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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that partner texts female friend continually

194 replies

thetenthofaugust · 04/02/2019 13:36

My partner of 9 months spends his free time texting his close friend.I cannot see anything sexual to be concerned about but their texts are filled with mutual declarations of respect, appreciation and love.They are very close and confide in eachother. He does not really message her when he is with me, only now and again.They work together every day so I cannot understand the need to be sharing memes and chats, deep and light chats, funny videos in the evenings and at weekends and during holidays. She is much older than him and is married so I am trying to figure out what is going on . He says its entirely platonic.Opinions ?Do any of you have any experience of this please?

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 08/02/2019 00:37

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Find some self respect
That is a shit plan for next week. UTTERLY SHIT

BigBumandMumTum · 08/02/2019 00:43

I have a friend like this. Best mates, train (fitness) together etc
I'll make comments about his body, he makes comments about mine. Changes, muscle, what's looking good.. We talk about our kids and work and partners etc,

We were actually single at the same time and everyone thought we would get together but it's not that kind of relationship, we helped each other through divorces etc

Merryoldgoat · 08/02/2019 09:13

OP - he’s not into you. It’s obvious.

You’ll have nothing but misery clinging to him.

lmusic87 · 08/02/2019 09:46

This is a really hard decision for you. He is offering a lot of what you want from a relationship, you just have to weight up what you need.

Original poster
thetenthofaugust · 08/02/2019 10:45

Thank you for the kind and honest replies. I’m
Glad I posted as I must have been living in a parallel world convincing myself that all was normal . The thread has served to wake me up to the reality and how much help I need to reboot so to speak . It also reminds me of what is seen as universally normal... regarding the amount of consistent replies . I thought that the valentines plan was thoughtful but I see now that while he wants to bring me for dinner that evening and possibly another meal on the Saturday, that the other 60/70 hours he does not want to be in my company . After this length of time, he should want to be with me all the time if he was really serious about having an adult relationship. It is akin to teenage relationships I once had , only with twats who treated me like dirt . Yes it is a difficult one as I can see the relationship progressing but it’s still too slow. I had thought that maybe we would keep progressing and that he would get more and more serious about me. This may happen but then what will happen? If that woman ever becomes single will he jump ship or have an emotional affair??? Why would he have valued me when I didn’t value myself. He had it all on a plate with no pressures or restrictions . I need a real man

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 08/02/2019 11:16

Good Luck! x

MrsArthurShappey · 08/02/2019 13:12

Oh OP this must be such so tough. I too wonder if he's gay, which he might not even realise himself.

Regardless, you deserve much better Flowers

PlayerRed · 09/02/2019 13:34

I need a real man

You need someone who wants to spend time with you, puts you first and the relationship.

Original poster
Thetenthofaugust · 16/02/2019 15:23

To update : he had not been messaging his friend too much but got in contact with her about a work issue on valentines night, just after our romantic meal! His friend had to have emergency but relatively minor surgery this week but he only found this out after he contacted her. She congratulated him on finishing a project and tying it up( she is his senior) as she was out of work . Again, the compliments and cringe statements started even though he said we had been out for dinner and sent her photos of the food and restaurant and even me in them ! I went home after the meal as he was exhausted from working and travelling and I and was due to see him tonight but then I found out that they were having the lols on the messenger service yesterday where she had responded that she was better but felt weak and had lost some weight to which he responded ... a comment about her boobs disappearing !!! I could not believe it . It was an attempt at being funny and she sideswept it . Conversation ended abruptly but in good humour after that. Think I have my answer. He is in love and lust with her isnt he?

OP posts:
Andylion · 16/02/2019 16:09

He isn't your partner after 9 months? Surely?

"Why ever not? I was married after 6 months of being together. He was definitely my 'partner' after 9 months "

Look around you. How many couples that you know were married or living together after 6 months. Despite your relationship, and the few others on this thread who have said that they were married or living together quickly after meeting, it is not the norm. Your "Why ever not" seems disingenuous.

In any case the OP has said that they see each once or twice a week, Not partners by any definition. I assume MNers use "DP" instead of "boyfriend" because "boyfriend" sounds juvenile. I think we need a new word.

malificent7 · 16/02/2019 16:14

Ltb...he has crossed the line. You deserbe better.

Original poster
Thetenthofaugust · 16/02/2019 20:02

I really believe I do. I thought that comment was creepy and insulting and I can’t understand how she didn’t block him. They must be closer than I was led to believe. Either that or she is used to him . I am meeting him later and I am fuming . I need to get my thoughts in an order

OP posts:
Bungalowbeth · 16/02/2019 22:02

Oh OP, he is behaving ridiculously. You should be his #1 priority and you should be laying the law down now. If he doesn’t play ball then quite frankly leave him to moon over this woman.

cuppycakey · 16/02/2019 22:07

YANBU - dump him

Travisandthemonkey · 16/02/2019 22:26

Jesus chris
Can you not see the writing on the wall
Who the fuck makes those comments unless they want to fuck someone

Teddysmum7 · 17/02/2019 00:33

I hope he wasn't one of those 'meet my friend before I make it official with you to see if she approves'. I dated a guy like that, he had to go... Nothin seemed to be kept between us and he had to run everything past hmhis female friend... I thought he was a little bitch after that 🤷🏽‍♀️

Teddysmum7 · 17/02/2019 00:34

Plus... Would he like it if u did that with a guy friend? Of course not!

MistressDeeCee · 17/02/2019 00:53

Is she his Dom?

Or his crush?

Maybe she's bored in her marriage - where's her H whilst shes playing silly buggers on the phone with your equally silly man?

Texting away like 2 breathless wet behind the ears teens, with the cringe convo to match.

If a situation makes you uncomfortable (rightly so in this case) then it is what it is OP.

I can't think why you'd want or need to be with a man who's obsessed with another woman.

porridgeface · 17/02/2019 00:58

I have a male friend I work with like this. We work in a pretty stressful morale vacuum and despite being in the same room together rarely get the chance to talk. Most of the messages are venting about work, bouncing ideas/ opinions off each other and then there is chat about what's going on at home, with the kids etc. We do occasionally big each other up; especially if we can see the other has had a stressful time or have done particularly well at something but it never extends to comments about personal appearance (I have accidentally put kisses at the end of my messages before though!) He knows my DP and I've met his wife. If my DP told me not to message him it wouldn't go down well!
I'd be more concerned about him not wanting to spend time with you and him not wanting sex to be honest x

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