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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that partner texts female friend continually

194 replies

thetenthofaugust · 04/02/2019 13:36

My partner of 9 months spends his free time texting his close friend.I cannot see anything sexual to be concerned about but their texts are filled with mutual declarations of respect, appreciation and love.They are very close and confide in eachother. He does not really message her when he is with me, only now and again.They work together every day so I cannot understand the need to be sharing memes and chats, deep and light chats, funny videos in the evenings and at weekends and during holidays. She is much older than him and is married so I am trying to figure out what is going on . He says its entirely platonic.Opinions ?Do any of you have any experience of this please?

OP posts:

Lemoneeza · 04/02/2019 18:09

if he thinks she is so wonderful then why would he not want you to meet her? I think you need to see them together with your own eyes then you will realise your relationship is a non starter

Gogreen · 04/02/2019 18:18

He totally fancies her and will leave you in a heart beat for her if she told him to come running.

How do you know she is 12 years older? Not that that matters, lots of relationships have large gaps. My EX once told his EX whilst he was with me I was 30, I was actually 21, people lie.

Original poster

thetenthofaugust · 04/02/2019 18:18

He would like me to meet her sometime . He thinks she would like me . I’m afraid to meet her as my woman’s intuition is telling me that I will see for myself theor chemistry and spark because if he lights up like he does talking about her or when he gets a reply from her, I can only imagine what they must be like together . To want to have that continuous contact with her within the office and in his free time tells me that he cannot get enough of her . She has no sexual interest in him from the way she texts about her husband and their family . Why keep up this level of interest when she does not seem to reciprocate . I will have to talk about this to him very soon as I can’t go on feeling like second best even though I’m the one he chooses to be physical with . I do not think he ever made a move on her by their messages and the way he talks

OP posts:

Original poster

thetenthofaugust · 04/02/2019 18:20

I have seen her Facebook page and all her personal information is there .. age/ job/ etc .

OP posts:

AnoukSpirit · 04/02/2019 18:24

9 months in, should it really be this difficult?

Not every relationship we ever enter into has to be preserved at any cost... It's ok to let go of things sometimes.

Ribbonsonabox · 04/02/2019 18:30

I dont think you have any right to ask him to stop but you do have a right to decide not to continue a relationship with him because personally you find that level of intimacy with someone else a dealbreaker.

I think as this friendship pre dates you you would be on a slippery slope trying to prevent it... this is how he is friends with someone, you either accept it or you dont imo.

Different people want differing levels of emotional connection from romantic relationships. Some people want their partner to be the primary person they confide in and talk to and vice versa... and that is fine... but some people like to have strong emotional connections to friends and spend time outside the relationship with friends etc... that too is fine.... what's not fine is if two partners are not agreeable about what is acceptable.
This is clearly how that man is... if you ask him to stop he may well stop but I bet you'll run into this problem again because clearly he is not on the same page as you regarding levels of communication and relationships with friends.

If I were you I'd break up with him and find someone who shares your outlook.

Floralhousecoat · 04/02/2019 18:32

There are 2 things here.
Firstly, he's making you feel second best in your relationship in what should be the honeymoon period. This is as good as it's ever going to get.

Secondly, he doesn't want to see you much. He doesn't spend much time with you. He seems to need his own space an awful lot. In what is meant to be the honeymoon period. However, he's happy to spend all day at work with her, and continues to message her throughout the day. He doesn't seem to need space away from her.

This is a horrible relationship with a man who doesn't care about you or feelings. Forget him op. It's not worth even talking to him about this.

LizzieSiddal · 04/02/2019 18:33

I had a similar situation but it was a client of Dh constantly emailing him.

She is much younger than him, about 20 years and had a bf if about 3 months. She was forever saying how much she admired Dh, how amazing he was at his job, that they had to meet to discuss work stuff in a bar. Lots of love heart emocions. Dh hated it, but as she was a client couldn’t do very much. What he did do was constantly mention me and dc, and how much he’d enjoyed doing x, y, z with us. When he met her he always made sure other people were there too.

It really does sound as if he really fancies this woman. Sorry OP but as you say he relationship isn’t great anyway, I’d be gone.

LatentPhase · 04/02/2019 18:49

The bottom line is the relationship isn’t great. He is lukewarm about you by the sounds of it.

This woman enjoys the attention of your man and the amount of the contact is way more than he has with you. Which is making you feel worse (and I think it’s insppropriate) but isn’t the primary issue.

I would put this relationship out if it’s misery, I think.

Original poster

thetenthofaugust · 04/02/2019 18:50

Yes that’s another problem. All the love heart and heart eyes emojis to nearly every message eg ...I loved how you dealt with that client today ... you are so competent ...followed by loads of heart emojis . I feel real angry with all the responses and the reflections of his behaviour . I feel like he is stringing me along at this stage . His friend seems happy with her lot. His phone is left around , mostly . His messages pop up on screen. He is not trying to hide them . It seems like this is normal to him . Yes we have different expectations

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 04/02/2019 19:02

Sorry to say this therenth but if he was in love won’t you he wouldn’t even want to be sending her messages constantly along with the heart emojis.

Delatron · 04/02/2019 19:14

He sounds utterly obsessed with her. He’s with her 8 hours a day, has lunch with her every day and then texts heart emojis every evening? It’s just too much and so inappropriate.

I doubt you can change this though. As he is being lukewarm towards you I do think you should rethink whether this relationship is making you happy.

If you tell him to stop texting her all the time he’ll just carry on but hide it.

BrilliantDarling · 04/02/2019 19:36

Sorry but he sounds really creepy and weird Op, there is really no need in sending messages like that to her especially with all the love hearts etc. You deserve so much better

Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2019 19:41

Why are you staying with someone who clearly doesn’t care about you?

HeckyPeck · 04/02/2019 19:48

There are 2 things here.
Firstly, he's making you feel second best in your relationship in what should be the honeymoon period. This is as good as it's ever going to get.

This is a horrible relationship with a man who doesn't care about you or feelings. Forget him op. It's not worth even talking to him about this.

Sorry OP but I agree with all of this.

Bin him off and leave him to his weird obsessive relationship and find someone who’ll treat you with respect and who wants to spend time with you.

LostwithSawyer · 04/02/2019 19:55

End it now. Don't waste another 9 months.
He's infatuated with her and she's loving the attention.
If he wanted to see you more, he would.
It's that's simple.
Move on and find somebody that wants to spend time with you and not constantly message another woman.

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2019 20:09

He told her that he loves her, respects her, values her. That she is terribly strong . Loves her confidence. Admired her intelligence .funnest person he has ever met . Amazing mother

I can't imagine texting all that flowery stuff to any of my friends.

Merryoldgoat · 04/02/2019 20:11

Likewise @nanny0gg

If a friend text that to me I’d wonder what the fuck was going on.

She likes it and encourages just enough. He’s smitten and can’t see it’s futile.

KittyVonCatsworth · 04/02/2019 20:16

I'm with a PP and think he's seriously creepy. She's making it very clear that she's not available yet he continues with this fawning. It sounds obsessive and very creepy. If the relationship isn't great anyway I'd cut your losses and ditch the creep, he's never going to look at you the same way so don't waste anymore of your time on him. 9 months or 9 years, it's never easy ending a relationship ❤️

lottielottielottie · 04/02/2019 23:00

Sorry OP he sounds desperate, obsessed & creepy & willing to go to any extent to win over this woman's affections with his bizzare OTT compliments .... she sounds like a bored middle aged wife who is clearly lapping up all this attention.... ugh.... how can you even stand to be around him 😳 I would just ghost the fucking weirdo and leave em both to it.

The love heart emojis praising her for the way she dealt with that client ... CRINGE !!!

How are you not even repulsed by this strange arse licky creepiness just yet ?????

fedupski · 04/02/2019 23:49

I agree with PP that you should end the relationship, I wonder what this woman’s husband thinks about their friendship, I’d have issues if DH received that stuff all of the time.
I can imagine a post from a woman desperately trying to tell this obsessed younger man that she’s not interested, without making things harder in the workplace, as it doesn’t sound like she’s starting the conversations and just responding politely with a thank you rather than encouraging him in any way.
If I were in your shoes I’d be running as far away as possible!

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 04/02/2019 23:54

I'm not even sure she IS loving the attention, sounds like she doesn't mind him as a friend but is feeling the need to constantly put him in his place by talking about her family.

My first thought with the OP were that that isn't any different to how I speak with my best friends (male and female). I have just a couple of intense and important friendships.

However, with more reading on your posts OP, I don't think his behaviour is quite right. And I don't think he's that into you. Sorry.

rededucator · 05/02/2019 00:02

He's infatuated with her and she is keeping him around as a huge ego boost on her part

Member869894 · 05/02/2019 00:44

They are both taking the piss by any standards - run for the hills OP

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/02/2019 00:53

He’s head over heels in love with her and she laps up the compliments and attention. They both get a great deal from this quasi romance.

You are way, way down his list of priorities.

Leave him to his twattish infatuation.

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