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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Misogynistic Teen Boys

206 replies

livinginaweirdworld · 06/02/2019 10:59

I have name changed for this due to some outing details.

I work in an all boys school, these are very bright boys in a selective school. But the sexist and misogynistic words I hear coming from them even in year 7 and 8 absolutely astounds me.

I have spoken to them when I hear them speaking like this, but they literally dont give any fucks whatsoever.

I have done tutorials on these subjects, I have asked how they would feel if there mum or sister were spoken about like this and they still do not care.

I am talking about rape being banter (akin to the Warwick Uni students), calling a girl frigid as she wouldn't send nudes or give them a blow job. Saying they were going to dump a girl as she wouldn't take it up the arse. They also seem to think women in the workplace will always be inferior as they have to go off and make babies and leave the bosses and the men with the proper work.

The treat female members of staff with disdain and contempt. Admittedly some of them treat male members just as badly but nowhere near as many as the female staff.

Where is this attitude coming from? I would say a good 75% of the students here have this attitude. Not all of them can get that from poor parenting surely?

AIBU as a woman to want to take my 2 daughters and move to Mars to get away from this kind of society?

OP posts:
PBo83 · 06/02/2019 13:03

@MirriVan - Sorry but I disagree that teenage boys talking about teenage girls is a problem.

I'm not defending degrading comments or comments about rape etc. I'm talking about the normal bullshit that teenage boys spout (think Jay from the Inbetweeners!).

From my experience too, the ones that do all the boasting are the ones that would blush if a girl even spoke to them!

Anyway, I digress from the original topic.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 06/02/2019 13:03

Don't take this the wrong way but I cant get my head round this bit - If you go home and cry OP, why are you still working there, surely it would be better for your MH to remove yourself from the situation and look at another school? Notwithstanding SLT are clearly useless, that woudl be enough to make me look to change.

The other posters have covered the issues admirably, I have nothing to add to the well thought out debate.

ginandbearit · 06/02/2019 13:03

Hmmm ..sorry but the internet is not to blame, it may exacerbate things but what you describe is universal and usually hidden from adult women. I was at school in the sixties and seventies both in all male boarding schools and the local mixed comprehensive and adolescent boys were horrible in both. What we said and did in our own company was pretty vile and was about an obsession with sex , being disgusting just for the sake of it , a fear of women (yes really) and a need to move away from ' softness'.
At boarding school we hardly met women and were fixated on them , at the local comp there was a culture of up skirting (no cameras but flicking skirts up), mocking all authority, being hard by playing football viciously and revelling in skinhead culture .
This was not all boys all the time, and as a bookish asthmatic i was fair game for abuse and violence , but the general swamp of male adolescent horribleness is nothing new .

PBo83 · 06/02/2019 13:07

@ginandbearit

"the general swamp of male adolescent horribleness is nothing new ."

As a man (and former male adolescent) I couldn't have put it better myself (although I don't think I was too bad).

DartmoorDoughnut · 06/02/2019 13:08

Well this is terrifying to read!

The ‘boys will be boys’ bollocks infuriates the hell out of me. My DS (4) got kicked in the head at pre-school, I asked for more details from the TA (accident form literally just said he’d been kicked in the head) and was told ‘boys will be boys’ I reported it to the class teacher as I was so fucked off - and I have an utter dread of being ‘that’ parent! - but if this attitude is still prevalent/being taught in schools I’m not sure how to counteract it!

longwayoff · 06/02/2019 13:09

Marsha don't be so smug. If your son has not come across this at school, he will. You may well believe he wouldn't dare. You are probably wrong and, instead of patronising parents and teachers for the information they are being good enough to share with you, just take a close look in your own back yard. And prepare for it.

AbsentmindedWoman · 06/02/2019 13:10

This is completely nauseating.

MarshaBradyo · 06/02/2019 13:12

Longway you are misinterpreting my post fgs

MarshaBradyo · 06/02/2019 13:12

Why would I want a teacher not to share this what an idiotic statement

PBo83 · 06/02/2019 13:13

@DartmoorDoughnut

"My DS (4) got kicked in the head at pre-school"

That's terrible and really isn't a matter of 'Boys will be boys'! Yes, boys do play more physically than girls but kicking someone is always unacceptable.

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2019 13:13

Yes, boys do play more physically than girls

Part of the problem

Frainbreeze · 06/02/2019 13:13

@MirriVan

Oh yes, just the internet has increased the amount of misogyny et al exponentially.

@PBo83 Thanks!

Helmetbymidnight · 06/02/2019 13:14

i hope there will be teachers as commited as you at ds's school.
you are making a difference although iappreciate it probably doesnt feel like it.

Frainbreeze · 06/02/2019 13:16

Yep, very eloquently put @ginandbearit

TeddybearBaby · 06/02/2019 13:17

My 12 year old goes to an all boys grammar school. I’m not sure what he’s like there but at home and out in public he’s the complete opposite of what you’re describing. He thinks I’m the best thing in the whole world so maybe that makes a difference?! He tells me about the talk of sex and the like. He finds it uncomfortable.

I’m shocked how it goes from innocence at primary to swearing etc. In secondary school so quickly! My son has a sexist friend whose dad is terribly sexist so he gets it from there but it’s never rubbed off on my son, it baffles him tbh.

I agree with what you’re saying, if you’re surrounded by it, how depressing!

MirriVan · 06/02/2019 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patroclus · 06/02/2019 13:18

Its what the internet and gaming have unleashed.

PBo83 · 06/02/2019 13:19

@JacquesHammer

"Yes, boys do play more physically than girls

Part of the problem"

I don't see how this could possibly be part of any problem. When I was at school boys played games like British Bulldog where there was lots of physical contact involved. They were also taught to play rugby, again, physical but competitive.

I believe, as the OP was talking about, that the sharing of ideas/topics such as rape is FAR more harmful than any of the above.

Schmoobarb · 06/02/2019 13:19

That’s depressing. I have a nearly 13 year old and I would be horrified if he spoke about women in an offensive and derogatory manner. Obviously I’m not with him all the time but he’s a kind hearted and gentle boy and I’d be surprised if he ever did though.

Mrscaindingle · 06/02/2019 13:20

I think (a lot but not all) boys have always been like this when they think no one else is listening. I think it's becoming more alarming as they now don't seem to care who hears it and part of the blame is exposure to the internet but also comedians like Jimmy Carr, Frankie Boyle et al and programmes like the Inbetweeners give teenage boys licence to spout misogynistic humour as bantz. And women who object as being humourless.

I also think there are some parents who won't accept any criticism of their children no matter what evidence is presented to them and I'm not sure what that is about other than how it reflects on them.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/02/2019 13:20

This is so depressing. It must be so hard to change the culture at the school and while you're trying your best, I don't think you can do it alone. It needs to come from the top down and be modelled by all the teachers. If you hear anything truly sickening (rape threats etc) could you call the police? Might make them think twice? Sorry that is probably a stupid idea, it's so difficult if you're on your own trying to stop this

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2019 13:20

I don't see how this could possibly be part of any problem. When I was at school boys played games like British Bulldog where there was lots of physical contact involved. They were also taught to play rugby, again, physical but competitive

Because you’re gender stereotyping. Thankfully things have moved on slightly in that respect (or at least some of us are trying) since you were at school.

I believe, as the OP was talking about, that the sharing of ideas/topics such as rape is FAR more harmful than any of the above

It is all part of the same issue.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/02/2019 13:22

If senior management aren't taking it seriously you have no hope of making the boys listen to you. They know who makes the rules.

How about contacting the governors (after you've gone through the appropriate staff route, have the paper trail and can demonstrate an inadequate response) and highlighting the potential for serious reputational damage if this sort of stuff trickles out into 'real life', including and most likely through digital media (e.g. parent of girl making a complaint / threatening legal action / going to papers with accusations of sexual harrassment and claimed sexual activity with an underage girl).

Warwick is a good example of 'private banter' not being private. Or 'just banter'.

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2019 13:22

They were also taught to play rugby, again, physical but competitive

The rugby mansplaining is hilarious though Grin

Thisnamechanger · 06/02/2019 13:22

Most of the boys from my comp 20 years ago who behaved a lot worse than this also 'grew out of it' too but the problem, as someone has said up-thread, is the normalisation at the time. Boys being very physical with girls (think 'grabbing' like in the Gypsy doccos a few years ago) was incredibly common and totally normalised.

For context, a boy at my school stamped on my bare foot in doc martins, shoved me very hard into a door and bit my ear really hard and I ended up engaged to the fekker years later! Unsurprisingly, he turned out to be a nutcase.