To be angry at what their teaching my 5 year old

[BettyBoo246]

So my 5 year old is having a few issues at the moment. All started with seeing beauty and the beast on a school trip, he got petrified at the wolf scene but wasnt taken out of the theatre and made to watch the rest all be it on the teachers knee. This has caused him to have nightmares since then. Last week they had someone in from nspcc talking about stranger danger, again he got scared and wanted to leave assembly. And now this week they are teaching him about in his words ‘weirdos’ on the internet and now he’s having night terrors screaming at night about weirdos
He has always been sensitive and he is the youngest in his class. I’ve called the school this morning and waiting for his teacher to call me back (also to add this teacher is very very young, no children of her own and this is her first year teaching and she can be very patronising)
AIBU??

Your child is sensitive. You’ve already identified that...so, it’s really a case of your child struggling to deal with life and the wider world.
Resilience is a good but very tough lesson for children to learn.
You’ll both be ok.

Have a private, confidential word with the teacher, about the way topics are presented. She's following the syllabus. Stranger danger is incredibly important. One of the most important things in life is having self-worth and self-esteem, which should, hopefully, be instilled from birth - sometimes EXTREMELY difficult, especially in this "social media-mad" age!!!!!!!!

OP my son was also very nervous. He’s certainly no PFB as he’s my third. Always has high levels of anxiety. He’s now 11 but what you describe is exactly how he was. He has been diagnosed with dyspraxia since which explains a lot.

YABU and very unfair towards your children’s teacher!

You could have easily prepared your child for the school trip to see Beauty & the Beast
by reading this classic fairytale to him.

It is commendable that your son’s school is teaching Stranger Danger and Internet Safety using age appropriate materials provided by the NSPCC.

Time for you to stop molly codling your son and getting him to develop some resilience

P.S. If he’s being over sensitive you may wish to explore if he has special educational needs e.g. Asperger’s, Dyspraxia etc ...

I am also one not to run over as soon as he falls, always been careful not to do this.
Responding to him quickly when he hurts himself/gets upset/frightened etc will make him feel safe and secure and less anxious.

Have you tried social stories with him? It could help with his struggle to read facial expressions and anxiety.

I guess I'm the only one, but I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think it's time to go in and let the teacher know how sensitive your son is so she can help him more effectively. I do think 5 is very young to be introducing stranger danger. He is years away from being out and about on his own, so I don't see what the point of introducing that is. As for "weirdos" on the internet, again, he is too young to be using web sites with any sort of social component, and is too young to understand what they are trying to imply. Using that rather obnoxious term seems to me a recipe for developing a prejudice against people who dress differently. They are too young to know what the teacher is getting at, which is good because I don't think they need to know about child sexual abuse at 5. I'm sorry, but time enough to teach them about that when they are being given some independence.

I don't think your son's teacher has committed any major offences here (though I am offended by the weirdo thing) but I think it's important to feed back to her your son's reaction to these frightening events so she can support him better. And if you can go on any future theatre outings that might be good.

I think you are all being very cruel to OP. You all clearly do not have sensitive issues and have not been through what she had. Many 5 years olds are terrified of these issues. I am sure internet safety could be taught at a slightly older age. And I had a 9 year old terrified of the same show. 5 is still very young and very impressionable, I mean they still believe in Santa, can you imagine what the big bad wolf is like.
OP I think you should have a word with your school senco and teacher together and tell them your child is having nightmares and see what they can do.
I am very sure they will be more understanding than the people on here.

I think your son needs to toughen up a little or he risks being an even you get snowflake. Children do need to learn about stranger danger asap. As for beauty and the beast,well I honestly have no words. It's a lovely production/film and all my girls watched it from a very young age and it never bothered them,totally took it in their stride. If he can't cope woth that,he will never cope in the big wide world.

No problem. I don’t think it was triggered by a new sibling in our case. My son (we later discovered) has sensory processing disorder and it was very much tied into his experience of the world through that lens. Also some people are just more anxious than others. I have to say though that now he is 8 and a half he manages his feelings, thoughts and fears well so hang in there.
I also would say contrary to some of the posts advising you to rationalise his fears to instead try to engage him in discussions about what happens to his body when he feels scared and what he can do to help that (Sitting Still like a Frog comes into its own with this) , talk about how feelings pass by like the weather they are always changing and that everyone feels frightened sometimes, happy sometimes, sad sometimes and (I’m sure you already do) remind him that he is very loved.
Sometimes saying “it’s not real” or forcing them to confront it not on their own terms etc invalidates them and makes the fear and anxiety worse. Imagine trying to get an adult afraid of spiders to hold one? They wouldn’t engage and neither will a child unless it’s on his terms and he feels safe and happy to do so. It’s the same for when we feel sad or worried, we don’t want someone telling us to get over it. We need validation (without reinforcement of course) to be able to move on. His fears will be very real and very big to him and he needs to feel like you have got his back. He may later want to explore wolf facts at some point but it has to come from him. I used to remind my son that he used to be frightened of something and that he isn’t anymore and one day he will not be afraid of this new thing too. He would look back and say “oh yeah, I’m not frightened of x anymore” and smile, that gave him confidence to manage whatever he was struggling with there and then. Teaching anxiety management will only benefit him as he gets older, it’s teaching him skills that will benefit him for life. I know many adults who have anxiety who probably would have benefited from this approach in childhood. By learning these skills now it’s much easier for them to become a natural part of positive thinking habits which will hopefully endure throughout life. They are easier to learn as a kid than in adulthood when there is less neuroplasticity in the brain.
You’ll have to find what works for you and him as a family but I’m certain that you will now start to improve things for him going forward

They are too young to know what the teacher is getting at, which is good because I don't think they need to know about child sexual abuse at 5

Someone who lives close to me (aged 20) was sentenced to 5 years in prison for sexually abusing a 5 year old this week.

I would say YABU. The beauty and the beast thing, is something innocent. Children get scared of big scary things. The stranger danger and the in line awareness is something they have to be taught. It's a part of everyday life.
Also I don't think you realise how patronising you sound judging the teacher by her age and how li g she has been doing the job.

Remember to teach about safe adults e.g. a paramedic
Not every stranger is a danger
Not every non stranger is safe!
Watch nspcc PANTS videos

You remind me of a mum from Y1 her dd was in my D's class 5 years old.

My dh died very suddenly.. And I received a letter of condolence from her.
All saying the usual stuff etc but at the end saying how she wasn't going to mention anything to her dd as she would be terribly upset and distraught and how much she would start to worry about death. She was a dinner lady at the time and she assured me if she heard any of the children discussing it in the playground she would nip it in the bud.

School had never dealt with the death of a pare
nt before and decided to introduce the word death and what it meant to the school as a whole and put a policy in place as so many children at that age may have not experienced it before.
The topics included grandparents, sibling, pets etc even divorce and separation and big changes a child might have to face
My sons best friends knew about his dad and even at the tender age of 5 were able in there own way to understand the sadness it was very touching

The mother however well words failed me

Its a big bad world out there and there are real life events happening to children every day
You can't wrap him up in cotton wool.. You really aibvvvvu

Wow

They couldn't have left the theatre with him because of the adult:child ratio.

Plus, the class teacher needs to be with the class of children as the buck stops with you. Neither the teacher nor TA could have gone out and been alone with your child for safeguarding reasons. Any other adults there would likely be parents helpers and they are unlikely to be DBS checked/can't be alone with a child for safeguarding purposes either.

Presumably, if you know your child is so sensitive that something like this might upset them, the best course of action is to offer to be a parent helper yourself so that you can leave with him when he becomes distressed.

If you're unable to do that, then you just have to suck it up and thank the school for providing an enjoyable experience for the class rather than moaning about it.

All children have been taught about 'stranger danger' since the 70s - it's far less scary than not being taught about it and wandering off with a stranger... although I agree with those who suggest that, by 5, he really ought to have some awareness already.

And, finally, it was Internet Safety Day on Tuesday when all children in all schools were given age appropriate lessons and activities to do around internet safety that the children generally really enjoyed doing. I know that, because I delivered some.

although I would find the use of the word 'weirdos' odd- are you sure that was from a teacher?

That won't be what the teacher said, that's a 5 year old's interpretation.

If you have serious concerns about your child's high levels of anxiety, then it's your responsibility to take him to the drs, follow recommended advice and then feedback to the school. We are there to act in 'loco parentis' - not to actually be a 3rd parent...

Either I was seriously resilient as a child, or I didn't see any of these videos!!!!

At our PS- the panto for nursery to P2 is in school. Not just due to logistics but because they know the kids get upset sometimes- I was in school this year and 3 wee boys were taken out and were playing with a teacher in a classroom because they'd got upset. I'm surprised the school didn't know this or hasn't dealt with it before. I remember DS getting very upset at Aladdin the theatre when he was 5. We tried to make him stay but he got more and more upset and we had to take him out. He still remembers it. He was a panto refuser for a couple of years after that.

You have my sympathies OP. Having a child who has night terrors can be quite scary- my DH is a GP and he is still very stressed out when our children have had them. But I had them as a child/teenager myself and can reassure you that with night terrors the person is completely unaware that they have been hollering and wailing enough to wake the whole street or thrashing and rolling around. Be matter of fact, caring and calm and they will snuggle back down and be zonked our before you know it. Don’t quiz them about what they are dreaming about either. They need comfort but firm ‘lets get you snuggled back in bad’ attitude. I read with our DC’s that have them and it brings them out quickly, smoothly and settles them without fuss. You can glean from their behaviour and calling out what it’s about but dissecting it in the middle of their night is not helpful for them. All children are different and are able to cope with things at different stages. If they remember the dreams it’s not night terrors (a sleep disorder) but nightmares and you can talk to them about fiction and make believe and real life. In your instance one is a make believe scare and the other two, very real dangers for our children today. I feel for you that you have a frightened little one at the moment but if the choice is blind ignorance or helping them understand that not everyone, everywhere is kind and safe to trust, I’d go with the second. Don’t blame the teacher or school for your child’s reaction to the curriculum and their important safeguarding education. They have 30/60/90 plus five year olds- what they have delivered would have been age appropriate and done sensitively. It’s important to start these conversations about the topics covered young- surely you understand that there are five year olds out there being abused and ‘groomed’. Use your child’s upset to help them understand that there are small things they can do to keep them safe and that it’s really good that they have told/shown you they are upset because it means you can help them understand properly. Stranger danger can be turned on it’s head to be that they have private parts that other people don’t get to touch and that if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable by touching them in their pants or under their clothes or ever tells them to keep something a secret (as opposed to a surprise you are planning for someone’s birthday etc) they should tell you or their teacher/s, grandparent/s etc. Talking to you about it will calm your DC’s fears and protect at the same time. As for Beauty and the Beast, my eldest was similar in disposition (we used to joke she was allergic to peril) and I think the school did the right thing- they gave comfort but showed your child that there were good things ahead for the characters- dashing out whilst your child was upset would have reinforced the fright embedding it more firmly. If I was you, I would chat to the school but thank whoever sat and cuddled your child throughout the show and say that these three occurrences have really highlighted to you just how sensitive your DC is. They’ll have the opportunity to say if they have any concerns at that stage but I suspect that your child is a perfectly normal five year old but is just going to grow up into someone who’d rather run a marathon than watch a horror movie! We are not all made to enjoy scary things regardless of age😊. You’ll be aware next time and discuss the plot with them beforehand and warn the staff to sit them next to a teacher! Please don’t beat yourself up / or get cross at the school about these incidences- your child is more sensitive than some and that is not a bad thing at all. Parent the child you have and slowly stretch them from their comfort zone in a way you are happy with. They’ll be begging to watch PG films at the cinema before you know it and if it does turn out that your child had a special need then you will be grateful it has been discovered whilst they are still at the very start of their school career so they can be appropriately supported right from the start.

5 may well be far too young to be using the internet unsupervised but many, many five year olds are watching youtube and playing games that put them at risk of being contacted by creepy adults. Schools have to explain the risks at this age, as many parents aren't taking responsibility for their own children's safety. Just because it isn't happening in your house doesn't mean it isn't happening.

Hi OP,

I want to help him not feel so anxious or scared

This is your problem I think. I have some knowledge of this and I think there are strategies that would help, but primarily it's about looking at and changing your own 'core belief' about fear. You are projecting onto him that fear = bad, and that a person should ideally never feel it. e.g. scared at the theatre show = he should be taken out of the theatre. However, in reality that's impossible. Every human being feels fear - it is wired into us since caveman times, and for good reason. It would help if you read a bit about fear / anxiety / the brain to understand the science behind fear, and then did some work both your on our own and with your son on anxiety management techniques.

There is a brilliant free app called Insight Timer which has 1000's of free meditations and little snippets you can listen to, many of which are created especially for children. Just search for it. They are great to listen to at bedtime, and help the child to manage their anxieties, supported by the parent.

Ultimately, your aim should be that ds is able to feel fear, and recognise it (sit with it), but also know that it is okay to feel it. By shutting it down the whole time, or removing him from the source of the fear, you are ultimately teaching him that his own feelings are not valid. (I know that's not your intention OP). But it is SO important for a child's development, sense of self, resilience that they regularly have their feelings validated by their primary caregiver, whether it's anger, fear or whatever. Just staying calm, and saying slowly "it's okay to feel that. It's normal, that's no problem, I feel that sometimes too, no problems, it will pass" etc etc.
i's al about sitting with the feeling, and not trying to "do" anything to fix it or get rid if it. After all it is only a feeling and won't kill you - that's the strategy. When we learn that our feelings, good or bad, scary or terrifying, are just feelings, and do not present an actual threat within themselves, we learn to self soothe, and we learn resilience.
I hope that helps. x

I think you are being a little unreasonable tbh, all these things my 3 yr old has been spoke to bar internet safety. you say he is youngest in his class but should be able to handle age appropriate warnings. I feel mean to say this but if u go in you are going to look like a crazed lunatic helicopter parent that had sheltered her kid from the most basic of safety lessons. maybe sit him down explain that these are valid safety concerns but that he doesn't need to be afraid of them, just know about them

I do think 5 is very young to be introducing stranger danger. He is years away from being out and about on his own, so I don't see what the point of introducing that is

My 5 year old has lots of contact with people who aren’t us - at school, at swimming and dance lessons, going to play dates etc. If you don’t teach the pants rule or similar, how will they know if someone behaves inappropriately to them?

My 5 year old took part in workshops at school discussing ‘people hurting children’ (as she put it) and I was glad that she had been given age appropriate information on this. (We had already covered the pants rule.)

These are perfectly normal things for a child o learn about at school and they should be learning about stranger danger and Internet danger. There are always one or two children who find these things difficult especially if they have issues at home. Does he have any attachment issues that could cause his lack of resilience?

Sorry but YABU. I am in YR R and it is internet safety week. I imagine I taught the same lesson as it is a national scheme. It is very low key i.e. don't click on anything if you are not sure and how you should not talk to people online that you do not know. The same as stranger danger.
It is a sign of the times that this is taught now. Many, many 4 and 5 year olds (and younger) are given unsupervised access to the internet nowadays. Therefore it is a subject that is important.
I doubt it is the first time it has been covered in school as this is regularly taught as part of ICT lessons.
Have a look online at 'Smartie the Penguin' to see how it is delivered for young children.
In regard to the theatre trip he was sat with the teacher which would have been the best option. They would have had a high ratio but by removing an adult then they would have had to have extra staff to ensure there were enough to support the other children.
Your child sounds sensitive therefore if you know a theatre trip is planned then discuss at home what this means. The same with stranger danger, explain the police are there to help etc. All of this will be taught sensitively and age appropriately and not at all scarily.