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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Misogynistic Teen Boys

206 replies

livinginaweirdworld · 06/02/2019 10:59

I have name changed for this due to some outing details.

I work in an all boys school, these are very bright boys in a selective school. But the sexist and misogynistic words I hear coming from them even in year 7 and 8 absolutely astounds me.

I have spoken to them when I hear them speaking like this, but they literally dont give any fucks whatsoever.

I have done tutorials on these subjects, I have asked how they would feel if there mum or sister were spoken about like this and they still do not care.

I am talking about rape being banter (akin to the Warwick Uni students), calling a girl frigid as she wouldn't send nudes or give them a blow job. Saying they were going to dump a girl as she wouldn't take it up the arse. They also seem to think women in the workplace will always be inferior as they have to go off and make babies and leave the bosses and the men with the proper work.

The treat female members of staff with disdain and contempt. Admittedly some of them treat male members just as badly but nowhere near as many as the female staff.

Where is this attitude coming from? I would say a good 75% of the students here have this attitude. Not all of them can get that from poor parenting surely?

AIBU as a woman to want to take my 2 daughters and move to Mars to get away from this kind of society?

OP posts:
Clavinova · 06/02/2019 17:44

I've just googled and came across several threads in the student room - I thought this student's observations were worth posting;

have a girl on my facebook that posts photos sometimes in just a bra and knickers, actually seen a lot of people on my facebook wall in just underwear..I just don't understand why they want to show that to people who don't know them well and will just make a judgement of them from that photo! It may be funny to close friends but everyone else only knows you for posting pictures in your underwear. Have to be careful how you choose to present yourself on social media, you're a lot more than just a body

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2019 17:54

I thought this student's observations were worth posting

Did you? It’s rhe same type of message aimed at females that evolved into “why was the defendant wearing skimpy underwear” etc etc

Original poster
livinginaweirdworld · 06/02/2019 18:00

clavinova would the student have had the same observation at a male posing in his swimming trunks or boxers I wonder? I very much doubt it.

Yes it's not wise to post this stuff on social media but it goes for both sexes.

OP posts:
NotAnotherJaffaCake · 06/02/2019 18:03

43andcounting Nope, afraid not, but I get the impression that the boys' schools are very much alike in this regard...

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 06/02/2019 18:05

Not so long ago the (male) head of my daughter’s school gave a talk to her year (5) about gender equality and the importance that we treat everyone with equal respect. They got on to talking about jobs. A very high number (nearly all of them!) of the boys insisted women belong at home to look after the children and make dinner for their husband and clean the house. The girls all angrily disagreed- thank god. I’d say 90% of all the mums of these children work outside of the home at least 2 have stay at home dads. I was shocked at this attitude when I heard and I wonder where these children are learning such shite. It depresses me to hear it just gets worse with age. Especially as my own daughter starts high school this year.

twocats335 · 06/02/2019 18:22

Very worrying. Can only think it's online stuff that's causing this.

I have to say also that programmes like The Inbetweeners don't help with their heavy sexual comments about girls using comedy to normalise it.

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2019 18:23

I have to say also that programmes like The Inbetweeners don't help with their heavy sexual comments about girls using comedy to normalise it

Especially when men suggest this type of content isn’t a concern!

Clavinova · 06/02/2019 18:25

JacquesHammer
Did you? It’s the same type of message aimed at females that evolved into “why was the defendant wearing skimpy underwear” etc etc

Really?!! Not my interpretation at all.

Personally, I think the wrong type of message to teenagers (and their younger siblings who are also 'friends' on social media) - is, for example, when you sit in a bubble bath (aged 14) wearing a skimpy bikini top, or bite your bottom lip, whilst posing in a red push-up bra (I've seen both of these photos on Instagram) - but maybe I'm out of touch. If you want to educate boys to respect girls, I think you need to be aware of what some young teenage girls are posting on social media - especially the girls who seem to have hundreds of followers.

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2019 18:27

If you want to educate boys to respect girls, I think you need to be aware of what some young teenage girls are posting on social media - especially the girls who seem to have hundreds of followers

NO. You never do one because of the other. Teach boys to respect girls. The end.

The message about what you put on social media would be valuable if it was addressed to young people. As it is, it’s a thinly veiled “Girls who dress a certain way are fair game” affair.

Clavinova · 06/02/2019 18:30

Yes, I agree that tv programmes like The Inbetweeners don't help at all.

Helmetbymidnight · 06/02/2019 18:32

i like the inbetweeners.

i think it suffered that thing where instead of people laughing at the awefulness of it- people wanted to emulate it.

Clavinova · 06/02/2019 18:39

As it is, it’s a thinly veiled “Girls who dress a certain way are fair game” affair

Not at all - but if you think that everything posted on social media is all fine and dandy, then go ahead.

JacquesHammer · 06/02/2019 18:41

but if you think that everything posted on social media is all fine and dandy, then go ahead

Did you conveniently miss the bit where I said The message about what you put on social media would be valuable if it was addressed to young people

Quite the opposite of what you’ve managed to deduce.

TheCrowFromBelow · 06/02/2019 18:48

Pleas keep calling parents.
I have two boys and there is no way I would be saying “boys will be boys”.

TheCrowFromBelow · 06/02/2019 18:48

Sorry about my missing e

Clavinova · 06/02/2019 19:07

I've just shown ds1 the opening post - he says that if boys at his school used that sort of language in class (especially in front of a female teacher) they would be suspended - and he attends a selective school. I'm not sure that I believe the op's post now.

DangermousesSidekick · 06/02/2019 19:10

I'm a bit Hmm about the phrase 'most of us grow out of it'. Do they? Really? DV and rape statistics are high. In any case, it sounds a bit like an attempt to minimise. The misogyny girls experience in their teenage years can be rather like any natural history video you've ever seen of baby animals running the gamut of predators lying in wait, and the experience never leaves us.

Original poster
livinginaweirdworld · 06/02/2019 19:11

clavinova believe what you want. I have no reason to lie. And other school staff have said they hear the same kind of things so yes your one experience from your son means we are all lying. I am sure you don't think these stuff happens in any educational establishment so Warwick University must all be lies as well then.

If you have very weak behaviour management then yes this misogynistic shit happens every single fucking day.

OP posts:
Original poster
livinginaweirdworld · 06/02/2019 19:15

clavinova I also have stated that they say it in corridors when with their mates having the "bantz innit" they are not just saying it in class to my face. What did you think they said "oh yes miss I wanted to fuck her up the arse and she said no so I dumped her" ?

This is how they talk. If you are so deluded that you blame the girls for putting up photos of themselves and that they should expect this type of behaviour cos if what they are wearing then you are also part of the problem.

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 06/02/2019 19:20

It's horribly depressing but I'm not sure it's anything to do with social media. The boys were just as bad when I was that age, about 20 years ago.

Clavinova · 06/02/2019 19:21

If you are so deluded

No, I think you are lying that you overheard boys speaking those words in school - in front of a female teacher. Why did you name change?

Clavinova · 06/02/2019 19:23

livinginaweirdworld

What culture are these boys from?

DaisyDreaming · 06/02/2019 19:24

That’s so depressing. Someone I know is a secondary teacher and always does a lecture on rape culture as it’s needed

Original poster
livinginaweirdworld · 06/02/2019 19:26

clavinova I name changed as I have put a lot of personal information on here. If i now put this any work colleagues could easily spot it was me. I need to keep my job until I find a new one, I have 2 daughters to look after. Unless you are going to pay my bills and feed my kids then yeah I also have to protect me as no one else will.

I'm walking away from this thread now. I wish I hadn't bothered highlighting this. But then with parents like you, this is why nothing changes at school. I'm sure your son wouldn't say anything like this, I'm sure you wouldn't believe the school if they said he had. And that is why the problem is never ever resolved.

OP posts:
Clavinova · 06/02/2019 19:38

livinginaweirdworld
If I was informed that my ds had spoken those words, he wouldn't have his phone for 6 months.