To be angry at what their teaching my 5 year old

[BettyBoo246]

So my 5 year old is having a few issues at the moment. All started with seeing beauty and the beast on a school trip, he got petrified at the wolf scene but wasnt taken out of the theatre and made to watch the rest all be it on the teachers knee. This has caused him to have nightmares since then. Last week they had someone in from nspcc talking about stranger danger, again he got scared and wanted to leave assembly. And now this week they are teaching him about in his words ‘weirdos’ on the internet and now he’s having night terrors screaming at night about weirdos
He has always been sensitive and he is the youngest in his class. I’ve called the school this morning and waiting for his teacher to call me back (also to add this teacher is very very young, no children of her own and this is her first year teaching and she can be very patronising)
AIBU??

So why not give a more informative response??
Why use sarcasm and try and patronise me.. especially if you have some idea of what it is like to have a child who suffers from anxiety??
I really don’t get your immature and low witted comment even more now, would you have found that sort of response helpful when looking for help with your dd?
Maybe I am struggling to admit he might need extra help or I might be to blame or maybe I am looking for someone else to blame or maybe I’m overthinking it all and it’s a phase, whatever it is if you have any sort of insight and know a little bit about how I might be feeling wouldn’t it kinder to offer support

BettyBoo246 re-read what I said and what you're saying. You are very defensive and aggressive. You are also insulting me personally. I haven't done any of these things.

When dd was younger I never thought it was the teachers or the school that were in any way responsible for her anxiety. I was aware that she was 'not the norm.' And I don't think I blamed myself although I was always aware that it was my responsibility to accept her for how she was and to smooth her passage through life where I could.

Anyway, what have the school said to you since you phoned the teacher?

OP I've had a look at some of your other threads. I think they're significant. I think your son is having a hard time with anxiety which has been ramped up by you getting into a vicious cycle with him of not dealing with it well. I don't think it's a school issue as such. I think it's easy to look to school to blame, and understandable, but I don't think they are the source of the anxiety.

You are in the trenches at the moment and I appreciate you have very little to give. But I think it sounds like it's your behaviour that you need to look at to help your son's anxiety levels. Your husband also needs to step in. Not easy to hear or in fact do, but it is necessary and it is possible. You really can turn this around and your son will feel less anxious and you will feel better about yourself. Best of luck.

I think ovenchips is onto something, although I haven't looked at any of your other threads. A mum friend said to me a few years ago, "we have no idea how powerful we are" in relation her her dd's anxiety. They feed off us. If we try to ease them through and don't get irate and make a big thing of it all, it's much easier for them. It doesn't cure anxiety but it doesn't fuel it either.

I asked the teacher if she had noticed any changes in his behaviour. As I explained that he was having nightmares and night terrors which were affecting his sleep and that I was concerned about how easily upset he was becoming compared to others in his class/age group when at the panto or at the safety talks.
She advised that she hadn’t noticed anything significant, just that he did appear to be a little more tired but put that down to a newborn being in the family and commented that he had actually been working really hard over the last couple of weeks and shown a lot of enthusiasm towards his maths. She did say if her/the school could help in anyway then to let them know.
She did say a couple of the other children did also find the panto a little scary but “got over it” but obviously my ds was very scared by it and she thinks he felt more embarrassed than anything because his friends were there and looking at him.
She also reassured me that all the internet safety and nspcc talks were very age appropriate and my ds didn’t show any signs during the lessons of being upset by it

Hmmm ... do you think there is any aspect of this being something that he sees as getting attention from you? Please don't jump down my throat over that. Do you think he's picking up on your anxiety at home?

I do agree @ovenchips.
I think if I actually look back over the last 12 weeks poor ds’s world has been turned upside down. On the first few weeks of dd being born I was quite teary and struggling and I know he must of picked up on this and I probably snapped at him when actually I shouldn’t have.
I don’t think I prepared him enough for the arrival of dd and I don’t think I showed him enough attention.
I am trying really hard to rectify this but I think it’s goinh to take quite some time.

I do yes. Since speaking with the teacher, ds told me he had to leave the internet safety lesson as it scared him, the teacher told them that absolutely did not happen
My dh has said before that he thinks ds sometimes pretends his scared of this that and the other just because he knows it will get the attention he craves.
And yes I am constantly worrying about getting the balance right at home. I feel guilty for spending time with dd when ds is there and I guess he is picking up on this

BettyBoo246 try to spend some absolutely devoted to him time? Give him praise and attention for his successes and try to pay less attention to his 'failures' (don't like using that word but can't think of another) because otherwise he will see this as the best way of getting your attention. "If I"m scared and I complain about school, Mum listens."

I do try. I do his bath and bedtime just me and him now instead of all of us! It’s hard with dh working till late I don’t really have the chance to hand baby over to daddy while I sit and read or do homework or play/talk just the two of us. I might see if my dm could have dd for an hour or two after school but she already has other gc’s there most days so I don’t like to impose even more.

What I read in your other threads it was quite a bit more than just snapping at him. I am not judging you but I don't think that is a helpful way to characterise it.

Anyway, I can see you are really wanting to change what's been happening and help him. It's terribly hard when you have a baby and other small children to look after too.

Have you considered a course of psychotherapy for children which is very play-based? I am a huge proponent of psychotherapy and have also seen just how powerful play therapy can be with children. I am not talking about a lifetime of therapy for your son, but just to help him when he needs it now.

FWIW my son has had very intense periods of anxiety. He was by temperament an anxious, timid child but the huge ramping up of it was caused by seeing/ being a part of some frightening/ out of control situations in our family (we have a child who has quite profound SN and we have been in some very bad situations). He also used to run out of the room at programmes/ films with the slightest element of dread to them. But for a while he really was in a bad way tbh. It did last for quite a few months but slowly decreased. He is, touch wood, two years later completely different. Completely.

I did a hell of a lot of 'work' with him about his feelings for a long, long time. Lots and lots of acknowledgement that there had been scary situations for him. Going over the scary scenarios and his feelings. Accepting that he was angry with me too about some of it.

I slept in his room with him. We read Willy and the Wobbly House by psychotherapist Margot Sutherland. And lots of other things, with a broadly psychotherapeutic approach inc him joining a support group. It worked for us but did require a lot of work, over a long timescale. It's been so worth it though!

My dd discovered art and drawing. It saved her through primary school as a diversion from the things she found stressful in the classroom. We had Sunday morning art sessions at home too where I could teach her some new things that she was keen enough to use during the week. Also books, stories, acting out characters. I learned that some situations she would never cope with, through nobody's fault really: birthday parties / soft play / large social groups.

I think that if I hadn't accepted her anxiety and helped her find distractions, what came in her teen years would have been way more difficult than it was. She had some resources to fall back on - art, music, talking to me. She still didn't survive secondary school (it is all a million times worse and there aren't even any teachers to talk to or hate!) but she is in a small school now and is doing her exams and looking forward to college. A year ago she was in hospital and I didn't think she'd be where she is now.

Thank you @ovenchips I think I just hoped that me being overly nice to ds after the shouting at him in the night episodes would fix it! I didn’t appreciate the long term damage I’ve probably caused by losing control with him and him seeing me in such a state when in fact he needed his mummy to be the one in control. I just hope I can repair it

OP I'm not saying you've caused long-term damage. And from my personal experience, damage can be repaired. 👍

I sound all boastful now but my son is so self-assured now, has a real inner confidence and maturity that others remark upon and is very, very skilled at managing his feelings. I would never have said a few years ago that he could be described as such!

I’m sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread as am due out soon but Tuesday was internet safety day so that is probably why it happened. Our school from reception up had an assembly and lesson on internet safety.

So you should be boastful @ovenchips sounds like you put a lot of hard work and time in to him and also having a SN child must have been tough for you.
It’s nice to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hopefully slowly and surely I can help get ds back to his usual self with time and dedication.

My son was like this and did not change until he was 10. He still can't watch some fills and will get really upset at 12. When he was younger, he would have nightmares and I couldn't figure out what was happening. I then learned that at breaks and lunchtime, when it was raining, they had to watch a film. There was no choice. Iron Giant was the worst. He first saw it at 5 and would physically react if I mentioned watching it again. The Incredibles was similar. Many Disney films caused this.

We also had a talk from the NSPCC about a grandfather abusing his grandchildren. My jaw dropped when my son told me the story and later confirmed by the headteacher. That caused much concern. Anyway the list goes on and on.

I would speak to the school and ask them to give him a space to decide, ensure the films are age appropriate etc.

I now recognise that my son has a tremendous imagination. He does not just watch a film. He is in it. It doesn't matter if I say it is not real. To him it is a visceral experience. Most people appear to be saying that you need to build his resilience. I agree, but you also have to ensure that it is appropriate for him and his age. Beauty and Beast scene is scary and all my children hid their faces. a 4/5 year old may not be able to disassociate. sorry for long response, but you know your son and you live with the consequences. Support him and let him know that he can say no and ensure that the school respects his boundaries.

@thelittledoglaughed .. you didn't give an opinion, or advice, you just offered a sarcastic response. By all means give an opinion, better still some advice, even better some wisdom or empathy. Sarcasm just makes you seem like a patronising twat. I'll keep my knickers right where they are thank you very much.

@MarianB I completely agree. Thankyou for this response.

@thelittledoglaughed, I see that you have posted some more thoughtful, helpful and insightful comments since I replied. I have a daughter with autism, which manifests in severe anxiety, and although I don't think the school or teacher is the cause, I do believe that they share some of the responsibility of managing it when she is in their care (she has a diagnosis, and therefore the school receives funding)
I say on every thread, I believe us Mums need to support each other, not mock or tear each other down.

aariah08 I don’t see how calling someone a ‘patronising twat’ is a particularly strong indicator of mums sticking together 🤨

But whatever.