To be angry at what their teaching my 5 year old

[BettyBoo246]

So my 5 year old is having a few issues at the moment. All started with seeing beauty and the beast on a school trip, he got petrified at the wolf scene but wasnt taken out of the theatre and made to watch the rest all be it on the teachers knee. This has caused him to have nightmares since then. Last week they had someone in from nspcc talking about stranger danger, again he got scared and wanted to leave assembly. And now this week they are teaching him about in his words ‘weirdos’ on the internet and now he’s having night terrors screaming at night about weirdos
He has always been sensitive and he is the youngest in his class. I’ve called the school this morning and waiting for his teacher to call me back (also to add this teacher is very very young, no children of her own and this is her first year teaching and she can be very patronising)
AIBU??

Nearly every primary school child has been taught about internet safety this week as part of a national campaign.

It has also been covered on the news. Coulld you watch something like newsround with him and discuss it in a way he is comfortable with at home?

I’ve really tried to make sure we’ve had loads of one on one time. It’s hard as dh works long hours and some every other weekend. I’m finding it hard to find the right balance to be honest. Ds needs constant reassurance through the day which I am really trying to do but then I have two others pulling me the other way.

Honestly OP, it's beginning to sound like your DH needs to support you more. Working long hours is hard absolutely, but if you have three children one of whom requires one on one time to feel calm and quell his anxieties, perhaps your DH should be doing more. Has he said anything about your son or offered any means to help him?

Bluntness May I just say that it's really refreshing to see a post about children gaining a new sibling without the word "jealousy" being used. So many times, a child's behaviour is dismissed as "oh, he's just jealous" when he actually feels anxious and displaced.

I'd like to add that he needs to feel able to tell Mummy about things that might annoy/upset him about the new arrival without getting the standard "but she's your sister, don't you love her?" line. Coping strategies and plenty of reassurance are what's needed.

OP my eldest went through a stage of being very scared of films that her peers were happily watching, things like Paddington, when she was in reception and Y1, and she was actually one of the older kids in her class. I spent a while discussing narrative technique with her and how bad things had to happen to create a story but they will end up better off in the end (generally). I think it helped! She still (age 9) is much more sensitive than her younger sister but understands how it all works a bit better now.

How can you possibly think it’s ok to complain about children being taught about child sexual abuse ?????? The younger the better unfortunately there are lots of nasty people in this world.

Klop, yes, this doesn't sound like jealousy, it seems to be exactly what it says on the tin, anxiety and fear of change ,

Op, I doubt you're doing anything wrong, just you've your hands full here, a three month old, a three year old and a five year old is hard going with little to no support.

It would seem that the change in his home has possibly caused him anxiety, and that some of this is his way to get attention. When he does these things everyone focuses on him.

I strongly suspect the reason he doesn't wish to go to school, is not due to thr fear of weirdos. It's because he wants to stay home with you and his new little sister.

He absolutely needs to know the pants rule.

From bitter and distressing experience with my own DD I implore you please explain this, over and over again.

My DD(4yrs) was aware of it which to be honest didn't stop her complying when an older boy (8) told her he wanted to touch her but it did mean she told me afterwards that an older boy had done something naughty and I could get it dealt with as best as I could as with as quickly as possible.

Please use the pants rule.

Well I was sexually abused from the age of 6, maybe if someone had taught me that it's wrong I would have been able to speak up 🤷‍♀️

Op, I doubt you're doing anything wrong, just you've your hands full here, a three month old, a three year old and a five year old is hard going with little to no support.

I disagree. I respect that OP does have a lot on her plate but there seem to be things she is doing wrong... Blaming the teacher for the age appropriate lessons, mollycoddling her DS and expecting the school to do the same, not discussing sexual abuse, online predators and other topics with her son and finally liking the fact that her DS gets so distressed. These are all things the OP are doing which could be causing the anxiety or at least making it worse.

OP when you day you have spoken to the teacher when has this been just a quick 39 second chat at drop off or have you gone in and spoken properly ? If not I think it would be much better to phone and ask for an appointment after school where you can explain your worries and ask to work out the best way to make things easier whether that you being pre warned or him getting extra support. Perhaps it needs to be the deputy head or support team rather than the teacher but I think you need to go to the school office and make an actual appointment. Do you have family or friends who could watch the bigger kids while you go as well ?

I think it's good schools are taking seriously the issue of online safety. It's no different to road safety it's an everyday problem now for today's society and the children of today.
Crossing the road = possible danger ie crossing behind parked cars. Taught to cross in a safe place / dedicated crossing.
Internet = possible danger ie people contacting you. Taught to use the internet in a safe way.

Yes of course I like that my child gets distressed that’s exactly what I said isn’t it

In all honesty do I want him to know about inappropriate touching at 5, absolutely not

He absolutely bloody should know what's inappropriate at age 5. As many posters have already said, many abusers are known to the abused.

And to be even more depressing, there has been a rise in reported child-on-child abuse in our schools. It's horrifying but delivering this message to the children is an absolute necessity. As a KS1 teacher, I strongly suggest that you support that learning and reinforce the message with a chat with him about the pants rule pretty sharpish.

I also think that with 3 children 5 and under you definitely need lots of support yourself. I can imagine that collecting your DS to find out that he's had yet another highly stressful day impacts on your stress too. My sympathies

It does sound like your little boy is very very anxious. I also think it's near impossible for the teacher to anticipate what will trigger his next fear though.

Yes of course I like that my child gets distressed that’s exactly what I said isn’t it angry

Well i really dont understand why you said you like that he is sensitive when its that sensitive side thats causing this anxiety? Clearly it seems you liking the way he is is actually fueling the anxiety further- "screaming down the place" at a Disney panto is a not a personality trait. Why dont you take some advice on here or respond to all the helpful posts?

In all honesty do I want him to know about inappropriate touching at 5, absolutely not. It was for the whole school assembly, so from 4 years old to 11 year olds, fine for the 7-8 year onwards but surely if it’s appropriate for 11 year olds it’s not for 4 year olds?

Really?? Of course he should be taught about this! Would you rather he was abused and thought it was completely normal? People who abuse children often manage to make the kids think it is normal, which is how they get away with it! This should definitely be taught in schools and you shouldn’t object to it! A child of any age could be the victim of that! (And I speak as somebody who’s father was sexually abused during his childhood. He only managed to talk about it almost 40 years later, and the pressure of carrying that around with him for so long has caused a lot of mental health and alcohol issues for him his whole adult life!)

No it's not a bad thing he's sensitive and as I said before my child is the same, but your blaming the school for being age appropriate is a bad thing, as is your son's sheer terror at perfectly age appropriate things. Sensitivity is born into many children but often being scared is learnt, and I do feel that from your reaction (how dare they present these normal things to my poor traumatised boy!) you've caused these issues in him and he's gone from normal-sensitive to scared of his own shadow. The panto thing - I would have made my sensitive child sit through it to say there's nothing to be frightened of, you can do it. You wanted to know why they didn't immediately remove him, reinforcing his fear and showing him that his needs are more important to anything else. I think it's been many things such as that which have led to this. Not that I'm blaming, we all do things differently and there's many things we would change in hindsight, but you have asked so just giving my 2 cents.

Honestly if I had to contact a parent every time I thought a child might get anxious about something coming up I’d never have any time to ... teach, mark, plan, assess etc etc etc
You are being unreasonable purely for this alone. Completely entitled thinking your child is more important than the Whole class’s needs.
It’s horrible when children get upset about things no one likes to see them like that. However how are they ever supposed to learn and grow if they don’t experience it. Next year when he has internet safety he will already be aware and therefore less worried it’s a work in progress.
However, you need to manage your expectations and actually if you have signed up for the school and the curriculum that they teach you need to be on board or take him out! If not it leads to children and teenagers who think they can pick and choose what they do (I have taught from 7-18). Many children will say my mum says I don’t have to do my homework. My mum says I don’t have to do PE. My mum says I don’t have to listen to you... these at extreme example from older children but they say this because it started as little things at 5 years old.

Constant reassurance all day? About what? That’s not normal.
You can’t expect a teacher to call you about every topic they cover, every assembly they have or every visitor coming into school.

I do appreciate that I’ve jumped the gun I can see that I’m taking my anger/distress over all this out on the wrong person.
No she isn’t a great teacher in my eyes and I’m ashamed that implied it had anything to do with her age, parental status
I meant I liked that he was sensitive as in sensitive to others. He recognises if someone is playing on their own and plays with them, and if someone’s visibly upset he’ll comfort them, just things like that that I love about him.
I hate that he gets scared so easily and that he is such a worrier, it breaks my heart that he has all these issues at such a young age.
His teacher did call me back today and I didn’t get angry or rant, I just told her ds is struggling at home and not sleeping atm so this may reflect at school and if she had noticed a change. I did ask about recent lessons as this seems to have set him off abit and she explained it was all age appropriate no scary words or images were shown and my ds showed no signs of distress during the lessons.

Wolfie he likes me to tell him I love him a lot, I have to smile at him a lot otherwise he thinks I’m angry (for no reason) he’s just quite clingy but I’m putting this down to arrival of new dd?

That's great that she called you. Stop listening to nasty gossip and work with her to help your son. If she lacked empathy and kindness she wouldn't be sitting him on her lap at the theatre would she? I suspect your sons behaviour has a lot to do with the new baby's arrival and you do seem to have a lot on your plate.

It was safer internet day yesterday. I'm glad they taught him about safety online. I'd rathe rmy child think about the dangers than use the net without any safety boundaries. Likewise, with the stranger danger...... I'd rather my child know.

The NSPCC wouldn’t talk about ‘stranger danger’, nor is that what schools should be teaching. We teach about safe/unsafe situations and safe people who can help if we’re lost for example - no point teaching children that everyone they don’t know is dangerous - absolutely the wrong message and prevents them getting help if they do find the self in need of it (a police officer would be a stranger for example, but would be a good person to ask for help, or a mum with other children etc)

Also the PANTS rule, which absolutely needs to be taught, is nothing to do with stranger danger, because as we all know abusers are much more likely to be someone the child knows and so yet again talking about ‘stranger danger’ in this context is particularly unhelpful, even harmful.

Sorry, reading page after page about how ‘stranger danger’ needs to be taught was getting to me - it really is the wrong message to be giving out.

I think people need to be realistic about what a GP can do. I don't think suggestions of psychologists/ medical interventions etc very realistic.
It sounds hard for you OP. I would suggest contacting NSPCC and telling them how your son reacted and ask for more guidance on helping him understand e.g. how you can reassure, what language to use.
For the more general sensitivity issues he may always he this way so it's about helping him to manage and I agree with use of story books you will find on Amazon like 'the huge bag of worries. Good luck.