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AIBU?

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Original poster

Misogynistic Teen Boys

206 replies

livinginaweirdworld · 06/02/2019 10:59

I have name changed for this due to some outing details.

I work in an all boys school, these are very bright boys in a selective school. But the sexist and misogynistic words I hear coming from them even in year 7 and 8 absolutely astounds me.

I have spoken to them when I hear them speaking like this, but they literally dont give any fucks whatsoever.

I have done tutorials on these subjects, I have asked how they would feel if there mum or sister were spoken about like this and they still do not care.

I am talking about rape being banter (akin to the Warwick Uni students), calling a girl frigid as she wouldn't send nudes or give them a blow job. Saying they were going to dump a girl as she wouldn't take it up the arse. They also seem to think women in the workplace will always be inferior as they have to go off and make babies and leave the bosses and the men with the proper work.

The treat female members of staff with disdain and contempt. Admittedly some of them treat male members just as badly but nowhere near as many as the female staff.

Where is this attitude coming from? I would say a good 75% of the students here have this attitude. Not all of them can get that from poor parenting surely?

AIBU as a woman to want to take my 2 daughters and move to Mars to get away from this kind of society?

OP posts:
Original poster
livinginaweirdworld · 06/02/2019 12:06

Tunnocks34 oh yes the 'boys being boys' defence. I hear that a lot from parents. will it be boys being boys when they rape someone? will it be boys being boys when they get arrested for spreading nudes around the school? I really do worry about the parents mentality when they spout these words. I also do think if I was calling them to say there daughter was just subjected to abuse they would be screaming at me to get the boy responsible kicked out of school, but when its their son that has done it its just boys being boys.

OP posts:
Ribbonsonabox · 06/02/2019 12:07

Would never put my son in an all boys school... I think it must breed this type of thing because the girls are far away objects that they do not have to interact with all the time.

I even found this at a mixed boarding school I went to.. even just the boarding houses being split by gender caused a bit of it... a actually found boys at the state school to be far more respectful. Obviously there were horrible individuals in any setting... but in an all Male environment I think that boys get pressured into talking and acting like this and it's easier for them to pretend it's fine as they dont see female peers regularly.

MarshaBradyo · 06/02/2019 12:07

So, so bad I have two boys (and a girl) they wouldn’t dare. One is 13 we talk about this stuff though, sexism that is

But if letters go home and there are no ramifications the parents must be complicit

Malbecfan · 06/02/2019 12:10

This is why I am so glad I work in a mixed school and sent my daughters to the same place. I am have a year 10 tutor group and am positive than none of them would dare to speak like this in front of me - they would be terrified of the consequences!

OP, I'm so sorry you have to endure this. I would type up/display some general rules about language and go through them with the kids. Then it's one chance only. Remind them that if they behaved like this in the world of work, they could be in serious bother, so it's time to sort these attitudes out now. And they'll never get girlfriends with attitudes like that!

SushiMonster · 06/02/2019 12:12

They also seem to think women in the workplace will always be inferior as they have to go off and make babies and leave the bosses and the men with the proper work.

Well, given hat 90% of women on here are the ones in their marriage/partnership to take a step back in their carter after children... it isn't hard to see why they think this.

Original poster
livinginaweirdworld · 06/02/2019 12:16

Malbecfan I have spoken to them over and over, me coming on here is almost my last resort as I am out of ideas. These boys think they are a class above women full stop. I don't think anything will change their mind for a good few years yet.

I wish SLT would stamp down hard on this kind of behaviour. It would soon filter through that the school does not tolerate this kind of thing. But they get either a lunchtime or after school detention the same as the kid who forgot his homework got! If they did a 1 day exclusion or internal isolation it may make them think that bit more.

I have actually gone home and cried about the future my 2 daughters will have. I am trying to bring them up to be strong and resilient, but having to face this on a daily (and it is every day I overhear comments) gets you down, when i wonder what the future will face for them.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 06/02/2019 12:18

Depressing but not surprising.

One of the reasons I was delighted DD chose a single-sex secondary

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 06/02/2019 12:19

I know it's not as simple as this,but why on earth do you still teach there? Have you complained to the Governors?

Grapetree · 06/02/2019 12:26

depressing but not surprising - completely agree

I went to a mixed school, and lots of similar things happened. Many teacher turned a blind eye, there was no way they didn’t hear what was said in classes, and most girls didn’t bother to speak up (don’t blame them)

I’m a uni student, and this sort of thing stil happens

MarshaBradyo · 06/02/2019 12:26

I just can’t imagine the parents I know saying boys will be boys

It makes me wonder where you are in the UK - hopefully not near here ;

MrsApplepants · 06/02/2019 12:33

Perhaps you could go in on the future employment angle? Where I work language like this is taken extremely seriously, gross misconduct and the culprit sacked. Potentially career ruining. Just a suggestion.

bluetheskyis · 06/02/2019 12:33

Christ. So, what is the head and LT doing about it? It CLEARLY needs to be addressed and these kids think that what they are doing/saying is okay when it isn't. These behaviors come from the top. I've been in work places ( in the past a lot has changed thank god) where this 'banter' has been acceptable because the boss thought it okay or funny...
They are fucked when they get in the real world and discover that this kind of 'banter' will get them fired. Work IS changing and these little princelings WILL work for women, in a culture where this macho, dick lead BS isn't acceptable. Even in banking.
What about the boys who DON'T actually think like this and are being encouraged, shamed, bullied into behaving like this? Where is this toxic masculinity coming from? It IS NOT normal. But if there are no consequences then why would they stop.

SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain · 06/02/2019 12:39

Jesus. Don't stop calling the parents. If my boys ever behaved like this they'd be grounded FOR LIFE.

Iamtheworst · 06/02/2019 12:42

These boys are behaving terribly, no argument from me. But you have a management problem, the reason they are continuing is because they aren’t being told to stop.
You are at an elite fee paying school (I think) all you can do I leave. I know one teacher who left a rough mainstream school for a massive pay rise in a private school. She left within a year because they play by a different sense of rules. (Her issue was pupils clearly high in class but as “she wasn’t a medical professional” she wasn’t allowed to call their parents. As if you need to be a dr to diagnose someone out their tree).

TradingMum · 06/02/2019 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

userschmoozer · 06/02/2019 12:42

TradingMum ODFOD.

Frainbreeze · 06/02/2019 12:45

The internet is to blame, an internet where access to any site cannot be blocked. It disgusts me, as a guy, it's abhorrent. I couldn't envisage things being this bad (actually I did and wrote a WP on it). Makes me nauseous to imagine how bad things will be in 5/10/20 years. Expect more situations like the absolute discharge given in Scotland, and for the conviction rate to decrease; along with the actual reporting.

MirriVan · 06/02/2019 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PBo83 · 06/02/2019 12:52

@Frainbreeze - Firstly, awesome username.

As another guy, I agree 100%.

Bravado, boasting and associated nonsense has always been rife amongst boys of a certain age and it's safe to say that most of it is absolute bollocks (particularly when it comes to any sexual 'conquests').

However, the nature of this bravado is increasingly concerning and the only logical source of these topics and ideas is the internet.

Ironically, I was just commenting on another thread where some parents were saying that they don't check their kid's phones as it's an 'invasion of their privacy'. Maybe a little more attention to what your kids are accessing online, what they're sharing with their peers and to have a conversation around this might not be a bad idea!

MyBreadIsEggy · 06/02/2019 12:53

Urrgghhh “boys will be boys” coming from the parents?!
I swear to god, I’m not a violent person, but if my DS acted in such a disgusting way, it would take every ounce of my self control not to smack him through the wall Hmm

PBo83 · 06/02/2019 12:54

@MirriVan

"I can sadly confirm from firsthand experience that misogyny in teenage boys predates the internet."

Agreed, when I was at school, chatter between teenage boys was incredibly misogynistic (boasting about fictitious 'conquests', commenting on girls in the school etc.). This will have been the same for generations (and, given that it's all bravado, whilst not to be encouraged, probably isn't an area for concern). What is a concern is the increasingly extreme nature of the topics discussed (rape etc.) which need to be addressed.

Tunnocks34 · 06/02/2019 12:55

Just to add I work in a mixed school in a very deprived area of the north west, so it isn’t just something that affects male, fee paying schools.

It’s rife in our school, and we issue detentions, call parents, we have had external groups come in and do plays on sexism and abuse, prisoners come in and discuss attitudes to crime, woman come in discussing the effects of abuse and grooming.

It makes a big difference in the immediate and this then dwindles to be non existent. Parental support is very minimal amongst our pupils although it does exist in some cases.

MirriVan · 06/02/2019 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2019 12:59

whilst not to be encouraged, probably isn't an area for concern

It is ALL an area for concern.

Ifangyow · 06/02/2019 13:03

@MyBreadIsEggy. I agree.
Sometimes I wonder if it's the parents that need educating as well as their kids.