the rapid increase in girls wanting to become transmen!

Smotheroffive · 07/02/2019 19:04

SM led by male mysogyny has the monopoly on blame here.

Shizzlestix · 07/02/2019 19:17

Omg, I think I’m the OP’s twin! I took a job in an all boys’ secondary recently. I haven’t heard violence threatened (bar one lad in my first week facing up to me and swearing at me) but the misogynistic attitude, obvious lack of respect for female staff and arrogance are clear. Herd mentality is what comes to mind. I’m looking for a new job, more due to poor behaviour than anything else, but I’d never work in an all boys’ school again.

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